Call Me When You Get This
by Aubrey Enox
Summary: Kinda relates to the things happening as of June 19th or so with a little creative speculation thrown in. Underlined italics are the text messages. Chapter 16 up for your amusement. Thanks for listening thanks for caring.
1. Call Me When You Get This

Call Me When You Get This

Feeling a little braver but cautious and remembering the steps they've taken, the phone becomes a lifeline for two people who just want to be in the same room together. Kinda relates to the things happening as of June 19th or so with a little creative speculation thrown in. Underlined italics are the text messages, hope it makes sense. Title: Corrine Bailey Rae-Call Me When You Get This.

_I miss you._

Natalia clutched the phone to her chest, Olivia's message staring back at her in the screen of her cell phone. _Three little words._ She blushed as she tucked her legs under her rear as she sat in the couch, her bottom lip clutched between her teeth as she wrote back.

_Miss you back._

Olivia's phone brrpted in the pocket of her jeans, jolting her upright as she sat with Emma as she worked on a particularly tough part of the video game she was playing. She tugged the phone from her pocket, blushing furiously as she thought about the box in her nightstand. _I really don't have any reason at all to use that. Really. I don't. _A broad smile crossed her face as her thumbs hovered over the QWERTY keyboard of her cell phone.

_Why do I get the feeling you're smiling?_

Natalia smiled, her head cocked to the left, a quizzical expression knitting her eyebrows together.

_Are you spying on me? What are you doing?_

Olivia's phone sat on her right thigh, leaning back on her palms in bed, legs dangling over the edge as Emma played on. Her blush deepened when her cell vibrated.

_Yes...I have a Nat-Tracker in the house. Emma's playing her video game and I'm just kinda sitting here, wishing you were here too. _

Natalia stretched out on the couch now, her legs having grown numb from being sat on. She knew that there were thin rays of hope shining through the clouds that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere since Rafe's accidental discovery. Fine, he wasn't open to dinner, but he was open to being in the house every so often and that's really all she needed. Just to see her little boy, her son, the rest would find a way to right itself. She sighed, trying to force out abrupt way Rafe left from her mind and reminded herself of the way he showed up.

_I wish I was there too. Everything makes so much sense with you around. I know it's going to be okay, not because I need it to be, but because we deserve it._

The landline rang and Emma paused the game to answer the phone before Olivia could react. She watched her daughter on the phone with one of her friends, twirling the ends of her hair around her right finger as she spoke. She wasn't a baby and she had known that Olivia and Natalia had something more than a friendship even they knew; almost as if she had a crystal ball stashed in her bedroom. She hung up the phone and beamed at her mom.

"That was Rebecca. Her mom said that she could have a sleep over. Can I go?"

"Well, sure." Olivia said with a surprised shrug. She stood up to help Emma pack but her daughter was already in her bedroom, pulling open her drawers and pulling out desired outfits. She chuckled to herself as she remembered Natalia's message. Her heart fluttered at the message.

_We do deserve it don't we? Em's going to a sleepover tonight, I'll be all alone. =( Are you going to be busy?_

Natalia shivered. She thought about the conversation on the porch about sex. She wasn't opposed to the idea at all but…

_Rafe stopped by last night but didn't come into the house. _

Her thumb hesitated to press send.

_If he wasn't so interested in trying to coming over, I would say yes a thousand times over. _

She read the sentences over and bit her lip. She imagined a frown on Olivia's face and immediately pictured herself kissing the worry from her face until her hard exterior softened. She her heart began to race at the idea of the two of them on the couch, close together, staring at each other, touching…

_I'm going to have to owe you a night__._

"Practice running away once or twice, Jellybean?" Olivia quipped as Emma emerged from her bedroom with her overnight bag packed up in no time. She expertly tied her left sneaker, using the two bunnies' method that Natalia showed her and hopped onto Olivia's bed.

"You never know when you're going to be needed." Emma answered with a smile.

"Oh _really_? Aren't you Miss Popular." Olivia replied, tickling Emma. Her phone vibrated on the nightstand as she smothered her daughter with a kiss. She reached over and read the message. She feigned disappointment at the response by pulling Emma into a hug. _I'm going to get the nerve to tell her the right way at some point._ "Is Rebecca's mom picking you up? Or do I have to chauffer little miss social butterfly over?"

"I don't know…" Emma replied with a shrug.

"Well then, Princess Jellybean, I guess I'll have to put on my fancy hat and drive you over." Olivia stood up and grabbed her car keys. "Are ya ready to go?"

Emma nodded emphatically and took her bag, slinging it over her shoulder and opening the door.

_Don't worry. I'm going to drop off Emma._

She turned out the lights before adding:

_I love you._

Natalia was on a cloud as she packed up some leftovers into Tupperware with the intention of taking to Rafe for lunch tomorrow. Despite the situation, the fact that Olivia stayed with her even with her own discomfort so visible it made feel like the most loved woman in the world. _He's going to have to get used to it. I had to get used to it. I had to work through so much just to get here, to this point where I can say that I have someone who loves me. _She cut out a large square of birthday cake and placed it in another plastic container along with some unlit candles and closed it. She stacked the leftovers one on top of the other and stood at the counter, debating her options. _If I take them over to the apartment, it could start a conversation and maybe he'll want to hear me out. Or he'll want to just eat, thank me, it'll be awkward and I'll leave feeling worse than ever._ She looked over at the bag Olivia and Emma brought over with his present. _Rafe, it is love. It is a family. We are a family._

_Scariest thing in the world, screaming little girls and a Jonas Brothers' live DVD. _

Natalia giggled. She slid her phone open again and replied.

_I'm sure there are scarier things in the world._

Olivia sat in her Nissan, a smirk on her face. She had dropped off Emma with a wave and a smile, watching her practically sprint into the living room to watch the DVD, already in progress. She now sat in the car, directionless and no particularly wanting to go back to The Beacon.

_Name it._

Natalia thought about it as she hip checked the fridge door closed, a tall glass of cold iced tea in her right hand, cell phone in her left.

_You got me__._

Olivia smirked as she turned the car on and leaned into the driver's seat.

_I can't afford to text and drive, as much as I love talking to you. _

Natalia shook her head as she stepped out onto the porch and sat on the bench she and Olivia had their late night talks on. She sighed as she thought about how lovely it would be to have here again.

_I love it when you're responsible._

Olivia kicked off her shoes and unrolled the yoga mat, determined to find some sort of balance in all the madness and chaos around her and her growing need to get her needs met. She bristled at the memory of having kissed Josh in an act of desperation but was oddly comforted by it at the same time. _It didn't do anything for me and I honestly love that guy. _She sighed as she sat Indian style on the mat, chewing her bottom lip thoughtfully. _I'm going to have to tell her about that eventually. It's going to come out. Well it doesn't have to but I wouldn't want to know that those lips have been on someone else when they're _technically_ mine. _She sighed, inhaled slowly through her nose before exhaling slowly through her lips. _We haven't even gone that far. I think the teens in this town are getting more action than I am._ That thought forced Olivia on her back, extending her legs and crossing them at the ankle. _Why is it that I'm willing to wait? I went through men like someone with allergies goes through tissue. I could wait for her though, I could wait, and I want to wait. I want it to be special, to mean the world to her…I want it to be the most romantic thing in the world._ She shook her head. _I'm really head over heels right now._

_Yoga is supposed to make you calm down right?_

Natalia laughed. She could hear Olivia purring the question in her ear.

_That's what I hear yes. Why? Having trouble relaxing?_

"You could say that." Olivia said aloud as she sat at the bar in Towers. Deciding that yoga was a bigger pain in the ass than anything else she could think of, Olivia had tossed her sneakers back on and was enjoying a martini as she fought the urge to go to the farmhouse. _I have_ _absolutely no reason why I should show up there right now. _She took a sip of her drink surreptitiously before answering back.

_In a manner of speaking. You have no idea how hard it is to concentrate on simple tasks with you taking up so much of the space in my head, Miss Rivera._

Natalia felt the heat rise in her cheeks as she imagined Olivia's face inches from her own, the playful seductive smile on her lips, her sea green eyes roaming her face, paying close attention to her lips before capturing her eyes and holding them intensely. _What do they call that look? Smoldering?_

_I have some idea, Ms. Spencer. Since when do you do yoga?_

_And why is the idea of you being so flexible making me blush?_

Olivia chewed on the last olive as another martini appeared in front of her. _I have to slow down._ She reminded herself with a thankful nod at the bartender.

_Since I realized that I'm tense a lot of the time. I'm at Towers, care to join me?_

Natalia weighed her options. She could drop off the leftovers to Frank before heading off on errands. _I can also do it afterwards. I just don't want it to spoil. Or hang over my head._ She grabbed her car keys and headed out.

Olivia was on her third martini when the door opened and her slowly building buzz was replaced by the heady realization that the beautiful brunette walking towards her was far more intoxicating than any amount of alcohol she could consume. She was in jeans and a simple black top but she might as well have fallen out of heaven from where Olivia stood. She gave her martini the side eye as Natalia approached her, a grin on her face, dimples anchoring it in place. _Who knew I was such a poet?_

"Hey you." she greeted as Natalia slid onto the barstool on Olivia's right.

"Hey." Natalia's cheeks turned beet red as she settled in next to Olivia, her smile still turned to 11.

"I didn't think you'd come." Olivia admitted, her fingertips running slowly along the stem of her martini glass.

"Why?" Natalia asked, tucking her left hand under her chin, bracing herself on her palm. "Because I'm not a serious drinker?"

"No. Well yeah, that and because you seemed nervous about our situation. I wasn't sure you'd leave the house."

"How can I say no to spending time with you?"

Olivia squinted at Natalia. "Sweet talker."

Natalia smiled broadly, nudging Olivia with her shoulder playfully. "I learned from the best."

"Who? Emma?" Olivia shot back with a chuckle. "C'mon what're you drinking?"

Natalia's face scrunched up as she eyed the bottles along the back of the bar. "I don't know. What's good?"

_When you're a shameless drinker, everything. _Olivia followed Natalia's gaze before letting her eyes drift back to study Natalia's profile. "Red wine?" she offered, her voice low.

"Fine with me." she replied, nodding at the bartender for a glass of red wine. She watched him pour a healthy glass of wine for her before taking it by the stem and holding it towards Olivia. "Let's make a toast." She offered with her smile brightening up the room, nearly blinding Olivia. "To the next step."

"The next step." Olivia replied, their glasses clinking together for the toast. Olivia watched Natalia take a sip of her wine as she sipped her martini slowly, the alcohol warming her already toasty insides. The wine matched her lips almost identically. "So, what exactly is the next step?"

"The next step?" Natalia echoed, her fingertips trailing along the base of the wine goblet as she chewed on the inside of her right cheek.

"Anything is possible."

"Anything? Sweetheart, a six foot tall chicken fighting a grown man in the lobby of The Beacon would be _anything happening._"

"That's a visual. Been falling asleep with the TV on again?"

"Once or twice…" Olivia chuckled as she scooted her seat closer to Natalia. She caught Natalia's gaze and held it intently. "I told you, sometimes I have trouble sleeping or relaxing." she said innocently, a coy smile dancing across her lips.

"Is that why you've taken to doing yoga?" Natalia replied, feeling like there was a double meaning hidden in Olivia's comments.

"Well, yeah." _Yeah, stick with that answer. Nothing about the box in the nightstand. _

Natalia giggled and Olivia's knees turned to liquid. She took another sip from her martini, her right hand sitting on Natalia's knee discreetly hidden. Natalia cast her eyes down at Olivia's hand as it sat innocently on her left knee, the warmth radiating from her palm. It was a bold move considering how public a place Towers is and how often so many of the denizens of Springfield went there for dinner and a drink. Natalia blushed as she caught Olivia watching her.

"Couldn't help it." Olivia whispered, moving her hand away slowly.

"It's what comes next isn't it?" Natalia whispered back, her voice throaty as her right hand rested in Olivia's upturned palm, their fingers lacing instantly.

"Is it?" _is this considered first base? _"I'm glad you came to meet me." Olivia blushed as she stared at Natalia, the room seeming to dim, leaving the two of them alone.

"So am I." Natalia admitted, feeling the warmth from the wine loosening her limbs. She took another sip and held it on her tongue for a moment before swallowing. The warmth crept down her spine and traveled through her fingers. She released her grasp on Olivia's hand and drew lazy circles in her palm, her head tilted slightly to the left, her bangs swooping lazily over her chocolate brown eyes. Olivia instinctively reached over and brushed the bangs away from her eyes, her fingertips grazing her cheek softly. Their eyes fluttered at the feather-light contact and Olivia drew her edge of her bottom lip between her teeth, holding it as she watched Natalia exhale slowly. They swallowed hard and Olivia reached for her martini, hoping the sting would ebb some of her hurt. She just wanted to pull her close and kiss her. Taste her. Touch her. "Olivia…" Natalia whispered, "Slow down. That's not water."

"It's a liquid…" Olivia replied as she popped an olive into her mouth. _I think I'm developing an oral fixation…_She gave Natalia a tight lipped smile as she chewed, some of the alcohol swishing around with the bits of olive. "I'm fine. Finish your wine. Hungry?" she replied in one breath.

"Sort of…" Natalia made a face, the wine obviously sloshing around in a semi-empty stomach mixing with the growing tension between them made her feel nervous. _I know my limit with liquor but I don't know my limit with liquor and Olivia._

Olivia slid easily from the barstool, years of practice having given her the ability to do it with the grace of a dancer. She scanned the dining area for an available table, preferably in the darkest, most secluded area of the restaurant. She found it in the far corner of the elevated dining area and lead the way towards it, Natalia following her. "How's this working for you?" she asked as she pulled out the chair for Natalia.

"What? Your chivalry? It's cute."

"Cute? Next time, I'll let the door slam in your face." Olivia joked as Natalia scooted close to the table. Olivia took her seat across from Natalia and opened the menu, already knowing what she was planning on getting. "Thank you."

"For?"

"Just. Being you." Natalia replied with a shrug as she opened her menu and browsed through it.

Olivia sighed as she watched Natalia finish the last of the ice cream sundae they were sharing, her tongue sliding along the cool metal spoon. Natalia put the spoon in the center of the bowl next to Olivia's before she caught Olivia's eyes on her.

"What? Do I have ice cream on me?" Natalia asked self-consciously covering her face with her right hand and reaching for her napkin with the left.

"No, you're clean for once." Olivia joked as she took a sip of her water.

"What do you mean for once?"

"You're a messy eater is all…" Olivia said with a playful shrug.

"I think you look for excuses to touch me…" Natalia answered back, "I'm a very clean eater." She reached for the bill but Olivia grabbed it before Natalia's fingers could touch it, chiding her as she opened it. "Olivia…"

"I invited you." Olivia said simply, pulling out one of her cards and sliding it into the card holder. "So there."

Natalia's shoulders slumped in mock defeat. "Fine. But when I start my new position…"

"Natalia." Olivia cut in as she signed the bill and tucked everything away in her pocket. "I just want time with you, that's all. Dinner, drinks, walking in the park, planting flowers, whatever just as long as I get to be near you. It's not about money, the how or what, just us." she said firmly as she watched Natalia's body language shift. "Ok?"

Natalia nodded simply, watching Olivia as she stood up and straightened herself up. She pulled out Natalia's chair again and smiled as she stood, their faces inches from each other. "It's still cute."

"So are you." Olivia quipped.

Olivia walked Natalia to her car, which was conveniently parked right next to Olivia's. She walked slowly, ambling next to Natalia before reaching to take her right hand with her left holding it securely. It never ceased to amaze her how easy it was to fall in step with Natalia, how easily it was to just lose all of her inhibitions and fears as long as she was around. _Her hands are always so soft and warm…like she's always inviting me in._ They stood in the parking lot between their two cars, neither wanting to let go of the other. Natalia studied Olivia's face as Olivia did the same, tiny invisible-unless-you-knew-to-look- hearts floating around their heads as though they were in a giant snow globe in the shape of a parking area in Springfield. Natalia's free hand drifted to tuck a strand of hair behind Olivia's left ear, her fingertips brushing Olivia's jaw line. She blushed.

The fingers of Olivia's left hand wound around the ends of Natalia's hair as it lay on her shoulder. It felt like silk to her and Olivia found it almost impossible that there could be anything softer than the woman standing in front of her. "It's funny…" she breathed, her voice husky as she watched her fingers weaving Natalia's hair absently before bringing them to meet Natalia's gaze. "I never really appreciated the time we had together in the farmhouse until I moved out…"

"I did…I always did." Natalia said, taking a small step closer toward Olivia. "I couldn't take that for granted, it was the happiest time of my life."

Olivia blushed. "I meant that I don't think I looked at you as much as I do now. I miss you everyday and now that you resigned, I feel like…every moment is more precious and I don't want them to end."

"I know." Natalia let herself be pulled into Olivia's arms, her head resting in the crook of her neck. "Which is why the professional distance makes the personal closeness better…isn't that what we agreed?" She felt Olivia's cheek rest against the topmost part of her head, her lips pressed into her hair.

"Yeah. Doesn't mean it's any fun." Olivia replied, a frown on her face.

"Bet you appreciate me more though."

"I always appreciate you Natalia."

The honesty in Olivia's eyes and voice broke Natalia's heart. "I know you do…"

They stared at each other for a moment, hearts racing a mile a minute. "I love you, you know that." Olivia said, breaking the silence between them and pulling Natalia in for a deep hug. She sighed heavily before relinquishing her grip on Natalia, kissing her forehead softly as she did so.

"I know you do. And I don't forget it."

Olivia stretched on the yoga mat again, determined to find the synergy and chakra aligning chi that the activity promised but all she could do was think about how she had been on her first date with Natalia and hadn't had the courage to kiss her. Frustrated, she stopped her warrior's stance, shook out her arms and legs and shut off the cd. She flopped into bed and stared at the drawer of the nightstand as though it's mere presence was the most annoying thing in the world.

She replayed the evening in her mind as she went through her routine of turning off virtually every light except the TV and bedside lamp and flopped back into bed. _All the signs were there, the signs that read 'yes, let's do this, waiting is over-rated and I'm done with it' but the actions, the actions…the actions said something completely different. She wanted to be as close as possible but didn't know what I wanted and…that's the problem. We don't know what comes with the territory of I love you…_Olivia fidgeted with her cell phone as it sat in the cradle of her lap, dark and silent. _It's not the sex. We both want the sex. GOD knows I want the sex. It's the other parts. The touching. How far do we go? How much do we give? The kisses…except for on the cheek when we can sneak them they're never anywhere near their desired targets. I could kiss her for hours. I know I could._ She bit her lip and punched up Natalia on her phone. She stared at the caller id photo, realizing that the photo didn't do her justice. She was smiling directly at the camera, dimples in full effect. Emma had taken the photo when she had taken Olivia's phone. _Smart kid._

_I think about kissing you. All the time. I was thinking about it when I did it after Em's presentation and I just went for it because if I think too much on anything I lose nerve. I wanted it and I found myself wanting more._

She hit send then continued. _Stupid 160 character limit. Whose idea was that?!_

_I think about just listening to you laugh at something & how much I love your cooking & the way you always make things with love. You always amaze me because every time you feel lost, you find your way again._

_You see the beauty in things when everyone else only sees the worst things, including me. I know you quitting was for us but I wish you hadn't because I have no real reason to look forward to going to work besides doing my job well._

_I spend a lot of time wondering how you took over me the way you did & I realize that I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't for you. I wouldn't be alive._

_Besides the fact that my heart works fine, it feels like its more because it has something better to do besides keep me alive; it's loving you & I have to say, it's doing a great job. I'll be awake for awhile. Call me when you get this._


	2. I'm Yours

I'm Yours.

I'm going to try and keep this one going, wish me luck! More texting and calling between two people who just can't get it together. Text is underlined and italics AND will say who it's from. Phew. Please to enjoy! Title: Jason Mraz-I'm Yours.

Rafe stood on the front porch with his left hand crammed into the front pocket of his jeans, his house keys dangling on his right index finger as he weighed his options. He knocked twice and waited. He rocked on his heels for a moment, prepared to walk back the way he came. _This was stupid. This was so stupid._ He mentally berated himself as he rattled the keys in his hand before approaching the door and knocking again. _She's probably out with Olivia._

"Coming!" came a call from somewhere in the house. The curtain in the right window fluttered and Natalia's face appeared. She smiled and opened the door for Rafe who stepped in shyly. "Hi!" she beamed, pulling him into a hug.

"Hey…" he replied, gingerly hugging her back. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine. What're you doing here?" Natalia asked, regretting having been so eager to hug her so obviously perturbed son.

"Just, wanted to stop by…" _I really didn't have any other place to go._ "See if there was any cake left…"

She swatted his arm and led the way into the kitchen. "There's plenty cake, pasteles whatever you want."

He slid his hands into the pockets of his jeans and followed her quietly, his stomach rumbled at the thought of home cooked food for once. Most of the lights in the house were out, except for night lights that cast eerie amber glow in their respective areas; Natalia kept them on as a means to avoid knocking things over in the middle of the night. He wordlessly sat down at the kitchen table, turning off his mp3 player and wrapping the buds around it before tucking it back into his jeans pocket. "So what did you do today?"

_Answer honestly? I should._ "Just took care of a few errands. What did you end up doing?"

"Went to the movies with Daisy."

"Oh. Did you see anything good?"

"Ma, it's been awhile since I've been at the movies, so anything pretty much worked for me." he joked as he watched his mother warm up a plate of food. "It was some comedy, wasn't bad though. Kinda glad she paid for it…"

Natalia chuckled as she turned to place his plate on the table. "That's nice…" she said dryly, a smirk on her face. "I'm sure she'd love to know that."

"I told her. I said 'Daisy, if this sucks it's on you.'" he straightened up in his chair as Natalia a glass of water to the table for him. "But it was cool. Marina said she's gonna make dinner sometime soon for my birthday."

"Yeah, Frank mentioned something like that…" she closed the fridge door with her hip and sat down across from Rafe.

"Were you checking up on me?"

"No. I was in Company getting some coffee before I went on my job interview."

"Job interview…?"

"I quit, remember."

"Yeah I remember but I didn't think you were serious…" Rafe muttered, spearing a piece of the pastele absently. "Ma, you're not eating?"

"I ate earlier…drank too…" she tacked on with a small smile on her lips.

He was afraid to ask but couldn't stop himself. "You did?"

She braced herself. "Yeah."

"Oh yeah? Who were you with?" _I don't think I really want to know._

"Olivia."

His shoulders slumped at the mention of her name. "Ma…"

"Rafael."

He clenched and unclenched his hands, leaning back in his seat, the wood groaning under his weight. "Wh…"

"We were in the same place at the same time."

"I bet…" he replied as he reached for his napkin and began tearing at the corners to keep himself distracted.

"Rafe…"

He sighed and fidgeted in his seat, his fingers still working the paper napkin into knots and pieces. "I don't want to talk about it ma." he managed, the corner of his mouth twitching.

Natalia leaned forward, reaching for his hand. He kept them under the table, his discomfort growing. "I want you to know that I'm doing everything right for once." She watched him scratch the back of his head absently, staring at his half eaten plate while she spoke. She pulled her hands away, keeping them palms down on the table, watching him avoiding her eyes. "I know this is difficult for you, it's hard for me too because you're my best friend, you're the only person on this planet who knows how much I love them and what I'd do for them. It's always been just the two of us and that's not going to change."

"It did when you started this mess with Olivia." he stood up suddenly, tossing the napkin onto the plate. "Look ma, I'm not really wanting to hear this right now so, thank you for dinner…I'm going back to Frank's."

Natalia was up on her feet and blocked his escape. "Just hear me out okay?" she took hold of him by the elbows, dismayed as he rocked and sucked his teeth but stayed still. "I know this is hard, it was hard for me too but, please, understand that I'm happy."

He said nothing, his jaw locked as he stared over his mothers head, avoiding her eyes.

"At least let me give you your birthday cake and present." she said, defeated as she let go of his elbows. She went to the fridge and pulled out the Tupperware filled with the large chocolate cake square and candles.

"It's just weird." he said, his hands crammed into his pockets as he watched her move around the kitchen, pulling out the big white back from its hiding place. "It's really weird."

"It wasn't easy for me either." she replied, stopping what she was doing to face him.

"Yeah but you…it's like you forgot _everything."_

"I didn't, Rafe. Believe me. I didn't forget anything. I can't. I pray still, I'm still reading the Bible…I'm still me, Rafe. I'm still your mom and I still love you, always, there is _nothing_ in this life or world that will ever, _ever_ change that…"

He stared at his mother, studying her face, the determination in her eyes mingled with a plea and prayer. He nodded simply and checked his watch. "I gotta get back to Frank's."

Natalia blinked back tears and gave him a tight lipped nod, packing the leftovers into the bag.

Olivia yawned and sank deeper into the pillows as she watched "The Notebook" on cable. She sighed heavily as she watched Noah and Allie deal with the Allie's family tear into Noah's lack of social stature, their disapproving comments stinging Olivia as they stung Noah. Groaning, she reached for the remote and changed the channel. "I REALLY don't need to be reminded of anything right now." She stopped on the Discovery Channel for a moment, hoping nothing romantic would show up on screen. The host held up two handfuls of soil as he talked about the importance of small scale gardening helping with filtering C02 in the air. "Terrific." she changed the channel again and settled on a Family Guy re-run.

She reached over to her nightstand and checked her phone. No reply. _Maybe I scared her…she'll probably think I'm drunk or kept drinking after she left…_She sighed heavily again, trying to concentrate on what was going on TV but she wasn't all that sure she wanted to know as she watched Brian and Stewie, who was in drag, kissing in a restaurant. "See that? Even cartoons are getting lucky."

Natalia grit her teeth as she waited for Rafe to call her to let her know that he'd arrived at Frank's apartment. She tapped the house phone against her hip as she paced around in the living room, counting to ten and back down again to calm herself down. She felt as though she was losing her mind; between Rafe and Frank and the Cooper's over-exuberance with Rafe's birthday she felt as if the world she knew was falling over into a world of chaos and pandemonium. She frowned as she checked the time, still no word.

"Frank."

He answered on the first ring. Natalia closed her eyes and held her breath before answering. "Hi, did Rafe get there yet?"

"Uhhh…" she heard the phone jostling around before Frank came back on the line. "Yeah, just got in."

"Okay…thanks Frank."

"Sure."

She slumped onto the couch and let her head lull back. She stared at the ceiling for a moment, her eyes tearing up. She closed her eyes and thick tears slid from the corners of her eyes and plopped onto the couch.

Olivia found herself flipping through channels again, fighting the sleep that she desperately craved because she wanted to hear Natalia's voice or at least know what she thought about the extremely long text message she had sent her. Dismayed, she reached for the phone and pressed for her on speed dial.

It went straight to voicemail.

"Hi, you've reached Natalia Rivera. I'm sorry I missed your call, but if you leave your name, number and a brief message, I will call you back as soon as possible."

The right side of her mouth tugged in a smile. She sounded like she was smiling when she made that voicemail prompt. She hung up and tried again, the same message eliciting the same response from her. On the third try she left a message.

"Hey, Natalia it's me…I just wanted to say good night. I had a wonderful time with you…sweet dreams. I love you."

The shower didn't help to ease the tension that had settled deep in her bones but it made her feel a little better. She toweled off her hair as she checked on her cell phone as it sat charging on her nightstand. She pressed a random button and exhaled at the BATTERY CHARGED image on the screen. She turned the phone on and pulled on her pjs. She jumped at the sound of the phone's message received prompt filling up the quiet bedroom.

1 new Voicemail.

She sat on the edge of her bed, listening to Olivia's voice. The discomfort she had been feeling that the shower hadn't eased was instantly melted from her shoulders at the sound of Olivia's voice. She sounded so unsure of herself, almost as if she was scared to sound so needy.

She then saw why.

Large chunks of text appeared on her screen, one after the other, the words blurring as Natalia caught glimpses of them on the small screen. Her brows knit together as she started from the first message and read the words slowly and carefully. Her heart stuttered as she read through each of the messages, hearing Olivia's voice in her head and picturing her face as she spoke. Natalia always liked the way her left eye always squinted when she spoke from the heart, as if she was trying to make sure the words looked as good as they sounded. Olivia was a funny woman that way; she always wanted to make sure that things were just right or even a close rival for perfection. She wished that Olivia had just told her that in person but then again, the little pixilated words were from Olivia's heart and it warmed Natalia to know that she felt that way, even if she couldn't say it.

_From: Olivia-__Besides the fact that my heart works fine, it feels like its more because it has something better to do besides keep me alive; it's loving you & I have to say, it's doing a great job. I'll be awake for awhile. Call me when you get this._

Olivia was fast asleep when the ringing of her cell phone brought her around. The first chords of Steve Wonder's "My Cherie Amore" dragging out of the sandman's grasp and she was rolling over, her hand fumbling around on the nightstand for the phone.

"Mum." she managed, her voice thick with sleep.

"You said to call you when I got your message…I didn't think you'd be asleep."

"Trying to do yoga…tires me out." Olivia yawned unceremoniously, stretching languidly before relaxing again, her body feeling looser than it had before she went to bed. _Guess it does sort of work._

"I'm sure that's what you were doing." Natalia teased. She turned out her bedside lamp and settled into the middle of the bed, surrounded by her pillows and snuggled under the blanket. "You sound like you've been asleep for hours, you're so groggy and disoriented."

"Did you call me to make fun of me?" Olivia grumbled, rolling onto her back, watching the blue light from the TV casting shadows that danced along the ceiling, the theme song to Aqua Teen Hunger Force drifting out of the speakers.

Natalia smiled and bit her bottom lip. "Thank you for the message. It was beautiful."

Olivia blushed, her left hand covering her face in mock horror as Crest kid smile lit up her face. "Well, it's what I wanted to tell you but I thought it meant more in writing…"

"You still could've told me _and_ put it in writing…" she played with the ends of her slightly damp hair. "Rafe came by for dinner."

"He did? That's good." Olivia straightened up in bed, propping the pillow up between herself and the headboard.

"We tried to talk…" she said, her mind replaying their awkward conversation. "It didn't go very well."

"I'm sorry." Olivia replied, a small pain building beneath her ribs. "Maybe…"

"I think I explained it well enough but…it's hard to put in words what I feel harder and still to explain it to my son."

Olivia pulled a pillow closer to her, bear hugging it as she thought about how to respond to Natalia. She vaguely entertained the idea of telling her that while it was great that she told him, it still didn't pull them out of the increasingly uncomfortable and lonely position of neutral. She stared at the farthest wall before answering. "I never said it was going to be easy and I feel like a broken record whenever I say it but, I don't know what we _should do_. I know what needs to be done but between us and everyone else? I just…" _don't care?_ "draw a blank. You know we've waited to explain to everyone and I know you know that I'm done explaining things. You know I don't want to wait. I just want to be in bed with you right now, no phones, no distance between us."

Natalia shivered at the idea of being curled up in bed with Olivia at that moment. "That sounds wonderful…" She felt a warm rush to her cheeks at the sensation of Olivia's arms wrapping around her waist, playing with her hair and whispering something in her ear. She could imagine it all and wanted it but was at a loss with how to get that. She sighed. "He left when I tried to explain anything more than what he wanted to hear. He took the gift."

_Of course he did._ "That's good. Hopefully, he'll call Emma."

"With our luck, Emma already called him."

"You're probably right."

They sat in silence for a moment, Natalia in her moon lit room, Olivia in her TV lit room, the sounds of Shake arguing with Meatwad in only disturbance in their contemplative silence.

"What're you doing?" Natalia asked, as she looked out of window.

"Sitting in bed."

"Oh. That's it?"

"Were you expecting something spectacular?"

Natalia giggled and shook her head. "No I just thought you'd be staring out of the window…"

"Why?"

"Because there are a lot of stars out tonight and I thought maybe you'd be wishing on one or two."

"Why would I wish for something I already have?"

A shiver ran up Natalia's spine and her stomach was alive with butterflies. She bit her lower lip as her cheeks turned a deep red. "Do you have me?" she whispered, her eyes closed, imagining Olivia just inches away from her, her hands held tightly in Olivia's gentle grasp.

"I'd like to think so."

"You know you do." Natalia replied her voice almost inaudible. _Even if it doesn't feel like it right now._

Olivia blushed. "How do I know?" She settled deeper into bed, preparing for Natalia's answer.

"You know you do…" she searched for the right way to say what she felt but was at a loss. Natalia stared out of the window, watching the night sky, hoping an answer would appear. "Because of the way you are, the way you just, love me…you make me feel so beautiful and so loved…You don't have to _say_ anything to me, just, look at me or just touch my cheek or reach for my hand and I feel so overwhelmed with love…that's how I know you have me."

Olivia remained still. She felt her eyes watering for a moment before tears slid down her cheeks. "Is that how you know…?" she murmured, her heart fluttering behind her ribs making her certain that she would pass out if she wasn't careful.

"Yes."

"I'm _really_ glad you called…" Olivia said with a small chuckle.

"Why's that?"

"Because I don't think a text would've done it justice…"

"Well that's because I can't text a mile a minute like you can…" Natalia suddenly wished Olivia was in bed with her. She imagined herself snuggling into the crook of her neck and wrapping her free arm around Olivia's waist. She felt happy with that fantasy in mind.

"Remind me to get you a new phone."

"Funny." she chuckled and pulled a nearby pillow towards her, hugging it tightly. "Olivia?"

"Mhm?"

"Would…would you tell me what you're doing…? Please?"

Olivia blushed. She was snuggled deep into bed, her arms wrapped around a pillow, holding on to it for dear life. "Just because I want to picture you…it sounds silly, I know but…" Natalia added. Olivia pictured her nose scrunched up as she asked, her brown eyes shining innocently. She melted at the image.

"In bed, hugging a pillow. Your turn." Olivia turned pink in embarrassment.

Natalia smiled. "Me too."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better…"

"No, I really am…its dark in my room except for the moon and the nightlight and I'm just here…in my bed, hugging a pillow…"

"We're like a couple of teenagers you know…"

"I know…it's…its so embarrassing." Natalia admitted. "I'm so loves struck."

"Really? With who?"

"You, silly."

"Oh, just checking…"

"Getting insecure already?"

"No, just curious…maybe I like hearing you say it…"

"Say what?"

"I love you."

"Ahhh, but I didn't say I love you…"

"_Now_ you did." Olivia smiled, imaging herself wrapped around Natalia in bed. "I'm clever. I know."

"You know that…I love you…I'm sorry it feels like it's taking forever to just _be _together, it's so new and…"

"Natalia…" Olivia interjected, her fingertips burning to touch her lips, feeling their warmth, the silk of her skin. "I know. I want it as badly as you do and I'm done waiting but you're worth waiting for. I know that whatever happens, it will be so worth it and we'll be glad to have had this time to just…be. I know we'll be together and I know it will be the best thing that has ever happened to us."

Natalia sighed. She felt a familiar tingle run through her body, sending chills. She wanted everything they both thought about, even if they had no idea that they shared mutual thoughts. She felt herself being comfortable with Olivia's hand on her cheek, her smile, her playful jokes and the way she made her feel like the only person in a room full of people. She wanted to lie next to her in bed, watching her watch TV and steal glances at her the way she had while they were at the spa. Natalia blushed as the memory of their spa adventure bubbled up; Olivia feigned interest in Emma's movie of choice, her eyes sliding casually over Emma's head as she sat between the two of them, watching Natalia as she watched the movie, seemingly oblivious. Natalia's gaze would wander over Emma's head and catch Olivia boldly studying her features. They would sit there, riveted, studying each other's features silently while Emma sat between them unaware of the moment. She sighed. "It feels good to hear you say that…" she said after a moment, staring down at her pillow, watching the way it pressed against her in her bear hug.

"I thought you fell asleep…"

"Oh no, I'm here."

"Good to know." Olivia quipped. "What're you thinking about?"

"Just…you. The way you are, the way you look."

"Look? What about the way I look?"

"The way you look at me I mean, it's always so…cute…you're like two different people. You're Olivia Spencer, hotel honcho and with me you're…you're such a softie."

"A softie? Really?" Olivia intoned, in mock horror.

"It's a good thing, because I'm the only one who knows why you're so eager to take lunch, or a phone call or go somewhere else…You're my Olivia…I don't have to share you with anyone."

Olivia blushed. "Wow."

"What?"

"I should send you more heartfelt text messages more often."

"You should, makes me feel special."

"You are special, Natalia."

Natalia smiled. "Thank you." She nestled deep into bed, laying on her right side, holding the phone to her ear still. "I want to tell you something but I don't know if it's too forward."

"Just tell me, sweetheart."

Natalia blushed again. "I wish you were here with me…"

"I do too. Where is that forward? You're allowed to want things like that…"

"I know…"

Olivia lay on her back, watching the blue shadows dancing on the ceiling. She had no idea what was on now, but it was vivid and probably something that made no sense. "We'll have it soon."

"As long as I have your word, I'm going to be okay." Natalia sighed.

"As long as I have you, I'll be better." Olivia replied, her eyes closed for a moment.

"I'm yours." Natalia replied. "Don't worry."

"I'm not worried…I'm happy."

"Good." Natalia yawned, "I'm happy too."

"Get some sleep." Olivia replied, wishing she could tap her nose with the tip of her finger and letting her snuggle close to her.

"Are you hanging up with me?" Natalia mumbled sleepily.

"No. I'm staying here with you…well, on the phone at least."

"Good."

"Remind me to buy you a headset."

"Can we get matching pairs?"

"Sure." Olivia laughed, bunching the pillow under her head. "We can pick them up whenever you want."

"Good, I'm getting a cramp in my hand just laying here holding the phone like I'm holding on to you."

"I promise, I won't cramp you up. I'm practically a yoga master."

Natalia laughed, it was a good hearty one too. Olivia felt her heart leap at the sound of it. "Keep making fun of me…"

"I will, don't worry."

"Go to sleep."

"You're not the boss of me." Natalia quipped.

"Very funny."

"I know. Sweet dreams…"

"Dream sweet."

Olivia lay still in bed, listening to the lowered sounds of the TV and Natalia's deep breathing. She wanted the same things, she knew it wouldn't be easy to get them, they still had major hurdles to leap over and the complexity of whatever their relationship entailed. While that was all well and good and worth all the fight, she just wanted something as simple as a guilt free night.

Knowing that Natalia was hers, that leapt to the top of the things she could ever ask for.


	3. You Got It Bad

You Got It Bad

Once again, the text messages are underlined, labeled and italicized for your convenient reading. I hate the "Natalia and the case of the mysterious illness *cough contrived plot device*" storyline, but I like the drama of it so I'm referencing it while remembering the tree planting and Blake employment that's been going on. The rest is my hilarious inference and what nots. The characters and things are belonging to P&G, CBS and Telenext; I'll be gentle with them. Title: Usher-U Got It Bad. Please to enjoy =)

Natalia washed her face in the coldest water she could get, feeling the tiny prickles it elicited on her skin. She didn't feel hot, she didn't feel sweaty, she just felt clammy and her skin seemed to have lost some of its color. She frowned at her reflection; her hair even fell flat and seemed dead on her shoulders. She blew air out through her lips, trumpeting her distaste before dunking her face in the cold sink again.

Olivia watched as Emma skipped off towards her friends, her ponytail bobbing behind her. _She didn't even turn around this time._ she mused, pulling out her cell phone and pressing for Natalia's number.

_From-Olivia: I wanted to wish you a good day today. You're gonna do great._

She smiled and slid the phone in her pocket before sliding walking around the front of the car and sliding into the driver's seat.

Natalia sighed and flopped unceremoniously on the edge of her bed. She reached for freshly charged cell phone and smiled at the message that greeted her. Her thumbs arched over the buttons, trying to think of something to say but she suddenly wanted to hear Olivia's voice.

"Hey you." Olivia greeted. "I was just thinking about you."

"You're always thinking about me…" Natalia replied, easing herself down in bed, her legs dangling over the edge of the bed, bent at the knees. "What're you doing?"

"Driving."

"What?! Olivia, call me back!" Natalia exclaimed, her eyes popping wide.

"It's fine. I've got the headset on…I promised that I'd get them didn't I?" Olivia grinned.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure. I can do two things at once. How are you? Are you okay?"

"I…I just wanted to hear your voice…" Natalia mumbled, feeling foolish.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong? You sound terrible." Olivia said, her brows creasing in concern. "Do you want me to come over?"

_Yes._ "No no, it's alright. I'm alright."

"You don't sound _anything _like being alright. Are you still feeling sick?"

"I have to get to work and work on promotion for a book Blake published." Natalia replied, ignoring Olivia's concern.

"Honey, you're overworked…you sound exhausted." Olivia had already doubled back from heading back to The Beacon and was well on her way to the farmhouse. She tried not to gun the engine. "I'm going over there. Call Blake and tell her that you're not coming in today."

"Olivia…I can't do that." Natalia groaned, her eyes closed as she slowly sat up, her body protesting against the movement. "I haven't been working with Blake long enough to take a day off."

"Natalia, it's a sick day, I'm sure Blake will understand." Olivia replied, her foot getting heavier against the pedal. "Just lay down...I'll be there in no time."

Natalia pursed her lips, her eyes still closed. "Okay…I'll call Blake."

"Natalia, just relax. I'll take care of what needs to be handled and you just focus on getting yourself better, okay? I'm going to yell at Buzz for that stupid stove of his as soon as I get into Company."

Natalia gave a weak smile. "Don't be too hard on him…"

"Are you going to be alright by yourself? Is Olivia coming over to help you?"

"Yes…I told her not to worry but you know how stubborn she is. Don't worry though; I'll be in tomorrow, first thing. I'm really sorry…"

"She's smitten, Natalia. There's no reasoning with someone in love...Just focus on getting better."

"Thanks for understanding…I'll be in tomorrow." Natalia hung up the phone and curled up in the center of her bed, still fully clothed.

Olivia was on the verge of kicking in the door when she remembered the keys in her bag. The key was poised at the lock before it dawned on her; Rafe could be home. Or stop by. She pulled out her phone and dialed Natalia again.

"Hi…" Natalia said her voice almost inaudible.

"I'm outside. Is Rafe home?"

"No…I'll let you in…"

"Don't worry; I have the keys, remember? Where are you?"

"In my room."

"Be up in a second."

Olivia let herself in, the familiar rush of the feeling of home hitting her as soon as she crossed the threshold and tossed her bag on the couch. She locked the door behind her and took the stairs two at a time, speed walking until she reached Natalia's door. She opened it slowly and peered inside to find the brunette had crawled under the covers fully clothed, her heels chucked at the foot of the bed. Natalia stirred as Olivia entered but didn't look up.

"Sweetheart…" Olivia said, moving towards the bed and sitting on the right side of the bed closest to Natalia's head, her hand immediately brushing back Natalia's bangs and feeling for a temperature. "You're clammy." She pulled back the covers and tsked her tongue at the sight of a fully clothed Natalia. "And still dressed for work."

"Guh." Natalia groaned as she curled around Olivia's hip, her head resting in Olivia's lap. "I feel so crummy."

"You look crummy. Get changed, I'll make you some soup. Did you call Blake?" Olivia replied, her fingers combing through Natalia's hair softly.

"Mhmm" Natalia replied, the aches in her body melting away slowly the longer Olivia's hands remained on her. "She said to feel better. And thought it was sweet of you to come to me."

"As soon as I didn't feel little rays of sunshine coming through the phone I knew you weren't feeling well." She kissed the top of Natalia's clammy forehead. "Take your clothes off."

Natalia's head snapped up from Olivia's lap, her eyes wide.

"Not like that." Olivia atoned quickly. "Not until you're feeling better…" she added, gently poking Natalia in the ribs. "Pjs, on, now. I'll be back in five minutes with soup."

Natalia's heart fluttered as she pulled herself away from Olivia and slowly sat up, watching Olivia's retreating form with tired eyes. She slid off the left side of the bed and let her legs drape over the edge. She unbuttoned her top slowly, peeling it off and tossing it unceremoniously at the back of a nearby chair. She felt under her pillow for her t-shirt and slipped it on by sheer force of will without laying flat on her back and taking a ten minute break. She sighed and undid her pants, tossing them with the shirt. She groaned at the concept of having to get up and go to the bathroom, where the sweats were hanging behind the door. She briefly contemplated climbing back under the covers and waiting for Olivia and the soup in her t-shirt and underwear but thought against it. She stood up and slowly made her way to the bathroom and tugged the sweats from the back of the door. She slid the sweatpants back on and padded barefoot back to the bed, sliding under the covers and pulling her favorite pillow into a bear hug.

Olivia's mind ran a mile a minute as she waited for the chicken noodle soup to warm up. Part of it was the fact that Natalia had needed her at the moment and the other part was because she feared Rafe walking in and finding her in the kitchen. She paced absently in front of the stove as though through sheer kinetic force, the action would heat up the liquid faster. She stirred it with a spoon to give her hands something to do and felt her eyes drift towards the front door from time to time, expecting his shadow to loom in the window. "You're being ridiculous." she reasoned out loud to herself, raising the spoon to her lips. "He's not going to just _show up_. He's not _that_ considerate." she chastised herself for thinking so poorly of her best friend's son as she gave the soup a few more minutes to heat.

She pulled out a bowl and placed it on the stove top. She was surprised with how easily she moved through the kitchen, despite the fact that she hadn't been there formally in months, let alone allowed to move in it because as far as she was concerned, this was Natalia's turf. All that time she spent watching her move around in her kitchen had given her an almost sixth sense to where everything was and in no time she had filled up the bowl with the soup, placed it on a larger plate, had a package of saltines, placed them on a serving tray and was heading slowly upstairs with the whole thing.

"Natalia…?" she said softly, holding the tray aloft. "Soup's on. It's canned but I'll take the credit for it being delicious." a wry smile on her face.

Natalia pushed herself up on her elbows and gave Olivia a small smile. "You're so sweet…" She sat up slowly, her shoulders bunched together in a shrug.

Olivia made her way over to Natalia and placed the tray over her lap, pulling a nearby chair over and sitting on it. She pressed the back of her hand against Natalia's forehead. "You're not running a temperature…do you feel cold?"

"Just a little bit…" Natalia replied, blowing on the soup before having some.

"I noticed something." Olivia said, watching Natalia gingerly eat. "Practically everything we do involves food."

Natalia giggled into her soup. "Not everything."

"Just about everything yeah. The baking? Food. Dinner together…"

"It's dinner. What else do you eat during dinner?"

"You could have a liquid diet." Olivia offered with a shrug.

"_You_ could have a liquid diet." Natalia replied, some color returning to her cheeks.

"I could, but I don't...you're too good a cook to deny myself solid food."

Natalia laughed again, enjoying the soup and crackers, color slowly returning to her cheeks. "Well. Growing up, we showed our love with food. It's just a way to show you care. You know the saying, the way to a heart is through the stomach."

Olivia smiled as she watched Natalia's spirit lift. "So the soup…is an extension of my caring for you?"

Natalia gave a small nod before taking the bowl and emptying the rest of the broth into her mouth. She wiped her lips with the back of her hand which was followed by a hearty burp.

"Classy." Olivia mused, taking the tray from Natalia. She put the crackers on the nightstand and headed back downstairs. She returned a few minutes later with two steamy mugs of tea and a plastic case tucked under her right arm.

"What's that?" Natalia asked, nodding with her chin at the plastic case.

"This," Olivia said, handing Natalia her mug before taking a seat on the edge of Natalia's bed. "is the headset I promised you." she took a sip of her tea and watched as Natalia eyed the package, a smirk on her face. "What? Thought I was kidding?"

"No I didn't…it's just…"

"What?"

"Are we _really_ on the phone that often that we need these things?" she asked picking it up with her left hand and reading the back of it with interest.

"Well, you're the one complaining about hand cramps…besides, while you're working with Blake, it'll be easier to do two things at once. You'll have your hands, free." Olivia replied, her left hand opened in an a-ha manner. "It's how I was on the phone with you, remember?"

"I know that." Natalia replied, swatting at Olivia's back with the package. "I thought we were going to pick them together…"

"Did you want a matching pair?"

"Well I…I thought I'd go get one myself and you'd have one and…"

"Natalia." Olivia rolled her eyes. "Just open it and let's sync it up to your phone."

Natalia placed her mug on the nightstand on her right and vexed over the perforations that dotted the back of the hard plastic case. "We need scissors." she said resolutely. "It's gonna take us forever to get it out."

Olivia held up two bandaged fingers on her right hand. "I wish I thought of that first."

"Ohhhh." Natalia cooed, pulling Olivia's fingers towards her and kissing them softly. Olivia's body followed the tug willingly, her green eyes twinkling. Natalia breathed slowly when she realized how dizzyingly close she was to Olivia. "Better?"

"I should be asking you that." Olivia breathed, watching as the sickly pallor that had overtaken Natalia's skin seemingly melted away. "You look a whole lot better."

"I feel much _much_ better." Natalia replied, her hands wrapped around Olivia's right, the Bluetooth headset forgotten in her lap. She brushed back a lock of Olivia's hair behind her ear, a small smile tugging on the corner of her mouth. "You're beautiful." she softly whispered, the knuckles of her right left hand brushing Olivia's cheek slowly.

"I'm starting to think you faked this exhaustion thing…" Olivia quipped, "just to spend a day with me…"

"No I didn't…I can't fake feeling this lousy." Natalia replied, her shoulders slumping slightly at the mention of why she was still sitting in bed, her courage to kiss Olivia dashed. "But you being here makes me feel a lot better." she added, kissing the back of Olivia's hand.

"That's good…" Olivia's skin was on fire where Natalia's lips had pressed against it.

They sat still, holding each other's hands tightly before Natalia's courage reared on its hind legs and charged the chasm between them. "Do you want to lay here?"

"Where?" Olivia asked stupidly.

"Here. Next to me."

Olivia's deep green eyes flashed something that Natalia had never seen before; lust? "Do you think it's a good idea…?" Olivia asked suddenly aware of the very real possibility of being in the same bed as Natalia, having her lay in her arms; even if she was feeling a little under the weather it was better than hugging a pillow any day. Natalia nodded slowly, causing Olivia's heart to rattle savagely in her ribcage. Natalia shifted in the bed, moving towards the side she slept on the most (the right) and pulled the blankets back giving Olivia space. Olivia kicked off her sneakers and turned towards an expectant Natalia. She slid under the covers and straightened her back against the headboard, trying desperately not to have a heart attack with their current location and proximity. She looked to her right and saw Natalia was not a mirage, a figment of her sleepy imagination or a pillow and gave a lopsided grin.

"Hi." Natalia greeted, her eyes sparkling.

"Hi." Olivia breathed, grateful she decided to wear yoga pants this morning instead of the jeans she had contemplated.

"I like that shirt on you." Natalia complimented casually, tugging on the small sleeve of the deep blue t-shirt Olivia wore.

"It's just a shirt Natalia…" Olivia replied, watching Natalia's delicate fingers brush against her arm. She realized that she both was incredibly stiff and unaware of her body at the same time; her legs stretched out in front of her and her arms lay uselessly at her sides as she sat propped up like a doll in bed with Natalia.

"It compliments your eyes." Natalia said, bumping Olivia playfully with her shoulder.

"You compliment my eyes…" Olivia replied, her right hand seeking Natalia's left. She took hold of it, brushing her thumb against the back of her hand softly. "Or compliment me. Haven't decided yet."

Natalia smiled and leaned over to rest her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I compliment you? I like that." she yawned heavily, her fingers interlacing with Olivia's as if she could tether her to the waking world. The tips of Natalia's fingers traced along the back of Olivia's hand, marveling at how soft she was and how strong she felt at the same time.

She was feeling so much better now that she had Olivia right next to her, alleviating the stress the world seemed to have piled onto her shoulders in the past few weeks. It worried her to know that they had been both the happiest and saddest time in her life; Olivia had made her intentions for them well known while Rafe and Ray made _their_ intentions well known. She expected resistance, fear, and judgment but she hadn't anticipated that it would come from two of the most important people in her life. Her grip tightened slightly as she felt her body drifting into sleep, she wanted to make sure that Olivia was there, holding her hand and keeping her grounded. _Maybe I'm feeling run down because of the anxiety from the last few weeks, the emotional rollercoaster of this relationship which hasn't really BEEN a relationship because of all of the external pressure that's been building up. Olivia doesn't seem to be so stressed out…maybe I'm just holding too much in my heart and head and they're just so tired of fighting the world instead of just letting me be._ She yawned again and felt Olivia's body shift underneath her. Her head lulled against Olivia's shoulder until she found that she was resting in the crook of her neck. A content sigh escaped her lips as she felt Olivia's lips press against the top of her head.

Olivia stirred at the sound of a phone brrpting on top of a wooden tabletop. She groaned and rolled onto her right side, her left arm draping across something solid and warm in a vague attempt to silence the offensive sound. She lay for a moment feeling the weight beneath her arm shift slightly and move closer towards her as the brrpting grew louder and more obnoxious. Olivia's right eye opened slowly, a mess of jet black hair obscuring her view for a moment before her left eye opened and took in the sight of Natalia's face as she lay beside her, sound asleep. The color that had drained from her face in the last few days disappeared and replaced with a glow that radiated from her pores. Olivia lifted her head from the pillow and stared at the phone as it lay silent on the nightstand. She gingerly propped herself up on her right arm and reached for the phone, sliding it open to see who had been calling Natalia, her mind flashing an image of Rafe downstairs wondering why his mother wasn't answering his calls. She sat bolt upright in bed, frozen with fear as she imagined him coming upstairs and finding the two of them in bed together. She calmed down immediately as Blake's name and number appeared under missed calls. She let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding and placed the phone back on the nightstand. She looked down at the sleeping form next to her and sighed. Her eyes landed on the alarm clock as it sat unblinking on the nightstand. They had only been asleep for a half hour. She let out a small snort and bunched up the pillows she had been sleeping on against the headboard before she leaned against them and studied Natalia as she slept on.

Olivia moved her right hand towards Natalia, fingers extended towards Natalia's hairline, brushing back her bangs and marveling at how beautiful she looked sleeping. Whatever had been plaguing her the last few days seemed to have disappeared or put at bay for the meantime and for that, Olivia couldn't be happier. _Why are you so stressed out?_ She ran her fingertips along her jaw, her fingers feeling as though she was touching a livewire. Her index finger brushed along her full lips, shivering as she realized how easy it would be to just plant one on Sleeping Beauty. Slowly, she eased onto her right side, propping herself up on her arm, watching for any signs of movement from Natalia. Her left hand gently moved a lock of Natalia's hair away from her face before the same hand replaced the hair on Natalia's cheek, her thumb rubbing against her skin. She moved closer, aware of how dangerous and how wrong it was to be stealing kisses from someone who was sleeping but really…where _was_ the harm? Olivia moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue, suddenly aware of the fact that she had mid-afternoon breath but still not letting it deter her. She pressed forward, bolding closing the gap between their lips.

It was feather light, almost as if she had never kissed her at all but the feeling of Natalia's soft, silken lips against her own sent Olivia's heart into a rampage. Her body reacted the way it had the first time she had ambush kissed Natalia; it wanted more, it wanted it badly and it wouldn't stop until the need was fulfilled. Her mind raced. _Did she notice? Does she care? Would it matter? God I want to just shake her awake to kiss her, really kiss her and not steal them or ambush her. _She watched as Natalia slept on, unaware of her kissing thievery and the subsequent guilt trip she was suffering through. She sighed and lay on her back, her right arm tucked under her head while her left lay across her torso, feeling the powerful surge of energy ebb throughout her body. She stared at the ceiling for a moment, counting backwards from ten and back again, hoping to fall asleep or at least to stop the thoughts that were running through her head at a mile a minute. _It's not about the sex. It's about the connection. The give and take and the electricity and the…_she groaned. _The release of that energy._

She felt Natalia stir beside her, glancing over as she sighed in her sleep, wrapped up under the blanket. _Maybe I should get up._ Olivia thought, watching Natalia sleep on, a small smile on her lips. _I deserve this. She deserves this. We _earned_ this. _She rolled back onto her right side, her arm propped under her head, her left hand playing with the ends of Natalia's hair, fingertips occasionally brushing against her skin. _I could stay like this for hours…_

Olivia was awakened by the sound of Natalia's breathing in her ear, slow and heavy as she slept with her face inches from Olivia's. Natalia's right arm was slung across Olivia's torso, her right leg draped along Olivia's legs. She stirred and blinked heavily at the clock on the nightstand, cursing the big red numbers for reading 5:15 pm. She had to get Emma but she was _so_ comfortable. She sighed and kissed Natalia's forehead, mumbling incoherently about having to get up and get Emma before one of the councilors took her to the Beacon, found the apartment empty launched a search party and found them ensconced in the farmhouse in bed in Natalia's room. She felt Natalia move slightly, grunting against the sudden shift before exhaling, her eyes opening slowly.

"What time is it?" she asked groggily.

"Five seventeen." Olivia replied, stretching her arms and legs before sliding out of bed. "I've got to get Emma…"

"Oh…okay…" Natalia said, disappointment etching into her still sleepy features. She rolled onto her stomach, bunched her pillow under her chin and watched as Olivia busied herself pulling her sneakers back on. Olivia turned around and stared at for a moment, her left hand reaching over to Natalia's forehead and cheek, feeling it for temperature or a cold sweat.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked, her palm resting on Natalia's cheek.

"Better." Natalia replied simply, relishing the contact between them. She shivered as Olivia's thumb brushed against her lips.

"You sure…? You just shivered…"

"It was a good one…" Natalia replied, moving closer to Olivia and sitting up to lean against her. "Thanks for coming over…"

"I would've come over even if you hadn't invited me."

"I know but…you didn't have to…"

"I wanted to." Olivia gave her a small smile, looping her right arm around Natalia's waist and kissing her temple softly. "I always want to be around you, even when you're sick…I'm willing to risk the possibility of infection just to be with you."

Natalia blushed furiously and buried her face in Olivia's face. "That's the sweetest thing I've heard…" she joked, feeling hold on her tighten.

"You know me…"

Natalia felt herself melting against Olivia. "I know you have to go…"

"Mhm."

She let Olivia go, sitting in the center of bed as she watched Olivia stand up and stretch again. "I'll miss you…"

"I know you will. I'll miss you too."

"I. I'm sorry I haven't been feeling so great lately…"

"It's not your fault…"

"I know but…"

"Shh." Olivia cut in, her right hand brushing back Natalia's bangs from her face, her eyes locked onto her deep brown eyes. "Just relax. Everything, everything will be okay." Natalia felt paralyzed under Olivia's gaze, her breath caught in her throat as she stared back into Olivia's deep green eyes and reminded herself that she wanted everything to be right and that had to start with her. "I've got to get out of here now, otherwise I'll crawl right back into bed and I'll never leave." Olivia added with a smile, her hand cradling Natalia's chin.

"I wouldn't kick you out…"

"I know." Olivia slipped her jacket on and gestured towards the plastic case she had placed on the nightstand again. "Don't forget to sync that up to your phone so you don't cramp up."

"I won't…" Natalia slid out of bed and padded around it toward Olivia, pulling her into a deep hug. "Why do you mean so much to me?"

"I dunno…you mean everything to me."

They stood in the bedroom, locked in a tight hug, resisting the urge to fall back into bed and wait for hunger or a bathroom break to pull them out again. "Natalia…" Olivia breathed, "I've got to go…"

"Ok. I'll walk you down."

They stood on the porch, the mid summer heat cooling down to a tolerable temperature. Olivia squeezed Natalia's hand softly, blowing her a kiss before walking to the car.

"I'll call you." Natalia breathed.

"I know you will."

Emma shoveled the last of her after dinner ice cream into her mouth and beamed at her mom. "Is Natalia feeling better?"

"I think so." Olivia replied, finishing off her own ice cream and taking Emma's bowl from her lap. "What did you do in camp?"

"We made frames and talked about what we're doing for the Fourth of July."

"Oh yeah?"

Emma dug into her backpack and pulled out her popsicle-stick frame. She held it up for Olivia to see. "See. I think I can fit a picture in it."

"I think you could." Olivia nodded.

"We're going to the barbeque right?"

"Yes we are."

"Is Natalia coming too?"

"Yes she is."

"Okay because I said I was going with my family…"

Olivia blushed. "Well, Em, I want to talk to you about that…" Olivia's phone rang. "Hang on Jellybean." She answered the phone and smiled.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better. I promised to call you so I'm calling you…"

"Well, I'm with Emma and I was going to tell her about…"

"Oh…I didn't mean to interrupt…"

"No it's fine can I call you back?"

"You know you can."

"Good."

Olivia hung up the phone and turned to Emma who was watching TV. "Jellybean…" she said, watching her daughter intently. "Bath time."

"I wussed out."

"Wussed out? Why?"

"I just thought that maybe we should both tell her…"

Natalia curled up in bed, her Bluetooth headset blinking in her right ear. "Well. When do you want to tell her?"

"Soon. I just want to be with you…" Olivia slipped her own headset on and sighed as she nestled up in her own bed.

"I know…I'm sorry I haven't been feeling up to it lately. But, we can do it together and everything will be okay."

"Good. Now you're seeing it."

Natalia smiled and yawned. "I'm sorry. I'm so tired."

"It's fine, just, go to sleep."

"Are you going to stay on the phone with me?"

"Don't I always?"

"Yeah you do."

"Natalia. I think you need to rest, calm down and just, breathe. Maybe that's why you're feeling so run down, you're stressed out."

"You don't stress me out."

"Well yeah, but we're not around each other enough…which I can't deal with."

"Neither can I."

"This is why I have to find a way to tell Emma…"

"You're stressing now. Just…go to sleep." Natalia said, snuggling into her bed, pulling the pillow Olivia had slept on closer to her. It smelled just like her. "It's going to be okay."

_It had better be because to be honest, this is just getting sickening already…_Olivia thought as she pulled a pillow into a bear hug.


	4. Stolen

Stolen

I know there's crazy angst going on at the moment (a lot of my stories don't help) so as a means to make up and cheer up some downtrodden Otaliaholics, I figured I'd give a go at an AU one-shot story where instead of ditching The Bauer Barbeque, Natalia shows up and we actually get some happy joy joy times. As usual, the girls, the names and whatnots are property of CBS, Telenext and Proctor & Gamble, I'll be nice and gentle with them. Thanks for listening, thanks for caring. Title is from Dashboard Confessional-Stolen.

Natalia fussed at her reflection in the mirror, determined to get her hair to curl just right. She made a face and checked her wristwatch again, she had plenty of time to make herself presentable but the fact that she was still in her pjs and fussing with her hair made her doubtful on her success. She ran her hands in her hair, shaking out the loose twists she made at her temples, her hair cascading down her shoulders in a jet black curtain. She shook her head slightly, watching the way her hair bounced and realized that despite the July heat, she felt good with her hair like this and she was certain that Olivia wouldn't object to it either. _I really need to stop thinking about her all the time._ She returned to her bedroom and stared at her options as they lay on the bed: Jeans and a t-shirt versus a brightly patterned mid-knee length sundress. She resisted the overwhelming urge to call Olivia and ask her what she was wearing, fearing how loaded a question that was to ask. She blushed as she imagined what scandalous response Olivia would give her, that devilish grin smacked across her face and the heated blush it would inspire in Natalia. Her stomach rumbled and she realized that she needed to eat something. She made her way to the kitchen, her mind weighing the pros and cons of each outfit that lay on her bed.

Olivia's knuckles were white as she gripped the doorframe to the bathroom. She was having a difficult time containing her excitement for what the day held in store for herself, Emma and Natalia. Emma balanced her decorations on top of the Tupperware that was loaded with homemade Rice Krispies as she waited for Olivia to pry herself from the door.

"Why are you so excited? You hate barbeques. You always complain that your feet hurt and the food stinks." Emma quipped, fixing her sneakers.

"I said that? Well it's different this time, how's that?" Olivia replied, her eyebrows raised in amusement. "Okay." Emma replied as she took off for the elevator, the action a physical expression of what Olivia was feeling; she wanted to run to the car, break the speeding limit and pick Natalia up but instead, she collected her jacket and bag, taking deep breaths in the hopes of calming her over-excited heart and dialed Natalia.

"Hey." Olivia said, hoping she sounded casual. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." Natalia sat at the kitchen table, her fork poking at a piece of scrambled egg. "Having breakfast."

"Oh…well, I thought we'd have breakfast together…are…are you still coming to the barbeque? Emma's so excited."

"Makes two of you." Natalia joked, imagining the way Olivia's nose would wrinkle at the cheap shot.

"Aren't you excited? Its summer, it's the fourth of July…it's…our independence day…" Olivia replied optimistically, smiling as she thought of the two of them together, finally.

"I am excited…I guess I'm just a little jittery because it's all so. Soon. So now. It's really happening." Natalia confessed, taking a small bite of toast hoping to calm her suddenly nervous stomach.

"It's just a barbeque. Nothing major, but we're showing up together and that's all that matters…" Olivia replied her tone sobering up. "I'll be there no matter what."

"So will I." Natalia replied, a small smile crossing her lips. "See you then."

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Olivia drove slower than she intended to because if she drove at the speed she _wanted_ to drive, she would've spent the day in jail for speeding. She eased into Rick's driveway and had barely put the car in park when Emma leapt out of the car, bouncing eagerly on her heels.

"Jellybean!" Olivia barked, shutting the car off and watching as Emma loaded her arms with the treats and decorations. "What's gotten into you?"

"Sorry Mom…"

Phillip approached the car, a smile on his face. "If it isn't my two favorite girls." He beamed and gave Emma a hug as Olivia exited the car, slipping her sunglasses on the top of her head.

"Hey you." Olivia replied as she opened up the rear passenger seat and pulled out the decorations and Rice Krispy treats. "Jellybean, c'mere and take this to the table." Emma rounded the back of the car and took the items off Olivia's hands and walked towards the table that sat on the lawn.

"So." Phillip began, his hands shoved into the pockets of his shorts. "How are you?"

Olivia squinted at Phillip curiously. "Why? How do I look?"

Phillip chuckled. "You look great. You're kinda glowing a little bit actually."

"Oh yeah? I put a bronzer on before I got here…" Olivia quipped.

"That's not what I meant, but okay."

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked, crossing towards Phillip, her head cocked to the side.

"Good. Good. Just having some trouble with James but…what's new with the Spaulding men being headstrong?"

"It's gotta be a teenage boy thing…Natalia's having some trouble with Rafe." Olivia said as she leaned against the car, watching Emma playing a game of tag with Bill Lewis and some other kids.

"Did you tell him?" Phillip asked.

"Well, not officially. He kind of saw the two of us being a little closer than he's used to seeing."

"Ah. A surprise eh?"

"Yeah." Olivia nodded, watching as Emma tossed a water balloon at Remy's retreating form. "But today, today is about just being around good people and enjoying each others' company."

"Well. If it means anything, you and Natalia seem to make it work and I don't have an issue with Emma being someplace where she feels loved and taken care of."

Olivia smiled. "Thanks, that means a lot."

Olivia gave Phillip a tight one armed hug and the two of them made their way towards the center of the festivities.

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"It's a tradition, Rafe, c'mon." Daisy implored as she tugged on Rafe's wrist as they walked up the small incline towards the party.

"Yeah, I know, I'm going I'm going…" Rafe grumbled as he and Daisy made their way across the clearing towards the barbeque, the air was heavy with heat and the smell of Rick's cooking.

"You need to cheer up." Daisy remarked, shoving him playfully as they walked.

"I'm fine."

"Yeah, okay."

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Natalia slipped on the sundress and was impressed that she didn't feel as fussy about the outfit as she had felt about her hair. It hugged in the right places and was loose in others; she blushed, she felt very pretty for what felt like the first time in a long time. She dug around for a pair of flat sneakers, figuring that at some point, she might have to high-tail it from Olivia and Emma who could be armed to the teeth with water balloons. She laced up the black low top Converse sneakers and smirked. She looked so paradoxical it was funny; glammed up and dressed down at the same time. She checked her cell phone battery again and frowned when she realized it was still charging. "Maybe it's a good thing." she said out loud to herself. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

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Rafe suppressed the rude comment that was bubbling up in his chest as he and Daisy stood off to the side under a shady tree, drinking Cokes. He watched as Olivia made her way around the barbeque, greeting the other guests and checking up on Emma. He noticed that she was clutching her cell phone in her right hand as she mussed her daughter's hair and gave a warning look at Billy Lewis who clutched two water balloons in his hands. Rafe took a dip swig of his soda and shifted on his feet, leaning against the tree and facing away from the scene.

"Rafe…seriously…what's up with you?" Daisy asked, her brows knit in concern. "You've been glaring at everyone since we got here."

"Daisy, I'm really not in the mood." Rafe grumbled, focusing his energy in digging into the dirt around the tree's root with the toe of his sneaker.

"What's wrong? Where's your mom?" Daisy asked, looking around and seeing that she was nowhere to be found.

"I dunno. She told me she's coming…but…" he shrugged, the last of his sentence lost as he tried to think of a better way to say _that he didn't want to think about his mother and Olivia in the same space at the same time._ "I haven't heard from her so…" his left hand went into the pocket of his khaki shorts, wrapping around the phone. He pulled it out slightly, checking the screen for missed calls. If she called, he didn't really care because he knew she would talk about something he didn't want to hear about right now. "Want a burger?" he asked, changing the subject and shoving the phone back in his pocket before glancing up at Daisy.

"Sure…" she replied with a shrug. They left the tree and crossed the yard towards Rick and his billowing grill.

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Olivia leaned against a tree, her phone cradled in her left hand as she debated whether she wanted to bother Natalia again. After a few moments of contemplation, she decided it wasn't bothering her if she _knew_ that she wanted to pick up the phone. She hit speed dial and waited for Natalia to pick up.

It went to voicemail.

Olivia frowned. "Hey, Natalia it's me, I was just calling to see where you were…I'm here and Emma's here and…we're waiting for you so…I hope to see you soon." she hung up and pressed her fingers to her pursed lips, her mind starting to wander. _Maybe she's backing out…no, she wouldn't. Maybe got held up with something. _She slipped her phone back into her pocket and decided to busy herself with something else.

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Natalia licked her thumb clean, the chocolate frosting tasting sweeter than she wanted it to; Rafe would have to watch himself if he decided to have some of the cupcakes she decided to make. _Assuming he stays long enough for them._ She managed to make two dozen, which was a much smaller amount than she wanted to bring but she needed to do something to relax her nerves so being conscious of the fact that this was going to a big town function was the last thing on her mind. She placed the still slightly frosted spatula in the sink, licking chocolate from her fingertips. She blushed at the idea of Olivia being in the kitchen and helping her clean up.

She left the kitchen and trotted back upstairs to her bedroom to retrieve her phone and bag.

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Olivia was fidgeting with her phone when Bill popped up with a big black bag filled with water balloons. He knelt in the grass a few feet away from Olivia, a devilish grin on his face.

"Hey you!" he greeted. "I didn't see you, I thought Emma made it here on her own."

"I wouldn't be surprised if she had. I drove her." Olivia joked, eyeing Bill warily. "You'd better keep those away from me…" she warned, shifting in her seat in mock horror.

"What? Made of sugar? Ya gonna melt with some water?" he teased, sitting on the grass as he spoke to Olivia.

"No…"

"You look good."

"Aren't you engaged?"

"I am."

"I'm telling Lizzie." Olivia replied with a nod.

"Thanks. I mean that you have a glow around you…it's kinda neat."

"Why's it neat?"

"Well." He shifted closer to Olivia and leaned in conspiratorially a crooked smile on his face. "Because if I remember correctly, you were hung up on someone…I'm guessing they know and you're happy they know." He raised his eyebrow in victory. "Am I right?"

She nudged Bill with the tip of her sneaker. "Jerk."

"I am!" he chuckled. "I'm happy for you, really."

"I'm happy for you, too, Billy."

"Good…because let's face it, we need a little cheer around here." He gave Olivia a wide grin. His face changed as Emma ran up and grabbed a water balloon.

"Emma Spencer DON'T YOU DARE!" Olivia warned, her hands going up in mock defense.

"It's just a little water." Emma replied, holding the water balloon menacingly while smiling at her mother.

"Well, go try it on Billy…" she said, smirking as she watched Bill stand up with his arms outstretched a water balloon in each hand. He gave his best evil villain laugh and imploded the one of the balloons near Emma's head. Olivia jumped back laughing as Emma took off seeking coverage from Bill the Balloon Bandit. The smile never left her lips as she reached impulsively for her phone, checking the time and trying her best not to call Natalia again. She stood up and grabbed a plate of lemonade from the drinks table, determined to make herself as busy as humanly possible until Natalia arrived.

Danny, Michelle and Beth marveled at the new Olivia Spencer that made the rounds with her drink tray loaded with lemonade. Olivia was oblivious as she moved around casually, smiling and taking compliments as they came and trying to suppress the urge to call Natalia for the millionth time. She stood by the pool, debating whether she could balance the tray in one hand and the phone in the other when Rafe ambled over, clutching a cup of soda.

"Hey Rafe…" Olivia greeted, trying to sound as upbeat as possible. "Lemonade?" she offered the tray towards him.

"No…Is my mom coming here? Are you going to be all…"

"Rafe, I don't know where your mother is and no, we're not going to be all…whatever it is you're thinking."

"Because I'm not ready for that I don't…want to see any of that…" he grimaced, the paper cup in his hand nearly crumpling in his grip.

"I understand." _But that line is starting to get VERY old._

Rafe nodded absently before he turned on his heel and left Olivia to stand alone awkwardly by the pool, her mind reeling and heart pounding. _I hope she isn't getting cold feet about this…_She sighed and returned to her self appointed task, doing her best to try not to crack under the weight of worry.

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Natalia secured the cupcakes in the passenger seat and gripped the steering wheel, exhaling through her nose slowly as she made the sign of the cross before closing her door and starting the car. She let it warm up and reached for her cell phone, digging it out of her purse. She scrolled through her contacts and found Olivia's number. She hit talk and waited for Olivia to answer.

"Hey you!" Olivia answered on the second ring.

Natalia blushed. "Hi Olivia…"

"Whoa, don't sound so excited…what're you doing? You're missing all the fun…"

"Oh I know I know, I'm on my way now, I uhm started baking because I didn't want to show up empty handed."

"Natalia, there's plenty of stuff already here…all that's missing is you."

Natalia blushed furiously, a smile crossing her face. "Sweet talker."

"What? Me? Never. Hurry and save me, Billy keeps trying to get me in a wet t-shirt contest" Olivia replied.

"I'll be there soon…"

"Natalia?"

"Mhm."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

Natalia pulled up alongside the Bauer house and shut off the engine. She pressed herself against the back of the driver's seat and reached for the phone as it sat in the cup holder. She quickly wrote a message in the body of the text and hit send. She exhaled heavily, suddenly realizing that maybe she should've gone to church for a quick prayer.

From: Natalia- _Hi. I'm here. I parked alongside the house. I'm nervous. I'm in the car._

Olivia smiled and moved from her safe spot under a large oak tree to walk towards the opposite side of the house. She held her hand up to her mouth and checked her breath against her palm; it didn't smell like anything terrible but it didn't smell appealing either. She pulled out a stick of gum and popped it into her mouth in one smooth motion, casually walking through the party guests. She rounded the pool and trotted down the small hill, eyes eagerly searching for Natalia's car. A broad smile crossed her face as Natalia's door opened and she stuck her head out, waving nervously before sliding back into the seat. _She saw me first._ Olivia beamed, jogging the rest of the way to the car and tapping the passenger side glass eagerly.

Natalia blushed as she moved the cupcakes out of the passenger seat and into her lap, watching Olivia as she climbed into the passenger seat, panting. "Hi!" Olivia exclaimed, her shoulders bunched up in excitement. "I'm so glad you made it!" She leaned across the seat and pulled Natalia into a tight hug. Natalia tried to hug back but her arms were pinned between them, protecting the Tupperware. Olivia released her grip on Natalia and sat sideways in the passenger seat, the smile never leaving her face.

"Hi…" Natalia breathed softly, a shy smile on her face. "How are you?"

"Better. How bout you?"

"Still nervous…" she reached for Olivia's left hand, gripping it tightly in her right. "But, I'm feeling a little braver."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it. Emma's going to be so excited to see you, she's dying to win the three-legged race…" Olivia reached over with her free hand and touched Natalia's cheek softly. "I'm just excited you're here…I thought you weren't going to come."

"I was afraid I wouldn't be able to, to be honest." Natalia admitted. "I wasn't sure if I was ready for this, all of the eyes staring…the whispers."

"Honey, if we can't do this, we don't stand a chance. Besides, everyone's too busy trying to out do each other in every little event Rick has dreamed up that they won't even notice us there." Olivia squeezed Natalia's hand gently. "We only have to be here for each other, okay?"

Natalia nodded, taking a deep breath and gazing out of the windshield for a moment. "Now or never, right?"

"Right. Ready?"

Natalia nodded and let herself out of the car in one smooth motion. Olivia followed suit. She waited as Natalia rounded the front of the car with her hands jammed into the pockets of her black yoga pants. She looked back at the yard, hoping the race hadn't started yet. She smiled to herself. _This is going to be a good day…_

"Can you hang on to this for a second…?" Natalia asked as she tapped Olivia on the shoulder. Olivia turned on her heel and gaped at the sight of Natalia in her sundress and sneakers. Natalia held the Tupperware out to a dumbstruck Olivia who took it wordlessly. "I have to fix my sneaker."

"You look beautiful…" Olivia breathed, watching as Natalia braced her foot against the rear fender of her car, lacing it quickly in the two bunny method.

"Thank you…" Natalia blushed as she straightened out the dress quickly. "I wasn't sure what to wear and it seemed too hot for jeans…"

"It's a good look for you." Olivia beamed, pinching Natalia's chin softly with her thumb and forefinger. "I like the sneakers, nice touch, lets you run like hell when the Lewis boys come lurking around with water balloons."

"I thought you were kidding about that…" Natalia replied.

"It's a barbeque. It's almost a rite of passage to get soaked at one. Now come on before they notice I'm missing and want to make up for all the balloons I've avoided so far." Olivia extended her left arm to Natalia who hooked her right arm through with a smile.

They entered the Bauer barbeque arm in arm.

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"Oh Emma, I'm sorry we came in third!" Natalia apologized again as Emma stuck her straw into her juice box.

"It's okay. We're still winners because we both ran in skirts." Emma replied with a shrug. "And I'm really happy you came."

"That's a good way to look at it…" Olivia replied with a chuckle as she took a bite out of her hamburger.

They had taken up the small space Olivia had managed to stake out with her blanket and sat underneath the oak tree, eating. Natalia sat inches away from Olivia, leaning towards her with her body. Her eyes swept the lawn for signs of anyone whispering and gesturing in their direction but no one paid them any mind. She moved to her next source of concern; Rafe.

"Have you seen Rafe…?" she asked Olivia, her eyes still scanning the lawn.

"He was here but I haven't seen him recently. He was…uh…worried about this." Olivia whispered. "He might still be here since Daisy is still here. They came together."

"They did?" Natalia replied, her shoulders slumping slightly. "What was he upset about…?"

"I guess he thought the worst…he just couldn't handle us holding hands."

Natalia pursed her lips into a tight line, squinting as though she could see beyond her current line of vision. "I'm going to see if he's still here…" she stood up and left Olivia and Emma alone on the blanket to search for Rafe.

****************************************************************  
******************************************************************

"Rafael!" Natalia called, watching Rafe as he, James and Daisy loped off towards the woods. He stopped in his tracks and turned in the direction of the voice. He shook his head at something James said to him before trotting back towards his mother.

"Hi ma…" he said, his hands jammed into his pockets. He leaned over and gave his mother a kiss on the cheek. "When'd you get here."

"Just now." Natalia lied, crossing her arms across her chest. "What're you three planning?" she gestured with her chin at Daisy and James.

"Nothing, just walking around that's all."

"Did you eat?"

"Yeah, I had a coupla hot dogs and a burger…Rick is a lousy cook."

"Rafe."

He laughed. "Sorry ma…"

"I made cupcakes…they might be a little too sweet for you so you might have to cut it in half or something…"

"Ma, I'm not a little kid, I can take care of myself and my sugar okay?"

"You're still always going to be my little boy…"

"Yeah ma, I know." He gave his mother a tight lipped smile, glancing over her shoulder towards the party. "Does Olivia know you're here?"

"Yes she does. I saw her and came to look for you."

Rafe nodded silently, glancing over his shoulder towards Daisy and James who seemed pre-occupied with their own conversation. Natalia took the hint. "Well, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here and if you want a ride home or to Frank's house just…call me or something…"

"Frank's gonna get me or Daisy'll give me a ride, depends on what's going on later. Thanks though."

"Oh, okay…" Natalia replied, her hopes dashed. "Well, be careful please?"

"I will." Rafe nodded.

"Rafe." Natalia said.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"Love you ma." he replied before trotting back towards James and Daisy and resuming their walk.

Natalia watched her son walk off and wiped at her eyes, the first tears to fall in days.

*****************************************************************************  
*******************************************************************************

"Everything alright?" Blake asked as Natalia made her way towards the drinks table and pouring herself a glass of lemonade.

"Yeah just, allergies." Natalia replied with a shrug.

"Did Olivia find you? She was walking in circles like a zombie for hours." Blake said.

"Yeah she found me. Blake?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for…being so understanding…" Natalia offered with a shrug.

"How can I not understand something like love?" Blake replied nonchalantly. "Reminds me of my time in love…"

Natalia nodded, her eyes landing on Olivia as she and Emma sat on the blanket, finishing off the cupcake they were sharing. She smiled as Olivia wiped Emma's cheeks with a red white and blue napkin, pulling faces as Emma laughed. Blake followed her gaze. "Feels good doesn't it?"

Natalia smiled. "Just a little bit…"

Natalia made her way back to the blanket just as Emma peeled off after a cousin for a game of tag. "Miss anything?" she asked as she made herself comfortable on the blanket, her legs tucked underneath her rear.

"You." Olivia answered quickly. "Did you find Rafe?"

"Yeah." Natalia replied, really not wanting to talk about it any further. "He was with James and Daisy. Guess they're not into kids games…"

"Phillip has been having problems with James lately." Olivia said, leaning back on her palms, her legs stretched out in front of her. "I think it's just a Spaulding boy thing."

Natalia smiled. She realized that Olivia's right hand was close to her left. She moved her hand a few inches over, allowing her pinky to overlap on Olivia's pinky and ring fingers. She blushed at the contact immediately. Olivia glanced to her right at Natalia who was busy watching a particularly heated game of horseshoes between Alan and Phillip. Olivia studied Natalia's profile intently, waiting for her to glance to her left and catch her staring. She admired her quietly, watching the way she took in the casual air of their contact along with the sights of the barbeque. Natalia glanced to her left finally, making Olivia's heart stop. "What?"

"I can't look at you?" Olivia replied simply. She shifted onto her elbows and stared back at Natalia with a smirk.

"I never said that…"

"Still feel weird?"

"A little bit…I keep wincing every time Alan moves…I half expect him to come storming over here and start complaining." Natalia replied, missing Olivia's hand already.

"He's got Bill and Lizzie's wedding to whine about, don't worry." Olivia quipped watching the horseshoe game with the same interest Natalia had. They sat in silence, watching the game with mild interest before Olivia broke the silence. "Want to take a walk with me?"

"Now? It's almost dark…" Natalia replied, her mind forked into two thoughts; where Rafe was and what about the bats.

"It's dusk, it's fine, there's still plenty of light and don't worry I won't let the bats get you." Olivia was already standing up and holding her hand out to Natalia. "C'mon. I promise you'll like it."

Natalia groaned and took Olivia's outstretched hand, allowing herself to be pulled up with the momentum. "Okay…" she agreed, checking her phone for any missed calls. "Let me call Rafe just in case he and his friends are roaming around the woods…"

"Alright…" Olivia replied with a nod. She left Natalia to make her phone. Natalia watched as she crossed the lawn in a few quick strides and tapped Phillip on the shoulder, completely ignoring Alan. She frowned when the call went straight to voicemail. She left a message and tried to mask her disappointment as Olivia approached her, hands jammed into her pants pockets.

"Everything alright?" Olivia asked. "Phillip will keep an eye on Emma, but we won't be gone long."

"Yeah. I tried calling Rafe but it went to voicemail…"

"Oh…so…do you not want to go? We can just stay here…" Olivia replied.

"No, it's fine. Let's…let go."

"Are you sure?"

Natalia nodded. "Gotta get a head start on the bats don't we?"

They walked slowly along the dirt path quietly, the sounds of a summer dusk settling in around them. Olivia had slipped off her jacket and held it in her left hand, her right hand 'accidentally' bumping into Natalia's left hand, waiting for her to get a hint and actually hold it. Natalia, meanwhile, was dealing with the goose bumps that were forming on her bare arms. Her left hand bumped into Olivia's right again and she apologized, a blush creeping across her face as slowed her pace. "Are you trying to hold my hand?" she asked, a crooked smile creeping across her face.

"No, I just have very long arms thanks to yoga and they just flop everywhere…" Olivia remarked, playfully poking Natalia's ribs. "Can't control them."

Natalia giggled and dodged Olivia's hands quickly.

"Betcha you're glad you wore those sneakers aren't ya?" Olivia joked, watching Natalia jog a few feet ahead of her and stop in her tracks.

"I wore them to be practical." Natalia shot back. She stuck her leg out as if she were modeling off the snearkers.

"I thought you were wearing them because you were practically running through my mind all day."

"WOW."

"What? Too cheesy?" Olivia asked, feigning hurt feelings.

"Very. Wow." Natalia grinned. "How long have you been sitting on _that_ gem?"

"Oh, really? It's a _gem _now…?" Olivia nodded, jutting out her bottom lip slightly. "I see…I see…" She watched Natalia rub her shoulders and upper arms. "Cold?"

"Little bit. Didn't think the temperature was going to drop this quickly…"

"Mind if I try another _gem?_" Olivia smirked, taking a step towards Natalia, her denim jacket held out between them. She helped Natalia into the jacket, fixing the collar and giving her a smile. "Better?"

"Much better than you saying that I've been '_runnin through your mind'…_thank you." Natalia replied with a smile, shivering as Olivia pulled her closer to her by the lapels of the jacket. She allowed herself to be pulled towards Olivia, watching her intently as her fingers expertly buttoned up the front of the jacket. Deep green eyes met deep brown in a silent exchange and they stood transfixed on the dirt path that wound around a small pond. Lightening bugs flickered around them and in the tress as the sounds of crickets began to fill the air. "I'm really glad I came…" Natalia whispered, drowning in Olivia's eyes.

"So am I." Olivia managed, her hands still firmly gripping the lapels of the jacket, eyes locked on Natalia's.

"It's beautiful out…"

"Mhm."

Natalia suddenly became aware of the fact that Olivia's mouth was inches from hers, their bodies pressed against each other. She felt a flush of color on her cheeks and the warmth spreading throughout her body. The chill was gone and it was replaced with an almost unbearable rush of heat. She watched Olivia's eyes as they roamed her face, her left hand releasing its iron grip on the lapel of the jacket and sliding against her jaw. Natalia's eye lids fluttered at the smoothness of Olivia's palm against her cheek and she tilted her lips into Olivia's skin, kissing the warm palm softly. Olivia's right hand released jacket and framed Natalia's face, holding her head very still.

"I want to kiss you…" Olivia whispered, her eyes burning with a strange mix of confidence and uncertainty. "A real kiss…no ambushing…just…" her right thumb pad brushed Natalia's bottom lip softly, her tongue moistening her own bottom lip. Natalia forgot her mastery of both English and Spanish as she left herself leaning forward towards Olivia, her eyes closing, pulling her into darkness before there was an explosion of electricity.

Their lips met, sending tremors through both of their bodies. Natalia felt the ground beneath her shift as she leaned into Olivia, her arms snaking around Olivia's neck deepening the kiss as Olivia's arms wrapped around Natalia's waist. Olivia's nerves were on fire, suddenly aware of the fact that she had the only thing she really needed in the world reciprocating the thing she had been dreaming about under the stars in the middle of the woods. She shivered as she felt Natalia's body shift into her, their lips never parting, never fighting for control but simply exploring the softness, tasting the sweetness of a first kiss well earned and deserved. She held Natalia's top lip, sucking it for a moment before relinquishing it, feeling as if her body was going to fight for more than just a simple kiss. She pulled away slowly, breathlessly, watching the lights come back up between them.

"Wow…" Natalia breathed, her eyes still closed. When Olivia didn't answer, she slowly opened her eyes to find tears welling in Olivia's eyes. "Wh…what's wrong?"

"Nothing." Olivia replied, letting Natalia wipe the tears from her cheeks. "They're happy tears…"

A small smile crossed Natalia's face as she dabbed at the corners of Olivia's eyes with the sleeve of the jacket. "I'm glad…"

"I'm really glad you showed up…"

"I'm glad I showed up _and_ that that happened…" Natalia replied, cupping Olivia's face in her hands. "Does that count as a first kiss?"

"Well, yeah, unless you like surprise kisses…"

"If you're the one doing it, then it works for me…"

"Ah, so then you _did _like it when I kissed you that day…"

"Did I complain?"

"No, you just kept asking why I kissed you _like that._" Olivia remarked.

"Why _did_ you kiss me like that?"

"Because I wanted to kiss you like this, the way I kissed you now…" Olivia blushed and buried her face in crook of Natalia's neck. "I'm such a dork."

"No you're not…it's sweet…I didn't mind…I don't mind." Natalia replied, her arms wrapping around Olivia's waist and hugging her tightly. "As long as you mean it every time, I won't complain."

"You better not…" Olivia joked. "We should start heading back, it's getting dark and I don't want Emma to get too worried…or sugared up. Did you see her with all the juice boxes? I'm gonna be scraping her off of the ceiling tonight."

Natalia chuckled and allowed herself to be pulled under Olivia's left arm. They walked back to the party, draped around each other.

********************************************************************************

"Did she go to sleep okay?" Natalia asked, tucking the phone between her shoulder and left ear as she prepared herself for bed.

"Oh yeah, sugar crash." Olivia replied as she locked the door and padded towards her bed.

"Hope that wasn't messy."

"Nah, she's a kid, she'll sleep it off."

Natalia giggled as she slipped under the covers. "We still have to tell her."

"I know. One thing at a time…" Olivia replied, sitting on the edge of her bed, switching off her nightlight.

"Oh yeah? What's the one thing we're focused on at the moment?" Natalia asked, propping a pillow between herself and the headboard.

"The kiss."

"Oh, that good?"

"Yes."

Olivia mentally pat herself on the back. "What did you like about it?"

"You meant it. I felt everything you want to tell me but you either can't or don't in that one kiss."

"Really. What did the kiss say?"

Natalia thought for a moment, snuggling into her pillows. "That I've stolen your heart."

"All that in a kiss eh?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's the truth. There's a reason why I chose you and why this feels right." Olivia replied, she held the phone to her ear, pressing it closely. "I'm actually hugging the phone, wishing it was you."

"Ohh…that's cute…"

"I do a lot of cute things apparently."

"You do."

"Well, you're beautiful all the time so I can't keep saying telling you that because you'll have a huge ego so I'm going to keep you modest."

"I see…" Natalia yawned. "I have to give you your jacket back…"

"Yeah you do, my sunglasses are in the pocket. I love them."

"They look good on you."

"Everything looks good on me." Olivia joked, stifling a yawn of her own. "That's contagious…"

"We're gonna have to work on your modesty too…"

"One thing at a time, smarty pants. Your rule, not mine."

"Mhmph." Natalia replied, slowly drifting to sleep.

"Sweet dreams." Olivia whispered, feeling herself falling out.

"Dream sweet."


	5. Under Pressure

Under Pressure

More rambling. Thanks for listening, thanks for caring. Title is from Queen and Bowie classic- Under Pressure.

Her days were always like this. She would wake up, bleary eyed, rejuvenated by a decent night's sleep, her cell phone dead thanks to a late night conversation with Olivia. She would shower, brush her teeth, comb her hair and watch the color that came with the sound of Olivia's voice fade with the realization that she was in a big empty house that was once filled with love. Her hair would loose its sheen almost immediately, replaced with a gray tinge that comes when it rains for weeks on end and the world stops trying to add color to a dreary day. Her eyes always seemed dull and saddened, even if Olivia managed to pull a smile out of her; she always did. Natalia sighed heavily again, finishing her task in front of the bathroom mirror with no flourish. She twisted her hair up into a ponytail; she wasn't looking to impress Blake the way she wanted to impress Olivia. Her heart ached suddenly, a cold pain that seeped under her ribs and wrapped icy fingers around the organ, squeezing it until it chilled her body. She returned to her bedroom and lay in bed, her legs dangling over the edge of the bed while she reminded herself why she quit her job as Olivia's assistant to be Blake's assistant; the independence and the knowledge that they would be together, circumstances meant nothing with that small comfort. She closed her eyes and made the sign of the cross, mentally praying for the strength to make it through the day. When she was finished with her prayer, she opened her eyes and stared at her ceiling, the morning light casting shadows through the trees. She inhaled deeply before exhaling and sitting up in her still unmade bed. She checked on her cell phone as it charged on her pillow. She avoided going to The Beacon for coffee because she always hoped to see Olivia, lose track of time with her and forget the world existed; Company was out of the question for obvious reasons. She tightened her robe around her waist as she made her way downstairs to brew a fresh batch of coffee.

The days leading up to the annual Bauer BBQ only added to Natalia's growing stress. Emma wanted to bake with her and Rafe wanted to constantly make sure Natalia wouldn't show up hand in hand with Olivia. To make matters worse, Father Ray seemed to be hinting at the fact that Natalia was being rather neglectful in her service duties. She felt her shoulders slump as she filled her mug with coffee; it felt like the entire world was on them now. She frowned as she took a sip from the mug, it was bitter. _Serves me right._ She thought to herself, dumping the contents into the sink and washing the mug. She returned upstairs and changed clothes; she'd taken to wearing dark colors and basic black to match her somber mood as of late. She checked her phone for messages.

1 NEW TEXT MESSAGE.

From: Olivia-_Good morning._

The message didn't cheer her up and that scared her.

She checked on Rafe regularly, speaking mostly to Frank even though she knew full well that her son was in the living room, instructing Frank to say otherwise. She left messages for him, knowing he wouldn't return them and on Sundays' she knew that he was either going to the earlier mass or the later mass because he was never there when she was. She considered avoiding church altogether but found that if it wasn't for that hour, her life was almost devoid of peace. Except for the times she was around Olivia. She had grown dependent on her and the thought terrified her; she needed to be around her just to feel sane, she needed to just look at her to feel better and calm the chaos that was surrounding her almost constantly. She felt like her body was in a fog and the source was her overworked head. She had no control over her heart and mind. The comfort she got from Olivia and her presence she wanted to keep locked inside for when it got to be too much but she feared that if she didn't think about it or focus on it, she would lose every last bit of it; losing that was decidedly worse.

*************************************************

_She watched Emma bounce around the kitchen as she worked on her Rice Krispies Treats. She was always so happy in the house. Natalia's heart stopped when her eyes caught Olivia's gaze on her; she wasn't watching Emma dance around the kitchen, her green eyes were focused intently on Natalia's face. Natalia suddenly felt warm and color flooded back to her cheeks as she held Olivia's eyes passionately. Emma was oblivious. Olivia crossed the kitchen from her perch in the doorway towards Natalia as she sat at the kitchen table, supervising the baking process. Olivia's fingers wound around a long lock of hair on Natalia's left shoulder, the tips brushed against Natalia's skin, sending shivers down her spine. Natalia burned to press her lips against Olivia's hand, to grab onto her and breathe her into her lungs until she couldn't breathe in any other scent but her. _

_"She's really excited about the Bauer barbeque. To be honest, so am I." Olivia whispered conspiratorially into Natalia's ear, her breath warming her skin. Natalia watched as Olivia's hand darted over her shoulder and plucked a marshmallow from the bag. _

_"I'm glad…" Natalia managed, watching as Olivia crossed in front of her and popped the marshmallow into her mouth. She gave a Cheshire cat smile as she chewed. _

_"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" the back of Olivia's hand pressed against Natalia's cheek and forehead again, checking for a temperature. _

_"I'm tired, that's all." Natalia replied with a sigh. "I think it's the heat."_

_"Well, did you turn up the thermostat? Maybe I should call Josh to take a look at the heating system in here…"_

_"No no don't do that." Natalia replied. "Really, I'm okay." She flashed a smile; it felt strange to smile but it felt so natural around Olivia._

_Olivia gave her a warning look before reaching out her right hand and cupping Natalia's chin. "Just making sure." She tapped Natalia's nose gently._

_Natalia was certain that Olivia had some idea of what it was that she did to her and in this moment she was happy, elated, overjoyed and so in love. _

_"I don't know much about family but, I want this, I want it for us." Olivia said, innocently, her eyes darting everywhere before flicking to Natalia's eyes and moving around again. She was nervous and Natalia knew it._

_"So do I." Natalia replied with a nod. She melted as Olivia blew her a kiss before leaving the house. She wanted so badly to physically return the kiss but the weight on her shoulders shifted again, pulling her down into the muck and all she could was imagine the heat behind the phantom kiss._

She was focused, her eyes narrowed, hands busy, mind sharp

like a tack but there was an imaginary buzzing in her ear, a gnat moving through the great fog that was filling her head causing her to lose track of what she was doing. She looked up at Blake who's face was the picture of confusion before she exhaled, closed her eyes and asked "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?" for what felt like the millionth time. Blake gave her a courteous smile before pouring Natalia a glass of water and handing it to her.

"Natalia, honey, you don't look so good…" Blake said, sitting across from Natalia her lips pursed in concern. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes…I'm sorry…" Natalia mumbled into the cold glass, her eyes still closed.

"You're still not feeling 100 percent." Blake intoned, her hands pooled into her lap.

"I'm fine, I'm just a little overwhelmed."

"With what? I hope it's not this…"

"No…" Natalia's worried eyes scanned the books that lay in a pile between them, her notes scribbled haphazardly on the notepad next to the pile. Her eyebrows knit together in concern, _I think I'm really starting to fall apart._ "I'm…distracted…I'm sorry. I know my personal life shouldn't impact my professional life. I apologize."

"Don't be silly. You can't keep things like that in, Natalia. Talk to me, please." Blake said, her hand resting on Natalia's shoulder.

"It's not the right time…or place…it never is." Natalia groaned, finishing the water and trying not to slam the empty glass on the table in frustration.

"Is this about Olivia?"

A guilty look crossed Natalia's dark features. "Yes."

"What about Olivia?" Blake egged on.

The left corner of Natalia's mouth tweaked into a frown a dimple imbedding in her cheek. "We're…I'm…nervous about our relationship. She wants to make it public at the barbeque and I'm all for it, I'm tired of waiting and relying on phone calls and text messages but…there's just _so much_ piling up. Rafe…Rafe refuses to speak to me, or look me in the eyes he doesn't even want to hear me out and it kills me to know that he doesn't care that I'm happy." She whispered the last part of the sentence, her eyes drilling a hole into the table, avoiding Blake's concerned eyes.

"Are you happy…?" Blake asked, watching Natalia blink furiously in an attempt to fight back tears.

"I am." Natalia looked up finally. "And it terrifies me that I have to pick between my son and Olivia."

"You don't have to do that, Natalia." Blake said, pouring more water for Natalia. "Why do you think you have to?"

"Because…it's not possible to have both."

"Both what?"

Natalia's eyes fell to her hands as they sat in her lap she fidgeted with her cuticles to avoid eye contact. "Both my son and Olivia. I know it's impossible."

Blake shook her head. "Natalia, not everything worth having comes easily…"

Natalia let out a snort. "I know that. I knew that the moment I told her what…how I feel. The moment it came out of my mouth I knew that it was something I couldn't take back. I wouldn't take it back."

"But if you could? If it meant this would be easier…?"

Natalia wiped at the corners of her eyes, her lips pressed together in a hard line. "I would still choose her."

Blake rocked in her seat, blown away by Natalia's honesty. She let out a low whistle and rubbed her palms into her knees. _I NEED to get the rights to a story like this sometime._ She mused as she moved the books off of the table so she could rest her elbows on it. "Why do you think it's impossible? You've made your choice…"

Natalia took a deep breath and reached for the glass of water. She drained the cup. "I want my son to be home with me. To be in the home that…that…I made with Olivia…" she choked on her words. "It's all my fault. If I had just been honest and told him from the start what was going on between Olivia and I…but I didn't even know it just sort of _happened_. One minute we're enemies, then we're friends, then we're roommates and now…now…" her mind groped for the words. _I don't even know what we are. Are we dating? Are we together? Are we lovers?_ "Now it just feels like everything loses it's meaning if I'm not around her."

"Wow, you're in deep."

"Deep isn't the word…I'm in love with her, Blake. If I can't have that…that happiness in my life…"

"Because your son doesn't get it? Natalia, kids…well…kids are always going to want one thing for their parents because they forget that their parents have feelings and needs. He doesn't want _this _for you because you were going to marry Frank and I'm sure that you and Olivia being the reason you and Frank didn't happen doesn't sit well with him and his views on who you are."

Natalia's stomach lurched at the mention of Frank. "I know…he said about that much to me…" she stood up and crossed towards the water decanter, filling it up and drinking it just as quickly. "I know he doesn't get that I'm happy with Olivia and I know that he's scared because this is new I'm _terrified_ because I don't know what happens next…"

"I think…" Blake started, her hands pressed together. "I think you need to get out of here."

"What?" Natalia stammered.

"You need to get yourself out of here." Blake replied, her head nodding with the idea as it bubbled up in her mind. "You need to de-stress and come back with a fresh mind."

"I tried that remember? At the spa…" Natalia's mind drifted to her time with Olivia.

"I'm pretty sure you were distracted with Olivia around." Blake joked. "In all seriousness, Natalia, I think you need to just, go. Just get out of here and go somewhere else for awhile just to sort out your thoughts, your feelings and get yourself in a place where you feel the most centered. It's the only way to get your words and feelings out the right way."

Natalia thought about this for a moment, mulling over what it would mean to leave Olivia behind. _Could I live without seeing her face, or hearing her voice for days?_ "What would I tell Olivia…?"

"If it were me? I wouldn't tell anyone anything. Just go."

"I can't just run away…"

"It's not running." Blake replied, standing up. "Please, Natalia. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're in a terrible state."

Natalia nodded absently, her bottom lip held between her teeth as she thought about Blake's suggestion. _I can't run away. It's not running if I need to just, stop the world. _"I'm…going to go if it's okay."

"Honey, take all the time you need. You've done enough here that I think I can function on my own for awhile. Just please, try and calm yourself down, okay?" Blake replied, pulling Natalia into a tight hug. "Just know that whatever you do, you're going to do it with your heart and it's going to be the right thing."

****************************************************

She couldn't breathe. She was certain that her heart would stop beating in her chest and she would cease to be exactly where she stood. Father Ray had given mirror advice to her but unlike Blake's well meaning action and comments, Ray's advice came loaded with ominous intentions. He sounded as though it pained him to advise her on a matter of the heart that almost certainly meant life or death for her. No matter what she said, no matter how much conviction was in her heart she knew that he would never get it and she left without saying anything else to him because she feared that her mouth would start going and he would know just how much influence Olivia had on her. She drove slowly, while trying to fight off the crying jags as her car wound the road towards the farmhouse. Turning off the engine, she sat in the car and slumped forward, her forehead pressed against the steering wheel as a sob escaped her lips.

She had to stop packing twice because she was blinded by tears. She was certain that most of the things she packed were mismatched and a third of them were things she didn't need. She stopped packing long enough to call Blake and ask for a ride; she couldn't see herself getting far under a near constant haze of tears. She made sure the gas was off and that anything that could potentially spark a fire was unplugged. She packed her cell phone charger last, knowing that if she needed to get in contact with anyone, she would have a fresh battery to do it. Her voicemail icon blinked as a new message came in; so far she had five. _They have to be from Olivia._ She felt a pang in her ribs again. _This is what's best. I need to breathe, to think. I feel like everything is happening at once._ _I hate lying to her but I can't tell her the truth, how can I? How can I say 'Olivia, I love you but I'm suffocating under the weight of having to give everyone what they want and not knowing what I want' and watch her world implode. Watch my world implode. _She hadn't realized that she started crying again when Blake pulled up and grabbed her bags. She glanced over her shoulder, taking one last look at the house as the Blake drove. She curled up in the backseat of the car, her phone vibrating in her lap as Olivia left another message for her.


	6. Gone

Gone

Olivia tries to cope with Natalia's disappearance, the lack of answers and the secrets others are keeping from her. I STILL don't like the pregnant storyline, so I'm sticking with the nervous breakdown because that makes more sense than what's been going on, but that's just my opinion. If you're gonna mimic, give some credit. The characters belong to P&G, Telenext & CBS, I'm just borrowing them because I figured it'd be fun for awhile, I'll put them back don't worry. Thanks for listening, thanks for caring. Title is from Nsync-Gone.

She sat on the stoop until her rear was numb but still didn't get up from her seated position on the front stoop of Natalia's house. Her palms were slick with tears but she removed to move her hands away from her face, fearing that the small dam she built with her hands to ebb the tears would allow them to fall harder. She rubbed at her eyes with her knuckles, creating bright white spots behind her lids. She sniffed and realized that she needed a tissue. Or an entire box. Olivia turned on her rear and looked at her purse as it lay on the porch, the contents spilled out, her phone managing to stay inside and the notebook she had been writing in lay just at the foot of the front door. She groaned at the thought of having to get that close to the house and knowing that the person who lived there wasn't there. She let out a sharp breath and stood up, wiping her rear and picking up her things from the floor. She reached the notebook last and tried to read through her tear streaked handwriting. _I don't even know what I was trying to say,_ she thought as she tore out the page and crumpled it in her hand and shoved the notebook back into her purse. _I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to wait? Hope that she's coming back? Maybe she just went on a trip…maybe something happened back in Chicago and she just _left…She stared at the front door as if it could read her mind and answer the questions that were buzzing around in her head. _Where are you…?_

Olivia finished the last of her white wine somberly, the last drops touching her lips like teardrops. She placed the glass on the nightstand, staring at the TV as it stared back on mute, the images flickering on screen. It was dark in the bedroom, save for the TV and quiet; Emma was at a friends house for a sleepover. She was glad as soon as the opportunity arose and sent Emma off. She couldn't deal with the constant questions Emma had because they were the same questions she was asking; where was Natalia? Why didn't she come to the barbecue? Why didn't she tell anyone where she was going?_ She did. She told Father Ray and Blake. _She thought bitterly, reaching for the wine glass and remembering that it was empty, dropped her hand. She rubbed at her already bloodshot eyes, the stinging bringing more tears as she tried to remember what she'd said to Natalia. She ran through their last phone call, the last time she heard her voice, the last time she saw her face. Olivia's eyes began to water immediately, tears of sadness and frustration spilling from them, streaking her cheeks and plopping on her t-shirt. _This HAS to be one of the seven rings of Hell Natalia believes in. _Her right hand rested on her chest, her fingertips rubbing absently along the faint transplant scar as she tried to rub out the pain she was in. She tried to calm herself down, her heart beat was erratic, her breathing ragged. She doubled over; clutching her pillow tight as she let the fresh wave of sobs wrack through her body. The tears slowed down and she tried to calm herself, she gasped as she took in ragged breaths, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. Her heart thudded on against her ribs causing her to panic because she couldn't calm herself down. She was afraid she was going to have a heart attack and even if the benefits of such a trauma meant it would bring Natalia back, she didn't want to risk an evening in the hospital. _I wouldn't be able to explain to everyone why I suddenly passed out…but I'll try anything at this point._ She sighed heavily again, hoping the action would dislodge some of the weight that was bearing heavily on her shoulders. She used the collar of her t-shirt to sop up some of the tears that soaked her cheeks with her left hand while reaching for her cell phone as it sat on her right. She automatically hit re-dial on Natalia's number.

It went to voicemail.

Her eyes closed in defeat, a sigh escaping her lips as Natalia's voice asked that she leave her name, number and a brief message and she'd call her back. _Yeah. Sure._ Olivia bit her bottom lip, trying to calm herself down before the beep. "Hey…Natalia." she began calmly, her voice tight. "I haven't heard from you and I'm really starting to panic. So, please…just…call me. Send me a message something…I miss you so much." She hung up just as another sob tore itself from her throat. She felt exhaustion settle onto her shoulders, seep into her bones, weighing her down and making her feel worse than she already felt. She groaned and rolled onto her right side, her phone still clutched in her hand, hoping sleep would take her before more sadness did.

She woke up at four in the morning, her bladder screaming at her to wake up before it did something to embarrass her. She scrambled out of bed and managed to make it to the bathroom before she had an accident. "Why couldn't I just wake up to puke?" she grumbled, washing her hands and staring at her tousled reflection in the mirror. She was a mess. _And it's only been a day._ She splashed water on her face and it trickle down, the water following the frown lines. She groaned again and dried herself off before shutting off the light and crawling back under the covers. She reached for the TV remote and started flipping through channels, hoping something was boring enough to catch her attention and lull her back to sleep.

_It's only been a day._ She repeated to herself as she stared absently at the TV, her thumb automatically hitting up and shifting channels. _Frank doesn't get it. He still thinks it's some sort of mistake and that she's a stranger to me. I don't know Natalia. He doesn't know her, he never knew her that's what makes this, makes us different._ She suddenly wished she had said that to him in person instead of fumbling over her words and trying to hide the massive hysteria she was spiraling into. "_She has to be missing 24 hours, a full day"._ His voice filled her head and she flinched at the sound of his baritone echoing in her skull. _She's missing, I didn't see her all day and I'm used to seeing her all day and speaking to her regularly and having done little to none of those things in the past day is enough for me to declare her missing, Frankie._ Her thoughts were interruptedand her attention was drawn to an old episode of Case Files. Her heart began to race as the narrator said "left without saying a word." Olivia ferreted through the covers looking for her cell phone and upon finding it, immediately hit re-dial.

Natalia's voicemail answered.

"Damnit." Olivia grumbled as the voicemail that used to cheer her up now mocked her. 'Leave a brief message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can' Olivia's eyes were shut tight as she spoke. "Natalia, okay, this…this is just ridiculous already. I'm freaking out, you haven't spoken to me, you…you told _Blake_ not to say anything to me, which by the way she did and you asked Father Ray not to say where you are. Please. This isn't fair…I don't know what I did or what I said and if I did or said anything to upset or hurt you…I'm sorry…I just…I just need to know you're alright…" she hung up and fought the urge to hurl the phone across the room. Instead, she held it in her lap, fresh tears welling up. "Does it _ever_ stop?!" she exclaimed, wiping her face on her shirt again. _The body is only 98% water and I've been drinking I'm pretty sure that I'm going to dehydrate at any second._ An image of her dehydrated corpse found in bed surrounded by empty wine bottles and tissue popped into her head. She laughed at the morbidity of the situation. _There is nothing funny about being found dead in your bed, surrounded by snot rags and wine glasses. _She chastised herself for laughing at the idea and exhaled slowly, the tears stopping for now. _That's it, Olivia. Just. Think. Think. Think. Think. Where would she have gone? Ray said something about a retreat but there have to be dozens of religious retreats in this area alone…let alone between here and Chicago. Maybe she stayed somewhere close by…maybe she's still here…_She yawned. She leaned back in bed and rolled onto her right side, clutching the phone in her left hand again and pulling a pillow close to her. She tried to focus on the moments she had with Natalia, thinking about the way she seemed. _She was distant, like she was pre-occupied with something and just didn't or couldn't tell me._ Natalia's face popped into her mind, the image on her closed eyelids and she gasped for a moment at how clearly she pictured her. _She was sad._ Olivia remembered how distracted she was, how drained she seemed and worst of all, how hard it seemed for her when she smiled, like it was forced. She groaned again, her face buried in the pillow. _I did this. She left because of me._

With that realization, Olivia started crying all over again.

******************************************

She wasn't even going to attempt to look decent this morning. Her face was swollen, eyes puffy and her nose was raw. Her lungs ached whenever she took a breath, her stomach was in knots from late night drinking and her lips were chapped. Olivia Spencer looked as if she had survived a natural disaster and wasn't certain if she was all the better or all the worse for it. She stared her reflection down in the mirror as she brushed her teeth, watching the foam from the toothpaste as she mechanically brushed back and forth and back and forth; Emma and her dentist would be very displeased with her technique. She spat, half expecting her agitated insides to follow suit and rinsed her mouth out. Impressed that internal organs remained internal, she washed her face and tried to focus on the itinerary for the day. _I'm going to clean myself up, clean up the apartment, go to Towers and get sloppy drunk._ She laughed grimly. She had no idea where to start or what to do or if there was anything she could do…She had already gotten Frank to put out a missing persons report on Natalia which means that all she really had left to do was sit and wait. She hated that idea. She left the bathroom and sat on the edge of her bed, staring at her phone as it sat charging on the night stand. She frowned at the device as it sat, quiet on her pillow. "Stupid thing." She grunted and pushed herself off the bed and began to pace, working over a plan of action in her head that made sense, kept her busy and most of all got her answers.

She reached for the house phone and dialed Jane.

"Hey Jane? Hi, it's Olivia, listen, can you pick up Emma from her friend Emily's house? Yeah, just…," she thought of something for the two of them to do. "Hang out with her. I'm swamped with work at the moment and I really can't take a break. Okay? Great. Thanks." She hung up and stared at the bed again, it was calling to her. 'Come and hide from the world for hours on end…' She bit her lip, thinking about the invisible and hallucinated invitation before reaching for her cell phone, purse and heading out.

*****************************************************

Frank wasn't answering his phone. "What is it _spreading!?_" Olivia snapped as she pulled into the parking lot of the Springfield police precinct. She killed the engine, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the car. When she entered, she found Frank standing at the coffee maker, staring at a folder.

"Hey…Frank…" she said hoping she sounded as casual as possible.

"Hi Olivia." Frank replied curtly, closing the folder and giving her a tight lipped smile. "Coffee?" he held up his SPD mug.

"Have you heard anything?" Olivia interjected, ignoring his offer.

"No…I haven't." Frank replied, taking the hint and stepping towards his desk, Olivia followed on his heels. She sat in the chair next to the door. "I told you, we're doing everything we can but right now we're swamped. Jeffery is still missing and…"

"Jeffery is missing? What do you mean, _Jeffery_ is missing?" Olivia replied. "Is _everybody_ in this town just up and leaving?"

"Olivia…will you calm down?" Frank urged, reaching for Olivia's wrist. Olivia glared at Frank's hand but held her tongue. He got the hint and released his grip. "He's a suspect in Edmund's murder. We had some information that says he's in Bosnia but…it's gotten pretty heated over there and now we have no idea what happened. He and Dinah left to see if they could smoke out Edmund because Jeffery thinks that Edmund is still alive. So I have a hysterical Reva and Shayne to deal with on top of you so I'm up to my elbows in distressed people right now."

"I'm sorry Frank…it's…it's just not like her." Olivia answered her voice almost a whisper. "I didn't know Jeffery was…" she shuttered to think.

"I know. Now, can you think of any places Natalia would've gone?"

Olivia shrugged. "A religious retreat is my best guess…or at least that's what Father Ray told me."

Frank nodded and exhaled though his nose. He brought his elbows up onto the desktop rested his chin on the tops of his threaded fingers together. He stared ahead for a moment before glancing to right at Olivia, who was trying to keep her cool. "Olivia, there's a lot going on in this small town and it's all very overwhelming but I've learned a few things in my time as an officer and one of the things I've learned is that patience is a serious virtue and patience coupled with faith tends to make the worse things in your life seem a little easier as long as you remind yourself that this isn't going to be forever, the things that bother you the most…"

_Did you get that Zen philosophy from a box of Lipton Green tea?_ "Frank…"

"No, listen. I know this is…difficult but…think…Reva doesn't know what happened to Jeffery. Shayne has no idea what Dinah was thinking going with him, especially after Jeffery was ruled as a lead suspect. You could be in there situation, where you just don't know what happened…"

"Frank. I _am_ in that situation." Olivia interjected. "Natalia left and didn't tell me, you or or _Rafe_ where she was going. I _am_ in their situation because I don't know what happened, what she's thinking, where she is or why she left. Thinking about the Zen side of life isn't going to make it any easier."

Frank stared at Olivia for a moment, his mouth in a hard line, jaw muscles flexing before he spoke. "Did you ever think that maybe she left because she just couldn't handle you?"

Olivia's heart smashed. Whether he knew it or not, he had just hit her in the place that hurt the most. She swallowed the hard lump that formed in her throat and stood up. "Just let me know if you hear anything." she replied curtly and left.

She managed to make it into the car before breaking down again, her forehead pressed against the steering wheel as her sobs filled the car. She wasn't sure what had upset her worse, Frank's nonchalant attitude towards the situation or his too close to home comment. Between ragged sobs, she decided that it was combination of both his disposition and his comment and that didn't make it any better. She leaned back in the seat and thought about calling Phillip again for a ride but realized that that was selfish, he had his own problems to deal with…_Frank is right, everyone is too busy for you Olivia._ She opened up the glove compartment and rifled through it for small packet of Kleenex she kept there. She let her salty tears dry on her face as she blew her nose, the occasional hiccup breath interrupting her. She looked at her reflection in the rear view mirror, her eyes were bloodshot again and the rims of her eyelids were puffy. She sighed and swallowed hard. Her throat felt raw. She leaned into the seat, her hands sitting limply in her lap, staring out of the windshield at the traffic as it drove along. _Everyone is too busy for you Olivia._ She reached for her phone again, hit message and wrote to Natalia.

_I don't know where you are. I hope you're alright. I love you and I miss you._

She hit send and clenched the phone tightly in her grip, knuckles going white with effort. It didn't budge. She let out an exasperated sigh and tossed it onto the passenger seat. She turned the car on and peeled out of the parking lot.

She drove to the park, the rationale being that maybe she would get a hint to Natalia's whereabouts in the places they used to go. She parked and walked along the path, seeing traces of their time together everywhere like ghosts. _This was a terrible idea._ She stopped at the lake for a moment. Directly across from where she stood was the gazebo where she, Emma and Natalia had planted flowers as part of Emma's project. Natalia had surprised them both by showing up after getting her job with Blake. She was smiling then, excited, confident, buoyant and ready to take on the world with Olivia by her side. Olivia's hand tingled, her body remembering where she'd touched Natalia that day; they held hands, held on tightly, her fingers brushed her lips. _I should've kissed her then._ It felt like a lifetime ago. It was the same gazebo they had been standing in during the wedding that wasn't, when Natalia said those three small words. _I love you._ Natalia's voice echoed faintly in her head, drawing a sharp intake of breath from Olivia. _But where are you?_ She whispered back. She frowned and kicked a nearby pebble with the toe of her shoe into the water. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the pain that was slowly building again in her ribs, sending shooting pains into her skull and down her back. She was in physical agony. _She had to know what this was going to do to me. She has to know she's going to kill me._

Olivia clenched her jaw and turned on her heel, leaving the park altogether and returning to the car.

She called Jane again and asked to be put on the phone with Emma. She figured that she'd started one lie, she could just keep the ball rolling. She told Emma that she could spend the night at Jane's house seeing as there was no camp the next day. She would make up for the time they missed as soon as she dug herself out of the massive pile of paperwork that had mysteriously formed on her desk. She hung up the phone and sighed as she sat in the car. She had never felt this helpless before. She felt utterly useless for the first time since she had gotten her transplant and…Natalia had helped her back on her feet…she shook her head. _How deeply, how _badly_ has this girl gotten under my skin? She had no business helping me, for God's sake I tried to get between her and Gus…I was ruining her life and when her life was ruined with his death she goes right around and starts trying to save mine. She saved me. She put up with me, she took care of me, she let me into her world, live in her home…be a part of her life and now…now she's gone…she's gone and it's my fault. _She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, debating her next move. She could drive until she ran out of gas but that could leave her in the middle of nowhere on top of having no answers and a heart full of sadness. _I have to do something._ _I have to…she's somewhere and I…I'm here Feeling sorry for myself, drowning in misery. _She turned the car on and pulled out of the parking space, her mind mulling through different options before settling on one last place before she returned home to the bottle of Jim Beam she stashed in the cabinet.

***********************************  
***********************************

Father Ray locked closed the front doors to the church and pocketed the key. He whistled a nameless tune probably a hymn Olivia didn't know the name to as he turned and strode down the steps. He was startled seeing Olivia sitting at the foot of the railing, her purse in her lap as she stared up at him.

"I thought the church was always open." Olivia said grimly, standing up in her spot and dusting off her rear.

"It is, but I have to safe guard a few things inside." He replied with a chuckle. "How are you?"

"How do I look?" Olivia asked, her head cocked to the right, her tone condescending. "Look, Ray, I know she told you not to tell me where she is but…"

"Olivia…"

"I _need_ to know she's safe."

"She is, believe me. She needs time to reflect and pray on the things that were troubling her…You have to understand that at least."

_I understand entirely too much._ "Yes, but you have to see where I'm coming from…she's never done this…just disappeared without saying anything to anyone about where she was going or why she was leaving…Does Rafe know?"

Father Ray's jaw clenched. "I'm sure she told him something about her whereabouts. But Olivia, please, trust me, you don't need to worry. When she's ready, she'll come back and she'll be ready to answer whatever questions you have."

"But how long will that take?"

"However long she needs."

They stared at each other silently for a moment, Olivia's eyes trying to catch Ray in a lie. _When has a priest lied?_ She averted her gaze and bit her lip. "Can you at least tell me where she could've gone?"

"That would be the same as telling you. She's on a retreat, that's all I'm allowed to tell you."

"Allowed?" Olivia barked. "All you're _allowed_ to tell me?! Wh…well is she speaking to you at least? Have you heard from her?"

"No. I haven't. I don't know if she would call me for anything to be honest." He reached out and held Olivia's shoulders, giving her a gentle squeeze. "And if she did, it would more than likely be for me to know. I can't violate that sanctity of our conversation."

"No, of course you can't" Olivia replied, exhaling her frustration through her teeth. "If you _do_ hear from her, would you please tell her to call me…?"

"If she does, I will." Ray answered with a nod. "Is there anything else I can help you with…?"

"No…" Olivia exasperatedly turned on her heel and left Father Ray alone on the church steps. _You've done enough._

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Olivia contemplated stopping at Farley's or Towers but the fear that she might have to call for a ride back home to the Beacon because she'd tied on one, cried herself silly and thrown up everywhere made her wince and she returned, sober, to her apartment. She resisted the temptation to call Natalia's phone again, fearing that she had already filled up the inbox with her messages. She couldn't bear to hear the automated robotic female voice that would tell her 'Sorry, this mailbox is full' because just hearing Natalia's pre-recorded excuse as to why she missed this call comforted her in its strange way; she could feel her smile through the phone, a smile she missed on a face she loved. _And it's only been a day._

She changed out of her jeans and t-shirt back into her sweats and a fresh t-shirt before climbing into the center of her unmade bed and turning the TV on. She watched the news for a moment, remembering that Dinah was somewhere with Jeffery and she caught herself saying a prayer for both of them. She thought of Reva and as much as she didn't want to EVER admit it, she felt for her and hoped that Jeffery came back to her and was innocent of whatever it is he was framed for. It suddenly dawned on her that she had no idea how much she'd missed, she was so wrapped up in Natalia and their own little world that she had no idea that there was more to Edmund's murder than just seeing Reva arguing with him. _Maybe that's what they mean about love making you blind, you don't see the world just the person in your world. When they're gone…then you realize that the world kept going on without the two of you and suddenly it's too real and too raw and too big for you to really face alone._ Her right thumb found its way towards her mouth, her teeth holding it at the tip as she thought. _If she went to a religious retreat, it shouldn't be too hard to find which one…there might be dozens of them but they'd have to be booked in advance right? You can't just pop into any one and ask for salvation…or could you? You probably could…_She reached for her cell phone and scrolled through her contacts list for a moment, trying to think of who had a worthwhile brain to pick and frowning when she found that she really didn't have very many people to ask their opinion on the matter. She felt an old wound sting again. _See that, Olivia, you've managed to piss off enough people that they wouldn't help you in your time of need. Good job._ She rolled her eyes. "C'mon Spencer, think. You can run a hotel, you can make friends, and you can figure something out here." she said out loud, her voice startling her for a moment.

_Doris._

If anybody had a clue as to where a religious retreat would be happening anywhere near Springfield, it would be Doris. Olivia suddenly winced at the thought of calling in a favor from Doris. _Fine, she won't tell anyone about me and Natalia but that doesn't mean she won't try to lord an 'I told you so' over my head. She'll probably tell me that she got cold feet and ran because I just didn't do the right thing, sit the kids down and tell them the truth. Then again, she really shouldn't be running her mouth. I don't have any other options. Yes I do, I'm just being lazy._ Olivia stared at Doris' number as it stared back at her from the screen. Her tongue ran along the inside of her left cheek, her head nodding slightly from left to right. _No. No. I'm gonna wait. I just need to get this desperation out of my system first. What desperation? I'm fine I just need to find out why Natalia left…I have to find her, get the answers and that'll be it._ She returned to the main menu of her phone and sighed. She reached for the remote as it lay next to her, forgotten in the mess of blankets and flipped through channels again.

************************************  
********************************

The ice tinkled against the glass as Olivia poured herself another round of whiskey. She hadn't planned on getting loaded but seeing as this was as good a time as any, caution was thrown to the wind and she toasted her reflection in the mirror for the fifth time before taking a sip. She slipped back into bed, careful with her glass and burped as she reached for her cell phone again, checking the time and for missed calls. "Nobody loves you." she said simply, dropping the phone next to her and staring at the TV as it started back with it's volume low on a talk show. She plucked a French fry from the tray she had ordered from the kitchen and munched on it mechanically; they didn't taste like anything. She took another sip of her drink and remembered the last time she had had Jim Beam like this. Natalia and Frank were planning their wedding, the wedding she had pushed Natalia into because she was fighting her feelings and she needed to de-stress. She spent the evening with Shayne and Edmund, drinking and playing video games. She smiled at the memory for the good times and not for the reason she had been drinking; Natalia was breaking her heart. A hot tear slid down Olivia's cheek. She braced herself for the waterworks but found that she just couldn't cry anymore, she felt numb and cold and abandoned. She felt…dead. A chill ran down her spine and she reached for her cell phone again and dialed Doris.

"Hello?" Doris' voice was raspy.

"Hey…uh…Hi, it's Olivia…"

"I gathered."

"Sorry. Were you sleeping?" Olivia shoveled a fistful of fries in her mouth, hoping that she wasn't slurring her words.

"No, I wasn't."

Olivia was losing her nerve fast. "Natalia is gone."

"What do you mean she's gone?" Doris sat up in her seat.

"She…she left. She…was supposed to come with me to the barbecue, remember? Well, I was calling her all day and she never showed and then Blake comes up to me and said something about her not wanting to see me…Then Father Ray said that she was on a religious retreat but that was all he was _allowed_ to tell me on Natalia's orders, can you believe that?"

Doris shook her head no and realized that Olivia couldn't see her. "No, I can't."

"I'm thinking the worst possible thoughts and I don't know what to do…I think I'm going nuts."

"No, no you're not going nuts. Where are you?"

"I'm home…at…at The Beacon…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you it's just…it's…I don't have anyone I can talk to and…"

"I understand. Do you want to meet somewhere to talk?"

Olivia faltered. "No, no it's okay…I…God…Doris what am I going to do? I just keep thinking I said something stupid and that scared her or I did something and that made her nervous. I keep thinking that maybe I put way too much pressure on her to go to the barbeque with me and between me and Rafe's problems with us, it just pushed her over the edge…but for her to _leave_ like that. It doesn't make sense." Her words were spilling out of her a mile a minute and for a brief moment, she feared she had said too much. "I'm sorry…"

"No, don't be. You're right, it doesn't sound anything like Natalia to just leave like that. And Ray said she was at a religious retreat?"

"Yeah, problem is, he didn't say which one or where. I think he doesn't even know."

"Well. If you'd like, you can swing by my office tomorrow and we'll go through some of the permits for the woods. Sometimes retreats will use the campsites in the surrounding area and if they do, they have to clear it through the office."

"That's what I was thinking…Thank you, Doris."

"Don't thank me just yet. Try and get some rest, ok? You sound exhausted. We can play Nancy Drew tomorrow."

Olivia let out a small guffaw. "Alright…thanks for listening Doris."

"I'd be a terrible mayor if I didn't listen to the people…worse if I didn't listen to a friend. Good night."

"Good night."

It felt strange talking to someone who wasn't Natalia this late at night. She pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes, causing white dots to dance around behind her eyelids. She needed to sleep. She downed the rest of the whiskey and stood up to put the empty glass back on the liquor table to wash in the morning. She entered the bathroom and followed her night ritual. She switched the bathroom light off, turned the TV off and crawled back into bed, pulling a pillow into her arms again. She picked up on her old train of thought about dying…she didn't want to die but she felt like she was going to without Natalia. Her right hand absently rubbed at the scar as she lay in the dark, feeling it lub-dub beneath her fingers. It was still beating and going strong, she would keep going strong, and she had to. _I don't want to die without telling Natalia what she means to me. I don't want to die without her. I'm not going to die. _She squeezed the pillow tightly._ I don't know what I did to you, what I said that made you leave but_ _I'm going to find you, I'm going to love you no matter what however you want and I'm not going to let you go. I can't._


	7. The Hardest Thing

The Hardest Thing

Natalia deals with her decision to leave Springfield, contemplate her life and the mess she's made. I'm trying to keep up with the show as much as possible and because I'm just that big a jerk, I'll more than likely deviate from it because I like some happy endings with my angst damnit! Title: 98* Degrees-The Hardest Thing

Natalia was curled up in a fetal position in the backseat of Blake's car, her eyes closed as Blake drove silently in no particular direction. She had crawled into the back seat and slid all the way to the right side, behind Blake and curled up just as the car started. Blake glanced up at the rear view mirror to spy on Natalia as she lay quietly in the back, a jacket draped across her as a makeshift blanket. She could only see her torso and legs.

"Not that I'm complaining…" Blake said, returning her eyes to the road. "But I'm not really a mind reader and I need to have an idea of where it is you want to go…"

"I don't know." Natalia moaned, pulling the jacket over her head, wishing she could disappear altogether.

Blake slowed the car to a crawl before pulling over to the curb. She put the car in park, killed the engine and whirled around in the driver's seat to stare at Natalia. "Well, if you've got no idea where you want to go, shouldn't that tell you that maybe you should just…go to the spa or something. I know that this was sort of my idea but, really, I don't know what it is you need. Maybe you should speak to Olivia?"

Natalia groaned and pulled the jacket down from her face, her eyes puffy from the silent tears she had been crying. "I don't know what to tell her. I don't know why I'm feeling so terribly…" Her phone vibrated in her lap, rudely interrupting their conversation. Natalia looked down and saw Olivia's name and number. She pressed to silence the call, a pain growing in her chest. She was staring down at the phone until the blinking screen stopped and missed call appeared on screen.

"That's a start…" Blake offered sympathetically, nodding at the phone.

"What is? Just, babbling about how I feel like a bus hits me every morning? She's going to just look at me like I've lost my mind. I can't tell her that."

Blake made a face. "Is it that bad?"

Natalia nodded silently, sitting up a little, her back pressed against the rear passenger door. "She calls me at night…we talk and I always fall asleep on the phone with her. I always feel, safe there…I know that if I wake up in the middle of the night and make a noise, she'll hear it and ask if I'm okay." Natalia stared out of the window opposite her own, watching the breeze fluttering through the trees. "In the morning, I still have that warm feeling on my skin and buzzing in my mind then…_reality_ hits. She's not there and Rafe's not home and the house is empty except for me and I don't know how to fix that." She stared ahead of her, tears running down her cheeks in small rivulets. She held her bottom lip between her teeth, her face sullen as the realization that she had just confessed her deepest fears to Blake hit her. She would've blushed if her face wasn't flushed from her crying.

Blake shifted in her seat, trying to get a better look at Natalia. "You want the both of them together? In the farmhouse?"

Natalia nodded simply, a fresh batch of tears welling up in her eyes. She held them open and wide as long as she could, her vision blurring as she tried to fight them from falling. She lost the battle and tears rolled down her cheeks, plopping miserably on her shirt. She sniffed and brushed the remaining tears from her eyes. "I don't know why he just won't listen to me and I'm too terrified to ask her to just…just come and move back in with me because I know that Rafe will never come back. He hardly stops by now, imagine when Olivia and Emma move back. I have to be two different people and it feels like I'm being torn to shreds and he doesn't care what it's doing to me."

"But Olivia does, why…why don't you just speak to her?"

"Because she's going to blame herself for this…for the mess that I'm in…for the fact that outside of us, you knowing, Rafe seeing and Emma's guess work, no one in this town knows how badly in love I am with her." She tried to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat. "I can't lie and pretend that I don't love her for him. I can't look at her and…not feel it."

"So just…do it?" Blake offered. "You're losing nothing by just doing it. By just being honest."

"I'm losing my son."

Blake frowned. "He'll come around."

"He's stubborn. He won't." Natalia felt another crying jag coming on. "I know that you mean well Blake and I thank you but…but…just please just, drive…I need to leave." The calm state she had managed to put herself into broke. Natalia sobbed and covered her face with her hands. Blake opened the driver's side door and tapped on the glass for Natalia to move. She leaned forward, grabbing her knees, keeping her back to Blake as she slid into the rear passenger seat, hugging her tightly as Natalia sobbed. "This is so hard…" Natalia gasped.

She felt strange having Blake being the one consoling her at the worst moment in her life. Her presence was welcome but it felt alien; the only person she'd ever really cried in front of was Olivia and she was really the only person who ever made her feel better before, during and afterwards. The hope that once she worked out of this mess was comforting but that comfort was quickly dashed with the fear that Olivia might night want her back. That fear brought on more tears. "I don't know what else to do. I don't want to leave but it's the only thing I can think of, it's the only way I can just make everything stop spinning long enough for me to look at it and name it, feel it for what it really is and find the right words for it. I can't stop loving her, it's almost a…a…part of me now. It's so scary how easy it is to love her; I just want to be with her and around her. Rafe…he's my son, he's my world. I would do _anything_ for him but this. I just can't. I can't do it but I know that I…I have to give up something…" she stammered, into her palms, her voice ragged and muffled. "I know I have to lose something."

"No you don't…" Blake soothed, rubbing Natalia's shoulders. "You don't have to lose anyone or give up anything…" Blake rocked Natalia even as she felt her body tremble with the ferocity of Natalia's hitched breathing. Natalia doubled over herself, clutching her knees to her chest, her face buried against her knees. "She wouldn't give you up would she? If she loves you as much as it sounds like she does…" Blake continued, her hands rubbing Natalia's hunched shoulders and back softly. "You need to clear your head and the only way to do that is by taking the time you need to take. You'll get answers that way." Natalia's crying had subsided and she gasped to catch her breath, hollow sounds coming from her deep in her chest when she tried to clear her throat.

Blake watched her carefully, measuring her words as she spoke. "I know a place we can go…I went there when I lost Ross. It's quiet…it's not too far from here either so whenever you're ready, I can get you in no time. It's up in the valley, there are small cabins and you could just hole up there for a few days, meditate, walk, do some yoga and find yourself again. It's a beautiful place." Blake studied Natalia's back as she sat motionless, her chin resting on her knees. "How does that sound?"

Natalia sniffed as she wiped her eyes with the backs of her wrists and giving a weak nod. She weighed her options. _Ray was sworn to secrecy and Blake, well, Blake wouldn't say anything anyway, especially about her condition. Olivia. God. Please forgive me._ She mentally crossed herself before speaking. "Okay." she croaked, her throat raw. "Okay…let's go."

"Okay." Blake repeated with a nod, giving Natalia's shoulders a gentle squeeze before sliding out of the car. She closed the door gently behind her, Natalia decided she was going to try and sit up for a moment before quitting and laying back down again, her legs tucked into her chest again. Blake slid back into the driver's seat and pulled her seatbelt back on. "We'll pick up a few things on the way over."

"Blake?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you…"

"Don't worry about it, Natalia." Blake answered with a shrug. "I've been where you are. Love is a strange and wonderful thing and sometimes it happens at the same time. Just relax okay? It's going to be fine. You'll see."

"I hope so." Natalia replied, tucking her left arm under her head as a pillow as she stared ahead at the back of Blake's seat. Her right hand was pressed against her mouth as though she was trying to keep herself from screaming.

*******************  
*******************

Natalia had fallen asleep in the back of the car and woke at the sound of the trunk opening. She sat up on her elbows groggily, looking around the car trying to familiarize herself with her surroundings. She heard the trunk close with a muffled thunk and looked at the rear of the car to see Blake standing there with a small smile on her face. She waved and rounded to the front of the car. Natalia felt a strange wave of relief wash over her and she gave a weak smile.

"You were sound asleep and I didn't want to wake you so I just picked up what I thought you might need…"

"Oh Blake…You really didn't need to…" Natalia swung her legs around and sat up for the first time in a long time. She felt dizzy for a moment before speaking. "I'll pay you back…"

"Don't. Worry." Blake replied, holding up her hand as she slid back into the driver's seat. "I told you, I want to help. I'm a big fan of love."

Natalia gave a weak nod, sniffed and rubbed her face with her hands. Her skin felt rubbery under her fingers, gritty from where the salt had dried on her cheeks and under her eyes. She looked like a mess and felt much worse. There was a dull ache in her chest, like her heart was only doing half the work it needed to do because of the psychosomatic injury it felt; it was broken. She sat in the middle of the rear bench, staring out of the windshield as Blake started the car. She felt terrible for spilling so much to Blake in her distress but she felt better having spoken her fears out loud; Father Ray was dismissive of her fears, offering instead that Natalia had made up her feelings for Olivia and as for anyone with ears listening, it wasn't happening. She sniffed from time to time; embarrassed that she had broken down like that when she was so certain of herself, so sure that this was not _right_ but fair. Blake wordlessly handed her a tissue and pulled the car back out onto the road. Natalia studied Blake's profile for a moment, remembering what she said about Frank and his being a good man. _Maybe she loves him and doesn't know how to tell him. They'd be better together than he and I ever could've been. Olivia and I make sense better than Frank and I did. She knows me and I know she's going to look for me…part of me doesn't want her to but all of me wishes she'd find me. Maybe then it would make sense…_She sniffed again and leaned back deeper into the seat, hoping that Blake was right, that this time out would help her sort her thoughts and fears and finally find some peace.

**********  
*********

Blake helped Natalia carry in her luggage into the small cabin she was going to be staying out of. She left it at the foot of the bed and held out the key. Blake went to the main office and explained that she was wanted her new employee to spend a few days in the Forest Hills Retreat for some rest and relaxation after an exhaustive few weeks of constant promotional work. Without any further explanations needed, Blake was handed a key and returned to the car where Natalia sat glumly looking at her fingers in the backseat.

"Want a tour? All of the cabins are about the same…" Blake said, heading to the right towards the kitchen. Natalia followed quietly, her hands in her pockets as she looked around the small one room space. It reminded her of her place by Company, which reminded her of Frank, which reminded her of Olivia. Her chest ached again, the pain reminding her of what Olivia must have felt when she had her mild heart attack in front of Company the day she offered her the chance to be her personal assistant. A lump started to form in her throat as she watched Blake check the small fridge and stove. She swallowed hard.

"This is all too much Blake…"

"Don't be ridiculous." Blake replied, passing Natalia to bring in the groceries she bought. "It's the least I can do since otherwise I feel pretty useless."

"You're not useless…" Natalia replied, biting her right thumbnail absently. "I am."

Blake stopped unpacking the groceries to shoot Natalia a look. "You are not useless. You're being productive in securing your happiness." she said firmly. "So stop."

Natalia nodded meekly and explored the rest of the small cabin. Directly on the left of the small kitchen was a small hallway that ended with a sun filled window with two doors taking up the right side of the wall. She walked towards the small window and looked out. The window overlooked a small creek surrounded by trees. The view reminded her of the farmhouse. She swallowed hard, turned and opened the first door. It led to the roomy bathroom with a shower and tub on the right hand side, the toilet was hidden in a small corner. A large rectangular window ran at shoulder length alongside the left side, allowing sunlight to make the off white tiles glow. The shower itself had curtains and the tub had small shoots embedded in the porcelain. She didn't hear Blake enter behind her.

"Great isn't it?" she asked, her hands shoved into the pockets of her jeans as she watched Natalia look around, eyes wide.

"It is. It's really nice."

"I'm telling you Natalia, if you can't find your inner peace here…"

_Then I'm really insane. _Natalia thought bitterly. She turned where she stood in the center of the bathroom. "I hope I can repay you for all you've done…"

"Y'know, I keep telling you not to worry about it. The best way you can repay me is by getting better and coming back to Springfield happy. Then coming back to work for me because I gotta tell ya, the work is piling up." Blake replied with a wistful smile.

Natalia stiffened up. She imagined Olivia saying those things to her and for a moment wanted to run out of the bathroom, grab her things and run back to Springfield on foot if she could make it. She nodded stiffly. "I'm hoping that I get some answers here."

"Come on to the front, I've gotta show you the program guide. There's loads of stuff for you to do out here whenever you'd like to get out." Blake said, turning on her heel and walking out.

*************

They sat on the edge of the bed reading through the small brochure, Blake doing all of the scheduling for Natalia. Noticing Natalia's lack of enthusiasm she quit while she was ahead and handed it back to the sullen woman before standing up.

"You have your phone so whenever you're ready to go, just, call me and I'll come and get you, okay?" Blake said helpfully, rubbing her palms together. "If you want, I can bring your car up here so you can go on drives, but I'm sure that the front will let you borrow one of the cars here if you need to make a trip anywhere…"

Natalia studied the brochure as it lay in her lap, staring back at her. She looked up at Blake and gave her a shrug. "No, I'm just gonna stay put…"_ because if I have a car I'm pretty sure that I'm going to just drive off and not come back._ She looked around the room and gave a tight lipped smile. "I just need to think. That's all."

Blake nodded. "Okay. Well if you're settled, I've got to be heading back before anybody notices I'm gone…wouldn't _that_ be the town scandal?" Blake joked. She let the laugh that had been bubbling up in her chest fade as a cough. "Just, please, take your time okay? Call me if you need anything at all. Even if it's just to talk."

Natalia stood up and let Blake give her a tight hug, her own arms pinned at her sides. "Thank you for everything Blake."

"Don't worry about it, it's what friends do." Blake replied giving Natalia one final squeeze before grabbing her car keys from the table and heading out. Natalia stood at the foot of the bed, her arms wrapped around herself as she heard the sound of Blake's car starting before she drove away down the gravel road. She sighed and sat down with a soft thud on the queen sized bed, the sounds of the woods echoing around her. She pulled herself up into the center of the bed, curling up into fetal position before letting exhaustion lull her into troubled sleep.

********

Blake hated lying and the desperation in Olivia's voice only made the burning guilt much worse. She knew she gave Natalia her word and wouldn't say anything but Olivia kept asking if she knew where Natalia was. Blake watched her hide behind trees, dialing a number and frowning as the party on the other line avoided the call. She could see that Olivia was getting upset and now, cornered and out of ear shot of the party, Olivia grabbed onto Blake's arm, demanding an explanation.

"What do you mean she doesn't want to see me?" Olivia growled, her eyes narrowed while tears began to well in them. "Blake, what's going on…?"

"She…it's…I can't say." Blake stammered. "I'm sorry." She walked away quickly, fearing that Olivia was going to sock her in the face. She could feel a wave of sadness following in her wake and she slowed her stride, hazarding a glance over her shoulder to see Olivia backing away, her right hand held over her mouth, the cell phone clutched in her left. She clenched her jaw and watched Olivia turn on her heel quickly, take two long strides away from the tree she had been standing under before breaking into a wild sprint. She let out a heavy sigh; she was going to be true to her word, even if it meant that she'd just made an already terrible situation worse.

*********

_She sat on the porch of the farmhouse, holding a glass of lemonade a smile crossing her face as Olivia rounded the corner, her hands shoved casually in the pockets of her jeans. She was wearing the blue shirt that Natalia liked, the one that made her eyes sparkle and the dark blue jeans that hugged her hips. She blushed as Olivia sat down next to her on the bench, a sly grin on her face._

_"Hey there pretty lady. Come here often…?"_

_Natalia ducked her head quickly, a brilliant smile lighting up her face as she cocked her head to the right, blinding Olivia with the radiance. "Once in awhile."_

_"Who says that?" Olivia quipped, gently bumping Natalia with her shoulder before looping over her shoulders, pulling her towards her in a fierce hug._

_"I'm not used to be hit on."_

_"Good, don't get used to it, I'll get jealous." Olivia breathed into the crown of Natalia's head, kissing it softly. Natalia closed her eyes, feeling Olivia's heart beat, the sound comforting her in a way she never thought the simple lub-dub could. She thought about Gus and how that same sound had made her feel so loved and how the exact same muscle was doing wonders for Olivia. Though it was the same lub-dub, it sounded different, confident, strong, and defiant. Olivia was always going against the odds, defying the rules and logic…she was a rebel and that same rebellious sound was reverberating in Natalia's head. _

_It said I dare you not to love me._

_I dare you to stop._

_Natalia felt herself curl up closer to Olivia, her right arm wrapping around Olivia's waist, her face buried in Olivia's perfumed neck, eyes closed tightly._

_That's the problem._

_I can't._

_*********  
*********_

Natalia woke from the dream startled. She had a bunched up pillow in her arms, her eyes watery from sleep and unshed tears. She blinked and the tears fell, clearing her vision. She sat up in bed, forgetting for a moment that she was in a cabin, at a retreat, trying to think of the right things to say. She checked her watch and frowned. It was only a little after 6 pm, the sun still shining brilliantly. She let out a deep sigh, climbing out of bed and going to the bathroom. She started up the water, taking a brief moment to enjoy the warmth that issued from the removable showerhead. She changed and jumped in, determined to wash out the guilt, sadness and salty grime that seemed to clog her pores.

The room was sufficiently steamy when she exited, toweling herself off and frowning as her stomach growled. She hadn't had much of an appetite since this morning, having avoided eating altogether thanks to the bundle of nerves her stomach had become thinking about the barbecue.

_Oh no._ She wrapped the plush white robe tightly around herself and made her way quickly to bed to search for her phone. She found it and frowned. No bars. She searched the room for a landline and upon finding it, dialed her own number to retrieve her voicemail messages.

Almost a dozen voicemails were left, all of them from Olivia. The first batch were friendly, hey I miss you messages before they slowly morphed into concerned ones and finally, the last one that broke whatever was left of Natalia's heart into bits, was wrought with fear.

"Hey Natalia it's me…I haven't heard from you and…the barbecue isn't the same without you…just…please call me…let me know you're okay…? I love you." Her voice was choked with emotion. With fear. With loss.

Natalia's breathing hitched as she felt hot tears roll down her cheeks. She hung up the land line and gripped the useless cell phone in her hands, crying. _What am I doing? What am I doing?! I can't do this. I can't stay here and hear her sounding like that and know that it's my fault…I can't. If I go home, what am I going home to? I'll have to answer her questions and I don't have answers for them…I don't have anything to give her, to explain myself, I don't have anything to say for myself. I can't even say anything without crying. I can't think straight and I only sleep when I'm too tired to cry anymore._ She felt her body sagging down into the bed and for a moment she was self conscious because she was naked under the robe but in her misery, she didn't care. She pulled the covers back and burrowed beneath them, tears falling freely as she clutched the phone to her chest, wishing that when she woke up, she would be home.


	8. Chasing Pavements

Chasing Pavements

************

Olivia and Doris go on a fun filled road trip in their quest to find Natalia. By fun filled I mean snarkasm and angst. It's following the nunsense poor Olivia's been running into in her pursuit of Natalia. I don't own the names, the places, the people, Telenext, Proctor and Gamble and CBS do. Thanks for listening, thanks for caring. Title: Adele-Chasing Pavements.

***********

She woke up early, her stomach still in knots from fear and the excessive alcohol that she had consumed last night. She groaned as she rolled onto her side, grimacing as her stomach lurched with the movement. The lights were off and what little sunlight came in, seemed to blind her. The last time she was this drunk, she was living in the farmhouse and had spent the day before drinking with Edmund and Shayne. She attempted to make a hangover cure out of eggs and sauerkraut in the blender but the smell deterred her from even attempting to take a sip. Natalia had busted her before she could throw up into the blender. The smell filled her sense memory and slowly inched her way off out of bed, keeping her head down and her eyes in narrow slits on her way to the bathroom.

In a fit of desperation Olivia had called Doris for help. She drank a tall glass of cold water as she dialed Doris' number. There was a dull throb in her head that the ice water and aspirin wasn't fixing fast enough as she waited for Doris to answer.

"Hello."

"Hi, Doris…"

"Olivia! How are you? You sound crappy."

"Thanks. Really. Does the offer still stand?"

"Which? The one to find her? Of course it does. As a matter of fact," Olivia heard the sound of papers rustling as Doris fidgeted at her desk. "I've got a few places right here…"

"Are they close?"

"Between here and Chicago, yep." Doris paused. "Are you thinking of a road trip?"

Olivia bit her right thumbnail in thought. "Kind of."

Doris' face lit up. "Count me in!"

"No…Doris…I…"

"Olivia. Be realistic, you're in no condition to do something like drive around for hours looking for Natalia. I insist."

Olivia weighed her options. Doris was right. She couldn't drive around, look at a map, check addresses and keep her composure at the same time. She bit her bottom lip and nodded. "Alright. I'll come to city hall and wait for you in the parking lot in an hour. Think you'll be ready by then?"

"You got it. Oh, Olivia…?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't worry, it's going to be okay, we're gonna find her."

"I hope so."

********  
********

Olivia paced nervously around in the parking lot, checking her watch every two minutes, her agitation growing. She fidgeted with her car keys in her left hand, the jangling making her anxious. Every second that passed by was another second Natalia got father away from her. She dialed Doris' number and sighed at the voicemail. "Doris, I dunno where you are but we were supposed to be on the road 30 minutes ago looking for Natalia so if you can't make it could you just…" The sound of fast moving stilettos and luggage wheels dragging behind it turned her around and she caught Doris, fast walking across the parking lot, a large canvas bag loaded with snacks dangling from her right arm. Olivia hung up the call. "What?"

"Sorry…" Doris offered. "Sorry I'm late I just had to stop at the store for some snacks."

Olivia eyed Doris' idea of a few snacks surreptitiously, the corners of her mouth quirked into a smirk.

"What? I like to be comfortable." Doris added as she plopped the oversized bag on the trunk of the car. Olivia reached over and pulled out a large can of bug spray. She held it up. She briefly entertained the idea of using the bug spray as mace. "I hate bugs…"

"Really? Well, while you were packing did you remember the list?" Olivia asked, returning the can to Doris' snack bag.

"Yup I did, every retreat and Catholic monastery from here to Chicago." She held out the printout towards Olivia, a helpful smile on her face. "It's a long list."

"We need to get started before Natalia becomes a nun and ships off to Africa…" Olivia replied, checking the time on her cell phone.

Doris grabbed the papers back from Olivia and shoved it into the snack bag. "Oh she's not gonna become a nun, she loves you way too much for that. She's probably somewhere reflecting or fasting or having a vision or something, that's what religious people do." She moved her luggage towards a disgruntled Olivia who dutifully popped the trunk. Doris moved towards the side of the passenger side of the car and watched as Olivia hefted the oversized luggage and tossed it unceremoniously into the trunk. "Thanks!" she said cheerfully before sliding into the passenger seat. _God help me._ Olivia thought as she closed the trunk hard and rounded towards the driver's side.

Olivia pulled the car out of the parking lot, her mind slowly ticking away at the mental list that she had formed. She was thinking of what to say, how to say it, what to do and how best to cut her anger out of the equation. She was angry, hurt and upset and she didn't want to blurt out the first thing she was thinking because she knew it would tear into Natalia and possibly destroy the one person that meant everything to her. She felt a lump forming in her throat as she navigated the car onto the highway as she tried to think of the right words to say. _You're missing the point._ She mentally chided herself. _There is nothing _to_ say. You have to listen because she's the one with the answers. You can't say anything to her that'll make this better; you can only just listen and try out some of that patience you hear so much about._ She stared ahead, exhaling slowly.

Olivia was so lost in her thoughts that she had forgotten that Doris was in the car until she saw Doris' left hand reach out for the radio, switching it on and flipping through channels. Doris skimmed through channels of static, commercials or music that made her wrinkle her nose in distaste.

"What're you doing?" Olivia asked, doing a poor job of hiding her irritation as she watched Doris out of the corner of her eye.

"Trying to find something to listen to, obviously." She twisted the dial gingerly, her head cocked to the side as she tried to decide whether or not she liked the song or not. "God this is what passes for music these days?" She pressed the seek button hoping the channel scan would find something suitable for them. "Besides, we need music, it's far to quiet in here. It's awkward." She popped a mini pretzel in her mouth and chewed on it noisily.

"I'm sorry my moment of need is awkward for you." Olivia replied, rolling her eyes. "And try not to get the car so messy? I don't have this problem with Em and she's ten."

"I'm being very neat, for your information. I mean that when it's quiet, it makes me think about my own personal crisis and I'd rather focus on _your_ crisis rather than mine."

"That's nice to know that I'm a great distraction for you." Olivia grumbled as she saw a pocket in the traffic lane and accelerated the car to switch into the faster lane. The engine roared for Olivia, echoing the anger that was bubbling under her skin.

"Hey whoa, slow down!" Doris yelped. "You're a civilian driving a government official in the fast lane of a highway!"

"Sorry." Olivia muttered half meaning it. She stared straight ahead focusing on the signs and trying to keep her mind from wandering and thinking the worst.

Doris resumed skimming through stations, still clinging to the hope of finding something suitable before making a face, switching the radio off and staring out of the passenger window. She popped another pretzel in her mouth, chewing on it thoughtfully as she tried to ignore her own gnawing sense of doom. She looked down at her lap at the printout and unfamiliar names and addresses. She frowned and started to feel the worry Olivia was going through. Doris sighed, looked up and watched the scenery fly by before speaking. "Do you think she's nearby?" she blurted out, her voice bouncing off of the window.

"What?" Olivia asked, glancing over at Doris curiously.

"Do you think she's nearby? Maybe she didn't go to the retreats after all. Maybe she's staying at a motel. Or Alan's? Didn't she have a room there?" Doris asked, popping another pretzel in her mouth and chewing thoughtfully as she watched Olivia's profile. Her expression shifted from blank to curious.

Olivia's grip tightened on the steering wheel, her knuckles going white. She had almost forgotten the deal she made with Alan over Natalia when she thought she was going to die. She loosened her grip on the wheel momentarily, her left hand drifting to her chest absently touching her scar. That felt like a lifetime ago. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up at the memory of how treacherous she once was. How easily she did could've hurt Natalia, how easily she _did_ hurt Natalia. Was she really that person? Could she really have been that cold blooded and ruthless? When had that changed? When was the ice water flushed out with love? When did she come to rely so much on the woman she once wanted to crush her under her heel? _When did I become so dependent? _She clenched and unclenched her jaw before speaking. "I hadn't thought of that to be honest, but I don't think she'd go to Alan for help." She shivered at the idea of Natalia being somewhere along the highway in a motel room, probably watching the cars zoom by wondering if she would be found.

"Just asking." Doris returned her gaze to her side of the car, popping another pretzel in her mouth. "She's worth it?"

"Yes." Olivia replied without thinking twice.

Doris' eyes bugged, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise. "Wow." She nodded her approval.

"Where am I supposed to turn?" Olivia interjected, cutting off any follow up questions Doris had.

Doris ducked her head back to the papers, double checking the information before she answered. "Uhh, next exit."

Olivia switched lanes while Doris read through their manifest list at the first stop on their retreat tour. "It's not that far off from the highway, which is good because if she's not there, not that I'm saying that she's not I'm just planning ahead, there is another retreat in the next county. We could just hop back on the highway from there."

Olivia tried to force the idea that Natalia wouldn't be in the first place they looked out of her mind. _If she's not there, she'll be at the next one or the next one and if she's not…No, no, she's going to be there…she's somewhere. She can't just _not_ be someplace. _They traveled in a comfortable silence for ten minutes until they came off the highway and onto a small road. She glanced over to Doris who promptly said, "I-9 should be a straight shot."

********

Olivia drove slowly on the road, silent except for the occasional crunching noise of Doris and her pretzel habit. Olivia swore she was making the same turns over and over again, doubling back on the road before they pulled into a small town going slowly down the main road.

"I thought you said it was a straight shot from the highway…" Olivia said, slowing up and looking up and down the road for highway road signs. "We've been going around in circles. Olivia grumbled.  
Doris made a face. "I coulda sworn the road lead straight from the highway to the campsite." She moved around in her seat, reaching for the map that she had tossed in the backseat of the car.

"Doris…" Olivia groaned, turning into an alleyway and turned the car off.

"What? It's not my fault that you want to impersonate Magellan and don't have GPS in your car like everyone else in the modern world." Doris replied simply.

"Do you have GPS?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah." Doris shot back.

"If you knew we were going on a road trip, did ya think to bring it?" Olivia gave Doris a duh expression. "Besides, I'm pretty sure Magellan had a decent navigator when he went out…"

"Shut up." Doris retorted, unbuckling her seatbelt and getting comfortable in her seat. It began to rain, the drops making a gentle thrumming sound on the car. She watched Olivia unbuckle herself and prop her foot on her seat, leaning against her door. Olivia ran her hands through her hair, trying to shake out some of her mounting frustration. Olivia leaned back in her seat, frowning and watching the rain as it ran down in rivulets down the windshield. The sky was gray, a sharp change from the impressive blue that it had been when they started their day. Doris chuckled and popped another pretzel in her mouth, looking down at the papers as they sat in her lap. She clicked her pen to life and scratched out the first address. Her eyes scanned the rest of the addresses before she saw an address she recognized.

"Oh look!" she exclaimed, pointing at the information and holding it for a disinterested Olivia to see. "We're gonna right to Oakdale! Y'know what? There's a great diner there I had a burger there once, oh, it was so delicious, I got grease all over the inside of the car."

"Yeah…are we taking highway 9 or 22?" Olivia replied ignoring Doris' food porn moment.

"Uhh, 9, it's right by the school." Doris replied, popping another pretzel in her mouth. "Y'know? Oakdale is a _really_ cool town. I think, maybe I'll move here when my term is up and run for mayor." She turned to face Olivia, a look of confidence on her face.

"I am _so_ glad that my life crisis is helping you sort out your next career move."

"Just trying to get your mind off things." Doris deadpanned.

"You can't. I need to figure out what I'm gonna say to her."

"How could you do that? You don't even know why she left."

"I don't know why she left. She…I have to remind her that we're not running from things anymore and whatever problems we have, we'll deal with them together.

"Together." Doris repeated, staring Olivia squarely in the eyes.

"Together." Olivia replied, holding Doris' eyes solidly, the sound of the rain the only sound between then.

"It's just that you…you two spent so long denying you were together…"

"I know and you know what, if that's the issue then we'll deal with it. Cause I'll _wait._ I just want to be with her." Olivia replied a small smile brightening her dark features.

"Wow." Doris replied, her eyebrows knotted in envy. "I've never had a relationship like that. I mean, I've been loved but, not that way." Doris took a deep breath. "I mean the way you feel about Natalia. You'd do anything for her."

"Yeah, I'd do anything for her. She's the most important person in my life maybe with the exception of my daughters…" Olivia replied earnestly, her smile widening as she stared out of the window.

"Do you believe in anything religious?" Doris asked.

"Not particularly."

Doris made a face at the response. "Me either. But. You know I am kinda thinking that maybe Natalia feels about her religion the way you and I feel about our daughters."

"So. What're you saying? You think the pull's too strong? That…that she can't have both things in her life?"

"I'm not saying that at all." Doris replied reassuringly. "I'm merely ruminating…" she shrugged, suddenly feeling self conscious for offering advice she wasn't sure Olivia wanted or needed.

"No, don't. We've done this. We know that she can have both things, she's just _forgotten._ So I need to find her and I need to remind her and then we can all go home." Olivia replied, her posture straightening, a slow confidence building.

"God can be very powerful."

"Well, no offense, but so can I." Olivia beamed before starting the car, the smile still on her face, welcoming the challenge.

"Alrighty." Doris breathed, checking the papers in her lap and pointing ahead.

Olivia felt a little better, more reassured as she found the road and made the right turn after much trial and error. She was grateful for Doris' help and the fact that she had given voice to some of her fears helped make the stress and worry she was under slightly dissipate. She hoped that Natalia would be in the first place they looked, she actually _prayed_ for it because she just wanted her home. She just wanted it to be over. _We deserve to be happy. We can do it._

The car hummed silently as they made their way back onto the highway towards St. Andrews. Doris allowed enough silence to pass between them before getting the courage to break it. "You look tense."

"Think so?" Olivia joked, glancing to her right, smirk on her face.

"You must love her a lot."

"I do." Olivia sighed as she slowed down her speed, rain pelting the windshield. "I just keep thinking, what did I say? What did I do?"

"You probably didn't say anything. Maybe she's just as worried as you are about your…relationship." Doris' tone shifted on the last word. "You did spend so much time…maybe she's gotten cold feet."

"No. Natalia has always knowing how I've felt about her, this…about us."

"Why are you waiting to tell Emma then? If you feel this is it for you two?"

"Why're you waiting to tell Ashlee?" Olivia countered.

Doris made a face. "Telling Ashlee I like women is different because unlike you, I don't have anyone to show for it, it would just sound like I gave up on men. It just sounds like I'm blurting something out without any evidence."

"Evidence? You need evidence?"

"Don't change the subject. Why haven't you told Emma? Or Ava for that matter?"

"As a matter of fact, I was going to tell Emma with Natalia the day of the barbecue. Since she never showed up…" Olivia replied with a shrug, her spirits damped as she was reminded of why she was out in the middle of nowhere with Doris.

"You live with Emma, isn't that something you should talk about between yourselves?"

"We agreed to talk to her together, so we can answer her

questions."

Doris took a long swig from her water bottle while giving Olivia the side eye. "She did a power point presentation on the two of you, saying that she had two mommies. Just how much more explaining did the two of you plan to do exactly?"

"She's a kid, she sees two people acting like one person, taking care of her, feeding her and being there for her…we're both women and we're both moms…it's an innocent thing."

"With all the time you've had behind closed doors, have you _actually_ acted like a couple?" Doris asked, not realizing how loaded the question really was.

Olivia momentarily lifted her foot from the gas, briefly entertaining the idea of slamming the breaks and kicking Doris out of the car in the middle of the road, her rank as Springfield's mayor not meaning anything to her. She thought against it, holding her tongue as she let Doris continue.

"I mean…look, Olivia, I'm not picking a fight with you here, okay? It's just…well…if you haven't exactly been a very couple-y couple, are you still a couple? Have you kissed?"

_Jeeze Doris, how backed up are you?_ Olivia's mind flashed to the heated kiss she boldly stole from Natalia following the aforementioned presentation. Her lips were soft, sweet, warm and they hadn't fought her. Natalia _let_ Olivia caress her lips with her own; her mouth moving slowly against Natalia's momentarily paralyzed lips, feeling the shorter woman's body slowly lapse into her own before Natalia backed away, her face a mixture of shock mingled with arousal. "Once." Olivia managed, glancing from the road towards Doris before returning her eyes to the road.

"_ONCE?!_ You're kidding."

"No, I'm not…" Olivia blushed at the admission.

"Well…details." Doris asked, popping a handful of pretzels in her mouth eagerly.

Olivia turned a deeper shade of red. "I started it."

"Obviously."

Olivia shot Doris a disapproving glare.

"Okay, so you started it. When was this? Where there sparks? Fireworks? Ooh ooh did your leg do that pop thing? Did she kiss you back?"

"Jeeze Doris, what're you five?"

"She_ did_. C'mon! We're bonding Olivia! I don't have much of a love life right now, so I'm living vicariously through you."

Olivia suppressed a smile at both the memory and Doris' obvious over excitement. "It was after the presentation at Emma's school. Em was making her presentation in class…I was nervous and Natalia just…reached over and grabbed my hand and just held it there in her lap." Olivia felt her fingers tingle at the sense memory. "Then after the whole thing, I tried speaking to her teacher while Natalia left and I realized that everyone thought that we were _together together._ Poor Natalia…" she chuckled at Natalia's naiveté. "I took Emma out for ice cream, dropped her off again at school and then went to Towers. I had a few martinis and went back to the farmhouse." She bit back from saying home. "We were talking and…she just…blew my mind with how naïve she was. She didn't get what the other parents were thinking…what the _teachers_, hell, what _you_ thought about our living situation. It was adorable and frustrating at the same time."

"Wait, you were _loaded?"_ Doris interjected, taking another swig from her water bottle.

"No, well a little, I was buzzed maybe. She asked me about that actually. I'm getting to that."

"Well, hurry up!"

"Whoa whoa, you're the one who wanted a story that you could vicariously live through…" Olivia glanced back at Doris. "Want me to finish?"

"Please."

"Fine. Well. I told her that they thought we were _partners_, like partners for life and she said that we were but she meant like a team. So I just…spelled it out for her." Olivia shrugged. "Maybe it was the liquor, maybe it was the way she just didn't get it or the way the light hit her, or the dress or the way she's always been there, putting up with me but, Doris, I swear, she…just…I was taken. If that kiss hadn't happened, I don't know what would've happened."

"She would've married Frank and you'd be filled with regret and what ifs…" Doris offered, captivated by Olivia's sudden vulnerability. She studied Olivia's profile, watching the way she squinted at the road, preventing tears from falling. She seemed wistful at the memory. "That was the only time?"

"Yes." Olivia breathed. "And I think about it _constantly._ I think about her more than the kiss to be honest. We've come close to kissing again and I can see that she wants to do it again. It sounds mean but the time she was with Frank, I knew she did whenever she was around him. She never seemed connected to him…and he's a great guy, really easy to get along with. I always felt a piece of me die a little bit when I pushed them together because…well...because I always thought that I wasn't worth it. I'm not worth loving especially now with all the trouble that it's causing."

"Olivia, that's ridiculous. Everybody deserves a chance to be happy."

"I know."

"Why haven't you kissed again? What're you waiting for?"

"I want it to happen naturally…I…I want her to do it for herself."

"And she hasn't? You're kidding." Doris replied, shaking her head in disbelief, another pretzel popped in her mouth.

"Well. That's not entirely true."

"C'mon tell me, I knew you were holding out."

"My pacemaker went off around the time of Natalia's engagement to Frank and after we had already kissed. I was apartment hunting and I insisted it was fine but Natalia, you know how she is…so she made me go see Rick and he sedated me to make sure there was nothing wrong with the pacemaker or my heart. He _swore_ it wasn't anything serious and that I'd be out of it in no time so while I was in recovery, I guess Natalia came in to check on me."

Doris sat silent, riveted to her seat as Olivia spoke.

"I guess I was waking up and it startled me how close she was to me, just…right there…and she was talking to me about how she's never had a friend like me before…I guess the sound of her voice was what brought me around. The next thing I knew, I felt her lips on my forehead, her hand was on my left cheek and she tilted my chin up towards her I could feel her breath on my face and she was coming closer to me. She wanted to kiss me and I just panicked."

"You what?" Doris breathed, her building sense of romantic climax imploding all around her. "What do you mean, you panicked?"

"I woke myself up."

"Olivia Spencer. Forgive me for saying this but you're a complete and total friggen idiot."

"I know I know…" Olivia replied, mentally chastising herself. "I just…I wanted to be there when she did it, not in a haze. I scared the hell out of her though, she looked like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar."

"Cookie jar of love." Doris concurred, popping another pretzel in her mouth. "And you haven't come that close since have you?"

"Are you planning on eating that entire bag on your own?" Olivia asked, hoping to change the subject from her lovelorn life.

"The thought crossed my mind yes. Why? Do my snacks interest you?" Doris clutched her bag close to her, the plastic crinkling against her chest.

"A little bit."

"Glad I brought them aren't you?" Doris replied smugly, holding the bag out to Olivia who dutifully grabbed a handful with her right hand.

"Can't talk, drive and eat at the same time, sorry." Olivia quipped with a mouthful of mini pretzels.

"Well, pay attention, the exit isn't too far away." Doris warned, nodding towards the road signs.

*******

Olivia slammed the door louder than she had intended to as she adjusted herself into the driver's seat.

The noise drove Doris' attention from the printout she was studying "What happened? You struck out?"

"It's a retreat for nuns." Olivia smirked, fixing her seatbelt and glancing at Doris.

"Oh. Well. Natalia could pass." Doris replied off-handedly a small smile playing on her face. She was relieved that Olivia wasn't always going to be a bundle of rage before Olivia cut her a dirty look. "Okay. The next stop is uh, Saint Andrews." Doris popped another pretzel in her mouth, preventing herself from making another joke.

*********

The Jean R. Simmons' Girl Scouts' Retreat had never heard of Natalia Rivera and at the moment was the temporary residence to a pack of summer camp kids. Olivia felt the hot blaze of embarrassment run scarlet from the base of her spine to her cheeks. She frowned, apologized and practically sprinted back to the car before she could be detained by the camp staff. It had been her idea to stop and check that lodge despite Doris' warning that it wasn't on the list and she was pretty sure that "Natalia wouldn't be interested in cookies at a time like this." Dejected, Olivia climbed back into the car and drove on.

********

Our Lady of Perpetual Hope was Olivia's perpetual downfall as the director of the center instructed Olivia to "Please remove herself from the premises as they had no interest in her story." Olivia had never desired to hit a nun, but she felt it bubbling up. She held her tongue and fist as she returned to the car, started the engine and peeled out.

*******

Father O'Brian at All Hallows religious retreat was courteous enough to indulge Olivia as she attempted to explain the situation. She walked with him along the exterior of the main office, his hands in the pockets of his black pants, nodding at the pertinent information and frowning as Olivia cut to the chase.

"So you see Father, I'm just trying to find my best friend…She's having a hard time and all I want to do is help her out." Olivia said hopefully, her desperation bleeding through the words.

"Ah…what makes you think that she's not finding it in a place like this?" he asked grimly, the polite nature he had slowly disappearing.

"Well…is she here?"

"My dear, I'm not allowed to give out that information to anyone."

"So she is? Her name is Natalia Rivera, she's about uhh this tall," Olivia held her right hand to her shoulder "Jet black hair and beautiful brown eyes…she…I just need her to talk me because she just left and I need to know why…"

"I already told you, I cannot give that information out and I'm sure if your friend left, she had had a good reason to seek the peace of meditation and prayer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to start afternoon prayers." He gave her a polite nod and turned to leave. Olivia reached out and grabbed him by his left elbow, holding it tightly in her grip. He looked down appalled that anyone would touch him. "Excuse me." he grumbled, jerking his elbow out of Olivia's grasp.

"Please. I just need to see for myself…"

He sighed and faced Olivia, his face the definition of disapproval. "Ms. Spencer, I can tell you're someone who isn't used to hearing no so I'm going to tell you in a way that you'll understand. If your friend left a situation she felt was damaging her spiritually, she is well within her right to care for herself however she chooses and if you are as good a friend as you believe yourself to be, you'll respect her decision and leave." His lips set into a hard line, his hands returned to his pockets and he glared at Olivia in a way that took her off guard. The kindly older gentleman she had explained her situation to ("She's my best friend and we need to talk because we had a serious misunderstanding all I want to do is apologize.") was replaced by an iron fisted task master.

Olivia felt her eyes begin to water and she was glad that she had a long way to go before she made it back to Doris and the car. She nodded meekly, her jaw working as she attempted to think of something else to say but she chose to keep her mouth shut. She felt a shiver of defeat pass through her body as she turned on her heel and walked away from Father O'Brian. She tried to settle her breathing as she walked the path back towards the parking area. Going past the main office, she felt a flash of heat begin in the center of her back, her eyes welling with hot tears. She wrapped her arms around herself as she walked, her steps faltering as she went, tears spilling and she cried silently back to the car.

When the white Nissan became visible in the small parking lot, Olivia wiped at her eyes with the backs of her hands, sniffling as she tried to compose herself. She didn't want Doris to see how badly she was unraveling and how much she wanted to quit. _She went through so much trouble to hide…to stay away from me and I don't think it's worth trying to find her if she's going through all this mess._ She pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes, causing bright white lights to dance underneath her eyelids before she heard Doris call out to her from where she stood alongside the car.

"What happened? No luck?"

"No…" Olivia sniffled again and squinted at Doris, trying to see what it was she was doing.

"Sorry, I needed to stretch…" Doris replied as she climbed back into the car and waited for Olivia to join her.

"It's fine…" Olivia replied, rounding the front of the car and sliding into her seat. She hesitated to put on her seatbelt. "I'm thinking that I want to just go back home…"

"What? Why?" Doris asked alarmed. "We're only a quarter through the list…"

"Yeah and Emma is at home and you have a town to run…We have lives to get back to…"

"Olivia, your life is somewhere out there…" Doris replied, gesturing emphatically around her. "Natalia is somewhere and you're the one who wanted to find her. The town can wait."

"Yeah but Emma can't."

"She'll understand if you come home with Natalia in tow."

Olivia weighed her options. "What's the next one?"

"St. Andrews. You've been avoiding it with the detours…" Doris replied.

"I'm not avoiding it…How far is it from here?"

"It shouldn't be too far...two exits from here if I'm reading this right." Doris replied, comparing the directions to the ones on the map that was opened up on her lap. "I think I am, I did pretty well at geography."

Olivia nodded absently, starting the car and sliding on her seatbelt. _I hope this is the one._

*******  
*******

St. Andrews was practically on another planet as far as Olivia was concerned. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, fearing that her ass was going to bond permanently to the driver's seat if she stayed in the car any longer. _She's only been gone for two days._ Olivia felt the corners of her mouth sag into a frown as she drove, oblivious to Doris' staring.

"I haven't told Ashlee because I don't know what to tell her." Doris uttered, hoping to ease the tension that was building in the car. "I don't think she'll take it very well and like I said, I don't have anyone that can stand with me and confirm it…"

"Do you think Ashlee will _really_ mind? She's a great kid…" Olivia replied, switching lanes effortlessly, mentally reminding herself to maintain the speed limit.

"Thank you. It's hard with kids, I'm telling you. They have…_preconceptions_ when it comes to their parents. The world can change all around them, they could lose friends, gain friends, get haircuts and get jobs but they're always our kids, we're always their parents. That's the only _real_ constant that we can give them and if WE change like the world and things around them…it just gets scary, they can't handle that kind of trauma let alone us. I know that Ashlee would understand but…I spent so much time pretending it wasn't anything serious that I almost lulled us into a sense of controlled chaos. I don't want her to hear it from someone else or worse, see me with someone…"

The hairs on Olivia's arms stood up. She remembered how good it felt to touch Natalia, breathe her in just before Rafe showed up. Her brow knit in thought as she tried to come up with a decent answer for Doris. Mercifully, Doris missed Olivia's change in mood.

"…I could easily explain it away but I think it would make me face it and tell her, this is who I am and I'm happy because of it. She'd understand. I'd like to think she would…kids can't deny you happiness." Doris concluded with a satisfied nod as Olivia pulled the car into an off ramp. Doris checked her map again. "Right. Should be maybe another fifteen minutes."

Olivia nodded absently, trying her best to block out the fear that was slowly gnawing at her the pit of her stomach. Doris' words hit her like a fist. _Kids can't deny you happiness. Rafe isn't a kid, he's acting like one and that's what he's doing. He's denying Natalia her happiness. I have to remind her…_The steeple of St. Andrew's Church loomed in the distance, the spire piercing the cloudy sky. _Suits the mood doesn't it?_ Olivia mused darkly, slowing the car down as fresh rain plopped heavily on the windshield.

"The weather sucks." Doris commented, leaning forward and peering out through the top most part of the windshield.

Olivia didn't respond as they pulled up alongside the rectory. She put the car in park and braced herself against the steering wheel, her eyes closed as she took a deep breath. She let it out slowly through her teeth. She reached around the back of the seat and pulled on her jacket, hoping that it would protect her from the chill that was slowly settling into her bones.

"Do you want me to go with you this time? Maybe I can help…" Doris offered, sliding her seatbelt off.

"No…it's okay." Olivia replied, giving Doris a weak smile.

Olivia had anticipated the nun, she was getting used to people of the cloth getting in her way, but her attitude was starting to grate on Olivia's already paper thin patience. She was stammering and stuttering and she thought for a moment that if she had been trying to get a job at the Beacon now, she would've fired herself and shredded the resume in no time.

"I just…I just need to see my friend okay? T-to talk, okay, it's important. Her name's Natalia, she has long dark hair, she's got a beautiful face is sh-she here?" Olivia implored, her hands moving frantically in front of her.

"I'm sorry but our retreats are based on confidentiality." replied Sister No Help, her own hands threaded before her.

"I understand but this is a family emergency." Olivia rebutted, her irritation seeping out.

"I'm sorry."

"Look, what if I told you that she's…in pain…that she's _suffering_ and that God himself sent me here to alleviate that pain, to show her the way because it's true?" Olivia asked, knowing she was reaching but not giving much of a damn at this point.

"My child, I have seen many angels. The Lord is telling me you're not one of them." She replied curtly.

Olivia's jaw went ridged. "I don't believe this." She muttered in disbelief. She turned off the stair and jogged back to the car grunting in frustration as she slammed herself back into her seat. Doris looked up from what she was doing.

"Ready to go?"

"No. No." Olivia barked, raking her hands through her hair. "Because I'm gonna be barred from the next place like I was this one and the one before that."

"Well. What're you gonna do?" Doris asked.

Olivia glared at the building as if her x-ray vision would kick in at any moment and allow her to see Natalia somewhere in the interior. "Watch me." Olivia growled. She closed her eyes before opening the door and stepping out of the car again.

"Olivia!" Doris called, opening her own door as she watched Olivia race back towards the rear entrance of the church.

*******

It was a blur, a mess of noise and a black curtain in front of her, barring her from the stairs. She heard Doris' heels come clattering up the path behind her as Olivia wrestled against a surprisingly strong Sister No Help. Olivia heard herself demand to go in and see Natalia as Sister No Help barked back a no but the refusal was overlapped by Doris yelling something about going to jail. Realizing that going up the stairs or getting past the nun wasn't planning on letting her through, Olivia backed away from the stairs and ran to the middle of the courtyard, completely bypassing a flabbergasted Doris.

"Natalia!" Olivia bellowed, her voice teetering between hysteria and composure, echoing off of the brick walls in the small courtyard. "I know you can hear me! Even if you're not here I know you can! Because I love you and you love me! And when two people love each other like this they shouldn't be kept apart!! And it's confusing and it's not easy but nothing worthwhile ever is so you come down here and you let me talk to you! You let me make you understand!! NATALIA!!!"

Doris' eyes practically rolled out of her head in shock. She and the nun had just bore witness to Olivia Spencer's complete and total melt down. She could tell that Olivia was in agony, her voice ragged with desperation as she screamed at the windows, demanding that someone who wasn't there show themselves. She didn't move a muscle, afraid that the slightest noise would cause Olivia to physically lash out when the origin of the noise wasn't Natalia. She waited, holding her breath and watching as Olivia's shoulders slumped, her hands covering her face as she cried silently into her hands. Doris stepped forward and placed her hands on Olivia's shoulders, guiding her back to the car.

Doris watched as Olivia stood alongside the car, her arms wrapped around herself, her face puffy. Doris rounded the front of the car, sliding in quietly, letting Olivia collect herself. After a moment, Olivia climbed back into the car, slamming the door and staring silently ahead of her.

"OK, next stop is Mother of Mercy. Now we can get there two different ways we can continue on this down highway nine or take this little access road over here," she pointed at the little black squiggly line on the map, and we can get the freeway." Doris shuffled the papers into order, hoping she was successfully convincing Olivia that she was un-phased by her meltdown. "Which way do you wanna go?" She looked up and was surprised to see that Olivia was looking at her before turning her gaze towards the dashboard.

"West." Olivia murmured, her voice sounding like sandpaper.

"West? West? That's like the totally wrong direction." Doris replied, double checking the papers again.

"I just want to go home."

"Home? Why?"

"Because I'm not…I'm not a fool. I just stood out there bellowing to the heavens like I'm in some Tennessee Williams play. I mean, what the hell?"

"What're you gonna do, you're just gonna give up you're not gonna try to find her?" Doris seemed more upset than Olivia was about it.

"She doesn't want to be found." Olivia spat bitterly.

"But what if…?"

"I don't want to be pathetic." Olivia replied, her voice breaking with emotion. She cleared her throat before continuing. "She pushed me away. I'm going home." She started the car without another word.

*********

Doris watched the scenery quietly having rolled up her bag of pretzels and shoving the printouts into the canvas bag with it. She couldn't stand the silence and didn't like the idea that she had nothing positive to say to Olivia to make the situation better. Her phone went off in her purse and she was grateful for the distraction. She rummaged through her purse to retrieve her phone as it rang, the sound slicing through the silence, causing Olivia to wince at the noise.

"Hello?" Doris answered, trying to cover her mouthpiece so that her conversation didn't hammer into Olivia's thoughts.

Olivia watched Doris with her peripheral vision, embarrassed that she had melted down like that and worse that Doris had been party to the entire thing. _Where are you? I mean come on! I made a complete ass of myself and for what? So that every time I'm near a church I wince and think, 'hey Olivia, remember that time you completely lost your head and did a damn fine impression of Stan Kowalski?' What did I do to you? What did I say? What can I do to make it better? Does it matter? Maybe it's better this way, maybe it's better that I just pretend that I never had this feeling to begin with and with time the entire nightmare will be over and it'll be like we never met, like I never knew you. Like I never loved you. Maybe that's why you left…it was always me…I loved you too much, too readily too openly and you…you're just…your heart wasn't in it the way mine is. Was. I have to learn to start cutting that out. I have to start cutting the things that hurt me out. I have to learn how to just operate and not feel anything._

"Olivia…?" Doris' voice broke into Olivia's dark thoughts.

"Yeah…" Olivia replied, broken from the grim reality she now faced.

"That was Dinah…Bill and Lizzie are getting married and they need someone to preside so…"

"What happened? Father Ray couldn't make that one either." Olivia asked, her tone acidic.

"Sort of…it's a last minute thing…" Doris replied, missing the joke.

"So are you granting me permission to speed with a government official in a civilian car?"

"Yes." Doris replied, making sure her seatbelt was on tight.

Olivia was grateful to speed, the sound of the engine picking as they sped down the highway back to Springfield. She wanted the roar of the engine to drown out the sound of the remains of her heart shattering underneath her ribcage. She knew it was going to happen, the inevitability of her love life ending in disaster not shocking her in the least because it had happened before, time and time again but she hoped that this time…_This time would be different. This time it felt like it was going to last, like it was real and it was permanent, even with the doubt and fear. It felt like I was finally worthy of someone…_She wiped at a stray tear drop that escaped her left eye.

**********

They pulled into city hall by night fall. Olivia dutifully lugged out Doris' luggage and stood awkwardly as Doris pulled her into a strong hug.

"You're coming to the wedding right? Dinah has Emma in as a flower girl…it's a secret though, so, no telling." Doris said, giving Olivia a hopeful thin-lipped smile.

"Yeah. I'll be there." Olivia replied, her voice sounding like lead to Doris' ears.

"It's going to be okay…who knows, maybe word will spread and she'll come back home in no time…" Doris offered optimistically. She took hold of the handle on her luggage and squeezed Olivia's shoulder. "Let me know if you need anything, okay? Thanks for the ride…"

"Yeah…" Olivia replied, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jeans as Doris walked across the parking lot towards her own car. "Hey, Doris?"

"Yeah?" Doris turned.

"Thanks. I mean it."

"I know you do. See you tomorrow."

*********

Olivia parked in front of the farmhouse, her headlights casting eerie shadows and light into the darkened house. She shut off the engine and sat in the silence of the car, the sounds of crickets hidden in the grass the only noise she heard for miles. She stared at the house, unnerved at the way the big empty windows stared back at her, challenging her. This had been her home for the last year and a half and now it felt abandoned and haunted; she thought she was visiting a grave rather than the house that made her feel alive for the first time. She missed how she could just walk into the house, find Natalia sitting in the kitchen or folding laundry in the living room and just feel like she didn't need anything more than that. She felt her eyes begin to water again and instead of fighting it, she let them fall, blurring her vision of the dark farmhouse.

She knew she shouldn't have given up today and she knew that that meltdown was par for the course but she need to do it. She needed to prove to herself as much as to Doris, to God and to the world at large that she was more than talk when it came to saying she was in love with Natalia; she was willing to fight for Natalia. She knew her place was back in Springfield…it was important that she stay put so that whenever Natalia came back home, she was right there, waiting for her, ready for her. _Ready for whatever decision she came to…_She had to bide her time because if she was out on the road looking for her and Natalia came back, didn't find her, she could think the worst and Olivia couldn't bear to break Natalia's heart like Natalia had broken hers. She feared missing her if she was out looking…Olivia was glad she came back, even if every piece of the town had Natalia's presence somewhere in there…even if it meant that every morning would be worse because Natalia wasn't here with her but it only meant that it brought her one day closer to the day she came home.

Olivia stuck her hand in her jacket pocket and dialed Natalia, already prepared for the voicemail that would uncouthly answer. She swallowed the lump that was in her throat hard before speaking. "It's me. I know you're busy…doing whatever it is you do on a retreat…or wherever you are but…I just want you to know that I love you…and I'm waiting for you."

She hung up before she broke down again.


	9. Fix You

**Fix You**

Natalia deals with the last things she said while trying to think of the right thing to do. I'm following the show as much as possible, of course pretending the pregnancy thing isn't happening but I'm willing to grin and bear it on TV. Hopefully, the format will be legible because I've been having uploading problems as of late. Scene changes will be marked off and of course, thanks for listening thanks for caring. I'm also having beef with FF and the number of uploads I'm allowed to do, so if anyone knows any awesome ways around that, shoot me a line.

Title: Coldplay-Fix You.

**********

**********

Natalia finished her breakfast alone in the cabin after successfully avoiding yet another group session that was congregating shortly after breakfast. She had been there for a week and had succeeded in avoiding nearly all of the activities she had promised Blake that she would go to in help empower herself. She managed to miss the groups as the headed out to the lake or the woods on a spirit walk, allowing her the chance to stock up on the things she needed for her creature comfort. She was turning into a hermit of sorts.

She was glad that Blake had helped stock her fridge but she relished not having to cook every meal so she only had the groceries when depression prevented her from leaving the cabin. She washed the plates out in the sink, resolving to return the china and silverware back when she went in for lunch. Or dinner. Whenever it was her stomach craved for something. She dried her hands on the fronts of her jeans, longing to be in her own kitchen instead of the small kitchenette that she was standing in.

_But I can't go back. _She frowned and rubbed her palms together, her eyes scanning the off white countertop as she thought of something to keep her occupied. When she found that there was nothing to do in the kitchenette, she walked back to the bed and sat on the edge, her eyes resting on her phone. She bit her bottom lip, wondering how many phone calls she'd missed from Olivia today. _She probably stopped calling._ She reached for the phone, a heavy sigh escaping her lips as the screen read NO SERVICE. She pressed for messages and read through the text messages Olivia had sent her before she left. Her heart stopped as she re-read the heartfelt messages Olivia had left her, imagining them being read to her, Olivia's voice filling her head. Natalia cringed at the thought that those were the last things Olivia had sent her, the last things she meant before…_Before I broke her heart._ She closed her eyes and pushed the thoughts out of her head. _You have to think about what you need for yourself. You have to think of what's best for you._ She placed the phone on the nightstand and stared ahead of her, her eyes traveling the length of the hardwood floor towards the small picture window that overlooked the brook outside. She watched the trees as they swayed in the summer breeze. _I wonder how long until she gives up altogether? Maybe she already has…maybe she got over it…maybe Rafe was right, it was just an itch._ A knock on the door startled her out of her dark musing. She brushed at her eyes, hoping they weren't as puffy as they felt and stood up to answer.

She wasn't expecting the person who stood there, dark Aviator shades taking up most of the tanned face. The girl at the door wore denim shorts cut just below the knee and a dark blue polo shirt, dark brown hair tied back into a ponytail. For a brief moment, Natalia thought it was Olivia as a teenager. "Hi…" she breathed, the sight still taking her off guard.

"Hey. Natalia Rivera?" she asked, pulling the shades off and resting them on top of her head.

"Yes…" Natalia stood in the doorway, frozen in place. She had ice blue eyes, much different from Olivia's sea green.

"You're a tough one to find." The girl replied with a smirk, her arms folding across her chest and leaning against the doorframe. She had a black backpack slung casually over her left shoulder. It looked full of camping supplies. Natalia swallowed hard.

"Oh…I…" Natalia fumbled for an answer, her eyes dropping to the floor. She had Olivia's mannerisms. _God is punishing me. _"I'm not hiding…"

"It's okay. A lot of people hate the group thing…" she offered with a nod. "My name is Sydney." She held out her right hand to Natalia, bridging the gap between them. "Nice to finally match the face to the name."

Natalia gaped at the girl in front of her. She looked up from the ground to Sydney's outstretched hand, took it and shook. "Hi Sydney…" she managed. "I'm sorry…come in…" she stepped back from the door and let Sydney into the cabin. "I…it's not that I hate group things…" Natalia began, closing the door behind Sydney and suppressing a gasp; Sydney was almost exactly Olivia's height, maybe taller.

"Everything alright?" Sydney asked, her brows knitting in concern.

"Yeah…yes…" Natalia shook her head, trying to shake some semblance of normalcy back into her. "You just look like someone I know."

"Good to know you've got good looking friends. You were saying you weren't avoiding the group activities…" Sydney offered, her hands tucked into the pockets of her jeans.

"Oh. Yeah. I don't hate the group projects it's just…well…I was hoping that I would…I could find answers on my own…My problems are really bigger than whether the raft I'm building is going to float on the lake…"

"You think so?" Sydney asked, her head tilted to the left as she eyed Natalia curiously. "I've learned some pretty useful things from that exercise."

Natalia's face blanched. "Oh I didn't mean to…"

"No no, its fine. I don't make up the activities; I just help people do them."

Natalia wrapped her arms around herself and let out a sharp exhalation of air. Her shoulders slumped and she looked at Sydney who was watching her expectantly. "I'm sorry…I'm…having a hard time with life right now."

"That's why most people come here, to sort themselves out." Sydney replied, watching Natalia's face. "I came here because I wanted to see if you're doing okay on your own…most people tend to avoid the group stuff thinking they can handle whatever it is on their own but all it does it just compound the problem…" She looked around the room, noticing how Natalia had meticulously controlled the chaos in her head by controlling the look of the cabin. She kept her clothes in her bag at all times, almost as if she hadn't unpacked and was planning to leave at any moment. "Planning a big escape?"

Natalia frowned at the sound of her name. She watched as Sydney casually took in the cabin. _She knows I'm freaked out._ "No. I already did that once…I'm being honest, it's a lot."

"Do I strike you as someone who can't handle a little story?" Sydney asked, "I work in a place where everyone has to spill their story to someone at some point. You've been here a week."

Natalia bit her lip and studied Sydney intently. _She looks a lot like Olivia…God…I'm really being punished. _"Well…my boss…Blake Marler…she…she noticed I wasn't feeling very well the last few days so she brought me up here to relax."

"I know that part. She calls constantly to make sure you're doing okay. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I wouldn't know since you're always scurrying in and out of mess hall before I can get to you." Sydney replied with a flash of a smile, revealing straight white teeth.

"Oh."

"What she _didn't _tell me, is what was making you feel so bad which is where you get to fill in the blanks."

Natalia nodded absently. She hadn't moved from her place by the door, her arms still wrapped around herself. "It's complicated."

Sydney shrugged. "I like a good mystery."

Natalia weighed her options. She could talk about the situation, she _needed _to get it off her chest but she was looking at someone who looked so much like Olivia it hurt her to breathe. Natalia felt as though she was going to confess her every fear, every worry and regret to Olivia herself, albeit a younger version of her. She feared laying herself bare before a total stranger and yet she knew that if she didn't say it now, she'd never find the strength to go home. She looked up from the floor toward Sydney, who stood with her hands in her pockets, watching Natalia's face intently. It hurt Natalia to see the concern in those deep blue eyes set into the face of someone who looked so much like Olivia. "Okay." Natalia mustered, nodding absently.

"Good. Let's go out for a walk, it's a nice day out." Sydney offered. "Promise I won't drag you to the lake for the raft race."

Natalia gave a weak smile and crossed to the bed, picking up her cell phone out of old habit. She clutched it tight in her left hand before slipping it into the right pocket of her jeans. She joined Sydney as she stood at the open door, left hand on the knob. "Thanks…" Natalia mumbled as Sydney held the door open for her.

*********

Natalia found it hard to keep up with Sydney as she climbed easily over the large fallen tree branches that littered the trail they were on. It was difficult to keep her mind focused as her mind was filled with memories of the last time she was on a trail like this with an over-exuberant brunette. She stopped mid-step and watched as Sydney ambled back, her shades back over her eyes. "Sorry…I…I can't keep up." Natalia apologized, grimacing as she massaged her aching left calf. "I'm a city kid." Her mind flashed back to the walk she and Olivia went on at the spa; it was forever ago.

"So am I." Sydney replied.

Natalia looked up in disbelief at Sydney. "Impossible."

"I've been working here long enough to build up a woodsy stamina." Sydney offered with a shrug. She held out a bottle of water to Natalia, who took it gratefully and chugged a mouthful. "Besides, this is to get you thinking, formulate your thoughts and that way, when we get to where we're going, you can tell me everything you need to say out loud, without fear of other's judgment."

Natalia capped the bottle and straightened up. She watched her own puzzled reflection in Sydney's shades. She was glad she couldn't see those piercing blue eyes. "I'm not afraid of other people's judgment."

"Then what are you afraid of?"

Natalia dodged the question by stepping over the large branch between them and continuing ahead on the trail.

"Guess that means everything." Sydney muttered under her breath, jogging to catch up with Natalia.

********

The trail went uphill for a few paces before evening out again. Natalia was grateful that Sydney had slowed down her pace to short strides, allowing her to keep in time with the guide. She listened to the sounds of their sneakers as they crunched along the trail and the birds singing in the trees. She could understand where Blake had found peace here; she could understand how she might find peace here.

"Goes a little uphill from here, think you can handle that?" Sydney asked quietly, stopping in the middle of the trail.

"As long as you're not planning to sprint up, I think I'll manage." Natalia replied with a small nod. She was feeling better already, her mind clearing and her blood pumping.

"Deal." Sydney started on the trail again, whistling tunelessly as they walked. "What city are you from?" She asked suddenly, glancing over at Natalia whose forehead was slick with sweat. Sydney paused mid-stride, opened up the backpack and handed her a fresh bandana. Natalia took it gratefully and wiped her sweaty brow.

"Chicago originally." Natalia replied.

"And now?"

"Springfield."

"Oh yeah? That's not too far from here."

Natalia nodded. She concentrated on her breathing as the incline became steeper. She picked out her footsteps carefully, watching the ground for loose rocks and branches. _I could tell her. I should tell her. There's nothing wrong with being honest with someone who wants to help…I need to start sorting everything out so that I can just get home. Get my life back. _"What about you?"

"New York."

"New York?!" Natalia exclaimed. "What're you doing out here?"

"Work, obviously." Sydney teased. "I wanted a break so I came here."

"Wow. Big break."

"No kidding." Sydney joked. "Almost there." She nodded to the top of the incline that seemed to end at nothing. Natalia braced herself.

They reached the top of the hill which leveled off to a flat thicket surrounded by trees. The trail forked off into different directions, the one on the farthest right of them leading downhill towards the lake. Natalia let out a rush of air as they stood in the space before chugging the rest of the water. She gulped the last of the water gratefully and wiped the back of her neck with the bandana. She looked around the space appreciatively and found a large boulder to sit on. She braced her elbows on her knees, letting her head lull between her shoulders.

"Feels good doesn't it?" Sydney asked, opening up the backpack and pulling out sandwiches wrapped in tinfoil. "Beats hiding in your cabin." She held out one of the sandwiches.

Natalia took it and held the sandwich in her lap, watching as Sydney bit into her own sandwich. "You had this planned."

"Mhm." Sydney replied with a mouthful of turkey and Swiss. "I promised you that you'd have to open up sometime."

Natalia shifted her eyes away from Sydney, looking at the dirt that caked the bottoms and sides of her sneakers. Her mind wandered to Olivia, the way she beamed at her the last time she was in the woods on a trail like this. She pictured Olivia in front of her, the way she pulled Natalia possessively towards her, just to fix the front of her jacket. Natalia imagined Olivia's deep sea green eyes boring into her, committing her to memory, shivering at the intimacy of the contact. She couldn't imagine not having Olivia in her life, the thought that she _could_ endure it making her feel ill again. She felt her stomach twist up into a tight knot and settle in the pit of her torso. An angry heat welled up behind her eyes, causing them to water and she was glad that she was looking down at the ground. She felt the tears welling up as she stared unblinkingly at the sun bleached tan dirt. Natalia's vision blurred and thick heavy tears plopped onto the tops of her shoes and onto the dirt, making the dirt muddy in the spots where her tears landed. She hated herself. She hated herself for being weak, for being indecisive and for being stupid. _Why did I think this could work??! Why did I let myself think that it would be okay if I just left?!_ She mentally berated herself as her teardrops plopped soundlessly into the dirt at her feet. She felt an arm snake around her shoulder and she flinched. She had forgotten that Sydney was even there.

For the second time since she had left, she was crying in someone else's arms and it felt strange. Her body understood that she needed the comfort, wanted the comfort that came from someone just holding her while her body was racked with sobs. It felt foreign to have someone other than Olivia this close to her and despite the fact that Sydney bore a shocking resemblance to Olivia, she couldn't bring herself to look up or even acknowledge that Sydney was sitting next to her. She felt her body longing to curl up into Sydney's arms but her mind screamed at her not to. _She looks too much like Olivia._ She didn't want to lose herself in the wrong arms. She tried calming herself down, gulping a lungful of air and exhaling it in a gush but that only made her lungs ache. She wished Sydney had left her alone and just let her make blind promises to Blake about how she was doing. She wished she hadn't left Springfield; that she had gone to the barbecue and just endured Rafe's disdain with Olivia's presence. She wished she was as strong as Olivia believed her to be. She grits her teeth drawing her full lips into a hard line. She let out a gust of wind through her nose and looked up from the ground.

"I'm in love with my best friend and I don't know how to deal with it." Natalia said firmly, staring ahead of her.

*******  
*******

Sydney rubbed Natalia's shoulders, watching her profile as she stared at the oak tree across from where they sat. Natalia's face was smooth, emotionless as she stared at the thick tree trunk for heartbeats. She didn't move when Sydney touched her, which was a good thing but it might also mean Natalia had checked out. The sun filtered through the trees, tossing shadows across Natalia's features and along where they sat. Sydney was unsure how to proceed with this conversation, fearing asking the wrong question would force to her clam up and ask to go back to her cabin.

"What do you mean you don't know how to deal it? Tell me about your best friend." Sydney said, shifting from the uncomfortable edge of the boulder Natalia sat on to the ground where she had laid out a blanket into a rectangle that fit the length of her body. She brought her knees up to her chest, her arms wrapping around them as she waited for Natalia to speak.

Natalia wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands, sniffling as she regained composure. She bit her lower lip and looked down at Sydney, who had removed her shades and had them tucked into the collar of her polo shirt, ice blue eyes locked on her own dark brown eyes. "It's complicated…I'm telling you."

"You know what's complicated?" Sydney asked, her head cocked to the right. "Rubik's Cube. THAT'S complicated."

The corners of Natalia's mouth tugged into a phantom smile. "Think of this as a big Rubik's Cube then. With people instead of colors."

"I can work with that." Sydney replied, reopening her tinfoil sandwich. "Eat."

"It's rude to talk with your mouth full." Natalia replied, looking at her lap, surprised the sandwich had stayed put.

"I'm waiving manner rule today. Go. Start."

Natalia pulled the tinfoil apart gingerly, trying to find the right way to start the story. As she racked her brain for a beginning thread, it suddenly dawned on her that she had no idea when it was that she'd fallen in love with Olivia, all she knew was that she had and it felt good. "I don't know where to start." She admitted finally with a shrug before taking a hearty bite out of the sandwich.

"You're bluffing."

"I'm not."

Sydney eyed Natalia quizzically through narrowed eyes. "Yes you are. I told you Natalia, I'm not judging you, if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm not."

"Then what are you afraid of?"

_She's impossible like Olivia._ "You remind me so much of my friend…"

"Good or bad?"

Natalia sighed. "Good."

"Okay. That's good. That's comforting. Answer the question. What are you afraid of?"

Natalia frowned, eyeing the sandwich and the way she'd torn into it so hungrily. Her appetite suddenly waned. She picked at the edges of the tinfoil, avoiding Sydney's gaze. She answered finally. "Everything. I'm afraid of everything."

Sydney nodded.

Natalia watched the way the leaves on the tree farthest from them fluttered in the warm breeze. "I'm afraid that God doesn't understand…doesn't like what I'm feeling."

"What are you feeling?"

Natalia's eyes flicked from the leaves to Sydney as she watched her intently. She was right, she wasn't judging her, she was listening. She sighed and pulled at a piece of the bread, popping it into her mouth before speaking. "My friend and I hated each other almost two years ago. I mean HATED each other. I really hadn't done anything…" she tried to find an adjective to describe Olivia without using the pronoun 'her' or 'she'. "My son and I were new in Springfield…"

"You have a son?" Sydney interrupted incredulously.

"Yes. Rafe. He's 19 now. I had him when I was 16…"

Sydney nodded, her brows knit together as she did the math. "Wow."

Natalia nodded. "He was 16 when we arrived in Springfield…it wasn't easy for either of us. I was working a few jobs to make ends meet, same as I had done back in Chicago and his father, Gus, was in Springfield…Once we found each other, it was like the puzzle pieces fit together and after all those years, everything made sense." She tore herself another piece of the sandwich and popped it into her mouth.

"I'm not seeing the complication by the way."

Natalia glared at Sydney. "Gus had someone else."

"Your now friend-then enemy?"

"No. Harley…" Natalia frowned at the memory. She had no idea what happened to Harley after Gus died. "Then my friend entered the picture. She wanted Gus too…" Natalia cringed as the word slipped from her lips and waited for Sydney to jump on the pronoun. She sighed in relief when Sydney said nothing. "She almost had him too…Gus and I were going to get married and…I locked her in a bathroom. I had no idea that that day she scheduled to have a doctor's visit. She…had a bad heart at the time. I should've known then…" she stared at the toes of her dirty sneakers, pulling another chunk of sandwich and popping it into her mouth. "Gus would've done anything for her and he did…I let him. I told him to make her feel special before the end. He did so much for her and I was so jealous of it…but I didn't know how much time she had left and I knew I had forever with him. What was a small sacrifice? He was torn and I knew it was my fault. My friend was engaged to another man, Jeffery…she didn't want to die alone and I couldn't really blame her, y'know? She wasn't getting the heart she needed to live and…" Natalia stiffened up, her eyes watering suddenly. _Imagine she never got Gus' heart? Imagine she just died that day and Gus had lived? Your life would be different._ She grimaced at the honest venom that bubbled in her heart and mind. "Gus was in an accident. He was trying to get to the hospital to see my…my friend." Natalia couldn't bring herself to say Olivia's name out loud. "When I got there, Harley was there and…it was awkward. He wanted us both there and I didn't want anyone else but him. He. He died and I was given a stack of paperwork to do and I don't know…I…" she looked down at her palms and the half eaten sandwich as it sat in her lap, staring up at her. "I just signed everything and one of the forms I signed was for an organ transplant. I had no idea. I said good bye to him and…then they gave her his heart."

"Your friend?" Sydney breathed, her voice rapt with attention.

"Yes. I had given her his heart and at first, I couldn't believe it. How _cruel_ could God be that someone as…as…_cold_ as she was could have his heart just like that, with the flick of a pen? She had no idea whose heart she had and when she found out…She wanted to kill herself. I couldn't let her. She has two daughters and she had his heart and I couldn't loose the last thing I had of him. I wouldn't let her leave when he gave up everything to give her that gift." Natalia's eyebrows knit together, her deep brown eyes lost in a sea of memories. "So I forced her to live. I forced her to face the fact that she had a second chance and that I was the reason she had that. She hated it. I hated it. I hated knowing that he had to die for her to live. The funny thing was, the first time she found out she had a heart condition? I was the one who found her passed out in her room. She was nice to me at that moment and I could see the fact that buried somewhere in there was a good person…She hid that part of her well." Natalia remembered the way Olivia looked at her with fear in her eyes; she thought Emma had been grabbed by Phillip. She thought about how in that moment, in that instant she'd been brought into Olivia's world. _Maybe it happened right there?_ "In any case, I worked in the hotel she managed as a maid so it made it easy for me to keep an eye on her. I would bring her meals, make sure she was taking her antibiotics and keep the room tidy." She blushed and popped the next to last piece of sandwich in her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully before continuing. "She hated me being there, encouraging her to live and get better but she was stubborn…stubborn about all the wrong things. Until one day, she just gave up and let me take care of her."

Sydney gaped at Natalia. "That's it."

"It gets more complicated."

"It had better. I think I solved one side of the cube."

Natalia nodded.

"So you fell in love with the friend that hated you. That's not complicated. It's that opposites attract thing."

"It gets complicated." Natalia re-iterated. "Can I have some water?"

Sydney held out another water bottle wordlessly, waiting for the complications to start. Natalia took a deep swallow of the slightly chilled water and handed the bottle back to Sydney, wiping her lips with the back of her hand. "She asked me to work for her as her personal assistant and after she had a heart attack convincing me why it was important for me to take the job, I said yes."

"You gave her a heart attack?"

"Well…she was doing more work than she needed to…she overworked herself…It scared me though. Seeing her like that…" Natalia shuttered. "I remembered that we had a defibrillator at Company, one of the places I worked in and Remy, he's an EMT and an ex, revived her. The doctors' had to put in a pacemaker…I. I didn't want to lose her." _Maybe that's when it happened?_ "We lived together, we worked together…we…we raised her daughter together…"

"So wait, what happened to Rafe?"

Natalia blushed. "He shot the D.A. and wound up going to prison. I guess I should mention that he was the one my friend was supposed to marry…" She wasn't exactly proud of this part of her life. The numerous times she had failed Rafe. "I couldn't afford a lawyer and my friend arranged to help pay for one for him…that didn't go over very well because he wanted to sleep with me…and for a moment I was going to let him to save my son. She…she knew where I was and showed up just in time…like…like a superhero." _Maybe that was when it happened?_

Sydney shook her head in disbelief.

"Anyway, her daughter wrote and essay on how she had two mommies and…it freaked her out…my friend I mean. The town got a little weirded out by the whole thing because looking back at it now, I guess I could see where it looked strange. Here we were, two women who hated each other who lived together, worked together…we were a team and Emma…Emma just saw it the way it was. Two moms taking care of the house." She seemed wistful at this point, staring down at the tinfoil she'd wadded up into a ball in her right hand, the sharp aluminum leaving little jabs in her palm as she squeezed. "She went drinking and came back and she said something to me…about my eyes and smile. It caught me off guard and I was flattered. I'd been complimented before but…from her…it…it was more than a compliment it was like she was trying to tell me something and was afraid of what it would come out like."

"Who went drinking? Emma or your friend?"

"Huh?"

"You said she went drinking after talking about Emma…did Emma go on a bender?"

"OH! OH No!" Natalia exclaimed, embarrassed. "Olivia."

"So _that's_ her name." Sydney said with a nod.

Natalia nodded. She had uttered her name out loud and she shivered. _Olivia…_She moistened her lips with her tongue. "Yes." Her body hummed as she prepared to recount the memory that had haunted her the most. "Olivia was upset about what she thought the parents were saying about us. She…was avoiding saying the obvious thing…"

"That they thought you were lovers."

Natalia nodded. "She seemed frantic like…if she didn't do something to make me understand that she would explode. So she quit talking, grabbed my face and kissed me." Natalia stopped and glanced at Sydney who sat opened mouthed on the ground at her feet.

"Wow."

"It was strong and it was warm and it was sweet…she poured everything in that kiss and I was so stunned I let her do it, I let her kiss me until it dawned on me that _she was kissing me._ I pulled away but I could still taste her on my lips and feel her on my skin…" As if on cue, goose bumps appeared on the backs of Natalia's arms. "I didn't know why she kissed me…like _that_. It was confusing. I'd only ever kissed men my entire life and felt no attraction towards women and here I was, completely taken off guard by someone who just…just clicked in my head. It _scared_ me."

"Why did it scare you? Obviously the two of you have a strong connection…"

"I'm Catholic." Natalia blurted out.

"So am I? What's your point?"

Natalia worked the tin foil ball into a tighter ball, her knuckles going white as she crushed it into an oval. "It's wrong. I knew it was. I knew it was wrong that I used Frank to get over my feelings for Olivia."

"Frank? Who's Frank?"

"My ex-fiancé. Before he was my fiancé, I…I slept with him to get over Olivia. We were both in grief for different reasons. A family member of his died, Coop, and and we just both wanted to forget things and one thing led to another and I slept with him. I used him."

Sydney blinked for a moment, shifting her weight back and resting on her elbows, her legs stretched out in front of her. "So you slept with Frank to forget Olivia."

"Yes. It was wrong. I knew it and I went back home. I couldn't face her, I couldn't deal with it. All day she was making jokes about getting laid and smirking at me like she knew something. I just couldn't take it anymore and I just told her. When I said it…when I heard myself say it I saw her heart break and I couldn't understand why. See, Olivia…Olivia is…was…considered a man-eater. She's been married and divorced so many times…I don't know if she ever really loved them. I'm sure she did but she never talks about those things with me. When I told her I slept with Frank she looked so crushed."

"Natalia." Sydney said. "I think she's in love with you too."

"She is." Natalia replied with a simple shrug of her shoulders. She bit the inside of her cheek glumly, thinking about Olivia and how she admitted how happy she was to be around her, time and time again.

"What's the problem?"

"The problem is that we never said it until much later…like at my wedding."

"Wait. Wedding? What wedding?"

"Frank proposed to me and Olivia pushed me to say yes."

"That must've been the clue, Natalia!" Sydney exclaimed. "She was pushing you to do something to see if you'd follow your heart. You obviously care deeply for her."

"I said yes because I thought it was the right thing."

"For God."

Natalia nodded solemnly. "Olivia had already given me so much…She helped me realize my dream of having a home of my own, a family…she helped me with Rafe and the legal costs…When I accepted Frank's proposal, she moved out of the house, even though it was the only thing either of us had remotely resembling a family. She gave me strength and confidence and I felt all of that crumbling away the moment I said yes to Frank. Could you believe that she bought me the wedding dress and planned the shower?"

"Yeah, I could. Sounds like she'd do anything for you"

"It was killing her…but I couldn't stop it…because…"

"You were afraid of what everyone would think?"

"I was afraid of everything." Natalia admitted with a defeated shrug.

"Sounds like you still are."

"She said some of the most beautiful, heartfelt things at the shower. I could see it in her eyes. They're this…this beautiful sea green and every time she looks at me I'm paralyzed. She doesn't have to say anything to me, just, look at me and I know everything she wants me to know. What she said to me…drunk as she was…just scared me because she was wishing all these good things for Frank and I and all I could hear was her saying good bye to me over and over again.

"Frank is a good man. He…he arranged for Rafe to be released from prison early for good behavior. Rafe was in a half-way house and I would have him home in no time. I rushed the wedding just to get to that and I completely missed the way Olivia's demeanor changed. It was like I had slapped her. It was a rush then…she disappeared and when I was on my way to the church I found her crying at Gus' grave. She wouldn't tell me why she was so upset, she kept babbling about how I had to get to the church on time and how I had to have my things together to marry my groom…" Natalia's eyes watered. "There she was, this strong, brave woman, crying and begging me to leave her alone when I asked her, forced her, to tell me why she was crying. She looked at me and…time stopped, everything stopped and she just blurted out that she was in love with me." She paused and reached for the water bottle again, drinking slowly.

"And?" Sydney urged.

"I didn't know what to say. She pushed me and dragged me to the church and the last piece fell into place."

"Which was?"

"Frank and I had a meeting with Father Ray before the wedding and Frank said something that caught me off guard. He told me that Olivia had planned a surprise dinner at the farmhouse awhile ago…I should've known. Olivia knew exactly what I liked from Company and ordered it and I guess asked Frank to come by and take the credit." Natalia wiped at the corners of her eyes with the bandana.

"She told you at Gus' grave she was in love with you and Frank says that _she_ arranged a date for the two of you?" Sydney asked incredulously. "She practically hit you over the head with it."

Natalia blushed. "She hit me over the head with the kiss."

"Not hard enough apparently."

Natalia chuckled, the sound coming from deep in her chest. It felt strange to laugh. "She'd agree with you."

"That's a good thing. So. Where is the complication? Are you married to Frank or what?"

"No. I left him at the alter. I couldn't do it. Rafe told me he wanted me to be happy, Frank had just admitted that he had nothing to do with the romantic gestures that Olivia had arranged…Olivia told me that she was in love with me and there I am, in God's house completely torn to pieces. She was my Maid of Honor and she held out the ring to me…she was crying but they weren't tears of joy. They were regret. She regretted pushing me to the alter. To make matters worse, Doris, the mayor was presiding over the whole thing because something came up that Father Ray couldn't do it. She kept stalling and hinting at something and giving Olivia looks…like…like she was trying to get her to object to the wedding.

"I almost fainted when Olivia blurted out 'No…body objects.' I thought she was going to save me from myself and I realized that I had to do it myself so I ran.

"I knew she was going to follow me and it was funny because the sky had been so strange all day and when I was out on the gazebo…the gazebo Gus dedicated to Olivia only a year before, it was snowing. There had to be foot already on the ground. She followed me and I just couldn't hold it back. I told her that I couldn't marry Frank because I was in love with her."

Sydney gaped again.

"I left Frank at the alter for her and we were both at a loss because where did we go from there? Frank wasn't going to give me up and Olivia was far more afraid of this," she held up her hands plaintively "than I was. She told me that she had been fighting the feelings for so long, she knew how bad it could get with people judging or making comments. I have no idea when it stopped being just a friendship…when we stopped being roommates and co-workers to…"

"Lovers?" Sydney offered.

"I wouldn't know. We never found a word for it."

"I see." Sydney replied with a slow nod.

"Frank found me with Olivia at the gazebo and Olivia told him that I couldn't marry him because I was still upset over Gus. All that and she still covered for me. After that, she walked away and I couldn't deal with her not being around me…I missed her more than I missed Frank more than I missed anything because it was like her leaving me there in the snow, she was cutting off something so vital to me.

The next day, Emma had a play and I went to visit them in their apartment. I just, let myself in, old habit I guess. I didn't expect Olivia standing there with Emma and I didn't anticipate how distant she was with me. She practically changed from the woman I knew to the woman I used to hate. We stood there in Emma's classroom, silently arguing over what was right and what was wrong and the only thing we agreed on was that it was right, it felt good to be the way we felt around each other. We talked it out, reasoned it out, rationalized it and tried to pretend it never happened but I knew, I _knew_ once you said those words, they can't be unsaid or taken back.

She took my hands and held them and all I could see was her. I was drowning in her and I never told her right then and there. It terrifies me how easily I can say that. Feel it. Think it. I wanted to kiss her and Frank showed up. It startled me and I jumped back from her like she was a stove and I burnt my hand on her. Frank told me that Rafe had to go to the halfway house earlier because the wedding didn't happen. I went with Frank to get Rafe and I glanced over at her, she…her face changed. Like ice melted. I went to church with Rafe and we prayed together. Then he left with Frank and I just…I just waited and when I was leaving Olivia and Emma were coming up to the church. Olivia is _the least_ religious person I know so seeing her there shocked me. She was there for me.

We were just sitting in the pew, I was praying and Olivia just…she just sat there and I could feel her glancing at me, watching me over Emma's head and I felt something move me…maybe it was courage maybe it was the fact that I was willing to give this a chance and follow my heart. I reached over and took her hand. She's so soft…She asked me what I was doing and I told her that we were being together and I swear she…she melted in my hand." She smiled at the memory, her own hands clutched together. "We went to dinner and it was odd to be there together under new circumstances. We didn't know how to act around each other…"

"It was your first date. It happens." Sydney replied with a grin.

"I guess so…we both wanted so badly to touch. I could see it in her eyes and I guess she could see it in mine. I was still so nervous, so scared. I. I don't know my limits with her to be honest.

"It was so perfect. I dreamed of her, thought about her, I wanted to be around her all the time. I missed her more than ever, especially since I only saw her at work now. I regretted letting her move out. It was all so…perfect."

Sydney watched Natalia's face crease with worry lines. Her eyes scanned the ground carefully as she absently picked at the tin foil ball in her palm.

"One day Frank was at a bar and he got into a fight with Doris' bodyguards after he found out about Olivia and I. We went to the hospital with him and…I heard him accusing her of diluting my mind, tricking me into this. I told him that I chose her over him. I told him that it felt right being with Olivia." Natalia's eyes caught Sydney's, holding her gaze. "I never felt so good saying that out loud. Even as I watched him go, I knew that was the right thing to do. I followed my heart and everything made sense." Natalia dropped Sydney's gaze and stood up from the boulder. She stared ahead of her, silent, her shoulders squared.

"Your life. Should be a soap opera." Sydney mused, turning on her rear and following Natalia with her eyes as she paced absently in the clearing.

Natalia laughed heartily. It sounded strange to her ears. "Yeah, I bet _tons_ of people would tune in for that."

"You'd be surprised." Sydney replied with a smirk. "So you told her you'd what? Be her girlfriend? Be together?"

Natalia shrugged. "We mean the world to one another…we never got into the specifics of titles."

"Ah." Sydney nodded. She dug into the backpack and pulled out a bottle of water, taking a deep swig. "So essentially you're with each other in terms of being on the same page. Have you tried to figure it out? Outside of her kid's classroom I mean."

"We tried figuring it out actually. She brought me to a spa. My first real spa trip and it was amazing. It was a place like this, just out in the valley…I'd never seen her so…full of life. She picked a perfect room and I was scared when the concierge said that we had only one room. We would have to share a bed. It terrified me because we had been in bed before, together, but with Emma and it was always during movie nights. We fought about the stupidest thing and she…she insulted me by saying that instead of this spa trip, we should've gone on a religious retreat.

I wanted to leave so badly because it just _hurt._ She didn't know what I was going through, how my faith is part of me and it's not something I can give up easily. It thought, well if she could say something like that, what chance did we stand as a…an item? I wanted to be with her but I could see that she was still a fighter and she wasn't being understanding to my fears. I started to pack and she started to pack and we looked ridiculous in the hotel room, stuffing our clothes back into the bags in a fit, determined to leave before the other and then she stopped. She apologized and she told me she just wanted to make this work. The next thing I know, we're on a trail like this and she was skipping around and pulling me towards her…It was perfect."

"Forgive me for saying, but, where does the complication come in?"

"What?"

"The complication. So far, I get that you and Olivia are madly in love with each other, haven't done anything further than the steamy stolen kiss and hand holding. Where's the complication? You're afraid of judgment but realistically, you haven't _done_ anything to incur disapproval." Sydney ticked off the list on her fingers.

"The complication is that it's OLIVIA! She's…she's a drinker, lacks faith, she challenges everything and everybody. We _fight._ She's impossible and stubborn."

"And you're in love with her despite all of that."

Natalia grimaced. _Now I'm just making excuses._

"There's nothing wrong with that. You're supposed to love someone with their flaws and all…"

"My son hates her."

Sydney stopped mid-sentence.

"That's the complication. That's the problem. He saw us. Together." Natalia replied as she turned to face Sydney, her body blocking the sunlight from Sydney's face. Natalia folded her arms across her chest, a frown tugging at the corners of her lips.

"What do you mean, saw you together? What were you doing?" Sydney asked.

"It was harmless, we were just…staring at each other on the porch of the house. Olivia thought it'd be a great idea to celebrate Rafe's new job and the good things that were going on in our lives. She had a glass of champagne and she was giving me a sip from her glass…it…it was cute."

"How did Rafe get out of the half way house? Wasn't he supposed to stay for longer than he did?"

"Frank had arranged for his release from the half way house and he came home with me. There was a hearing and the request was almost denied, even after I said that I had a good home for him. Frank…Frank stepped up and offered his mentorship for Rafe and he was released. He had such a hard time adjusting to life back home…Olivia would stop by with Emma to visit…she…she wanted to move back home and I was so close to saying yes because I missed her so much."

"So he what? Freaked out?"

"Yes. Wouldn't you if you caught your parents doing something you NEVER wanted to see them do?"

"Drinking? I wouldn't give a rat's ass."

Natalia's jaw dropped. "You wouldn't care? At all. You wouldn't be full of questions or or wondering why they were…"

"Drinking and celebrating my success? No. As long as they weren't planning on drinking and driving…or bringing beer, it wouldn't be an issue." Sydney answered with a shrug. "Did you talk to him at least? Explain what was going on?"

Natalia made an imperceptible nod with her head. "I tried."

"Trying isn't doing."

Natalia let out an exasperated gust of air she hadn't realized she was holding. She ran her hands through her hair, raking it up into a sloppy ponytail with her eyes closed. "That's the worst thing to tell someone who's trying to make things better for themselves."

"No it's not. Yoda told Luke and I'm telling you. Do. Or Do not. There is no try." Sydney stood up and leaned against the boulder Natalia had been sitting on, stretching her legs as she sat. Natalia blushed as she watched the fluidity of Sydney's movements; she was graceful in the same way Olivia was. She felt a pang in her heart. "What exactly did you tell him?"

Natalia searched her memory for the words, hoping she'd be able to find them and repeat them with the same conviction she'd had with Rafe outside of the house. She shoved her hands in her pockets, becoming fascinated with the dirt that collected in the grooves of her sneakers. "He was upset. He kept asking me to tell him it was just a…just an itch that I needed to scratch." She spoke to the ground in an even tone. She looked up slowly at Sydney, her face etched into concern. "He thought that this was happening to me because she had something on me, like, I don't know money or a job. He said that it was sympathy pangs with Olivia having Gus' heart. He was afraid for my soul…"

"Afraid for your soul?"

"Because of the time we spent in church. He called me a hypocrite." Natalia's mouth twisted into a thin line, her eyes watering at the memory. "Because I had spent so much time with him in church, with him in prayer and believing the church so much and all of a sudden…I just threw it away. It hurt him to see that I wasn't as firm in my belief the way I taught him to be. Like I didn't care about my soul or my beliefs. I told him that he didn't understand that it wasn't as simple as my just feeling the way I did, I struggle every day with what it is that I'm feeling but if its love…how could it be wrong? I told him that I needed her that she made me stronger and braver and I told him that I'm in love with Olivia."

"What did he say to that?"

"Go to hell." Natalia whispered, struggling to keep her eyes as wide as possible hoping that she didn't come apart the way she had been for the past few days. "That I should go and find my girl and be with her…but…he said it with such _hate._ He hasn't been living with me since that day. He's been staying with Frank. He…he didn't even stay long for his birthday." Natalia's breathing hitched and she gasped, her hands covering her face as she began to sob uncontrollably into her palms. Sydney stood up and cleared the space between them in two long strides. She pulled Natalia into a tight hug, letting Natalia slump into her shoulder, her tears leaking between her fingers and soaking Sydney's shirt. "I can't do it." Natalia repeated sobbing, her voice muffled in her hands. "I can't do it…I can't live with this…"

"Shhh." Sydney murmured, gently rocking Natalia. She let her cry herself into a state of calm. Natalia stood still with her arms pinned to her face against Sydney's shoulder. She shifted her weight slightly and Sydney immediately dropped her arms. Natalia wiped at her eyes with the backs of her hands, driving the back of her knuckles into her closed lids. She sniffled and tried to catch her breath.

"I'm…I'm sorry." Natalia stammered. "I…didn't mean to…"

"Natalia, don't apologize." Sydney replied, rubbing Natalia's shoulders gently. "It's why you're here."

"To cry in the middle of the woods with someone who looks so much like the person I'm in love with?" Natalia asked, "Sure."

Sydney smirked. "You said no to the rafting."

Natalia groaned and covered her face with her hands. "Crying solves nothing!"

"I'm glad you're realizing that." Sydney said.

"Do you see where it's…screwed up? Where its full of complications and all the reasons why we shouldn't be together…?" Natalia groaned. "Why it's wrong, why its…."

"Completely and totally worth doing? Yeah, I do." Sydney answered simply. "You know nothing worth having is easy. I understand that Rafe is upset and completely confused by everything, you're his mom, the one thing that's supposed to _never, ever_ change in his universe even while he's dealing with coming out of prison, you're the constant. He wasn't around for the things you went through so he doesn't know how you feel now, what you think now just like you don't know what it was like for him in prison; you've grown up and it's a shock to you both. You just can't **not** be with someone with because it upsets your son or because you're afraid. There has to be more behind it. You can't just let the fear lead you somewhere you don't want or need to be. Love is built entirely on the principle of faith, trust and risk; if you don't have faith you can't trust that person and risk it all. You can't be happy with not _being happy._"

Natalia stared sullenly at Sydney as she spoke, her arms crossed at her chest. She tried to not stare at her as she spoke, her tone and mannerisms reminding her too much of Olivia. She felt her heart hammering against her chest as she imagined Olivia berating her with common sense the way Sydney was; she felt a warm rush of heat pass through her body, chasing away the misery at the thought.

"Do you really think that Olivia likes the idea that you're so torn up about your relationship? You were supposed to go to a barbecue with her right? Just be in the same space together at the same time? You didn't go because you were what? Tired? Afraid? You should be tired of being afraid, Natalia, because the way that you talk about her, the look you get when you think about her…that just says you're love sick and you need her. Being here…away from her…it's not going to make anything better for you."

"She doesn't know I'm here…" Natalia whispered. "I asked Blake not to say anything." She avoided Sydney's eyes, her face marred with embarrassment.

"You just left. Like that?"

Natalia nodded, staring at a rock with far more interest than anyone should have for a rock.

"Natalia?! That's insane!" Sydney yelped, her voice a notch higher than the husky tone she'd had the entire time they'd been together. "Why did you just leave like that? Without saying anything to anyone??"

"Could you tell someone you loved that you couldn't stand being around them knowing that it was hurting person you'd do anything for?" Natalia shot back.

"Who's who in the scenario?" Sydney asked.

Natalia let out an exasperated groan. She shut her eyes, counting to ten and swallowing the hard lump that was forming in her throat.

"Look. I don't expect you to be up front with me now, but…you came up here to find something…to find an answer…" Sydney replied, her tone softening. Natalia bristled. She sounded like Olivia now. "But finding answers is a hard thing to do with a mind as cluttered as yours, especially with the questions you have but they're not your questions are they?"

"What does that mean?"

"You're letting your faith ask YOU the questions instead of YOU asking the questions."

"What am I supposed to be asking?"

"Does Olivia make you happy?"

Natalia blinked as the question sank in, coated in the honey sweetness of Olivia's name. "Yes."

"Would you do anything for her?"

"Yes…"

"Would she do anything for you?"

"Yes."

"Why would God, your neighbors or your son be the driving force in your misery?"

"I don't know."

"That's right, because you have no real reason to be scared of something you didn't fully get involved in. You won't know what happens next until you jump. What you do know, is that there is nobody in this world besides Gus who will love you the way it sounds like Olivia does.

"But…"

"Go home."

Natalia blinked.

"Go home and deal with her and with your life with her and whatever that's going to carry with it. Whether you just stay friends who love the crap out of each other or you become the best example of love that Emma and Rafe can see or it all falls apart you just need to know that you followed your heart. Nobody can make you do something you don't want to do and it sounds like you really want to make this happen with Olivia."

*********  
*********

She and Sydney had walked down the trail down towards the lake in the twilight hours in silence. They sat in the pebble beach and watched the sunset, legs crossed Indian style eyes closed listening to the sounds of the world around them. By the time they returned to the main atrium of the grounds, they were dirty, tired and hungry. Sydney had convinced Natalia to eat in the mess hall with everyone for a change and they sat together, eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes in silence. Sydney dropped her off at her cabin, rubbing her stomach appreciatively.

"I hope you didn't get too offended…with earlier…" said Sydney, her hands crammed into her jeans pockets. "I just get a little too passionate about people just doing what's right…I hate seeing good people beating themselves up over things that are in their control, like their lives…You seem like a great person and you shouldn't be punishing yourself for being human and following your heart."

Natalia blushed and nodded. "Thank you…" she replied, "I…thank you for just listening to me and…and letting me vent. I needed a little reality…"

"Everyone treating you with kid gloves?"

Natalia nodded. "Sort of."

"Life's rough. When it takes advantage of someone with a good heart, it's brutal. People don't like seeing that happen. It's a natural reaction."

"Thanks for the honesty."

"Ehhh…I think I could've given better advice but…"

"It was good advice…"

"You sure?"

Natalia nodded emphatically, brushing her bangs back, smudging dirt on her forehead. Sydney grinned. "Yes, I'm sure. What?"

"Ya got a little something on your forehead there, Nature Girl." Sydney replied, her eyes flicking up towards Natalia's forehead.

"Oh. God…" Natalia grimaced as she rubbed at her forehead with her palm. "I told you I'm not the woodsy type." She smiled to herself. "Olivia would love that…" she looked at the dirt that caked under her nails and streaked her palm.

"All the more reason to get home." Sydney gave her a crooked smile. "There's gonna be a big s'mores pit at 9 if you're interested."

Natalia blushed at the invitation. "I think I've had enough of the outdoors for one day. Thanks."

"Sure. Hey, uhm, see you in the morning for breakfast right?"

Natalia nodded. "Bright and early."

"Good." Sydney replied. "Well, good night."

"Night."

Natalia was convinced much of the shower drain was caked in the dirt she'd washed off her body and out of her hair. She let the warm water bead along her neck and back in warm jets, her mind completely blank. She rubbed her palms together before twisting the faucets off and cutting the water. She allowed herself to drip dry for a moment before reaching for a towel and drying herself off. She reached for her plush bathrobe, pulled it on and padded to the bedroom.

She flopped onto the bed and reached for her phone, sliding it open and frowning at the screen. NO SIGNAL. She let out a small gust of air through her nose and bit the inside of her cheek. She held the phone up over her head, moving it around hoping she'd get a signal. She grunted, closed the phone and put it back on the night table. She thought about her conversation with Sydney, contemplating the advice she'd given her.

It wasn't about decisions or right and wrong answers. _It's about my heart being taken care of and my life being better because I have someone who loves me just as much as I love them. Running away wasn't the right choice but it was the right thing to do to find the answers I needed. Olivia loves me and this…this can only make things better in some strange way. I know I'm going to have to find a way back into her good graces because I don't think she's going to just welcome me back with open arms…but then again…_Her mind wandered to what it would be like the moment she returned to Springfield. Olivia would be her first stop. She wanted to run to her and beg for forgiveness. She wanted to have Olivia in her arms, to melt against her and know that no matter what, this was going to be the right choice.

She wanted to be home.

*******

Sunlight filtered through the drawn shades, moats dancing in the beams as the shafts of light warmed the hardwood floor. Natalia rolled over, a sigh escaping her lips as she wrapped her arms around her pillow, squeezing it tightly. She nuzzled her face into the fabric of the pillowcase, her sleepy mind playing a trick on her. This wasn't a pillow she was clutching, it was Olivia. She wasn't in a cabin in the valley far away from Springfield, she was in her bedroom and relishing the fact that Olivia had snuck into her bed overnight. She was wrapped around her and it wasn't about sex, it wasn't about the intimacy it was about the comfort of having someone she loved just a heartbeat away from her. She sighed into the pillow, the reality dragging her out of her reverie. She rolled onto her back, the pillow resting in the crook of her left arm as she stared at the ceiling. She thanked God for another day and slowly made her way out of bed, heading to the bathroom before getting dressed and meeting up with Sydney for breakfast.

*******

"You're not going to believe what I heard today." Sydney greeted as Natalia sat across from her. Sydney had perched herself at the farthest table in the large mess hall. Her plate was practically bursting with eggs, toast, bacon, hash browns and a pancake.

"Nice to see you too." Natalia quipped, sliding the chair closer to the table.

"Oh. Hi. Morning." Sydney replied, blushing.

"What did you hear?" Natalia asked, grimacing at the blandness of the coffee. She tore open a few sugar packets and dumped them unceremoniously into the paper cup. She added milk and stirred as Sydney responded.

"Well. Andy went over to the town nearby to pick up a few supplies from the store and he overheard a nun complaining about some woman who'd completely lost her head in the courtyard of Saint Andrews."

"Lost her head?" Natalia asked, her face a mix of concern and revulsion.

"She apparently had been driving around looking for someone and had been going from retreat to retreat asking to see them. I guess she'd had enough of no and snapped."

Natalia held her breath, watching Sydney spear eggs and cram the forkful into her mouth. It dawned on Natalia that Sydney hadn't looked up from her initial greeting. "And?"

"Hm?" said Sydney with a mouthful of eggs, "Oh!" she swallowed emphatically, "She basically got into it with the nun, demanding to see her friend and when she was barred from the front door, she started screaming for them to come downstairs and speak to her." Sydney studied Natalia's face; the blood had drained from her cheeks. "She went off like she was in "Streetcar Named Desire", y'know? Screaming for her friend, demanding that she come down and answer her and talk to her and then she just got back into her car and left. Guess whose name she was screaming."

Natalia's body went ridged in her hard plastic seat. She stared at Sydney who had finally met her gaze, her mouth half open as she struggled for words. Natalia's eyes dropped to her plate and she shoved it away, her appetite gone.

"She loves you enough to completely go on an insane journey to look for you." Sydney said quietly, pushing Natalia's plate back in front of her. "She loves you enough to bang on every single door she could find looking for you. She's fearless if you ask me."

Natalia sat stock still, her hands in her lap, eyes moving listlessly across the dull and cracked faux wood tabletop. She could feel Sydney's gaze boring into her and it made her want to shrink smaller. "I didn't think she would do that…" she muttered more to herself than Sydney.

"Why not? You left without a word, a warning and it was in a moment when you both agreed to just do it…Hell, if I'd been ditched I want a few answers too. I don't think she's mad, Natalia. I think she's hurting just as bad as you are. Maybe worse."

Natalia blinked back tears. She instantly regretted sitting down with Sydney.

"Don't cry." Sydney said. "She loves you. That's a fact. You love her. That's a fact. End of story. You don't have to be upset about it anymore. She just proved that'd she go to hell and back for you, maybe more but if I were you, I wouldn't push it."

Natalia looked up from what looked like a cigarette burn in the middle of the table. "I'm not."

"Good. Now eat."

"Did Andy say anything else? About her…?" Natalia breathed, pulling the coffee cup close to her and taking a sip.

"Just that she was pretty upset. It's kind of romantic though…"

Natalia held the coffee in her mouth, letting its flavor sit on her tongue. It tasted much better now. "She's an amazing woman."

"Sounds like it. And she loves you. I don't know of any other combination better than that." Sydney gave Natalia a lopsided grin as she took her glass of orange juice and held it out to Natalia. "Toast."

"To?" Natalia asked, taking her own cup and holding it inches from Sydney's.

"Making it great."

"Making it great." Natalia repeated, tapping her cup against Sydney's.

*********

"Well, of course I'll come pick you up!" Blake exclaimed. It sounded like she was jumping for joy. "When are you thinking of coming back?"

"Maybe tonight or tomorrow morning. I still have to build a raft and make s'mores, I promised a friend I'd at least give it a try." Natalia replied. She gave Sydney a tightlipped smile as she stood in the main office. Sydney was seated behind the administrator's desk, her hand's clasped behind her head, her feet propped up on the edge of the desk. Sitting like this, she definitely reminded Natalia of Olivia.

"Well good! We could use a little cheer around here…" Blake said. "Just be sure to call me as soon as you're ready okay?"

Natalia puzzled over Blake's sudden change in tone. "Is everything okay over there?" she asked, her eyebrows knitting together in concern.

"There's a lot that's gone on here…don't worry. Focus on you and I'll fill you in on the way back home. I'm glad you're feeling better." Blake replied. "See you soon."

"Oh…ok…" Natalia replied, her words cut off by the dial tone. She gave the phone a curious look before putting back on the receiver.

"What happened?" Sydney asked, sitting up in the chair.

"Nothing. She'll get me tomorrow. She just sounded distracted… like…there are a lot of things happening there…" Natalia replied with a frown.

"Well, you've been gone for a long time…I would imagine that the world keeps on spinning." Sydney replied, standing up and stretching. She stifled a yawn. "No offense."

"No…none taken." Natalia said absently, eyeing the back of the black office phone intently. _I should call Olivia. I should find out what's going on._

"Do you want to call her?" Sydney asked as though she could read Natalia's mind.

"I don't know what I would say…"

"All the progress and you don't know what'd you say?"

Natalia nodded. "I…I'll wait to get home."

"Are you sure?"

_No._ "No." Natalia admitted. "I don't think I'd know what to say and…"

"Ok, no pressure." Sydney replied, holding up her hands in supplication. "Today, we'll focus on what you'll say. We're gonna work on your insecurities, on your faith and on what's going to make you shine. You're going to be a brand new you."


	10. Part of The List

**Part of The List**

Olivia deals with the last things she said while on separate road from Natalia , hoping it leads to the same thing. I'm following the show as much as possible, of course pretending the pregnancy thing isn't happening but I'm willing to grin and bear it.

This was originally a go between for Fix You, but it was too long, complicated and there just wasn't enough angst. With the shenanigans that Olivia found herself in, it made sense to just give them their own story I guess. I had a hard time trying to find a song that matched the angst and since this involved a lot of lists, I figured why not. Enjoy.

Title: NE-YO-Part of The List

**********

**********

Olivia was convinced that the God Natalia had left her for had a warped sense of humor. She sat quietly outside of the farmhouse, her new favorite retreat, drinking white wine after spending the past two hours on the phone with Ava. She hated having to break the news to her about Jeffery and she hated still that everyone had someone else to mourn with while she had her bottle of White Zinfandel to console her. Her entire world was collapsing and it had only been a handful of days since the barbecue; did sand really pass through an hourglass like this, or was it just that she was much more painfully aware of the world around her now that Natalia was gone? She closed her eyes, defiant tears squeezing through her shut lids as she listened to the sounds of the woods around her, the creaking of the trees, the birds and the sound of her own heartbeat, ticking away the moments she was alone.

_I really am alone in this._ Her mind spat bitterly, pouring herself another glass. She toasted to Jeffery, her glass held up to the gray sky, before taking a deep swig from the glass and letting the gentle buzz that was warming her skin wrap its arms around her tightly.

Shayne's question burned in her head. "Who are you going home to?" Olivia tried to avoid his curious gaze as she thought of an answer while watching Dinah's arm snake around his. She thought quickly, "Emma's going to be home from camp…" she felt better having said it but foolish at the same time. She didn't want to have to tell two children the same terrible news and not have respite from it; she didn't want to cry alone like she had been doing as of late without having someone to console her. _At least I get to cry about something other than Natalia._ She shivered at how bitter her thoughts about Natalia were becoming; they were almost venomous as she felt that piece of her heart that belonged to Natalia slowly freeze up. She brought her right hand up to her scar, her fingertips brushing it softly as though the friction could dislodge some of the frosty chill that was settling between her ribs. She knocked the bottle back again, her mouth filling with wine before her throat knotted up with emotion.

Her cell phone rang and she grabbed it as though her life depended on it. She grimaced at the voice on the other end. She'd forgotten to pick up Emma. She swallowed hard, hung up and stood up, the movement knocking the wine bottle into the glass tossing it to the floor. It shattered. Olivia glanced over her shoulder at the broken glass, rolled her eyes and headed to the car.

*******

Olivia was grateful Christina had taken Emma but the gratitude was quickly replaced by her mounting disgust with her lack of sobriety. _Do I really look that drunk?_ She rubbed at her temples, eyes closed as she sat in her car, the air conditioning on full blast. She had to return to the farmhouse and clean up the mess she'd left behind but bitter reasoning kept her from rushing back. _Natalia's not here to complain._ She twisted the key in the ignition, the car humming to life. She had no idea where she should go, where she could go and what she would do if confronted with other people. She knew they could see right through her, her grief was too heavily weighed on Natalia's disappearance and her misery was too great with Jeffery's death. She wanted to go home to The Beacon but that would only inspire even lonelier drinking and if she went back to the farmhouse, which would only bring about lonelier drinking outdoors.

She opted to go to Farley's.

*********

Olivia found a strange comfort in finding Josh seated at the bar, his head propped up on his folded up under his chin, sunglasses on a beer sitting in front of him.

"Well I'm glad to see I'm not the only one drinking in the middle of the day." Olivia mused watching Josh shift in his seat. He glanced at her, shades still on.

"Well, sometimes the day just calls for it." He drawled.

"You got that right my friend." Olivia replied, her hands folded in front of her in the middle of the countertop. She banged the bottoms of her still folded palms together on the counter in frustration. _I really shouldn't be drinking like this._

Josh pushed back from the bar, took his beer and ambled over towards Olivia. "Actually," he slid his shades off, pocketing them. He braced himself on his elbows on the countertop. "I could use a friend right now"

"Let's hear it. They're dropping like flies" Olivia replied, her head propped up in her left hand. She stared at the back wall of the bar, eying the hard liquor that started back at her. She closed her eyes, realizing what she'd just said. "That didn't…I didn't mean…" She kept her eyes closed, chiding herself for the slip.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it." Josh replied. "Here's what I think. You've had the same kinda day that I've had. Somehow the universe is conspiring to put us together to cheer each other up."

Olivia suppressed a smirk. "I don't think I'm capable of cheering anybody up right now."

"I think you could cheer me up." Josh insisted, bringing his eyes to meet Olivia's intently.

"Uhhh…I can't." Olivia managed, pink coloring her cheeks. For a moment, she wasn't sure if it was the wine she had earlier that caused the flush in cheeks or the fact that there was a genuine connection between her and Josh.

"I'm not talking about that, don't flatter yourself." Josh remarked. "Here's the deal. I hope you have a lot of cash on you right now because I'm gonna take you over to that pool table and I'm gonna kick your butt. How's that?"

A small smile crossed Olivia's face as she looked up at Josh who stood up with squared shoulders as he nodded towards the pool table at the back.

"We'll just turn our brains off for a few minutes." He added, enjoying the smile that was lighting up Olivia's features.

"Yeah. I could stand to forget who I am for a little while." Olivia replied, pushing up from the bar.

"And I could stand to be with somebody who's not gonna throw things at me. So. Let's get it on." Josh quipped as Olivia hopped from her seat and strutted towards the back of the bar, a smirking Josh in tow.

******************************

Olivia burped into her palm as she watched Josh break. He smirked as two striped balls sank into the right corner pocket one after the other. "I guess I have high balls."

"That's nothing to be proud of." Olivia grinned, taking a deep swig of the beer. _Pace yourself._ She warned herself as Josh squared off his shot again. He scratched and groaned as he watched the cue ball sink into the middle pocket, disappear and re-emerged at the top of the table in the return pocket. Olivia slid off her barstool and grabbed her pool stick.

"What? That's probably the only time you're ever going to refer to my balls…" Josh remarked, gesturing to the table as Olivia placed the cue ball on the table with a thud.

"Always a classy guy…" Olivia quipped, squaring her shot, her right eye squinting dramatically. She fired and knocked her billiard ball into the center pocket with ease. She fired away again, easily making that shot and shot that followed. She winced as she eyed the table, remembering the night she and Natalia were in Farley's playing pool with Josh and Jeffery. She reached for her bottle of beer again, swallowing the hard knot that was forming in her throat.

"I think you're gonna hustle me…" Josh quipped, leaning against his own barstool, eyeing Olivia as she felt the knot fall into the pit of her stomach.

"Probably right." Olivia replied with a nod, chalking up the tip of her pool stick before she bent at the hip to line up her shot. She fired and let out a groan when her shot missed, sending the ball ricocheting around the table.

Josh smiled and rubbed his palms together. He took his pool stick and studied the table intently. "Kinda fitting that we're here right now isn't it?" he asked, lining up his shot.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, finishing her beer in one gulp.

"Wasn't too long ago that we here with Jeffery and Natalia." Olivia nodded silently in agreement, wincing at the mention of Natalia. _Am I that transparent?_ She wandered over to the bar, placing her empty bottle on the counter top. She watched as another one appeared in front of her, icy cold. _Pace yourself._ She took a small sip and watched Josh for a moment.

"It's weird isn't it?" she asked, as he fired and missed his shot altogether. "How we can be here and there's nothing but terrible things happening out there…?"

Josh nodded as he leaned against the wall and took a swig from his own bottle. "It is weird." he agreed, folding his arms across his chest. "Weirder still when you know that life goes on…"

"Why did he do it? Why did he leave?" Olivia asked. She realized it was a loaded question; she was asking more about Natalia than she was about Jeffery. "There was so much good going on for him…I mean he had Reva and Colin…He was happy."

"He and Reva were framed for that John Doe murder and you know him…he was never one to back down from a fight." Josh paused and watched Olivia as she thought about what he said. "He was protecting his family. Us, really. He was convinced that Edmund was still alive somewhere. I tried to keep him safe, but…"

"What do you mean? John Doe? It wasn't Edmund?" Olivia asked, the game forgotten. _Did I really miss that much?_

"There was a mix up at the hospital and it looked like the guy that was killed, looked a lot like Edmund but it wasn't him. Jeffery and I were busy trying to solve the case ourselves and I was supposed to go and track down Edmund. He and I had been working on it for months…" he shook his head. "I feel responsible for what happened to them. To Colin and Reva."

"You can't blame yourself." Olivia replied, her left hand resting on his left shoulder. "All you can do is be there for Colin and Reva."

Josh nodded absently as he stared at the pool table. "What about you? How are you?"

"Hanging on." Olivia replied simply.

He stared at her profile. "Olivia. Really."

Olivia stared at the pool table quietly, trying to figure a way out of answering the question. She bit her lip and nodded. "I think I'm gonna sit down for a bit." She said nodding towards a nearby table.

"Talk to me." Josh urged. Olivia slid into a nearby table and set her beer on a coaster, watching a bead of sweat slide slowly down the green glass.

"What do you want me to say?" Olivia mumbled absently at the bottle, her eyes glancing at Josh who was still propped up against the wall.

"Whatever it is you're thinking."

"What I'm thinking? I'm thinking that life is just one long joke but nobody but God gets to laugh." She lifted the bottle to her lips and drank slowly, relishing the chill of the beer as it coursed down her hot throat.

"I don't think so." Josh replied, watching Olivia closely. "Life isn't a long joke."

"Then what is it?" Olivia shot back.

"A journey."

"A journey? What? Are you gonna tell me don't stop believing while you're at it?"

Josh chuckled. "If you like." He finished his beer before speaking. "Life is a journey and many many people have walked it before you or I. They have learned so much from it and one of those things is that life is marked with trials and tribulations…Love and loss. We learn from them everyday."

Olivia nodded, as she clutched her beer in both hands her right thumb rubbing out a drop before it moistened the coaster her bottle sat on. Josh ordered another beer and sat down across from Olivia.

"How's Ava?"

"She took the news better than I am. I think…I think both my girls are stronger than I am."

"Well, they get their strength from you." Josh replied.

"All this news about Jeffery all this tragedy…I always thought that he had a spare life or two up his sleeve y'know? In case he wanted to bail out of this one. Keep expecting him to show up. Say surprise." She took another pull from the beer.

"He did seem invincible, didn't he?" Josh asked, staring off at the ground.

"Why aren't you with Reva?" Olivia asked, staring Josh down.

"Who?"

"Reva…"

"Ah…yes…" Josh replied with a broad smile. "Well, she needs to be alone right now, she's mourning her husband and uh, I think my presence reminds her that I'm alive and he's gone."

"Doesn't she know how lucky she is to have you lookin' out for her?"

Josh waved off Olivia's question. "No no no…Do not blame her for anything right now…"

Olivia held the bottle to her lips, eyeing Josh as he eyed her warily. "You're not showin up with casserole to try and get her in the sack are ya?" she asked, her tone surly before taking another pull from the bottle.

Josh blushed. "That's true…I just feel like she needs her space. I need to know when to be there and when to back off." He watched Olivia as she fidgeted with her beer bottle on the tabletop, listening to him. She brought her eyes up to meet his and saw the sadness that filled her eyes. She broke the contact.

"Y'know I wish…I wish I could do that. I'm just afraid that if I actually step back than it's all REALLY gonna be _over_." She stared at the neck of her beer bottle intently, running her thumb along the neck label. Josh eyed her curiously as she stared ahead of her, her face the definition of melancholy as she eyed the label with an almost exaggerated interest.

"Are you okay?" he asked, realizing that she'd avoided the question the first time he'd asked her. Olivia busied herself by tearing at the label, feeling microscopic under Josh's gaze. "And by the way, where's Emma?"

"Emma…Emma is with uhm…with Christina." She answered, pulling a small piece of the label away from the bottle with her right thumb and forefinger. "Y'know Remy's wife? She saw that I wasn't in the best shape so she offered to take Emma for a little bit." She tore off another scrap of paper, rolling it between her thumb and forefinger before leaving the mess on the table next to the bottle. "Didn't want me driving around with my kid in the car." A sardonic smile crossed her glum features. "Didn't want me driving around."

"Well you listened. That's a good thing." Josh said silently, watching Olivia admiring her handiwork with the destroyed label.

"Y'know I make mistakes on a daily basis but I _never_ show up drunk to pick up my kid." Olivia's words choked out of her as she angrily flicked a piece of the beer label at the table, watching it flutter towards the tabletop. "I dunno. I'm just a mess." She moved her hands away from the bottle, looking at Josh. "I guess everything just feels _wrong _when the person you love is gone right?" she asked, her voice thick with emotion, grabbing the bottle and knocking it back, hoping that the lump in her throat would be swallowed along with the beer.

"Right…" Josh breathed. He shifted closer to Olivia in his seat, his features etched with concern.

"Mhm." Olivia replied, her mouth busy with the bottle her eyes welling with tears.

"It's okay…" Josh whispered.

"Right?" Olivia nodded empathically, her eyes wide as though she could keep the tears from spilling.

"It's okay…" Josh repeated.

"I'm right? Right?" Olivia pressed, her left hand clutching the bottle like it would anchor her to sanity for a moment or two longer.

"Yes. You're right." Josh admitted finally.

Olivia nodded, her teeth holding her bottom lip. _Everything is wrong._ She absently nodded again at Josh who was leaning back in his chair, lost in his own thoughts. She took a deep swig from the bottle, holding it at the neck ad she drank, hoping that Josh wouldn't notice the fact that she hadn't come up for air. She finished the bottle and rolled her eyes behind closed lids hoping to chase away the tears that threatened to spill. She leaned her head back and stared at the ceiling as thought noticing it for the first time. She was embarrassed twice in one day, first with Christina and now with Josh. _That's got to be a personal best for me._ She bit the inside of her bottom lip absently, biting until she felt the tiny pricks of pain which caused her to let go and inhale deeply.

"Another round?" Josh asked, nodding towards her empty bottle with his chin.

"Oh…no…I was thinking of getting out of here actually…" Olivia admitted with a small smile. "I think I should try and let myself together at least…"

"Well, let me get you some water then." He said, grabbing his own bottle and crossing towards the bar.

"Thanks." Olivia said to his back. She sighed again and rolled the bottle between her palms, taking whatever moisture remained on the glass and wiping her hands with it. She sat up straighter as Josh placed the large glass of water with a straw in front of her.

"There ya go." He said as he sat down again.

"Thanks." Olivia drank the water appreciatively, laughing to herself at her surprise that it didn't taste like the stuff she'd been drinking the past few hours. She came up for air and gave Josh a half smile.

"Thirsty?"

"Just a little bit. I'm gonna go to the ladies room…" she replied, standing up and fixing herself up.

She stood in the stall for five minutes, clutching herself as silent tears slid down her cheeks.

Olivia left the restroom and found Josh still seated at the table, finishing his beer. He stood up, rounded the table and met her half way. "Ready to go?"

Olivia nodded and led the way out.

The sound of the street hit them and she found herself blushing as she realized that Josh had been a good friend to her, despite the fact that she was miserable and he felt like crap. It dawned on her that Josh was only around her when there wasn't anything good happening in her life.

"I'm sorry." She blurted out, Josh's hand braced on her right shoulder as he followed her. "You always seem to come around when I'm in such bad shape." She gave him a small smile, hoping to mask her embarrassment and sadness..

"Don't be sorry. You're gonna be okay." he replied.

"I'm…I'm drinking alone. I drink so much that some nice person that I barely even know has my kid because I was too drunk to drive. And what did I do? Did I go get a cup of coffee and sober up? No."

"No no, you went and you ended up shootin' some pool with your amazingly handsome ex husband, one of them anyway, probably the most handsome of them…"

"He is…you are…stop" Olivia agreed, smiling and covering her face with her left hand. "I wish I could laugh about this." Her smile faded.

"I'm sorry I feel like I was a bad influence." Josh replied solemnly.

Olivia shook her head no. "You were great." She reached across towards him, grabbing the middle of his button down shirt and pulling him towards her. "You've always been great." She smiled at him as his right arm reached across her shoulder and pulled her into a tight hug. "You keep me out of trouble."

********

Josh insisted on driving Olivia back to the Beacon, despite her assurance that she was okay. They sat in the car quietly, lost in their own thoughts as he drove and she looked out of the passenger window, watching the scenery fly by. She wondered where Natalia was and her hand slid into her pocket to find her phone. Maybe she could just sneak in a quick text message…She released the phone from her grip, letting it slide back into her pocket. _She wouldn't answer it anyway. She hasn't called you or sent you a message, why bother?_ She sighed as Josh pulled into the parking lot. _Home sweet home. I wish I meant that._

She let herself into the apartment and stood in the doorway, blocking Josh from entering. "Thanks for getting me home okay." She braced her left arm across the threshold, watching Josh shifting his weight from foot to foot as he eyed the interior of the apartment. He gave a mhm response.

"You sure you're gonna be alright…?" he asked, eyeing Olivia intently, his arms behind his back a smirk on his face.

"I need a shower…" Olivia blushed again. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or if it was the fact that out of her exes, Josh was the handsomest of them. _Charming bastard._

"Aw, me too!" he replied, the smile widening.

Olivia nodded. "That wasn't an invitation."

"Yeah…"

"Yeah…"

"I'm just a very visual guy…and I have seen you nak…"

Olivia brought her left hand over his mouth, clasping it shut cutting off the rest of his sentence. She snickered at him, smothering his smug smirk under her palm. "Thank you. For trying to cheer me up. I promise next time I'll be good company."

"I might hold you to that." He replied, all manner of joking wiped from his face. He reached over and cupped Olivia's face in his hands, tipping her head forward to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. "You take care of yourself alright?"

"Yeah…" Olivia breathed. She stepped back and pulled the door between them.

"I could do your back…" Josh offered as the door closed on him,

"AH! Stop!" Olivia shot back, her finger pointing at him in warning as she closed the door between them. She dumped her purse and keys nearby and rounded her bed towards the nightstand on the right. Her smiled faded as her eyes landed on the New Years' photo of herself, Natalia and Emma. She picked it up gingerly and studied it, the smile replaced by sadness. She ran her fingertips across the glass, brushing them over Natalia's image and placed it back on the table. She slid off her jacket and tossed it onto the bed.

Her stomach grumbled.

She hadn't eaten. _See Natalia, I told you I could have a liquid diet._ She rummaged around the apartment for the snacks she kept stashed around and let out a sigh as she rummaged through the liquor cabinet for a snack. She shoved the bottles aside and grimaced as she found nothing but more wine and whiskey. She sat on the edge of her bed, her stomach grumbling as she eyed the photo warily. She'd lost track of how long it'd been since Natalia left and the fact that all manner of time was kept using Natalia as the timekeeper scared her. She realized that virtually every waking moment she'd had since, _what? When? February?_ were marked entirely around the things she'd done with Natalia. She kicked her heels off and slid father up the bed, resting against the headboard. She pulled the photo into her lap and stared at it, trying to commit it into memory even though she already remembered every detail of the photo. She was mesmerized by the fact that the picture had been taken in that strange time when they'd become a team; they were a real family and she was caught off guard with how comfortable they were with the idea. She was surprised she'd managed to function for as long as she had before Natalia had entered her life. _It's almost embarrassing to think that I could even be THAT needy, sickness or health._ Her stomach growled again, reminding her that she needed to put something in there besides booze.

Olivia reached for the landline and dialed downstairs, deciding for once, she'd use her power for good. She asked for the mini fridge to be stocked with soda, juice and some fruit for Emma and the saltiest chips they had in the kitchen. She hung up and stared at her cell phone as it lay on the bedspread staring up at the ceiling, it's screen dark. _Are you even thinking about me? Do you even care? Does it bother you at all that Jeffery is dead, no one knows who killed that man who looked like Edmund and you're nowhere to be found? Has it occurred to you _**at all**_ that if you're scared of what's going between us all you have to do is speak to me? Just tell me what's wrong…I'm going to listen to you…_

She put the photo back on the nightstand and sighed heavily as she reached for the cell phone and pressed the center button to unlock it and go to her contacts list. She warily eyed Natalia's name, the photo Emma had taken staring back at her blankly, her thumb hovering over the 'send message' prompt. Olivia chewed her bottom lip pensive as she stared at the screen. _I have no idea what I would say._ She let the screen go dark before she let it slide from her lap as she slid out of bed and double checked the liquor cabinet, certain she'd missed something in her search for something to shut her stomach up.

Olivia let out a sigh of relief as she pulled out a bag of potato chips from the back of the cabinet. She tore into the bag and made her way to the bathroom, determined to take the shower she said she was going to take and clear her mind. She munched away as she turned the shower on, the warm water spraying her hands. She stood in the bathroom, fully clothed, listening to the sound of the shower as it overpowered the sound of her crunching on the potato chips. _What the hell is going on with me? I wonder if she's thinking of me. She has to be, she has to be thinking about me…she has to have some idea of what this is doing to me…to us. I hope she's not hurt…God. That's all I'd need, to know that she left and I didn't find her in time and something horrible happened to her…_Olivia slid against the wall, sliding until she sat down on the bathroom floor, still shoveling chips absently in her mouth. She felt a sharp pain in her ribcage. She felt another little fracture in her heart. _That's great. That's just great._ She rubbed her pinky against the scar, massaging the pain. She heard the front door open. She kicked the door closed, listening to the sound of his footfalls on the carpet as he puttered around the apartment, loading the fridge with her requests and leaving snacks on the table before quickly exiting. She wasn't sure if she heard the door close. She didn't care either.

_I remember when Natalia did that. She'd come in, do her job, try to avoid me and get out fast. I should've taken away her pass card the moment it thought of it. Made her knock instead of letting her in the way I did…I should've done a lot of things differently but…I told Dinah that if I ever fell in love again I would do it all differently. I did it differently for sure._ She shoved another handful of chips into her mouth. _I fell in love with her. I fell in love with someone I couldn't deal with. I fell in love. _She groaned. She hated this. She hated waiting. She couldn't be patient the way Natalia wanted her to be. _Maybe she's right, I want what I want now. Then again if that were true, I could've slept with Josh right now and not have thought twice about it, good company or not. I want her and I can't have her._ _Stop thinking._ She shoveled another handful of chips in her mouth, mumbling to herself. "These are way too good…"

She heard a knock on the front door, a groan escaped her lips as she waited for whoever was intruding on her sulking time to get a hint and leave.

"Livia…The door's _wide_ open I'm just comin in. Are you here?" a voice called out over the din of the shower.

Olivia winced. _Blake._ She hadn't spoken to or seen her since Natalia left and she was sure as hell the _last_ person that Olivia wanted to be around. Closing her eyes she weighed her options before saying anything.

"Come on in!" Olivia called back, her mouth full of potato chips.

Blake blinked fro a moment before closing the door behind her, dropping her purse on the bed and heading towards the bathroom door.

Olivia moved herself from just inside the door to the edge of the linen cabinet, her back leaned up against it. She was clutching the chips and eating them slower now, realizing that she was making a complete mess of herself. She looked up as Blake entered the bathroom, another mess of chips in her mouth. "Hey. Ya want some?" Olivia asked holding up the bag towards Blake. Blake stared at her for a moment before sitting just inside the door where Olivia had been moments before. "They're good." Olivia mumbled as Blake made herself comfortable. She reached over and took a handful, staring at Olivia as Olivia stared absently ahead of her. "See what I'm sayin?" Olivia asked, watching as Blake ate and she shoved more chips into her mouth.

"Sup?" Blake asked, watching Olivia dig deeper into the bag.

"Christina saw that I was drinking," Olivia held another chip before her lips, rubbing her nose with the back of that hand "so she took Emma for the day. I can't even hide what I mess I am in front of my own kid." She mumbled before she shoved the chip in her mouth. "You think Natalia's gonna come back?" she asked quietly, glancing over to Blake, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"I don't know." Blake replied.

"You have to know something. You were the last person who saw her." Olivia pressed, sadness replacing the hope in her tone.

"You're here. Rafe is here."

Olivia looked down at the chips as the bag sat in her lap. _That's not the answer I was looking for Blake. Maybe something like, yes a thousand times over…or…something. _"Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to make her run away like that?"

"I don't think so."

"Well…when she told you about us did she say anything? I mean, c'mon…" Olivia pressed, her shoulders bunching up into her neck, eyes welling with tears. _Don't lose it again._

"Do you mind if I turn the water off?" Blake asked.

"Meh, I don't feel like taking a shower anyway." Olivia grumbled, popping another chip into her mouth. She sat in her place as Blake pulled herself up, climbed over her to get to the shower to shut off the water. Olivia popped another chip into her mouth. Making a face, she stood up and left Blake in the bathroom, still clutching the potato chips. She crammed another handful into her mouth as she re-entered her bedroom and sat on foot of the bed. She could still hear the water running. Blake followed her into the bedroom.

"What's going on? I thought you were gonna turn off the shower." Olivia said around a mouthful of chips. She rooted through the bag for another handful, watching Blake as she made her way towards her.

"Uh. Change of plans." Blake replied, flopping next to Olivia on the edge of the bed. "Here. Give me the chips." She reached over for the bag. Olivia pulled them away just out of Blake's reach, the fingers of her left hand shoving another helping into her mouth. Blake captured the bag, rolling it up and tossed it onto the bed behind Olivia, who groaned at the act.

Olivia smacked her hands together, wiping away some of the salt and grease "C'mon honey." Blake urged, grabbing the neck of Olivia's blazer and tugging it off. "We gotta put you in the shower." They stood up side by side with Blake successfully tugging Olivia's left arm out of the sleeve.

"No." Olivia whined, not putting up much of a fight. "What're you doing…?" She let her right arm slide out of the blazer as Blake pulled it off her shoulders from behind.

"I'm gonna put you in the shower. You need to get in there because you need to figure out what you want your life to be." Blake said, folding the blazer up and tossing it on the bed where Olivia had been sitting. Olivia finished chewing her chips and tugged on the hem of her red tank top.

"I do know what I want my life to be. Natalia is my life and she's gone." Olivia replied, scratching absently at her elbow and backing away slowly from an over helpful Blake.

"Yeah. I gotta tell you something, here, come here. I gotta take this off because she's not here anymore, at least, for now." Blake replied, grabbing Olivia's left wrist and undoing the clasp of her watch. _I forgot I had that…_Olivia watched as Blake worked and spoke. "She's doing whatever she needs to do and you, you're gonna have to live with that." Blake used Olivia's watch to emphasis it. "You have to figure out what _you_ need to do."

"I don't know what I need to do." Olivia barked.

"Go back to your roots. That's gonna tell you everything. Ok? Just go, take a hot shower relax. It's gonna look so much better afterwards and so will you. C'mon." Blake replied, holding Olivia be the shoulders, gently squeezing them before marching her off back to the bathroom. "Go. Go. Go." Blake ordered.

Olivia eyed Blake as she turned her on her heels and shuttled her to the bathroom. _What the hell does my hair color have to do with anything? _

Blake closed the door between them and exhaled, bracing her right hand against the closed door.

Olivia stood awkwardly in the bathroom, watching the water as it splashed against the curtains, pooled at the drain and disappeared. She sniffed at the collar of her tank top. _I don't smell like booze which is a good thing._ She tugged the top off and tossed it onto the closed toilet lid. She shucked her shoes and jeans, piling them on along with the tank. She let the water hit her, her eyes feeling dull as she stared at the condensation that built up on the tiles. She watched the bead of water she flicked from the edge of her right index finger land on a tile and slide down before disappearing into the grouting. _What am I supposed to do when she is my life and she's out of it? How can I just sit and wait? I can't. I'm impatient. She hates that I'm impatient but that's just who I am. I'm not rushing for an answer I just…yes I am I'm rushing for an answer. I just want to know what I can do to make it better. I'm willing to leave her alone if that'll make it better…I just need to know. _She soaped up and scrubbed her face quickly, hoping that Blake would be gone by the time she got out. _Probably not._ She stood and let the water rinse the soap off her neck and shoulders before she shut the water off and reached for a towel. _Roots. She meant Natalia's roots. Maybe that's a hint, maybe she really did go to Chicago._

Blake was flipping through a magazine when Olivia emerged from the shower, clad in the clothes she'd been wearing moments before.

"Feel better?" Blake asked looking up from the magazine a small smile on her face.

"Tons." Olivia lied. "I think I'm just gonna hang here and wait for Emma to come home."

"Good. See. Nothing a good shower can't fix." Blake stood up from her seat and tucked the magazine back into her purse. "Try and relax okay? You'll see, it's all going to be okay." she squeezed Olivia's right bicep before heading to the door.

"Thanks Blake." Olivia replied, following her.

"Don't worry about it. I'm here if you need me." Blake replied, standing in the doorway. She gave Olivia a hopeful smile, a small wave and left. Olivia didn't reciprocate. She braced herself against the door and looked around the room for her phone. Finding it was still on the bed, she crossed the room, reached for it, checked the battery on it and tucked it into her pocket, hoping that at some point, maybe, Natalia would see fit to call her. _Maybe she'll have some pity._ She grabbed her purse and waited ten minutes, making sure she'd given Blake enough time to go wherever it was she was going. She reached for the bag of chips and munched on some as she came up with a game plan.

_If Frank wasn't going to help, then she knew someone who could._

****************

Olivia resisted the urge to jump for joy when she found Remy seated at his desk. Frank was nowhere to be found. She entered the room and walked slowly towards Remy who looked up in surprise.

"How you feeling?" he asked as she approached his desk. Olivia's fingers fumbled around with a scrap of paper.

"Fine." Olivia responded automatically with an affirmative nod. _I have no idea if he's asking about Jeffery or if Frank told him about Natalia and I._

"Christina said you were a little under the weather that's why she…" his voice trailed off as she watched Olivia shift nervously from one foot to the other. Olivia avoided his gaze, staring at the scrap of paper instead.

"I'm fine." she repeated. "Look, I…I need some information. This is one of my uhm, employees' social security number so, could you…I need a list…of previous employers…" _This isn't going very well._

"Olivia, this is the police department we don't do that. Why don't you just contact the employee?" Remy responded, leaning back in his chair, the springs creaking under the shift in weight.

_Jesus he sounds like Frank._ "I can't." Olivia said, still fidgeting with the scrap of paper with Natalia's social security number scribbled on it. _This isn't going to work._

"If you think someone's stealing money from you and you wanna do a background check you have to go to PI first, Ok?" He stood up in one fluid motion and brushed past her to leave the room.

_What is with the cops in this town?!_ "Natalia's missing." Olivia blurted out, turning and preparing to follow Remy wherever he went.He stopped in his tracks and gaped at her. _See that Natalia. All your exes are worried about you._

"What do you mean, she's missing?" he asked, his boots squeaking as he moved.

"I mean she's gone any nobody knows where she is. And if they know, they're not _talking. _And I'm worried about her."

Remy gaped at her. "Rafe?"

"He doesn't know."

"How long has she been gone?"

"Fourth of July."

Remy grimaced.

"Look I know, I have no right to ask you for anything but, uhm, it's not like her to disappear like this, right?" Olivia replied, a hint of fear in her voice.

"Yeah, no no it's not. Do you think the whole….the whole wedding thing with Frank?"

Olivia flinched at the suggestion. _How long ago was that? Who cares at this point? I'm so beyond that right now._ "I think she's been having a really hard time so…can you help me with this?" she held out the paper to Remy, pleading with her eyes. "Please?"

"Yeah." Remy took the scrap and looked at it. "I'll check her tax records to see if there's any old addresses."

"Great" Olivia breathed as sigh of relief. "You were a good friend to her." She tacked it on almost like an after thought.

Remy gave her a tight lipped nod, turned on his heel and walked out. Olivia tried to hide her disappointment and left the precinct. She sat in the car for fifteen minutes, her eyes glazed over with tears. _What the hell was I thinking? Asking Remy to do a background check on her like that? Like that's going to make a difference. She did a great job not wanting to be found. I'm getting desperate now but what else can I do? Frank was no help, Blake isn't talking and I'll be damned if I have to ask Doris for more help. And Ray._ She slammed her right palm against the top of her steering wheel. _I wish I had a friggen drink right now._ She shook her head.

"No. No you don't. You don't need that, you need her and you need to find her and bring her home." Olivia said out loud, the sound of her voice in the car startling her. _This has got to work. It has to. I've tried everything else. What's the worse that could happen?_ She started the car and left the parking lot.

**********

_How many times have I driven this car here? Why do I bother doing it? Why do I sit here, alone, in the car and stare at it like some clue is going to fall out of a window or a drain pipe?_ Olivia was parked outside of the farmhouse alongside Natalia's car. She glanced out of the passenger window to the car, as though Natalia herself would be sitting in it.

It was empty, just like the house.

She stared at the curtains as they sat motionless in the windows, the window sills probably collecting dust. Her eyes flicked over to the mess she'd left on the front steps, chastising herself for leaving it there in her haste to get Emma. _God. Emma. What am I going to say to her? Sorry Jellybean, mommy scared off Natalia just like she scares off everybody. Have a cookie._ She rubbed at her nose with the heel of her right palm, it was sore from being blown too much. She climbed out of the car and ambled slowly towards the shattered glass that lay on the ground. _You're a mess. A freaking mess. _

Olivia climbed out of the car and took her time walking to the front of the house. She stooped over and gingerly picked up the larger pieces and piled them together into what remained of the dome of the wine glass. _This was a good glass too._ She returned the car and popped the trunk, looking for a plastic bag to dump the shards in. Finding one, she walked back to the front of the house and picked up the shards, gingerly tossing them into the plastic bag. _I have no idea why I'm doing this? It's not like she's going to just show up one day and find this._ She picked up the empty bottle and tossed it into the plastic bag alongside the shards. She looked at the car then at the bag. _Great. The last thing I need is for one of Springfield's finest to pull me over with a shattered wine glass and empty bottle in the front seat._ She looked around the house, trying to track down where the trash was. She rounded towards the back, finding the garbage bins pristine as far as garbage goes. She found the blue bin and flipped it up to drop the bag in.

It was empty.

She deposited the glass into the recycling bin, closing it and opened the bin on its immediate right.

It was also empty.

"You've got to be kidding me." she muttered to herself. "You leave me without a word but you take out the damned garbage." She slammed the lid down on the bin and rounded to the front of the house in a fury. "Natalia?!" She bellowed again. "Are you here? Are you screwing with me?!" she yelled at the expressionless windows. She stormed up the steps again, tore the screen door back and tugged furiously at the front door knob. It didn't give. She banged her clenched fists on the door, causing it to rattle in the frame. "Open up. I know you're in there! I know you're there! You're watching me! C'mon Natalia open the damn door!!" she shook the knob again and kicked at the base of it with her foot. Sharp pain shot up through her toes rattling her knee as she released the knob to hobble back from the door, muttering curses under her breath. She sat on the stairs and grit her teeth as she pulled off her shoe to rub the aching toes. She suddenly realized as she gingerly rubbed the injured digits that she could've easily broken her foot. _What good would that do you?_ _You need to calm the hell down, Olivia, you're coming apart and everyone can see it._ She grimaced as she flexed her toes. Nothing was broken but her heart. She slid her shoe back on and limped back to the car, slamming her door shut and sulking in the driver's seat before starting the car again and driving away from the house.

The street slid slowly past her as she drove, knowing that she needed to get back home quickly but in no real rush to do so. Her phone rang in her pocket and she picked it up, not caring about S.P.D or traffic laws. She remembered the headset she bought for herself and Natalia. _Load of good it'll do me now, I have no clue where the hell it is._

"Hello?"

"Hey Olivia? It's Remy."

"Hey Remy, what's going on?" Olivia replied, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice. She was hoping it was Natalia.

"I've got a list of places back in Chicago for you…" he replied as he shifted papers around on his desk. "Where are you?"

"Oh. I'm on my way back to The Beacon. You can fax the information directly to my office. Got a pen?"

"Yeah, sure." He reached over on his end and jotted down the number Olivia gave him. "I hope it helps."

"Me too. Thanks Remy." Olivia replied, hanging up. She felt better knowing that there was a piece of good news waiting for her when she got in.

***********

Olivia burst into her office, cell phone pressed against her ear as she rounded the desk to check out the papers that had come in. "Hey Christina if you could just drop off Emma at my office as soon as possible I'd really appreciate that. We're going on a little field trip to Chicago. I have to get her packed. I'm great, much better now. Thank you so much. Bye!" she hung up and gathered her planner and whatever else she needed before exiting the office.

_I can do this. I'm not going to give up just yet._

************

Olivia crammed as much clothing as she could into her luggage bag, shoving it down with her palms putting her weight into it. She had gotten a handful of hours of sleep, shot up at 7 am, showered and prepared herself for another trek to find Natalia. She'd gotten Emma packed up and was busy finishing off her own packing. _This is going to work. I have the information I need and I know what I'm going to say._ " C'mon Em! Let's go!" she called, clapping her palms against her black jean clad thighs. "We have to hit the road early, go pick up your brush."

"Why do I have to miss camp?" Emma whined, propping her luggage back up next to her.

"Cos sweetie, this is important. It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be an adventure. Did you pack everything on your list?" Olivia replied, still cramming things into her bag.

"I think…" Emma said with a shrug, watching her mother warily as she packed and repacked her luggage.

"C'mon Emma this is important to me." Olivia pleaded.

"But we were gonna make cupcakes…" said Emma.

"Enough, alright? It's gonna be fun, it's gonna be like a scavenger hunt now go pack you're your toothbrush and use the bathroom because we're gonna stop we have a plan. Ok?" Emma dutifully entered the bathroom while Olivia reached for the framed photo of Natalia that sat on her desk. She crossed back to the open luggage bag, gazing at the photo. "Everything's gonna be good." She reassuringly whispered to the photo. She clutched it to her chest before placing it right on top of her folded clothes and closing the bag. Her mind drifted to Blake's warning about going back to roots. _Roots. I'm going to dig through Natalia's past and see if I can't find something of use. _

Olivia had somehow managed to herd Emma downstairs, praying she wouldn't snap at her daughter as she complained about missing camp, her friends and cupcakes. _I'll buy you a dozen if you just go with me on this one, Jellybean._ She put their bags in the trunk before walking to the driver's side and sliding in. She clipped her seatbelt and turned around as Emma spoke, hoping she was hiding her irritation.

"I wanna see my friends at camp." Emma complained.

"Honey, I know you do but you're gonna be a great helper to me. You're good at navigating and you can…can sing songs and keep me awake." _God, just tell her already._ "We're gonna find Natalia and we're gonna tell her we want her to come back home."

Emma's face lit up at the mention of Natalia. "We're gonna find Natalia?"

"We're gonna find her and we're gonna bring her _home._" Olivia replied, feeling her own excitement matching Emma's.

"Why can't we just call her?" Emma asked.

_Why do you have to be so logical? _"Cos that's not the way it works. She has to…she has to see us you know? She has to see that we care about her and then she's gonna give us hugs and kisses…" her mind wandered on the thought of kisses. "Why don't you pick a song? Okay? Just pick a song and start singing it and we'll just get there faster, okay? Em?"

Emma was crestfallen. She watched her mother as she seemed to twitch in her seat, hoping that she was convincing.

"C'mon. Sing." Olivia pressed, trying to be as cheerful as possible. "Why aren't you singing…?"

"Because you're scaring me." Emma replied, wincing as the words left her mouth.

_I'm scaring me too, kiddo._ Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. She reached into her purse as it sat on the passenger seat and dialed up Jane. She pressed herself against her seat, waiting for an answer. She heard Emma shift in the back, clicking her seatbelt as she watched her mother's brows knit together. Olivia pressed the fingers of her right hand to her temple, massaging it absently as she waited for Jane to answer.

"Hi Jane its Olivia. I'm going to drop Emma off to you in a bit because I've got to head out of town on business and she really wants to stay for camp. D'you think you can take her for the day? Okay. Great." She hung up the phone and tossed it into her still open purse. She turned in her seat to face Emma. "Okay Jellybean, I'm taking you to Jane and you're gonna get your cupcakes. How's that sound?"

Emma beamed and nodded emphatically.

Olivia started the car. _At least one of us gets what they want._

***************

The needle flirted with 70 mph and she knew she need to slow down but she'd already lost so much time dropping Emma off and promising her that she'd find Natalia. _Everything is going to be okay._ She felt like a broken record promising something that really wasn't hers to promise; she wasn't guaranteed to find Natalia on this trip, let alone that if she did that she could _get her_ to come home. She eased her foot on the gas, the needle dropping to a comfortable 65. _The right speed._ Her eyes flicked towards the dashboard to check the time. It was still early enough for her to hit at least two of Natalia's old jobs between now and getting back in time for Jeffery's memorial.

_He's really gone. Everybody leaves._

She pulled into the empty parking lot of the first bar listed in Natalia's list of previous employers. _No wonder she knew how to make a mean martini._ Olivia mused, shutting the car off and exhaling sharply. She climbed out of the car and entered the bar. She tsked as her phone vibrated in her pocket. "Yeah, Jane, thanks for taking Emma to camp. You're gonna stay with her until I get back?" Olivia eyed the back of the bartender's head as he moved behind the bar, loading up the shelves with fresh glasses. "Great. Tell her she can call me okay?" she shifted her weight nervously from foot to foot. "Great. Bye."

She slid the phone into her pocket and crossed towards the bar, resting her back on the seat of a nearby stool. "Hi. Hello."

"Hey. Hi…" the bartender replied, wiping down a glass before placing it on the back runner of the bar and turning to face Olivia.

"Are you Jonesy?" Olivia asked, her hands braced along the backs of the chairs that lined the bar.

"Jonsey, that's me, hi. Do we know each other?"

"No we don't. We have a mutual friend, Natalia Rivera."

"Nat!" Jonesy beamed, wiping his hands into his rag. "Yes, great girl. I think she married Nicky!" he said jovially, his left hand on his hip as he gestured towards Olivia with his right.

"Yeah, she did." Olivia replied with an emphatic nod and small smile. "Uhm, Nicky's dead." _He doesn't have to know when it happened, just that it happened…_

Jonesy stared at Olivia in disbelief. "Nicky's dead?"

"Yeah. Sorry…I…Natalia's really upset obviously and she took off any nobody knows where she is and I thought that maybe she came back here?" Olivia replied. _This is getting me nowhere fast._

"I haven't seen her." said Jonesy. He seemed genuinely upset that he hadn't.

Olivia cocked her head to the left, eying Jonesy suspiciously. _Enough crap already. It's impossible that nobody in this state has seen her._ "See…I think you're lying to me." Olivia could feel her grip on sanity slowly slipping. _Where the hell would you go?!_

"No…" Jonesy replied.

"Yeah…I think you are. I can see it in your eyes. You are. She's been here, you've seen her, and you know where she is so why don't you just tell me."

"Look lady I'm telling you…"

"I want to know. I need to talk to her d'you understand? So I need you to tell me just tell me where she is and I'll go."

"Well like I said…I don't know."

Olivia twitched. _If she wasn't near Springfield, she was close to Chicago and I'm in freaking Chicago with someone who said he's never seen her._ "Okay. You know what, I've got time. I can hang out here so don't mind me alright?" She rummaged through her purse to pull out a pair of handcuffs. _I was going to drag her back in these but you know what? She's gotta stop by at some point to use a bathroom or or or to stop by somewhere to say hi before she moves on to another town or city…_She crossed the floor towards the empty window frame and hooked one end of the cuff around the slat, the other around her wrist. She stood facing out of the bar, determined to get an answer. _OK what the hell am I thinking? This isn't going to do anything besides get me tossed in jail. _She braced herself against the frame and waited for something to happen.

She wasn't surprised when she heard Jonesy reach for the phone under the bar and dial for the cops. She hadn't thought of a game plan going beyond the driving to every job Natalia had ever had. _Tracking her down based on her habits didn't work the first time why would it work now? Because Remy did some illegal social security tracking to find her jobs? Because this time felt better than the last time? What the hell Olivia?!_ She stared out of the window, waiting for the inevitable police car to roll up. _Wouldn't it be great if it was Frank that showed up to get me? That'd be great. Icing on the cake of my life at the moment._

"Look lady, I called the cops, I hope you have the keys for them cuffs there." Jonesy said, bracing his hands on the countertop, staring Olivia's back as she waited. "I already told you, she's not here, I haven't seen her and if she's gone, it's probably for a good reason. I'm sorry."

Olivia ignored him. _You're not sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pathetic. I keep chasing after someone who doesn't want to be found. I don't think I have the key either, it might be buried somewhere in the bottom of the bag. Who cares? _She shifted her weight from foot to foot as a police patrol car rolled into the parking lot. She heard the sound of the car doors open and shut before she saw the door swing open and a uniformed officer walked in.

"What's going on Jonesy?" he asked, ambling over towards the bar, eyeing Olivia as he approached.

"This woman came in here asking for someone who I haven't seen and when she didn't like the answer I gave her, she just cuffed herself to the frame."

The officer turned his gaze to Olivia's back, watching her as she shifted her in place. "That true, miss?" he asked.

Olivia didn't move. She stared ahead of her, staring out of the window. _What're you gonna say? No officer, see, what happened was that the love of your life walked out on me without a word, left me no freaking breadcrumbs leaving me in my diminishing mental state to go on a wild goose chase…digging through her past in the hopes that I'll catch her somewhere and what I did just to clear my mind was cuff myself to the bar so I could think. No. None of it is true. Jonesy's making it up. Have a good day._

"Excuse me, miss, I'm talking to you." The officer's voice butted into Olivia's thoughts. He stood on her right, standing akimbo, eyeing her.

"Mhm?"_ Good answer Olivia._

"Do you have the key for that lock?" he asked.

Olivia winced. "Probably somewhere in my bag…" she looked at his badge. Cooper. _Perfect._

"Probably isn't an answer. Do you have the keys or not?"

"I don't know. I didn't think to check…"

"Okay." Officer Cooper nodded. "I need some I.D. Have ya got that at least?"

Olivia nodded. "My purse…" He picked up the purse gingerly and deposited it in front of her. Olivia picked up her wallet with her free right hand and held out her id. He nodded.

"Springfield eh?" he fished into the utility pocket of his belt and pulled out the dead man's key.

"You wouldn't happen to have family there would you?" Olivia asked, hoping the answer was no. _Maybe God is merciful._

"No, Ms. Spencer, I don't. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to put you under arrest for trespassing." He unlocked the cuffs and put on his own handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silent…"

**********

"This is ridiculous! I wasn't trespassing I was waiting for a friend, you can't _possibly _keep me in here for doing something as simple as that!" Olivia whined, staring at the profile of the police officer that stood just outside of her cell. "I wasn't even bothering the guy! I just…"

"Listen, I need you to keep it down." The guard urged.

"Oh what? Am I annoying the other prisoners? There's nobody here!" Olivia fired back. "Hey! Don't I get a phone call, I want a phone call!"

The guard shook his head and stared ahead of him, ignoring her. Olivia turned on her heel and sat on the small concrete bench at the back of the cell, staring at her shackled wrists in disbelief. _Great work, Olivia. Great. You get arrested for trespassing in a bar Natalia worked in probably when she just turned 21, a bar she hasn't thought about in God knows how long. You get arrested by a guy whose last name is freaking Cooper and you're alone in the middle of a Chicago suburb no where NEAR closer to finding her._ She rested her chin in her hands, staring at the concrete floor, feeling like the world was crumbling around her. _I have nowhere else to go. Remy's list is useless, they're all going to say the same damn thing. I haven't seen her, I don't know where she is and then call the cops. The rate I'm going I'm going to have a rap sheet a mile long._

"Hey…" she whispered after a moment of silence. "Can I get that call now?"

He stared at Olivia as she sat quietly, her hands held out pleading. "Yeah. Hang on." He disappeared down the hall and returned with a cell phone. "One call." He held it out to her.

She dialed the only other number she knew by heart.

"Hey Josh, it's me."

Josh smiled as she added sugar to his cup of coffee. "Well be still my beating heart. You up for a little pool today, I'm feeling lucky."

"Well, if you come and get me I'm in." Olivia replied.

Josh's brows knit together in confusion. "Oh, I see, you're already ahead of me on the drinking thing then and you need a ride. Okay. Where are you?" he smiled at the thought of having to be the white knight to Olivia's damsel in distress.

Olivia crossed her fingers. "Chicago. I have my car. I just need some bail money."

"I'll be there ASAP." He hung up and shook his head. He pocketed his phone and headed out, coffee cup in hand.

**************

"I'm pretty sure there's a misunderstanding here…" Olivia said, speaking to the guard as though he cared.

"Lady. I told you, keep it down, okay? Your friend will pay your bail and you can be on your way."

Olivia sucked her teeth. "Have you ever lost someone you loved for reasons you can't explain? Not to death, but just because they couldn't talk to you? They just up and left you in the dust without a word or a message or a reason. Has that ever happened to you?"

The guard, Officer Mason, cricked his neck, his arms folded across his chest. "Listen, I'm gonna put you in solitary in a second if you don't stop talking to me."

"I already am in solitary…" Olivia grumbled.

Mason shifted on his feet and gave Olivia a sideways glance. "Y'know, a lot of people have hard times dealing with things, some of them go on vacation, get a drink or just do something to keep them occupied. If you cared about your friend so much, you would've done one of those things insteada getting arrested."

"I tried all of that, didn't work."

"Try harder next time."

Olivia grunted and pushed away from the bars, her hands held uselessly in front of her in the cuffs. _He doesn't care. The world doesn't care if you're miserable, Olivia, deal with it. It's bad enough you're going to have to owe Josh an explanation, how are you going to explain it to Emma when you have to come back to Chicago for a court date or something?_ _This is exactly what happens when you don't think things through. I wonder if Natalia has gotten into trouble…I wonder if she's okay…I wonder if she's in the same place as I am…_

"I don't even think she cares at this point." She said aloud without realizing.

"What's that?" Mason asked, glancing into the cell.

"Nothing…"

***************  
***************

"Spencer!" Officer Cooper's voice boomed down the hallway as he rounded the corner from the office towards the tombs. "Congratulations, you made bail." He nodded for Mason to open the cell. "You're very lucky, Jonesy's not pressing charges." Olivia mentally thanked God for small miracles. She stepped back as the door swung open and Mason entered.

"Hands up." Mason ordered and Olivia obediently held up her wrists, watching as Mason unlocked the cuffs. She rubbed her wrists and exited the cell.

She followed Officer Cooper as he headed back to the front office where Josh stood waiting, a smug look on his face. "Hey you." He greeted watching as Olivia took a seat next to the processing desk. She watched Cooper sign off on a few forms before he slid the paperwork over to Olivia who signed it dutifully and waited for her personal items to be handed over to her. "Now Ms. Spencer, I'd like to think you won't be doing something like this again. Am I right in this assumption?"

"Yep." Olivia replied, rummaging through her purse, blushing at the sound of the cuffs as they clinked at the top of her bag. She hoped Josh hadn't seen them. "I'll keep the cuffs in the bedroom."

Officer Cooper glanced up at Josh. "She's all yours."

*********************************

Olivia rubbed her sore wrists as she followed Josh out of the precinct. "Thank you, so much. That guard was unbearable."

"He said the same thing about you." Josh replied, a smirk on his face.

"How much do I owe you for this?" Olivia asked, ignoring his playful barb.

"I'm not gonna tell you."

"How am I gonna pay you back?"

"Oh, you'll pay me back, Olivia, you will pay me back." Josh countered, sliding off his shades, a cocky grin brightening his face.

"Alright, I at least owe you an explanation cos you came all this way to bail me out…"

"Stop. You don't owe me anything at all okay? I have several scenarios in my head about what was going on and I like them all and I think I'll stick with them."

"It was a good…explanation." Olivia offered.

"I'm sure." Josh said, turning to get into his side of the car.

Olivia made herself comfortable in the passenger seat, clicking her seatbelt and watching Josh out of the corner of her eye. She bit her bottom lip, hoping he wouldn't ask any more questions but she felt herself wanting to share.

"So, where's your car?" Josh asked, backing out of the parking space.

"Jonesy's Bar on Route 19."

"Ah. What's it doing there?" he asked casually as he reached over and punched in the bar's name into his GPS.

_Doris was right, everyone has one of those._ "I stopped there…"

"To drink? Long way from Farley's."

"To look for Natalia." She blurted out.

"Natalia?"

Olivia swallowed hard. "She's missing and I just…I wanted to know why she left and the only thing I could think of was going through her past…."

"This isn't about the wedding is it?"

"No."

Josh nodded. "How long have you two been…"

"Not long. Well. Long but…"

"Since before the wedding I'm guessing…"

Olivia blanched. "Yeah…is it obvious?"

"It was obvious the day I stopped by the wedding shower, you had that unnatural glow that comes over a person when they're in love. You had it with me, but to be fair I think it was brighter…" he chuckled as he glanced over at Olivia who was staring wistfully out of the windshield. "So you thought that handcuffing yourself to a bar in Chicago was the best way to find Natalia."

"I wasn't thinking?" Olivia replied with a shrug. "I'm lost Josh. I miss her."

"So you were talking about her at the bar the other day."

"Yes." She looked down at her hands and flexed her fingers. "Jeffery was the only person who'd figured it out…"

"He always was a smart guy."

Olivia nodded and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I just wish I knew why she left…she seemed so…God, would you believe that I don't even remember what she was like before she disappeared?"

"Grief does that to people."

"If she wanted to leave, she could've just said goodbye, I would've understood…."

"Sometimes Olivia, the hardest thing to do is say goodbye…That it?" Josh gestured with his chin at the parking lot of Jonesy's, her car still sat in the same place she had parked it.

"Yeah. That's it." she said, grateful that he was dropping the subject. _That's two more on you, Natalia. I can say that I love you to my ex-husband but you can't even say you love me at all._ She winced at the old stabbing pain that lanced through her ribs. _I have to stop being so cold._ She slid out of Josh's car and fished around her purse for her car keys.

"Hey, Olivia?" Josh called, turning putting the car in park and stepping out.

"Yeah?"

"I won't tell, okay?"

"Thanks…but it doesn't matter at this point. She's gone and that's that."

"I don't think so…if she left, she probably has a good reason and when she's ready to come home, she'll go running to you. I know I would."

Olivia blushed. She crossed the front of the car and grabbed Josh into a tight hug. "You always know how to talk to a lady." She chuckled, her face buried in his neck.

"I never said you were a lady…" Josh quipped, wrapping his arms around Olivia and matching her tight squeeze. "Just promise me you'll take care of yourself for real this time. I don't think the Lewis' have enough money to bail out one Spencer." He chucked her gently under the chin with his right hand. "Race you back to Springfield?"

"Loser buys a round." Olivia replied with a small smile.

*************  
*************

Olivia let Josh beat her to Springfield, opting to drive slower and figuring with all that he had done, she at least owed him beers. She pulled the car into the park and sat quietly, watching the summer breeze catch the bright green leaves in the trees.

She remembered sitting on a bench in the spring watching these same leaves move in the breeze, her head resting on Natalia's shoulder. There was nothing more perfect that moment of just sitting and being with her. Her right hand slid up her shirt, unbuttoning the topmost button to rub at the scar, phantom pain radiating from it. She was tired of this near constant state of misery she found herself in and telling Josh hadn't made it better, it only made worse, made the fact that she was alone even more real. It made the fact that she had to face Ava at her father's memorial service even worse because when she said what she had to say, the fear or the relief wouldn't be celebrated with Natalia, it would be a small victory that no one but Ava and herself would know. She cricked her neck and rolled her head on her shoulders preparing to get out of the car and stretch her legs. She had spent hours sitting in a car, sitting in a jail cell, sitting in a car and the pattern needed to be stopped. At least for a little while.

_Do you see the things I'd do for you Natalia?_

She was crossing the baseball field when the sound of a bat cracking against a baseball brought her eyes up from the grass towards the sound. Rafe was at the plate in his own imaginary baseball game, hitting balls as hard as he could, sending them careening off into the outfield. He dropped the bat and trotted towards Olivia.

"Hey!" he barked, closing the gap between them in several long strides. "Where the hell is my mother?"

"I dunno, where is she?" Olivia replied, her hands held up at her chest, fingers fidgeting and trying her best to not smack Rafe.

"You tell me, you're the one who drove her away."

"I didn't drive her away, she left."

"No, I know that, she left me because of _you._"

_I have no time or patience for this. Can't a person live a miserable existence alone? _"What?" Olivia asked, failing to see Rafe's logic.

"Look you tired to take advantage of her alright?" Rafe explained, watching as Olivia scratched her nose, staring off into right field.

_The hell with this. _"What, what is it with you?! Maybe it was _you_ maybe it was because your _church _made her feel dirty. Maybe it's because you tried treated her like she was a _bad person _because she fell in love with someone!" Olivia had taken two steps closer to Rafe, slowly losing her firm grip on control.

"'Scuse me?" Rafe replied incredulously.

"Yeah. You." Olivia barked, her face inches from his.

"First of all. You. Ok. It was _your_ fault."

"My fault."

"Yeah…"

"What is wrong with you? How could you do that? How could you make her feel that loving anyone could be wrong? How could you not be happy for her?"

"You don't love her!" Rafe exclaimed over Olivia. "You didn't love her. You didn't care about her or care about what made her happy you just wanted someone to love _you _you couldn't find somebody so you chose my mother. Okay? You took advantage of her because she was _weak_"

Olivia pulled her glasses off to get a better look at the kid that was yelling at her about how messed up her life was. "Oh God…" she murmured, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Whatever." Rafe replied, turning on his heels and stalking off.

_Way to blow that one. No only did you blow your top on him but he's probably going to tell his mother what happened and I'll be the bad guy._ She stood stock still for a moment, blinking against the sun as it shone down brighter than before. She eyed the baseballs and bat that Rafe had been messing around with and headed towards them, anger and hurt still bubbling under her skin. She tossed her purse angrily on the floor and grabbed two baseballs in her right and left hand, hurling them one after the other with her right, watching as they ricocheted off the chain link fence and bounced off somewhere over her shoulder. _Those could've gotten me in the face._ She thought angrily as she stalked towards the fence, kicking a clump of rocks and dirt with her right foot, watching it explode and hid alongside the storage shed. She tried counting to ten, going slowly but losing count her heart slamming violently against her chest. _One. Two. Three. Four…_She slammed her hands against the fence, an angry sob tearing from her throat.

****************  
****************

She was going to pick up Ava and it was going to be okay. She'd use the grief for her daughter and Jeffery to cover up the fact that inside, she was falling to pieces. She was going to go through the motions of grief for Jeffery and was certain that for the fist time in her life, she'd agree with Reva on the level of loss they were experiencing.

Olivia wanted to do things right for once and so far, she'd been batting zeros but she decided the best thing to do was to tell Ava like she had wanted to the first time around. _Just after the spa…I should've told her then because then, I had Natalia right there with me._ _at some point, I'm going to have to grow a spine._

********************  
The memorial was quiet and dignified, the way Jeffery would've wanted it. Everyone gave passionate eulogies honoring Jeffery, leaving mementos in a box along with their heartfelt apologies to Reva. Olivia flinched as Rafe spoke, apologizing for his violence towards Jeffery, the act that had put him in jail. _You'll never know how hard I tried to get you out for your mother. Or how I tore the doorframe she used to track how tall you were getting out of a rundown apartment for her just so she could have it installed in the farmhouse to keep a piece of you with her. You'll never know any of that. You'll never know how hard I tried to keep her going when she wanted to quit or how she kept me going when I wanted to die. You're absolutely right, Rafael, I don't love her. _

Reva lost control, screaming at the blown up photo of Jeffery as it stood at the front of the congregation. She kicked over the stand and stormed off, effectively cutting off the service and causing everyone to roam around the park while waiting for Reva to either return or calm down.

Olivia trailed behind Ava as she made her way to a bench and sat down. Olivia listened to her daughter as she spoke about Jeffery, the things he used to do with her. Olivia nodded, upset that she'd robbed her of her time with him. _I just keep screwing up everything don't I?_ She tried giving advice, hating that she felt completely useless and resigning herself to her own words "This is one of those days where you have to let yourself be sad." _What if I've had one of those months or weeks? Shouldn't I be exempt from that?_ She let Ava excuse herself and watched as she spoke to Remy. _This kid had been through hell and I just can't protect her from it._

Philip broke into her thoughts as he complimented her on her great Ava is. "I kinda wish someone could be here for me…just…feel like I'm dealing with everything on my own." Olivia admitted to Philip, fixing her shoulder strap.

"I don't think that's true, you're a huge part of this town…you're connected to practically everybody."

_I think Phillip just indirectly called me a social matrix. Or a skank._ "Then why do I feel so alone?"

Phillip shrugged. "Same reason everybody does…you don't ask for help, no one will know what to do for you." He squeezed her shoulder and gave her a small smile. "It's gonna be okay."

_It's always going to be just okay. Why can't it just be perfect? Why can't it be easy or just simple?_ She watched as Ava stood up and crossed towards her. Olivia felt a small smile cross her face. "I've got to talk to you…"

They sat in the baseball dugout, knees touching as Olivia took a deep breath and reached for her daughters hand. "There are things you don't know about me…things that I would rather you hear from me than somebody else. It was really, a hard year last year. A lot of loss. With Gus and the baby…Coop and then finally your father."

"It's been overwhelming…" Ava admitted, blinking quickly at the rush of fresh tears.

"I know. I know. I don't know if I could've gotten through that without a really special person in my life…I mean…Natalia she…she saved me."

"I know. She gave you Gus' heart."

Olivia nodded. _Now or never._ "She gave me more than that. She…she…nursed me back to health and she stood by me when I probably didn't deserve it and made me realize how precious life is. And she…taught me how to love."

Ava watched her mother intently, unsure of where this was going. "She's a very special woman." She admitted, looking down at the ground for a moment before looking up at Olivia.

"We fell in love."

Ava stared at her mother, a look of confusion on her face while Olivia was feeling strangely confident. After all, she'd already lost Natalia, what else was there left to lose?

"You…you love…you love Natalia?" Ava stammered, grasping the words out of thin air.

"More than I have ever loved anyone in my life."

Ava paused, Olivia's words sinking in. "I think that's wonderful. And I'm really happy for you."

Olivia felt a rush of relief spill into her bloodstream, the warmth chasing the ice cold chill that had been running through her veins as of late. _She still could save me._ She felt overwhelmed because in that same instant, the cold swelled up again, the bitter chill reminding her that while she'd just admitted that she was in love with Natalia, Natalia wasn't there with her, repeating it, consoling her, congratulating her, reveling in her courage. She felt tears well up in her eyes and tired to fight them back.

"I said I was happy for you…" Ava repeated, her arm looping around Olivia's shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Olivia sniffled and tilted her head, trying to regain composure. "It should be a really great thing, it really should," she replied mechanically, wiping at her cheeks and eyes "but y'know it got to be too hard for her and she left so…"

"Well where did she go?" Ava pressed, her heart breaking for Olivia. "I'll go get her."

"She doesn't wanna be found."

"Mom are you okay?"

"No." Olivia bit back a sardonic laugh. "No honey, I'm not." She cupped Ava's face with her right hand, squeezing her cheeks gently as she tried to calm herself down. She let Ava pull her into a tight embrace, the feeling of loss overtaking them both.

**********************************

Olivia agreed to take Remy and Ava to the cemetery to visit Max's grave. They drove in silence, Remy in the backseat while Ava rode passenger, her eyes focused out of her window, watching the scenery. Remy sat awkwardly, studying the back of Ava's head intently, his right hand fiddling with his wedding band on his left ring finger.

After Olivia parked, the separated and Olivia realized that the one place she needed to look for answers, she hadn't gone to. She stood before Gus' memorial, remembering the last time she'd been there was the hour before the wedding. _Before it all changed, before I said something I couldn't take back and wouldn't in a million years ever take back because it's just like you said Natalia, once those words come out, you can't ever take them back._ "So if you have any pull with Natalia…could you please just tell her to come home? I'll make her happy…we'll make each other happy. I promise." She heard footfalls in front of her and looked up from Gus' marker to see Rafe ambling towards her, his suit jacket clutched in his left hand, sleeves rolled up.

_He looks like Gus._ They made eye contact. Hers was subdued; she just didn't have it in her to fight or scream anymore. His was a stone cold glare. Olivia took the high road, turned and left the scene, leaving Rafe to amble down the two steps and sit.

_It's a day of loss all around isn't it?_ She thought to herself as she made her way back to the car to wait for Remy and Ava. _I made a list of things to do and all of them failed. I failed. Maybe it's just that I need to wait. Maybe it's a test. Maybe that's what I'm missing. It's not about me, it's about her and what she wants._ She leaned against the hood of the car, scratching her inner wrist absently as she thought to herself. _What she needs to do for herself, the things that'll make her happy. It's about her. Maybe it'll be good. It'll be great because clearly, I want to be with her…I'd do anything for her…I have done everything I could possibly do for her. _"God, if you're listening…just…please…make it better. Help her find her way home."


	11. Surrender

**Surrender**

On her last day in retreat, Natalia learns that she's much braver than she thought she could be and finds the right way to say what she needs to say without regrets.

I'm officially pulling things out of hat at this point because well, I'm in withdrawl. More speculation about what, where, how and when those two will get together and as usual, I'm ignoring the baby thing because well, it's stupid.

Let me know how these music theme titles are working for you, have you checked out the songs to see how they sync up? Got any that you think would be interesting? Shoot me a line. Thanks for caring.

As usual, the girls (except for the obvious add on) are the property of CBS, Proctor and Gamble and Telenext, I'll be nice.

Title: Blake Lewis-Surrender

*******************************************

Natalia scratched at the underside of her elbow, straining to see if she had a mosquito bite or poison ivy or some other horrible skin affliction. She made a face and pouted, her dimples embedding themselves in her cheeks as she sucked her teeth. She was standing outside of the administrative office waiting for Sydney, who was stocking her backpack with first aid supplies. When Sydney emerged, Natalia looked up from her elbow, the frown still on her face.

"What're we doing that you need a first aid kit?" Natalia asked, watching as Sydney zipped up the bag and slung it over her shoulder.

"We're gonna go bear wrestling." Sydney replied with a smirk.

Natalia gaped at Sydney in disbelief.

"Relax, it was a joke. You didn't know what we were doing yesterday and you liked it just fine." Sydney gave her a sideways smile and it caught her off guard. It unnerved her just how similar she was to Olivia. "Besides, I wouldn't put you in a situation you couldn't handle."

"Mhm." Natalia replied, her right hand immediately coming up to scratch her left elbow again. "I think I was bitten by something…"

"Lemme see…" Sydney peered at Natalia's elbow. It was an angry red, the small bug bite swelling with each passing of Natalia's nails. "Good job on releasing the histamine." Sydney quipped, reopening her bag and pulling out a small squeeze tube of anti histamine. She put a small dab of the white cream on her right index finger and rubbed it over Natalia's sore elbow. "Bet you're glad I have this now aren't you…there, that'll stop the itching."

Natalia watched Sydney as she applied the cream, the medicated cool radiation through her elbow. "Thanks…"

"Yep. Now, c'mon. Got a lot to do before you go home…" Sydney tossed the tube into her bag, zipped it and slung it back over her left shoulder. "I'm going to the mess hall to get some lunch and water. Do you need anything?"

Natalia thought for a moment. _My cell phone…my life._ "I'm gonna take a look. Where should I meet you…?"

"I'll go to your room." Sydney replied, heading off towards the mess hall.

***************************

She stared at the landline as if it were a live snake in her bedroom. Her right hand burned to reach out and dial Olivia's number but she was afraid that her jaw would lock up and the line would be silent, sending Olivia into a fit of hysteria and she would hang up. Or she would call and Olivia would answer and proceed to use every colorful word in her vocabulary.

Natalia hated those scenarios.

She dialed her own number, hoping to retrieve any other messages Olivia might have left only to find that she only had the ones she'd saved from the day she left. Her messages had stopped coming in. Natalia felt her confidence slipping; all that work towards finding her strength falling apart around her as she realized that maybe leaving was a bigger mistake than she thought it would be. She listened to Olivia's messages, the love that was in them, even when she was frustrated…_She does care. She cares more than I thought she could._

Natalia hung up the phone and bit her bottom lip, debating whether or not she wanted to call anyone in Springfield besides Olivia. She had Blake. Rafe.

Rafe.

_Would he even care? Has he even noticed? _She reached for the phone again, her hand resting on the handset's spine. She pulled away and rooted under her bed for the dirty sneakers she'd worn yesterday. She pulled them on, laced them and reached for her cell phone. She slid it into the pocket of her jeans and made the sign of the cross before opening her door and meeting Sydney outside.

*******************************

"Did you mean what you said about it being romantic that Olivia was looking for me?" Natalia blurted out as they made their way up a winding uphill trail towards a project site. She managed to keep up with Sydney and she was secretly excited about the idea.

"No. I made it up." Sydney deadpanned, stepping over a large chunk of fallen branch. "I have no soul and find things like that trivial." She turned and extended her right hand to Natalia to help her over the partially rotten hunk of wood.

Natalia stopped mid-step, her arm in mid-air as she stared at Sydney.

"I was kidding. Yes. I meant it, now c'mon before termites and other adorable things burrow into your legs and eat your flesh." Natalia let out a squeak, took Sydney's outstretched hand braced her foot on the topmost part of the branch and hopped over. "You're really not outdoorsy at all…"

"I told you I wasn't!" Natalia replied, lengthening her strides to keep up with Sydney. She smiled and the muscles in her face felt tight; she hadn't genuinely smiled in a long time. _Not since Olivia…_ "Why would she go through all the trouble to find me…?" Natalia whispered her breathing heavily as the trail took an incline.

"She loves you. We went through this already." Sydney replied, a hint of exasperation in her voice. "The better question is why you would go through all the trouble to hide."

Natalia swallowed hard. "I told you…"

"It's complicated. I remember." Sydney answered curtly.

"Well. I don't hear your theories getting any better than mine." Natalia shot back, an edge to her voice.

Sydney stopped mid stride and turned to face Natalia who was a few paces behind her. "My theory? My theory is you got overwhelmed when Olivia said she wanted more than you were ready to give at that moment. That with Rafe and your faith got in the way and you took the easy way out. How's that working for you?"

"You sound just like Olivia."

"Then we're both wicked logical aren't we?" Sydney asked, her head cocked to the side as she watched Natalia search for words. "Natalia. I didn't bring you up here to hound you on your decisions, but if you're going to hide behind I don't knows, it's complicated and running then you can't expect to be happy with Olivia can you?"

Natalia dug the toe of her sneaker into the dirt, burrowing as far as possible with it. She watched her foot with interest, chewing her bottom lip. "It's not as easy as running to her and saying I'm sorry."

"It is if you say it right."

Natalia looked up to the canopy in exasperation. "Olivia. Means everything to me. I want to give her everything she deserves but…I don't know what that is. I don't know if it's sex, I don't know if it's love I don't know if its…" she searched the canopy for the right word.

"Enough?" Sydney offered, watching as Natalia stared up into the tree line, the shafts of light that made it through the leaves casting shadows a light on her face.

"Yes…"

"Obviously just having you in the same zip code is enough for her."

Natalia made a face and lowered her gaze from the canopy to Sydney. "I ran because I can't handle it."

"BREAKTHROUGH!" Sydney crowed, clapping animatedly, the sound echoing through the forest. "How do you feel now that you said it out loud?"

"Stupid." Natalia admitted with a shrug. "I already knew that's why I ran…"

"Yeah but you didn't say it out loud. Which means…you have something to say to Olivia when you get home."

"Yeah because she's going to be real understanding to that. 'I left because I'm scared and can't handle this.'" Natalia scoffed, folding her arms across her chest, kicking at a rock and sending it skittering across the dirt.

"It's a start." Sydney replied. "C'mon, we're not too far from your first big project. I promise you'll find a better way to say what you need to say."

*****************************

When they reached the clearing, Natalia was rubbing her side as she took deep gulps of air. She took the water bottle Sydney held out to her appreciatively and waited for the pain to ebb before twisting off the cap and chugging. Thirst quenched, she looked up and noticed that Sydney was suspected three feet in the air, bouncing on a long rope, and her hands above her head holding another rope for balance.

"What the hell is that?" Natalia asked, her eyes wide.

"Rope bridge." Sydney answered, hopping from the single braided rope to the ground. She jogged over to Natalia, a grin on her face.

"Where's the bridge part?"

"Where I was standing. C'mon, I just tested the weight on it so you'll be fine…not that you're heavy or anything…"

"That's not comforting at all." Natalia replied, still staring at the structure that was suspended between two trees, the support reinforced by two steel rods that were embedded deep into the earth at the root of the tree. There was a platform on both sides. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Well." Sydney replied, taking Natalia's wrist and leading her towards the platform on the right. "You put one foot in front of the other, balance yourself and you go from point a to point b without falling."

"And if I fall."

"Well it's not lava, so you won't die." Sydney replied, hoisting herself up onto the platform.

Natalia glared at Sydney as she stood on the ground, looking up. "Okaaayy…you just start over again. It's simple."

Natalia stepped onto the platform and stared down the ropes. She chewed on her bottom lip.

"I'll go first if you want." Sydney replied, watching Natalia shift nervously.

"Yeah…" Natalia replied absently, watching Sydney as she braced her left foot on the bottom rope, her left grasping the overhanging rope. She put her full weight on her left as she brought her right hand and foot onto the rope, which sagged slightly under the weight.

"Okay. So the trick is to move your hand when you move your foot. I can get fancy and cross my ankles over each other when I go across but I won't do that…" She stood with her legs shoulder length apart, her arms over head and grinned at Natalia. "See. It's easy." She bounced on the rope, sending rippling waves down the line.

Natalia swallowed. It was a considerable distance between where she stood and where Sydney was heading.

"You just have to slide your hand with your leg." Sydney demonstrated, her left leg sliding along with her left hand, wobbling along as she went.

"What am I supposed to learn from this exactly?" Natalia asked, trying to build up the courage to take hold of the rope.

"You're supposed to learn…" Sydney replied through an exerted breath, "Balance." She turned her head to see if Natalia was joining her on the line; she was in the middle of the line and moving quickly towards the other platform.

"Couldn't we just do that on a straight line on the ground?"

"Nope. That's the easy way out." Sydney grinned. "C'mon, just put one foot on the line, one hand up top and guide yourself across."

Natalia took a deep breath and braced her foot on the rope. Sydney stayed still, watching as Natalia repeated her example. She stood on the rope, her legs splayed and arms wobbly as she took a half inch step towards Sydney.

"There you go." Sydney encouraged, watching as Natalia slowly inched along the ropes, eyes narrowed in concentration. After fifteen minutes of navigating, wobbling and nearly tumbling from the line, Natalia joined Sydney in the center of the rope line, the ropes bowing under their combined weight. "How you feeling?"

"My hands hurt." Natalia blushed, looking up at her red aching palms.

"Least of your problems." Sydney replied with a smile before resuming her trek across. "Feeling braver?"

"Not really…" Natalia replied, looking down and groaning. "Shouldn't there be a net or something down there?"

"It's not that high up, I jumped it before." Sydney replied, pivoting and balancing one foot behind the other, her hands above her head, back towards Natalia.

"Is that you showing off?" Natalia asked, watching as Sydney continued ahead of her, effortlessly crossing the line like a gymnast on a balance beam.

"No, just giving you room to move." Sydney called over her shoulder as she opened up the gap between them, practically sprinting the last few feet towards the far platform.

Natalia wobbled in the middle of the ropes, her arms aching from the awkward position above her head, her knees shaking from the near constant movement of the rope beneath her feet. She tried to steady herself, her heart rate picking up as she slid her left foot along, right foot following suit.

"There you go…" Sydney urged. She was seated on the platform, her legs dangling with her shades perched on top of her head.

Natalia's jaw clenched as she negotiated the ropes, wobbling and nearly falling backwards off of the ropes. She kept her eyes focused on the rope overhead, watching her left hand move slowly, grasp and moving herself sideways along the line. She let out her breaths in short bursts as she cleared the center of the line and was at the home stretch, her eyes cast down at her left foot as it led her along. She hazarded an extension of her legs, stretching as far as she could and dragged her right leg along the length of the rope, her sneaker bobbing along the fibers. She wobbled violently between the two ropes, her muscles aching as she braced herself for the inevitable fall. She closed her eyes as she felt her body lurch forward, her hands clasped tight around the rope as it dug into her skin. She balanced awkwardly between the ropes, her heart hammering against her ribs.

Sydney was standing hopped off the platform and stood directly below Natalia, arms held out at the ready to catch her. Natalia's eyes popped open and she looked down to see Sydney standing beneath her.

_She's right. It's not that far down._ She thought as she took a deep breath and adjusted her weight, shifting her left foot closer to her right. She was practically standing bolt upright. "Now what?" she asked, looking down at Sydney who hadn't moved. "I'm stuck."

"No you're not. You're fine." Sydney replied, watching her. "You're right there Natalia."

Natalia glanced to her right, where she began, then to the left where she was going. It was only a six paces away. She pivoted her right foot so that it ran parallel to the ropes. Turning sideways, she held her arms above her head, mimicking Sydney's maneuver and walking like she was on a straight line. She let out a sigh of relief as her left foot made contact with the platform and couldn't suppress the smile that spread across her face. A hearty laugh escaped her throat and she clutched her sides, laughing hysterically.

"What'd I tell you?" Sydney hollered from the ground, a goofy smile on her face.

Natalia turned and sat on the platform, rubbing her sore palms together. Sydney cocked her head to the right, arms folded across her chest, a smug look on her face. "Shut up."

"What? I didn't say anything…" Sydney replied tossing Natalia her water bottle. She caught it gingerly in her hands, the cool plastic soothing to her raw palms. "Don't tell Olivia I knocked you around…I don't want her coming after me."

"Funny." Natalia replied, unscrewing the cap and downing the water. She let out an appreciative 'ahh' as she capped it off again. "So. How was that?"

"I should be asking you that. How was it?"

Natalia looked at the ropes, it seemed innocuous now. "Scary. But. I'm glad I did it."

"What'd you learn?" Sydney leaned against the tree, looking up at Natalia as she stared at the ropes intently.

"I can do anything if I just do it."

"A Nike Ad if I ever heard one." Sydney quipped. "And how can you apply that skill to your life?"

Natalia rolled her eyes. "I know what you're trying to do."

"What? What am I trying to do?"

"You're trying to get me to be brave and face my problems."

"Noooooooooooooo…not at alllllllllll." Sydney replied sarcastically.

Natalia chuckled and slid from the platform, landing on her feet solidly. "I appreciate it. Really. I do. But uh, can it be something that doesn't leave me banged up and scarred?" she held up her raw hands, they were pink and red with dirt and scrapes from the rope.

"I thought chicks dig scars." said Sydney. She reached for her backpack and unzipped it, pulling out a packet of Handy-Wipes and tossing it to Natalia. "Does Olivia know you're this prissy?"

"I am not prissy. I worked four jobs at once and one of them was as a maid. What I had to do there would give you nightmares." Natalia replied, rubbing her palms together, the dirt and grit making the white wipe a dull brown.

"Nightmares you say?" Sydney replied. "You can't live your life without a few scars at least."

"I have."

"Mhm. Lucky you." Sydney held up her left forearm, a long thin scar ran along the outer part heading towards the elbow. "Plate glass window."

Natalia stared at the scar intently for a moment. "Impressive. How old were you?"

"19."

"How old are you now?"

"20."

Natalia's eyes went wide. "You're 20." she repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah. Why?"

"You…you just seem older."

"Wiser and more mature. I get that a lot. Comes from being raised in an old school home." Sydney zipped up the bag again and slipped it onto her back, adjusting it and giving Natalia a smile. She slid on her shades, shielding her eyes. "Now, we move on to phase two of the new you. How good are you at swimming…?"

"Wait." Natalia replied, grabbing Sydney's shoulder as she turned to head back down the trail.

"Lemme guess, you're made of sugar and can't be exposed to water lest you melt…"

"No." Natalia replied. She studied her reflection in Sydney's shades and frowned. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say. "Can we skip the lake at least?"

"Wuss." Sydney said. "Let's roll."

"Where are we going now?"

"Does it matter?"

Natalia fretted for a moment and nodded. "Ok. You're right. I'm following you."

******************

Clouds gathered overhead and Sydney frowned as they wound their way back down the trail towards the lake. "I think it's gonna rain…" she said, stopping and looking up through a clearing in the canopy.

A thick raindrop plopped on her forehead.

"Take it back. It's gonna rain."

"What's that mean?" Natalia asked, watching Sydney wipe the drop off her forehead, her nose scrunched up in distaste.

"It means we're gonna have to go indoors, unless you fancy trying your luck with lightening…"

"No I think I'm okay…" Natalia replied.

They returned to Natalia's cabin and Sydney gave a small shrug. "Guess we'll have to use what you did today as a stepping stone for what you have to do later right? I'll see you…" As she turned to leave, the sky opened up and rain came down in sheets. She stood in place, watching the rain turn the parched earth into mud from the front of Natalia's doorstep.

"Are you made of sugar?" Natalia joked, leaning against the doorframe, her arms folded across her chest.

"Y'know it's really only funny when I say it." Sydney replied, turning to make a face at Natalia.

"Well, if you'd like, you can come in here. Til it clears up…"

Thunder rumbled overhead.

"Yeah I'm gonna do that." Sydney turned on her heels and entered Natalia's cabin just as loud clap erupted from the sky.

******************

The rain battered down on the camp grounds, beating into the roof of the cabin and tapping against the windows. Sydney stood at the large window in Natalia's room and watched as the rain ran down the glass in rivulets.

"Kinda rainy out." Sydney mused, her hands in her pockets as she turned to see Natalia sit on her bed, cell phone in her lap, sneakers kicked off and her legs tucked under her. "You could use the land line if you wanted to…"

Natalia looked from her phone startled. "I…"

"Wouldn't know what to say, I get it." Sydney replied turning from the window and dragging a chair towards Natalia. She slid her feet out of her sneakers as she sat down and leaned on her knees with her elbows. "You can't fixate on what you have to say, just that you want to say something. Words don't matter as long as you have an idea of what they sound like."

"And if they sound like crap?"

"Better than nothing."

Natalia leaned back in the bed, the springs squeaking under the shift. "Have you ever tried to say something near impossible to someone?"

"What? Like 'hey sorry I disappeared from your life for almost a month have a cookie it'll make you feel better'? No."

Natalia grabbed a pillow and heaved it at Sydney as hard as she could. Sydney caught it with her left hand effortlessly and balled it up against her into a bear hug. "Can't you be serious for a second?!"

"I've gone for a minute, personal best was two minutes."

"You sound just like her."

"Oh I'm pretty sure she could go longer…"

Natalia chuckled and stared at her cell phone again, frowning at the NO SERVICE message as it stared back at her. "I want to talk to her and just tell her that I'm scared because it's all so new…and I don't want to lose anything that we have…or anyone that we have."

"Should I write this down? In case you forget?" Sydney offered, looking around for the courtesy notepad and pen.

"I'm being serious."

"So am I. Natalia, you're speaking from the _heart._ Don't you think that's the only place to speak from, given your situation?"

"I get weak around her." Natalia mumbled, her hands cradling the cell phone.

Sydney didn't have an answer for that. She bit her bottom lip and leaned back in her chair. They sat in silence for a moment, listening to the rain beat a tattoo on the roof of the cabin and the thunder roll and rumble outside. She studied the way Natalia stared at her cell phone in her hands as if praying for answers. "Weak in what way?" Sydney asked, bracing her right foot on the bed frame, pushing back in the chair.

"Not in a bad way just…she…sees right through me…I can't hide from her. I feel exposed and like…I can tell her something and she'll already know what I'm thinking and I wonder, why tell her if she already knows?"

"She didn't know you were in love with her when you were engaged to Frank…she's intuitive, not a mind reader."

Natalia clutched the phone tightly in her right hand, staring down at the hardwood floor. "She's been hurt a lot…I think most of her life has been filled with it…" she whispered, her right thumb running up and down the dial pad of the phone. "I don't know how many good things have happened to her, besides Ava and Emma…"

"And you…"

The right corner of Natalia's lips quirked into a smile. "I wouldn't count that now…"

"I would." Sydney dropped her leg and sent the front legs of the chair clattering to the floor, her body moving forward with the momentum, the sound drawing Natalia's gaze from the floor to Sydney's face. "Natalia, you keep missing the fact that she _went ballistic_ in the courtyard of what was more than likely a convent. You're the good thing that happened in her life and if you're gonna sit there and complain about how _her _life is full of hurt, imagine what you're doing to her now. I can understand if her life sucked before you but imagine it now. It doesn't help that you're not in the picture when from what you're telling me, your lives weren't as bad as they could've been, complications or not."

Natalia made a face. "You don't know her."

"You're right. I don't. You do. You know her. I just remind you of her."

"You do. You fight like she does."

"I'm not fighting with you because to be honest, I don't know you either…I'm only going with what you've told me…I don't like fighting either I won't fight with you but I will push you to _fight for what you want._"

The sky grumbled overhead, the rain coming down harder.

Natalia stared out of the window, watching the rain coming down in sheets. She watched the river forming on the window pane, the way the water ran down in rivulets; like tears. She felt her eyes watering and with her left hand, went to wipe away a stray tear drop. Her eyes fluttered as she felt a fresh wave of emotion crash over her, accentuated by the roll of thunder from the sky far above their heads. "She stopped being just my friend and I don't know when that was I just know that it happened and even when I stuffed it down, I just couldn't deny that. When the light hit her just right, or she looked at me the way she does or she said my name or she said she needed me, I ran to her…I just…melted and I've never felt so loved than when I'm around her. I've never felt braver…"

"Then use it and go home." Sydney encouraged, ducking her head to catch Natalia's distant gaze. Natalia shivered as her eyes focused on Sydney's clear blue eyes. "You're wasting time here. Time you could waste with her." She nodded towards the phone on the nightstand, holding Natalia's gaze. "Call your boss."

Natalia averted her eyes to glance at the phone before glancing back at Sydney. _She means it._ "Trying to get rid of me?" she muttered.

"Yep. You've got no business here, Rivera." Sydney replied, chucking the pillow she had been clutching back into Natalia's face as she stood up and walked towards the door towards her backpack. "Not saying I won't miss you, but I'll sleep better if you're not around." She crouched next to the bag and opened it, pulling out the water bottles and sandwiches she'd packed for their outdoor trek.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Natalia asked, moving towards the center of the bed and watching Sydney root around in her backpack.

"It means, that when you already know what you want, it's stupid to go on a journey to _determine _that's what you want. Never bet against your instinct." She tossed the Ziplock enclosed sandwich towards Natalia, it landed with a plastic plop onto the bed sheet by her knees. "I'm serious, never go against the gut. That's your base instinct leading you. Works in case of emergencies and love." She patted her stomach for emphasis. "Saw it on Oprah." She walked back towards her seat and offered Natalia a bottle of water.

"Olivia told me once that we could be friends because I laugh at her jokes and she saw it on Doctor Phil that if someone does that, it makes you friends."

"That's not a flawed logic."

Natalia chuckled and opened her Ziplock bag. "What's for lunch today…?"

"Same as yesterday, turkey and Swiss…" Sydney replied with a smirk. "Should I call Blake for you…?"

Natalia made a face. "I think you're kicking me out."

"I think you're avoiding the obvious thing."

"What's that?"

"You're still not sure what to say to her. Don't say anything, just do. Don't try and over think. Just feel. You've been feeling the whole thing this far, haven't you? You crossed a hanging rope bridge because you felt you needed to and you can do anything you want to. Think it. Feel it. Do it. That simple." Sydney replied. "I got THAT from Star Wars."

Natalia nodded her approval, her mouth working a particularly large bite from her sandwich. They chewed in silence, the roll of thunder that had been almost constant quieting down as the rain fell gently. "I'll call Blake…"

Sydney looked up from her sandwich, a small smile on her face. "Thata girl."

**************************

"Blake will be here as soon as she can…" said Natalia, tossing her empty sandwich bag into the garbage. She'd dialed Blake and was surprised when she picked up on the 3rd ring.

"That's good." Sydney replied, watching Natalia as she sat on the edge of the bed, still clutching the phone. "Glad you came here?"

Natalia nodded. "Yes…"

"Good. Like I said, just feel it…"

"Thank you."

"For?"

"Listening."

Sydney sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes. "That's a ridiculous thing to thank someone for, especially if I told you from the get that I wasn't here to judge or start problems with you."

"I still appreciate it."

"Well in that case, thank you for the compliment, but it's what I do."

Natalia flicked her bangs back. It was true, she felt better, more inspired and more invigorated, despite the still gnawing little fear monster that roamed around, nipping at her ankles. She fidgeted with the elastic of her sock, watching as Sydney untied and re-laced her left sneaker.

"Do me a favor, Natalia." Sydney said, measuring the length of the laces against each other. "Don't focus too much what you did here, just focus on making your life better."

"Is that your way of saying forget about having been here?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Sydney grinned.

*****************************

"Don't say anything. Don't say anything. It's their issue, they'll be the ones to deal with it…don't say anything…" Blake repeated over and over again as she drove along the highway, her right hand itching to dial up Olivia and finally break the news to her. "You don't have to sit and eat and drink your weight in things that are going to kill you…"

She hoped that Natalia was rested, ready and knew what she was doing.

**************************  
*************************

Natalia sat Indian style in the center of the bed, her brows knit together as she folded a t shirt in her lap. Sydney watched as she folded, a smirk playing across her features as Natalia hummed and placed the folded shirt on her left, before picking up another t-shirt to fold. Natalia looked up and caught Sydney watching her. "What's so funny?"

"You like folding laundry. That's weird." Sydney replied, nodding towards the meticulously folded tops that were piled next to Natalia's left thigh.

"It's therapeutic for me…" Natalia replied. "Reminds me of home…" she gave a slight shrug with her left shoulder as she lay another top on the folded pile. "When I moved into the farmhouse…I just walked around for hours and thought about how insane it was that I lived there. It's my home. Olivia and I used it for an important business dinner and there was hardly anything in it but we made it work…It was around the first few days of my being her assistant and I was so nervous but she was so…patient with me." A small smile danced across Natalia's lips.

"I remember our first Christmas together. She and Emma were staying for awhile and she was so insistent about going back to the Beacon because their staying at the farmhouse was only temporary. I was upset because I had gotten so used to having them with me…but she was set on going back to her apartment.

We were there, building a Christmas and a real stable family life for the three of us and all she could think about was moving back to the Beacon.

When I got home from visiting Rafe in prison, she was running around looking for Emma and I guessed that maybe she heard our conversation about their moving out on New Years Day. She was upset about Emma being gone and was questioning why I cared and I told her that…that I'd die for that kid. I love her like she's mine. Then Emma called and we went to get her from the precinct because she was with Frank…"

"Of all people…" Sydney quipped.

Natalia chuckled. "We spoke to her and explained that just because we didn't agree on some things it didn't mean we didn't care about each other or her. When we got back home, we just opened presents and all I kept thinking was how perfect it was, how good it was just having a roof over our heads, food and…love. We were a family right then and there. Then Emma got upset because Olivia was trying to remind Emma that they had the Beacon and I told her that she was welcome to stay whenever she wanted. That kid…she said it wasn't enough and sulked in the kitchen. I followed her and we were talking and the next thing I know, Olivia comes in with this long rod or something in her hands…

When I asked her what it was she just said it's a present, for me. I was embarrassed that I hadn't gotten her anything for Christmas but she didn't care. She was so…_eager_ to see me open it. So I picked it up and took off the wrapping paper…"

"What was it?" Sydney asked. She sat on the edge of her seat in anticipation.

"She surprised me with the doorframe I used to measure his height when we lived in Chicago. She'd gotten someone to go into my old apartment, yank it out and ship it home…for me. I couldn't think of anything for her so I took a spare key, put it in a box and I asked her to move in with me and…she wanted to say no but…she couldn't. So we lived together until, well, you know when…"

"She wanted to give you everything then…" said Sydney. She watched Natalia lean back in the bed, lost in thought.

"I guess that's why I'm scared. I don't have a lot to offer."

"It's not about door frames, keys or the joy of folding laundry; it's about just being there." Sydney replied. "She wanted you then and she wants you now. Nobody goes through the trouble of pulling out door frames for a friend they don't care about."

Natalia nodded absently, the muscles in her jaw flexing as she let out a gust of air through her nostrils. "I realize that now…" _I just hope this wasn't a mistake._

The rain had subsided to a gentle sun shower, the drizzle casting little rainbows in the rays of sunlight. Natalia packed her back meticulously, putting her cell phone charger in the bag last. She looked up from her progress, surveying the room was she waited for Blake to arrive.

Her life was packed into the bag but she still felt so uncertain about her decision to go back when she wasn't sure if she could justifiably explain it to Olivia. _To be honest, I didn't exactly leave with a good enough reason either._ She zipped up her bag and tossed it at the foot of the bed. She sat at center of the bed again Indian style and stared at her cell phone as it stared back at her again from the bedspread.  
Sydney emerged from the bathroom, a wet towel on the back of her neck. Natalia looked up from the phone towards Sydney. "What's up?" Sydney asked, "Blake call yet?"

"Why're you so eager to get rid of me…?" Natalia asked, pocketing her cell phone.

"I'm not." Sydney replied with a shrug.

"Then why are you so eager to see me gone?"

Sydney thought for a moment, avoiding Natalia's gaze. "I told you, you shouldn't be here. You ran away for silly reasons, understandable but when you say them out loud, don't they sound silly?"

Natalia nodded.

"So, the faster you get back to Springfield, the better it's going to be for you. For her. For Emma. For everyone because you'll have your word, your faith and your hope behind you."

They jumped at the knock on the door. Natalia clamored off the bed and was at the door in two long strides. She tugged it open and was attacked by a hyper active Blake.

"HIIII!!" Blake exclaimed, her arms grabbing Natalia into a bear hug. "I'm sooo glad you're doing better!" She let go of Natalia breathlessly, taking a step back to take in the new look. "Huh…you…look the same…"

"Thanks Blake…" Natalia mustered, a smile on her face.

Blake's eyes raked over Natalia's body before noticing the girl standing by the bed. "Whose this?" she asked, nodding towards Sydney with her chin before crossing towards her and taking Sydney's hand. "Blake Marler…"

"Sydney Torres…nice to meet you."

"Torres? You didn't tell me your last name was Torres…" Natalia interjected, her head cocked to the right.

"My last name is Torres." Sydney retorted. She returned her attention to Blake who was gaping at her. "Natalia here is ready to get on out of here and start her new life…"

"You look so much like Olivia…" said Blake, tilting her head to check out all of Sydney's bone structure. "That's so weird…" she shot Natalia a glance. "I'm guessing you noticed this…?"

"We've talked about it once or twice…" Sydney replied, passing Blake to pick up Natalia's bag before heading towards the door to get her backpack. "Where are you parked?" She headed out without waiting for an answer.

Blake waited until she was sure Sydney was out of earshot. "She's a dead ringer, except for the eyes…Natalia…"

"Nothing happened if that's what you're thinking. All she did was help me…figure out what I'm going to say." Natalia replied, raking her hands through her hair.

"What are you going to say?" Blake asked.

"What I need to."

**********************

Sydney was standing outside of the main gate, waiting for Natalia and Blake as they sloshed along the muddy path towards the parking area. She'd pulled her shades down and held Natalia's bag on her shoulder as she watched them approach. Blake reached Sydney first and nodded towards her car, which was parked right alongside the gate. She popped the back door open and Sydney took that as the sign to put Natalia's bag in the backseat. She stepped back from the car and bumped into Natalia. She turned and gave her a small smile. "Welp, Rivera, looks like you're all set."

"Thank you…" Natalia whispered, pulling Sydney in for a tight hug. "I think I would've hidden in that room for the rest of my life…"

"No you wouldn't have. Hunger would've driven you out eventually…" Sydney quipped, breaking the hug.

Natalia blushed. She caught Blake's expression in the corner of her eye; she wasn't exactly enthused. "Maybe. I'm resilient."

"Now you are. You're a tough cookie. Take care of yourself okay?"

"I will…You too."

"Thanks…" Sydney stepped away from the door and allowed Natalia to enter. "Remember. Do or do not…"

Blake started the car. "Good to meet you Sydney." she called through the open passenger window.

Sydney gave a tight lipped smile and wave, stepping away as she put the car in drive and they rolled off.

**************************  
**************************

"Are you gonna tell me what the deal was with her?" Blake asked, eyeing Natalia in the rear view mirror.

"What?" Natalia asked, moving her gaze from the rear window toward the back of Blake's head.

"You and Sydney…what was the deal with her?"

"Nothing. I swear. She just showed up yesterday…asked me about my life…and…that was it."

Blake nodded. "That's nice…did you enjoy your time up there."

"I spent most of it in the cabin until Sydney showed up."

"Ah. Well I'm glad you're out now." Blake replied. "So I have to fill you in on some things…"

***************

Blake reviewed in depth the entire goings on in Springfield since Natalia left. She went over the mystery surrounding Company and the Cooper family's good fortune, to the good luck's streak ending, the memorial for Jeffery and finally, the state she'd found Olivia in.

By the time Blake finished her yarn, she was pulling into the farmhouse with a picture perfect sunset. "So, I don't know if you want me to take you to the Beacon or…" She turned in her seat to peek over at Natalia, who was chewing on her right thumbnail anxiously. "Oh honey, don't get so upset…she's okay…she was okay during Jeffery's memorial…"

"Did Ava come?" Natalia asked, the question mottled by her thumb being in her mouth.

"Yes she did…"

_I wonder if she told her…_ "Thank you Blake…" said Natalia, opening the back door and sliding out. She reached for her bag and dragged it across the backseat towards her. She closed the door and rounded the front of the car, stopping at the driver's side where Blake stood. "I owe you so much…"

"No you don't, I told you that you don't." Blake replied, pulling her into a hug. "You just get inside, get some rest and deal with the world tomorrow."

"I'm done thinking of how to deal with the world…I'm just gonna deal with it." Natalia replied, a confident tone in her voice. She straightened up and took in a deep breath.

"That sounds like a plan…" Blake replied. "There's a pile of books that need promoting so…I need you fresh and relaxed!" She climbed back into the car, put it in gear and drove off, leaving Natalia alone in the driveway next to her car.

Natalia let herself into the house and dropped her bag just inside the front door. She locked up again and stopped in her tracks at the sound of a shard of glass crushing under her sneaker. She looked down at the mess. _Olivia…_

She checked her purse for her magnetic pass key and car keys. She was tired of running. She was going to surrender.

*************************  
*************************

Olivia was so prone to crying at the drop of a hat, she certain that she was going to cry liquor. She'd taken Ava to the airport and cried in the car as she watched the plane take off; her daughter's words echoing in her head "I'm sure she'll come back soon. If you're this happy with her, I can't imagine that she'd leave you, especially after everything you've been through together." Olivia hated her weakness and envied her daughter's strength for a moment.

The news only got better when Rick told her that her blood levels were unstable due to her new liquid diet and she decided to celebrate everything by having a Cosmo at Towers. She saluted her fatty acids, downed drink after drink and somehow managed to make it home. She suspected that a cab had been called and she reminded herself that she had to get her car from Towers' lot before rumors started that Olivia Spencer was back to her drunken ways.

She was glad when Josh showed up, the attention he had been showering on her only making her want to drown the rest of her sorrows in meaningless sex with her handsome ex husband but she resisted, despite his charming offers of coffee and a foot rub.

Instead, she let herself into her room, tossed purse and keys on the table, shucked her jacket and scrounged up a bottle of white wine.

Natalia was grateful that it was getting dark out and her gratitude only increased as she found the service entrance deserted. She parked the car adjacent to the building and went up in the service elevator, her heart fluttering in her chest like a caged bird. Her right hand clutched the keycard, knuckles white.

_God, if you're listening, please, let this work._

*******************

Olivia hiccupped and groaned as the hiccup brought up the after taste of her dinner for one. She laughed to herself. "Dinner for one." She hadn't had the strength to finish it but she knew that if she drank on an empty stomach, it would only make Rick get angrier with her and the last thing she wanted was yet _another_ person angry with her. "Something about you, Spencer, that just pisses everyone off." She said aloud as she sat on the edge of her bed, tugging at her heels with one hand. When she finally managed to pull them off she immediately crawled into the middle of bed, tucking a pillow into her arms and staring at the New Years Eve photo, eyes brimming with fresh tears. She rocked herself slowly her eyes growing heavy as let a drunk sleep take over her.

******************

Natalia stood outside of Olivia's door, tapping the keycard against her left palm. She took a deep breath and slid the keycard into the slot. The lock clicked back softly, granting her entry. Slowly, Natalia pushed in the door, peering around the edge eyes scanning for evidence of the occupants inside. Her heart stopped its frantic pace at the sight of Olivia curled in the middle of the bed, laying on her left side facing the door, a pillow clutched to her chest. Natalia entered the room silently, closing the door behind her and sliding the lock into place. She braced her back against the closed door, eyeing Olivia as she slept. The only light on in the apartment was the lamp on the right night stand.

Olivia's cheeks were streaked with tears, her skin blotchy. _She's been crying._ Natalia mentally chastised herself for being the cause of those tears. She looked around the room, taking it all in. _It feels like forever._ She noticed the half drunk glass of wine next to the nearly full bottle of wine. Blake wasn't making it up; Olivia was drinking excessively. _What're you doing to your heart?_ Next to the incriminating evidence was the framed New Years photo. She crossed soundlessly and sat sidesaddle on the edge of the bed, studying Olivia as she slept on. She extended her right hand, fingers brushing across Olivia's cheeks, the tips slick with Olivia's tears. She bit her lip to keep from waking her.

Natalia's fingertips brushed along Olivia's jaw line, her index finger tracing the outline of Olivia's lips. She unconsciously licked her own. She brushed back a lock of hair behind Olivia's ear, her fingertips brushing against her neck, caressing her skin softly. She delicately combed her fingers through Olivia's hair, watching as the strands sifted through her fingers.

***

Olivia was dreaming. She felt soft feather light touches against her skin, along her lips, skimming through her hair. She shivered as those fingers trailed along her cheek again, along her jaw line and outlining her lips.

***  
Olivia let out a throaty sigh, burying her face into the pillow she was hugging. Natalia's fingertips traced the worry lines that mapped Olivia's forehead; they seemed to embed themselves into her normally exuberant features. She felt her heart break as she realized that she was the cause of so much worry. _Jeffery is gone…and she had no one here to help her through it._ She wanted to wake her, but she couldn't and she a still afraid of what she should say.

***

Olivia felt those fingers trailing along her forehead, gently trying to rub out the creases in her skin. She tried to move her head to get a better look at whoever was touching her…

***

Natalia's hand snapped back as Olivia moved suddenly, shifting from her right side to lay on her back, her right arm hitching up above her head, her left arm laying across her stomach. _She sleeps like a rock._ Natalia thought as she reached for Olivia's wine glass and took a sip. The buzz hit her almost immediately, the liquid sloshing around in her stomach. It had been hours since she had eaten lunch with Sydney…She returned the glass to the table and inched closer, careful not to disturb Olivia, her deep brown eyes never leaving Olivia's slumbering features.

Olivia issued another throaty sigh. She felt herself waking up from liquor fueled nap. She grunted and brought her palms to her face, yawning into them, ignoring the sour air that flooded her nostrils. She rubbed her face and dropped her arms above her head, eyes still closed unaware that Natalia was frozen next to her, her heart pounding in her chest.

She rolled onto her left side, her back to Natalia and slumbered on. Natalia sat still, watching as Olivia snuggled into her pillow, her legs pulled into her chest. She slid off her sneakers and carefully moved up in the bed, her movements barely disturbing Olivia. She leaned against the headboard, her legs crossed at the ankles hands in her lap as she watched Olivia sleep off her drunken stupor.

Natalia's mind ticked off the list of things she needed to do. She needed to say exactly what she was feeling and what she wanted for them. _What I want for us._ She glanced over at Olivia, she was snoring. _I didn't know you snored._ She ran her fingers through her hair, shaking out the tangles. She watched Olivia sleep like the dead. She reached over and played with the ends of her hair, listening to the sound of her breathing, the warmth radiating from her body. Sighing, Natalia scooted closer to Olivia, still braced against the headboard, waiting for Olivia to wake up.

Olivia groaned in her sleep, rolling onto her stomach, her face buried into her pillow. She cradled her aching head in her arms, feeling a dull throb begin just behind her eyes. She lay still, listening to the silence around her. It was depressing. She kept her eyes closed, hoping that the pain would go away. _It's a hangover, they don't just go away._ She sighed. Her body felt stiff and sore. She wanted to get up but found that impossible to do because that meant she'd be waking up to more questions about Natalia and she was tired of asking questions, not getting answers and always remembering that she was going to be alone. Defeated, she fell asleep again.

********

Natalia had fallen asleep waiting for Olivia to wake up. She was slouched against the headboard, head lulled to the right against her shoulder, arms folded across her torso. Olivia lay on her stomach quiet and still before she made a grunting sound at the back of her throat, her face still buried in the pillow. She pushed herself up on her elbows her eyes still closed and felt her stomach lurch with the movement. _Yeah, I'm gonna have a hangover._ She sniffed and rubbed her eyes with backs of her knuckles while rolling on to her back. She pushed herself into sitting position, clearing her throat. She finally allowed her eyes to open, vision still sleep blurred as she groggily looked around the room.

Natalia was awakened by the sudden shift in the bed, her eyes opening just in time to see Olivia sit up and look around the room.

Natalia's heart thudded in her ears, she was certain that Olivia could hear it too. She mentally berated herself for being so impulsive in showing up without notice. _To be fair, I did leave just as abruptly…_She was sitting stock still, watching as a drowsy Olivia glanced at her, towards the armoire, then back at her in shock.

"I'm dead aren't I." Olivia blurted out, her bloodshot eyes staring at Natalia, boring holes into her.

"No…" Natalia replied, pushing away from the headboard and leaning towards Olivia.

"Rick was right…he said if I kept drinking I would be in deep trouble and here I am. Dead. Or hallucinating."

"What did Rick say about your heart?!" Natalia replied, all romantic pretenses completely drained from her mind.

"I'm not hallucinating…"

"Olivia…what did Rick say about your heart?!" Natalia pressed, almost hysterical with worry.

Olivia wanted to slap her. She felt a surge of anger start in her chest and radiate out through her pores. She wanted to shake her violently. She wanted to kick her out and this time, make sure she took her keycard. Her right hand shot out and grasped Natalia's own hand, automatically entwining their fingers. "You're real…" she breathed, in one fluid motion pulling Natalia towards her as she knelt in bed. Her arms wound around Natalia's waist as Natalia's arms wrapped around Olivia's neck.  
"Olivia…what did Rick say about your heart??" Natalia pressed, shivering as Olivia immediately buried her face into her neck. Fresh tears plopped onto Natalia's t-shirt. Olivia stayed still, breathing in deeply and filling her lungs with Natalia's scent. "Olivia…" Natalia cooed, her fingers curled into Olivia's hair. "What happened to you…?"

Olivia sighed, sniffled and pulled out of Natalia's grasp, her cheeks wet with fresh tears. "You left me."

Natalia's hands slid away from Olivia's body, sitting uselessly in her lap. She looked down at her palms, ashamed that she had completely forgotten what it was she wanted to say and that she had caused Olivia that much pain. "I'm sorry that I did. I just. I just…needed to breathe…There was so much going on, I was under so much pressure to…to do the right thing…"

"You could've just spoken to me. You could've just said that you needed time…"

"I didn't want to. I. We lost so much time together and I was tired of waiting but…Rafe and…Frank and…"

"Me."

"I left because I needed to make sure this was right. I needed to think. I needed to make sure this wasn't something that was a matter of circumstance…that I loved you because I loved you and not because of how you treat me…"

Olivia sat silently, watching Natalia as she spoke. Natalia avoided her gaze, speaking to her hands or the spot on the wall just behind Olivia's head. "How do I treat you…?" she whispered, bringing her knees to her chest and hugging them.

"Like I'm the most important thing in the world." Natalia admitted.

"Because you are. Natalia…I went crazy looking for you…I drove the mileage up the car driving up and down from here to Chicago and back again. I lost my cool in the middle of a courtyard in front of a nun…"

_I know…_ "You did what?"

"I was arrested in Jonesy's bar for trespassing because I thought he was lying about seeing you…I went through the Beacon wine cellar every night because I just wanted it to stop. The pain, knowing that I had lost you…then…Jeffery…You _are_ the most important thing in my world and as soon as you left it, I had no world to care about. Christina took Emma for the day because I was drunk and I wound up drinking some more with Josh…He's downstairs offering to give me a massage because I'm so wound up…"

"Arrested…?"

"Josh bailed me out." Olivia replied, staring at Natalia, forcing her to hold her gaze. "I went through hell because you left."

Natalia nodded absently. "I'm sorry…"

"I know you are. But it doesn't make it better, doesn't make it go away. It doesn't make it right."

Natalia let the words sink in. She sat silently, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes. She brought her right hand up to her eyes, brushing away tears. She shivered as Olivia's own hand brushed away her hand cupped her chin. She held Olivia's gaze, her heart skipping as she felt the pad of Olivia's thumb brush her bottom lip. "Why did you come here…?" Olivia asked, her body humming with the contact. Her hand moved to caress Natalia's cheek, savoring the contact.

"Because I missed you…I…I wanted to see you again…You're the one I wanted to come back to." said Natalia. "I did a lot of thinking while I was away. A lot of crying and a lot of thinking and what I came to realize is that no matter what, I love you. I knew it when I said I knew it was something I couldn't ever take back and I shouldn't have run away from something as good, as real as this…" Her cheek pressed against Olivia's palm "I can't run away from it…"

"Where did you go?"

"A retreat upstate…"

"You were right under my nose…" Olivia replied, moving closer to Natalia, their knees brushing against each other. "I looked everywhere but…"

"I didn't want to be found…to be honest. I didn't know what I wanted to say…what I needed to say to you…"

"What did you need to tell me…?" Olivia asked, her touch sending shivers down Natalia's spine.

_She can be so gentle…_Natalia swallowed hard. _Do or do not. There is no try._ "That I give up. I can't be without you and I can't help it if Rafe doesn't want to be a part of that right now. I can't help it if Father Ray thinks this is wrong and I know that God just wants me to be happy…I deserve to be happy…and you make me happy. I wasn't sure what to say and…the time I took to think about it…I knew I had to come here and tell you right away, before fear or doubt or anything kept me from telling you what you needed to hear."

Olivia let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. She stared at Natalia, studying the way she held her head up confidently, her lips drawn into a small hopeful smile. She shivered as she Natalia reached between them, her left hand brushing back Olivia's tousled hair. _I can't be mad at her…I could be but I can't…_

"And now you know…" said Natalia with a simple shrug.

"Now I know…" Olivia whispered, her hand still cupping Natalia's cheek. "Just don't do it again."

"I won't…" Natalia vowed, a smile lightening up her features.

"Good." Olivia replied, leaning forward and pulling Natalia into her arms, holding her close to her chest. She kissed the top of Natalia's head softly, her fingers threading through her hair.

"What did Rick say about your heart…?" Natalia asked, her voice muffled against Olivia's shoulder.

"Uh…" Olivia groaned, her lips close to Natalia's ear. "He said that I needed to stop drinking because it was taxing my heart…I didn't tell him exactly _why_ I was drinking so much…"

Natalia felt goose bumps spot across the back of her arms as Olivia whispered in her ear. "Are you planning on stopping?"

Olivia nodded. "Yes. You're here and that's what matters…"

"You fell apart…"

"Totally and completely unhinged…"

"I didn't think you cared that much…"

"You did too…" Olivia replied, nudging Natalia with her shoulder. "You always knew…I charged off like Don Quixote in my little white car trying to slay the windmills because I wanted to find you…"

"You yelling at nuns…"

"I told you, hell and back…you're worth it…" Olivia blushed, "I told Ava about us at Jeffery's memorial…she…she was happy for me…for us…"

Natalia's cheeks colored at Olivia's words. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to tell her with you…"

"You're here now, that's what counts. And you and I have to tell Emma…"

Natalia nodded. "First thing in the morning…"

"She's going to be so excited to see you…" Olivia caressed Natalia's cheek softly, memorizing her features.

"I'm excited to see her. All I thought about, all I talked about was you…" Natalia admitted, her eyes flickering from Olivia's eyes to her lips. _Do. Or do not. There is no try. _"I want to try something…" Natalia whispered, inching closer toward Olivia in the center of the bed. She moved herself into Olivia's space, her eyes holding Olivia's gaze intently as her hands moved to cup Olivia's face.

Olivia's heart began to race as she felt the warmth radiating from Natalia's soft palms. Her eyelids fluttered as Natalia placed a feather light kiss on her left cheek, her lips impossibly soft against her skin. She tilted Olivia's face towards her, kissing her right cheek softly, her lips pressing against her skin, causing a rush of heat to flood from the center of Olivia's chest. Natalia held Olivia's face in her hands, holding her sea green eyes with her chocolate brown orbs, a mixture of fear and determination mingling in them. "Was that it…?" Olivia asked breathlessly.

"Hold still…" Natalia whispered, brushing back a lock of Olivia's hair behind her left ear. She tilted Olivia's face in her hands, moving herself closer, her eyes locked on Olivia's mouth.

Their lips brushed, tentatively, Natalia hesitant about the way to initiate a proper kiss considering all her experience was with men, involved ambushes and weren't always desirable. _Except for Gus. And now Olivia._ She pressed her lips against Olivia's marveling at the softness of her lips. She took hold of Olivia's top lip, nipping it, pushing herself against Olivia as she reciprocated the action. Natalia's left hand slid from Olivia's face to the back of her neck, deepening the kiss as Olivia's mouth lapsed into Natalia's. Olivia's hands wound the length of her back, fingers trailing along Natalia's spine. Natalia let out a gasp as the tip of Olivia's tongue flicked against her top lip. Their breaths mingled between lips and Natalia was certain that she was getting drunk by the second. She gently bit Olivia's bottom lip, relishing the groan that escaped from her throat. She felt her heart flutter faster in her chest as Olivia's left hand trailed along her throat, along her collarbone before winding around her waist to the small of her back, pulling her into her as she lay down in bed.

"Olivia…" Natalia whispered, her mouth inches from Olivia's. She was panting heavily, stroking Olivia's cheek with knuckles of her right hand. "Your heart…"

"If I'm gonna die…" Olivia replied, her voice husky "I can't think of a better way to do it…"

Natalia shivered and kissed Olivia's forehead softly. "I'd rather not be held responsible for your untimely death…" She rolled off of Olivia and lay on her left side, Olivia's arm automatically wrapping around her at the waist. She rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, listening to the sound of her heartbeat as it reverberated in her chest. "I'm sorry…" she whispered, delighting in the feeling of Olivia's fingers as they trailed along in her hair. "I didn't mean to…hurt you…"

"I told you, it's forgiven. It's not forgotten but…I can't stay mad at you…stupid I know…"

Natalia nodded against Olivia's shoulder. "Promise me you won't drink like that again…Blake told me she found you sitting in the bathroom eating potato chips…"

"Promise to talk to me about the things that bother you and I won't do it again."

"Ok."

Olivia hooked her hand under Natalia's chin and kissed her softly. "See how talking gets you whatever you want?"

"I'm kinda hungry…"

"I told you that everything we do involves food…" Olivia replied, her own stomach growling in agreement. She shifted her weight to reach for the phone.

"Don't move…" Natalia begged, "I'm comfortable."

Olivia smirked. "It's all about you now is it?"

"No…but…I missed you and you missed me and…"

Olivia thought for a moment. "You have a point…" She lay still, letting Natalia snuggle closer to her in the middle of the bed. "Why didn't you call me…? I left you dozens of messages…I stopped leaving them because I was worried that I'd fill up your voicemail and I wouldn't hear your recorded voice again…"

Natalia's heart skipped. "I had no reception where I was…"

"Was there a land line?"

"Yes…" Natalia replied, pausing to gather her thoughts. "I didn't know what to tell you…"

"You being okay would've been a good start." Olivia offered, staring up at the ceiling.

"I wanted to explain everything at once…"

"Rafe blamed me for your leaving. I blamed him for your leaving…He had no idea you were gone…"

Natalia bit her lip. "I owe a lot of people explanations…"

"You do."

Natalia bristled at the sudden change in Olivia's tone. She seemed to be made of stone now when moments before she was so delicate with her. "I should go…" she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, her feet feeling around for her sneakers.

"Don't go…" Olivia breathed, sitting up. "You've left me once…don't do it again…"

Natalia stopped her search and stared at the floor. Her shoulders slumped at the accusation. "Are you asking me to stay?"

"Begging you if it'll work." Olivia answered, scooting over to sit next to Natalia on the edge of the bed. "My trust in you is shaken, badly shaken but…that doesn't mean I love you any less. For God's sake I told my daughter about us and you weren't there to see it…I wasn't even sure we were even…_together _to be telling her something like that."

Natalia nodded.

"I love you, okay? Let's just…get through tonight." Olivia reached for Natalia's right hand and held it tightly in her own. "What do you want from the kitchen?"

"Whatever you want…No wine though. You need to drink water, it's not just for plants and fish you know."

Olivia smiled. "You're so witty."

Olivia clutched Natalia's hand in hers as they walked to the car. She held a water bottle in her left hand as she leaned against the hood of Natalia's car. The stars twinkled overhead and the oppressive summer heat had graciously given way to a comfortable evening. Olivia looked up at the sky, counting the stars before looking back towards Natalia who was standing just inside her open car door.

"Making a wish?" Natalia asked, her hands braced on top of the car door.

"Saying thank you." Olivia replied, a small smile on her face.

"For…?"

"You." Olivia stepped towards Natalia, brushing her fingers against her cheek. "Call me when you get home?"

"Don't I always…?"

"Not in the last few weeks…" Olivia reminded her.

"I wasn't home then. I am now." She leaned over and kissed Olivia solidly on the lips. "Good night, Olivia…"

"Good night, Natalia."

Olivia stepped back and watched as Natalia started the car, giving her a wave as she drove off into the night.

******************

Natalia crawled under the covers of her bed, feeling refresh from her shower. She reached for her cell phone and saw she had one missed text message. Pressing to retrieve it, her heart skipped at the message.

FROM: Olivia _I understand why you left and I understand that you needed time but if you ever leave me like that again, I'm more than certain I'll die without you._

She swallowed hard. She wasn't planning on running.

She wrote back: _You're stuck with me. I told you, I surrender._


	12. After Tonight

**After Tonight**

Natalia has a LOT of explaining and making up to do so she starts with the first thing on her list. A make up date with Olivia.

At this point, I'm gonna be honest. I'm just making it the hell up. I don't care. *caution to wind* I'm still gonna try and place it as far into 'reality' as possible but well, that's what imagination is for.

Thanks for the song suggestions, if the angst gets too high, I'll definitely dive head first into those. I figured, a little levity never killed anybody.

Telenext, CBS and Proctor and Gamble own the people mentioned here, not me…well…until September 18th, then, fair game, no?

Title: Justin Nozuka-After Tonight

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Natalia dropped another load of laundry into the machine, followed by the soap ball before closing the lid and pressing start. She waited for the sound of water filling the chamber before she left the machine to check the dryer. She bent at the hip to pull out the freshly dried laundry, holding them to her nose and taking a deep breath. It felt good to be home. She pulled the basket towards her and tossed them in, hip checking the door closed and heading towards the living room.

She glanced at her cell phone as it sat on the table top. The little red light blinked, alerting her to a missed message. She placed the basket on the table top and bent to pick up the phone.

_From Olivia: __So I'm picking up Emma from camp and she asks me why I look so different. I wanted to say why but I thought I'd show her instead. Let me know if you're free later today._

Natalia blushed and sat on the couch, her thumbs moving a mile a minute as she replied. _Sure. I'm excited to see her._

She knew that she wasn't out of the woods. Olivia had gone from hot to cold in the matter of seconds when the reality of Natalia having been gone for a month sank in; she was warned with a cut from Olivia's eyes that she was on thin ice and would be for quite some time.She put the phone back on the table and set to her task of folding the laundry, determined to find a way to make it better.

_I knew that I wasn't going to just get a welcome back Natalia party…_

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Olivia suppressed a smile as she drove slowly back to the Beacon. She watched Emma in the rear view mirror as she gazed out of the window, watching the world go by. "So how was camp, Jellybean?"

"We made dream catchers." Emma replied, holding up three dream catchers for Olivia to see.

"Oh yeah?" Olivia peered at them through the rear view window. "Those are super cool, kiddo. Why did you make three?"

"One is for me, the other one is for you and I made one for Natalia…"

Olivia's heart skipped at the mention of Natalia's name. She had no good reason to avoid the farmhouse, not when the person who made it home was there. She pulled over to the side of the road and pulled out her cell phone. She immediately pulled up Natalia's name and text her. _Can't wait. We're coming over now._

"That's really sweet of you, Jellybean." Olivia replied, turning in her seat to face her daughter. "Lemme see 'em." She held out her hand as Emma handed the three delicate dream catchers over to her mother. "How do they work?"

"Well, you put them in your room and it catches all the bad dreams and keeps the good ones…" Emma explained a smile on her face.

"That's pretty cool." Olivia nodded, handing them back to Emma appreciatively. "They're beautiful. I'm sure Natalia is gonna love it…"

Emma held the three dream catchers in her lap, studying them before looking up at Olivia. "Are you feeling better mommy?"

Olivia laid her palm against Emma's cheek, cupping it gently. "I'm okay, Jellybean. I'm sorry I scared you…" She tapped the tip of her index finger against Emma's nose and turned to pull the car back onto the road.

****************************

Natalia finished folding the laundry and brought the basket back to the laundry room. She stuck her head in the fridge and frowned. She needed to do the grocery stopping and fast. She checked her watch and bit her lip. She dialed Olivia's cell phone, her heart skipping as she picked up on the second ring.

"Hi it's me…" Natalia greeted. "Are you on your way now?"

"Yeah…Why?" Olivia replied, hoping she wasn't giving away who she was speaking to. "What's wrong?"

"Well, since I only got back yesterday, I didn't do any shopping today…"

"What do you need me to pick up then?"

"A little bit of everything…?" Natalia bit the corner of her lower lip, embarrassment coloring her features. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. I'll make it fast."

"Thank you…"

Natalia hung up and braced herself against the counter, her mind racing. _Breathe. Today, you're going to tell Emma something she probably already knows and hope that it goes better than Rafe…_ She cast her eyes towards her statue of Mary, crossing herself quickly before checking on the laundry. _Just please let this go well._

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Olivia was grateful that she had to do a quick errand before going to the farmhouse. It had been the site of so much of her heartache, it felt good to go there with food and a smile instead of wine and tears. She let Emma pick whatever she wanted under the guise of just wanting to spoil her; Olivia wanted to steady her racing heart and hide the fact that she was nervous. She wanted to be upset with Natalia. She wanted to hate her. To put her through the same hurt she had endured when she left but she didn't have it in her to cause her that kind of pain. _Once upon a time…_She grabbed a few more items and paused for a moment at the wine rack. _I promised I would behave myself._ She led Emma to the register, paid and loaded up the trunk of the car with the groceries.

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*******************

Natalia paced nervously around in the living room, tapping her cell phone against her palm as she debated the right way to call Rafe. _Maybe the right thing to do would be to just go to Frank's house and speak to him._ The hairs on the back of her head stood straight up at the thought of having to confront both Frank and Rafe at the same time about the same subject. She opened her cell phone and scrolled through her contacts list, passing Rafe's name twice before sliding it closed and biting her lower lip, mind racing a mile a minute. _Do or do not._ She slid the keyboard out, found his name and sent a text message. _Hi Rafe. I just wanted to tell you that I'm okay. I'm back in Springfield and I would like to see you soon._ She stared at the message as it appeared on her screen. She swallowed hard and saved the message in her outbox for later. She slid the phone in her pocket and returned to the kitchen to scrounge up something to drink.

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********************

Olivia drove the familiar road back to the farmhouse slowly, savoring the fact that once she pulled into the driveway, she wouldn't be drinking and crying into her glass but sitting across from Natalia. Her heart stumbled at the realization. She peered at Emma through the rearview mirror, watching as she carefully re-tied some loose string on a dream catcher. _She hasn't noticed where we're going._ She tried to steady her racing heart, breathing slowly as they made the turn to the farmhouse.

The difference in the house was instant. There was warmth radiating from the windows, the curtains fluttering in their windows as air circulated through the house. Despite the fact that she hadn't lived there in months, Olivia felt the familiarity of home. She parked the car alongside Natalia's and shut off the engine. She unbuckled her seatbelt and turned in her seat to face Emma. "Okay Jellybean…"

Emma was staring out of her window, a look of bewilderment on her face. "Mom…"

"Yes…?"

"Why are we at the farmhouse…?" Emma asked, fearing her mother had gone completely insane.

"Well…" Olivia began, twisting in her seat to face forward to see if Natalia had stepped on to the porch. _Guess she didn't hear the car…_ She twisted back to face Emma, a small smile on her face. "C'mon out of the car…"

Emma studied her mother warily before unlocking her seatbelt, opening her door and sliding out of the car, clutching the dream catchers in her left hand. She stood by her door as Olivia rounded the back of the car, pulling the trunk open and unloading the groceries. Olivia closed the trunk and gestured towards the front door with her head. "Em, go get the door."

Emma left the car and made her way towards the front door of the house, her eyebrows knit in concern. She was hoping her mother hadn't completely lost her mind. She knocked on the door and waited. Olivia stood right behind her, shifting the bags in her arms as they stood on the front porch. Emma looked up at her mother expectantly.

"Mom…"

"Knock again, Jellybean…" Olivia replied, masking her own rising anxiety.

They stood on the front porch, twin bundles of nervous energy, shifting from foot to foot in anticipation. Olivia kept her eyes low, staring at a spot on the wood as she waited, praying she wasn't wrong in rushing over here the way she did. Olivia's heart leapt at the sound of the lock sliding back, the knob twisting and the door being pulled back. Natalia stood in the doorway a brilliant smile across her face. She was wearing jeans and a t shirt and Olivia had never seen her more beautiful in her life. _Not unless you count last night…_

"NATALIA!" Emma roared in delight, leaping up at Natalia's hips and hugging her tightly. "You're back!!"

Natalia stooped to give Emma a tight hug, kissing her forehead intently. "I missed you too Emma!" They stood in the doorway, hugging for what seemed like an eternity. Olivia stood by, smiling. Natalia let go of Emma and looked up at Olivia. "Hey you…" she said, standing up, the smile never leaving her face. Olivia held out a bag.

"Hey…" Olivia replied a little breathlessly as Natalia took the bag and turned, allowing them entry. She was surprised when Natalia leaned up and gave her a soft peck on the cheek as she passed. She turned on her heel as the sounds of Emma's footfalls on the hardwood floor clattered somewhere around them. She held Natalia's gaze intently, the corners of her mouth tugged into a smirk. "Sneaky…"

"I'll kiss that smirk right off your face…" Natalia teased, taking the other bag from Olivia and leading the way to the kitchen.

"Tease…" Olivia muttered, following Natalia to the kitchen, her eyes blazing with desire.

**************  
**************

They had sandwiches and lemonade on the back porch, the question of why they hadn't done this sooner dangling over the adults heads. Emma presented Natalia with her dream catcher with great fanfare, explaining what function the little totem had and what the best places to hang them were. She gave Natalia a tight hug before running outside to play with the ducks.

Olivia sat sipping her glass of lemonade delicately, watching as Emma sprinted around the yard before heading to the stables to find her bike. She glanced at Natalia who sat on to her right, staring at her profile intently. "Hi…" Olivia whispered, turning in her seat, placing her glass on the table between them and sliding the chair over.

"Hi…" Natalia replied, reaching out for Olivia's hand unabashedly, winding her fingers with Olivia's. "I missed you…"

"I bet you did." Olivia replied, studying how easily their hands fit together.

"I wanted to ask you something…" said Natalia, ducking her head slightly to catch Olivia's gaze. "It's important."

Olivia's eyes flickered something that made Natalia nervous. _Anger? Concern?_ "It's not bad…I…its…I want to talk to you _really_ talk to you about what happened…when I left. I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me tonight…?" Natalia was stammering, tripping over her words as she clutched Olivia's right hand like a lifeline. "I just. I want to make things right between us and I know how much you like food…"

"Is that a bribe?" Olivia snickered, the fingertips of her left hand trailing along Natalia's inner wrist, unaware of the shivers it was sending down the younger woman's spine.

"No…maybe…just a little bit." Natalia admitted, blushing.

"Well." Olivia shifted closer to Natalia, pulling her towards her. "I really could use a good meal and a great explanation." Olivia's tone dropped on the last word. She held Natalia's eyes intently, gazing at her as she felt her pulse quicken underneath her fingertips. "What time should I meet you at Towers…?"

Natalia swallowed hard. "Not Towers. Here."

Olivia's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Really…"

"Yes…if you're interested."

"Ok…what time should I be here then?"

"Is eight okay?" Natalia asked.

"Eight's fine…"

They sat still, right hands linked together while left hands explored patches of exposed skin. Olivia's fingertips ran the length of Natalia's right forearm, trailing up along the inner wrist before cupping her cheek softly, her thumb gently rubbing her skin. Natalia's fingers wound along the hem of Olivia's t shirt, twisting it into a knot around her finger before releasing it and shivering at the sight of Olivia's stomach as the fabric shifted back into place. Olivia studied Natalia's face as she tried to keep calm, her eyes sliding along from Olivia's lips, her throat to her collarbone. Their heartbeats were going a mile a minute, thudding in their ears, pulses racing.

"This can't be good for your heart…" Natalia mused, brushing an errant strand of hair from Olivia's forehead, the contact leaving a blazing trail of fire on Olivia's skin.

"I already told you, if this is the way I have to die…I'm not going to complain…" Olivia replied, her thumb roughly brushing against Natalia's bottom lip. She exhaled sharply as she watched Natalia's tongue slide against her bottom lip, moistening. "So…what do you want to talk to me about…?" Olivia asked, trying to keep the conversation light. Her skin crawled as she watched Natalia. She _wanted_ to touch her so badly…_Celibacy sucks._

"Just what happened…between us…the things that happened when I was gone…Where we go from here…That is if you want something to happen…"

_Are you kidding me? I've been turning down Josh for you…_ "I'm ready whenever you're ready…" Olivia replied, swallowing the heat that was burning in her chest.

"Okay." Natalia reached for her glass of lemonade, hand never letting go of Olivia's. "Should…no. We have to tell Emma…"

Olivia nodded, watching as Natalia took a hearty sip from her glass, the ice tinkling around inside the cup. "I'll get her."

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Olivia's hand shook as she rounded the corner of the farmhouse to find Emma. She tried to calm herself down, her body humming from the contact. She had completely forgotten the hold that Natalia had over her, the fact that she could just cut her a look and she'd fold like a cheap suit unnerved her. She had been around Josh and all of his sexual bravado for a month and while she appreciated his friendly loyalty, she had briefly entertained being in bed with him both drunk and sober but stopped herself because she knew that she would be betraying Natalia. _Nothing personal, just business. A girl has needs._ She was impressed with herself with for her control in the situation, both the ones she was in control of and the ones where the liquor seemed to be in the driver's seat.

She frowned as she found herself full circle around the house, stopping in the grass in front of Natalia who studied her quizzically.

"What happened?" Natalia asked.

"Didn't find her…" Olivia grimaced. She looked around the yard, shielding her eyes from the glare of the mid-day sun. "I always manage to loose that kid…"

"I think I know where she is…" Natalia offered, standing up from her seat and holding her hand out to Olivia.

Olivia was by Natalia's side in a second, her left hand sliding into Natalia's. They wound up inside the house, crossing the kitchen, through the living room and heading upstairs, Natalia leading the way.

**************

Emma was in her old bedroom, sitting Indian style on her bed, reading a book. Natalia leaned against the right side of the door frame while Olivia leaned against the left.

"Where have you been?" Olivia asked.

"Here." Emma replied, looking up from her book with a grin. "I fed the ducks and wanted to see my room."

"What happened, didn't trust Natalia to take care of it?" Olivia joked, bumping Natalia playfully with her shoulder.

"I did." Emma beamed, closing the book and sliding off her bed to return it to the bookshelf. She crossed the room towards the door and hugged Natalia again. "I really missed you. So did mommy."

Olivia nodded discreetly in agreement. Natalia hugged Emma, glancing up at Olivia who melted where she stood. "We missed you a lot."

Natalia nodded into Emma's hair, standing up and taking the girl's hand to lead her back to her bed. "Well. I have to talk to you about that." Natalia replied, nodding for Olivia to join them. She sat side saddle on the bed, Emma in the center and Olivia sat on the toy chest at the foot of Emma's bed. "I want to apologize to the both of you for the way I left. I was going through a lot of things and it was frustrating for me because I wasn't able to do the things I had to do for you, and your mommy and for Rafe and Frank…" Natalia shuttered at the memory of the constant state of tension that her body and mind had been in weeks ago. She reached out and stroked Emma's hair, a small smile on her face.

"I'm sorry…" Emma replied frowning.

"Oh no sweetie, it had nothing to do with you! Don't say sorry. It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you at the barbecue and for camp…I didn't want you to see me upset."

"Well, where did you go? Did you go away to camp too?"

Natalia looked at Olivia, floundering for an answer. "In a way, yes."

"What kind?"

"Jellybean, Natalia went to a place where she could relax and breathe." Olivia offered, her eyes moving between Natalia and her daughter, hoping it helped.

"Like the spa?" Emma asked.

"Yes." Natalia agreed. "I wanted to calm down because I was really wound up. Do…does that make sense?"

"Yeah. Are you better now?"

"Much much better." Natalia replied, hugging Emma.

"But honey…" Olivia began, holding Natalia's gaze for any resistance. "We want to talk to you about something else too."

"Ok." Emma replied, her reply muffled into Natalia's shoulder.

"Well...Jellybean, do you remember when you did your family project for Miss Jennings?" Olivia shifted on her makeshift seat, facing Natalia and Emma as they sat leaning against one another on the bed. "About how you had two mommies?"

Emma nodded.

"Ok, well…" Olivia floundered for her next sentence, unsure of how to say what needed to be said. _Why is it I could say it to Ava without flinching but with Emma I can't even speak English? _"Did she talk to you or your class about what it meant…about us being different…?"

"Emma," Natalia interjected, seeing Olivia was at a loss for words. "Your mommy and I are a team and we worked very hard to make sure you have a good home and go to school and you're happy. We didn't agree with each other a lot and there was a time we didn't like each other," she gave Olivia a sideways smile, "but we learned to get along and we became great friends."

Olivia nodded when Emma glanced at her. "You _do_ have two moms who love you very, very much…And we care a lot about each other."

Emma's eyes moved from Olivia to Natalia and back again. "I already knew that."

Olivia's shoulders slumped. "Well…do…do you have any questions?"

"Anything at all?" Natalia added, rubbing Emma's shoulders with her hands.

"Are we going to move here again?" Emma asked, looking up at Natalia, who then glanced at Olivia who sat still on the toy chest, chewing her bottom lip.

"We'll talk about it, okay?" Olivia offered, standing up and sitting on Emma's right side, pulling her into a hug. Natalia's arm slid along with Emma, pinned between Olivia and her daughter. They sat on Emma's bed in a group hug.

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Natalia let Emma pick the right place to hang her dream catcher. She chose the window, climbing up onto the window nook to hang it from the top of the window frame. The tiny dream catcher swayed for a moment, sunlight filtering through the string and feathers. She smiled at her handiwork and hopped down from her perch.

"It's perfect Emma." Natalia beamed, hugging Emma as she admired the totem. "Thank you so much for it."

"You're welcome." she replied, squeezing Natalia back before darting out of the bedroom in an instant.

"Annnd she's off…" Olivia quipped, dodging her daughter as she made her escape out of the room and downstairs to the kitchen. She raised her eyebrows in appreciation of the dream catcher. "Looks good."

Natalia chuckled and turned. She flashed Olivia a grin. "Wasn't as bad as we thought it was going to be."

"No…but…" Olivia shrugged. "There's still a lot to deal with. She might have questions later on…someone might say something to her…" _Rafe might say something to her that will confuse her._ "I'm glad we told her but…" Olivia pressed her palms together and twisted them nervously, eyeing Natalia as she muttered. "It just means a whole mess of more problems…"

Natalia pulled Olivia towards her. Olivia allowed herself to be pulled, her arms open to wrap around Natalia's shoulders. "Don't be so negative." Natalia said, stroking Olivia's hair.

"I'm not…" Olivia grumbled, embracing Natalia tightly, her fingers corkscrewing around the ends of Natalia's hair.

"Sure." Natalia replied, stepping back to cup Olivia's face in her hands. "It's going to be okay. I'm here and you're here and we're going to make this work."

Olivia blushed. "I don't know where you went or what you did, but…wow…"

"What…?"

"That was reassuring." Olivia grinned and kissed Natalia's forehead. "I'm gonna get Emma…"

"So you're going to come for dinner tonight?" Natalia asked, following Olivia as she exited Natalia's bedroom and headed for the stairs.

"Yes." Olivia replied, smiling as she went downstairs. "I can't say no to food and company…"

***************

Natalia pressed her palms together as she watched the pasta boil. She had seen Emma and Olivia off and still debated sending the text message to Rafe about her return to Springfield; she secretly feared that he would show up to the farmhouse and demand answers. She knew she needed to handle one thing at a time. _First things first. Explain to Olivia why you left and then get to the hard part._ She added a pinch of salt to the water before turning on the pan to start the second part of her chicken piccata.

She moved easily through the kitchen, grabbing what she needed with ease almost as though she hadn't spent a month away from home. She scratched at her elbow and looked at it curiously; she shook her head in disbelief at the sight of the mosquito bite that was there. She remembered her time at the retreat and blushed. _It feels like a lifetime ago. Time really does fly._ She watched the chicken as it sizzled in the olive oil and added the chicken stock to the melting butter, tilting the pan over the low flame in a circular motion. Natalia needed to think of how to approach the delicate conversation she was going to have with Olivia but she felt herself coming at a loss for words. A rush of panic flooded her body at the realization that she really hadn't thought of what to say, she was flustered from having seen Olivia for the first time in a month; everything she wanted to say flew out the window the moment she kissed her. _Maybe that's what I needed to do. Just kiss her and that would tell her everything she needed to know._

She sighed heavily and removed the slices of chicken from the pan and placing them on the hill of hot pasta. She gathered the still hot pots and pans and deposited them into the sink, turning on the water to cool the metal before shutting the tap off and drying her hands on a dish towel. She grabbed tinfoil and wrapped the plates up on the stovetop. She gathered her hair up into a ponytail and headed upstairs for a shower.

****************  
****************

Olivia stared at herself in the mirror for a moment, studying her features as she debated whether make up was appropriate for home dinner date/make up. She washed her face and applied eyeliner, unaware that it made her eyes pop more and it had a tendency to make Natalia stammer and stare. She left the bathroom and stared at the two outfits she had laid out on the bed. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her plush robe and bit her lower lip. She dug her hands deep into her pockets as she debated the pros and cons of dressing casually over dressing like it was a serious dinner date. She decided that a combination would ease the tension and take off some of the stress that comes with uncertain conversation. _We're going to have an awkward night._ She pulled on her jeans, hopping on one foot while she tried to calm herself down.

Olivia feared the worse when it came to the evenings activities. _Fine, Natalia left when I needed her. Fine she needed to clear her head but…_ Olivia sat on the edge of the bed and zipped up her boots. She glanced over at the nightstand where her medication sat in front of the New Years photo. _That didn't give her the right to just leave without a word. She didn't return my phone calls, text messages, she didn't even tell Rafe she was leaving. I'm glad she's okay and that she came back but that didn't mean she could just come back and surprise me in my room and all would be forgiven. Who am I kidding? Yes it does. But not by much._

She finished buttoning her top and stood up, fixing the collar as she stared at her medication. _I really should take it._ She rolled her eyes and switched the lamp off. She gathered her purse and keys and headed out. _Natalia, you'd better have a good reason for me to trust you again._

************  
************

Natalia tugged at the hem of her black dress, frowning. She felt entirely too formal for something that was essentially an apology dinner. It was also WAY too sexy. She pulled the dress off and tossed it onto her bedspread. She let out a groan as she crossed to her closet, clad in her underwear as she dug out a pair of clean jeans and found a t shirt in her drawer. She tugged on the jeans, wriggling into them as her eyes darted to the alarm clock on her nightstand.

7:50pm

Olivia would be there in no time. She pulled the t-shirt on careful not to smear deodorant on to the fabric before she ducked under her bed for her sneakers. _It's just a dinner…and a confession. Nothing too terrible._ She smoothed out her hair in the mirror, deciding at the last minute to leave it down rather than tying it back. She made her way downstairs to living room to pace nervously.

Natalia contemplated sitting out on the porch but she didn't want to look too desperate or eager. She sat on the couch, her hands clasped together in prayer, thumbs pressed to her forehead as she waited.

**************  
**************

Olivia was doing well below the speed limit as she glanced over at the flowers and bottle of red wine she bought on her way over. She had no idea what difference flowers made considering how Natalia was the one apologizing but she thought they would look nice in her kitchen so courtesy beat a broken heart. She pulled onto the road that lead to the farmhouse and suddenly regretted not taking her heart medication as she felt it begin to bang against her ribcage. She navigated the winding road that lead to the farmhouse in the early evening and was struck with the irony of the situation; she would spend hours here knowing Natalia wasn't home, feeling nothing but overwhelming loss knowing she was on the other side of the door, she felt more nervous than ever. _It's surreal. That's what I'm feeling. _

The car rolled to a stop alongside the farmhouse. Olivia could see the lights on inside, the sight making her heart skip a beat. She turned the car off and sat inside, listening to the sounds of her surroundings and the engine tinkling as it cooled off. She exhaled slowly, eyes closed as she prepared herself for the evening. _It will be good to be together…but…it's not going to be easy. She hurt me. More than I ever thought she could._ She reached over for the bottle of wine and flowers climbed out of the car, her heart rattling in her chest.

************  
************

Natalia heard the engine shut off outside. She stood up and rubbed her sweaty palms against her thighs, the material of her jeans feeling rougher than usual. _Maybe I need more fabric softener…_She thought to herself glancing towards the back of the house at the laundry room. She was startled by the soft knock on the door. She let out an anxious breath and cleared the space between herself and the door in two long strides. Her right hand rested on the knob, clutching it tightly before undoing the lock with her left hand and pulling the door in.

Their hammering hearts skipped at the sight of the other on the opposite ends of the door. Natalia's face automatically lit up and Olivia's colored in embarrassment; she had been anticipating the worst.

"Hi…" Natalia breathed, still clutching the knob for support. She forgot English and Spanish.

"Hey…" Olivia replied, her voice huskier than she meant for it to sound. "Can I come in…?"

Natalia nodded, stepping back and watching as Olivia entered, the flowers and wine hidden behind her back. She blushed as Olivia extended the bouquet towards her. She took the flowers from Olivia's outstretched right hand, a small smile playing on her lips.

"These are for you." Olivia said, hoping she hid the bottle.

Natalia peered over Olivia's shoulder, her eyebrow raised in curiosity. "Is that for you?" she asked, nudging Olivia in the ribs. "Didn't Rick say no more drinking for you…?"

"He said no more woe is me drinking…he didn't say anything about drinking for a good reason…" Olivia replied with a smirk and a shrug, relishing the feeling of Natalia's palm pressed against her abdomen.

"I don't care. Hand it over…" Natalia commanded.

"Fine." Olivia replied, turning on her heel and heading into the kitchen followed closely behind by an exasperated Natalia. "You'll get it after I have a glass…"

"Olivia." Natalia warned, stopping in front of the stove, staring at Olivia as she opened up a cabinet on the search for a wine glass.

"Natalia." Olivia replied coolly. "I'm a big girl…" _Don't get rude now…_

"One and that's it." said Natalia. She bent at the hip and searched for a vase to put her flowers in. Olivia watched as Natalia filled the vase with water, unwrapping the flowers and arranged them neatly. Her brow was furrowed in thought as she busied herself with the task in front of her. Olivia groaned internally and returned the wine glass to the shelf, sliding the bottle away from her on the counter and crossing towards the stove. She missed the small smile that spread across Natalia's face. "Its chicken piccata. It was fast and easy to make and I thought you'd like something summery…"

"Chicken piccata is considered summery?" Olivia asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest as Natalia turned to face her, her own hands shoved into the pockets of her jeans.

"Not officially but…" Natalia shrugged, "I hadn't made it in a long time and I thought you'd enjoy it."

Olivia flashed a grin. "You know me pretty well."

"So…have a seat and…I'll take care of everything else." Natalia offered, reaching for the plates in the dish drainer and shooing Olivia away from the still warm meal.

Olivia obeyed sitting at the table, watching as Natalia loaded up their plates with pasta, chicken and hunks of garlic bread. She rested her elbows on the table, her hands clasped under her chin. Natalia turned from the stove and placed their plates on the table. She pulled out her chair before remembering that they needed something to drink. She eyed the bottle of wine Olivia brought with her and bit her bottom lip.

"Lemonade is fine." said Olivia.

"Are you reading my mind?"

"No but I know you don't want me having wine…and I know you have lemonade."

Natalia blushed and went to the fridge, pulling out the large jug of homemade lemonade and two glasses from the cupboard. "Sometimes I think you know me too well."

"Funny because sometimes I think I don't know you at all..." Olivia replied, her tone a little too icy for Natalia's taste. She chastised herself. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be…I deserve it…" Natalia replied solemnly, pouring the lemonade out for herself and Olivia. She set the jug down on the table and automatically reached out for Olivia's left hand to say grace. She shivered at the contact, Olivia's fingers automatically intertwining with hers, their heads bowed in prayer. "Thank you God for this meal we are about to eat. For your protection and love. Amen."

"Amen…" Olivia repeated, uncertain as to what the words really meant. She dug into her dinner, hungrier than she thought she was. "I'm really sorry about…

"No Olivia, don't." Natalia interjected, "You're right. We're supposed to know things about each other and I completely betrayed everything…" She stared at Olivia as she spoke, watching as Olivia shoved a forkful of food into her mouth, slurping up a noodle.

Olivia swallowed before speaking. "You broke my heart."

Natalia bit her lower lip, leaning back in her seat, her appetite lost. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are. What I need to know is _why._" Olivia stopped eating, studying Natalia as she searched for an answer. "Why would you tell me you'd go to the barbeque when you had no intention of going and then ignore me when I called you or text you?"

Natalia brought her hands to the table, scratching her right thumbnail into cuticle of her left thumbnail. She stared at a spot on the tabletop as she tried to find the right way to say what she needed to say. She chewed on her bottom lip. "I don't know…" she whispered finally.

"That's good to know." Olivia replied bitterly. "I was in hell without you Natalia. Blake wouldn't even tell me where you were or what happened to you because you swore her to secrecy. Ray wouldn't tell me where you went, only that you were on a retreat and you'd be back whenever it suited you. I went to dozens of retreats, drove to Chicago and found no trace of you. So tell me Natalia, where did you go?"

Natalia had braced herself for the worst but hadn't anticipated that the warmth always radiated from Olivia would be replaced so easily by ice cold; she shivered. "I went on retreat…up in the valley…"

"So you were right under my nose…"

Natalia nodded. "I. I left because I couldn't think of the right way to tell you that I'm afraid to be with you and I'm even more afraid to be without you…"

"That's a start…"

"It's not as easy as that. I." Natalia reached for her lemonade and took a deep swig. She suddenly wished it was the wine she had denied Olivia. "I love you and I want to do the right thing for you and for us. I left because I was afraid to face Rafe, to face Ray and Frank and you…knowing that someone is going to be hurt by my decision…"

"Decision? What decision? To leave? What happened to not waiting anymore…?"

_God I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm making things up._ Natalia felt a lump forming in her throat. "I don't want to wait anymore. That's why I left. I don't want to wait for something terrible to happen to wake me up, to make me realize that this…" she grabbed Olivia's hand. "This is good, this is real."

Olivia eyed Natalia, the ice thawing in her glare. "It took you a month to figure that out?"

Natalia let out an exasperated gust of air. "Olivia. I know it doesn't make sense…but I was scared. There was so much going on in my head…it was like…a hurricane in a bottle or something that just…made me feel completely out of my element. Father Ray told me it was wrong, Rafe just doesn't accept or understand me. He doesn't listen and it just…killed me that he wouldn't even look me in the eyes without disgust. I didn't know what else to do or where else to go."

"I was right here." Olivia replied quietly.

"I know…"

They held each other's gaze intently, hurt and apologies clashing between them. Natalia's thumb rubbed at the back of Olivia's hand as she held it clasped tightly to her chest. "I love you. I came home because I was tired of running and I had no real reason or excuse to have left you the way I did. I cried for days on end. I was weak. I was exhausted and…I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't hurt you any more than I already have…When I got back into town you were the first and only person I saw. Rafe doesn't even know I'm home…"

Olivia's mood brightened somewhat at this.

"I had no good or real reason to leave and all I'm asking is that you forgive me and let me do everything I can to make this better. I know I can balance everything and I just want to try and make whatever we have real." Natalia brushed her knuckles against Olivia's left cheek with her left hand. Olivia nuzzled against Natalia's fingers, her eyes closing with the contact. "I'm sorry…"

Natalia shifted closer towards Olivia, cupping Olivia's face in her hands. Olivia's eyes opened and she shivered as they locked onto Natalia's. "Like I said, I forgive you…but I can't forget it…" she whispered, her fingertips brushing along Natalia's lips softly. "I don't expect you to…" Natalia managed to say, brushing Olivia's hair out of her eyes.

Olivia cut the gap between them, capturing Natalia's lips with her own, crushing whatever response Natalia had. They kissed hungrily, Olivia holding Natalia's top lip with her teeth, gently nipping it as she pulled Natalia closer into her. She felt Natalia shift then slide to the edge of her seat, holding her at her lower back for support. Olivia broke the kiss, pressing her forehead against Natalia's, gasping for breath.

Olivia studied Natalia's face, her eyes trailing along her cheeks, her lips and the faint worry lines that were etching into her forehead. She kissed Natalia's forehead softly. "I can't stay mad at you…"

"I figured…" Natalia admitted, blushing. "I wouldn't blame you if you could…"

Olivia glanced at her plate. She reached for the fork and spun it into the pasta, watching it as it wrapped around the tines before holding it up to Natalia's lips. "Hate to waste dinner…" she smirked, watching as Natalia took the hearty helping and chewed, her right hand coming up to cover her mouth. Olivia wound the fork into the pasta for herself and ate, watching as Natalia swallowed. "What did you do while you were gone…?" Olivia asked with her mouth full of pasta.

"I told you…cried a lot. I wanted to call you but I didn't know what to say to you besides I'm sorry, forgive me and I love you." Natalia admitted, turning to her own plate. She debated mentioning Sydney but remembered her words. _"Just pretend like you were never here." Like she doesn't exist._ "I was meditating and praying and I just realized that I needed to be here. With you."

Olivia nodded, spearing chicken and pasta. She almost choked with Natalia's question. "What did you do?"

_Got drunk, flirted with my ex, got drunk, thought about sex with my ex, got drunk again, cried over you, thought about drinking some more, drank some more, got drunk, flirted with my ex, kissed him, spooned with him, got over it and tried to act as if I wasn't dead inside, got over it and then you showed up._ "Drank."

Natalia's shoulders slumped. "Olivia…"

"I know…my heart…" Olivia took a sip of lemonade. "It was already broken I was only finishing off the job."

"That's melodramatic."

"It's the truth."

"It's impossible that you just…_drank._"

"I chased after you…"

"Drunk?"

"Thought about it. Might've been at one point or another hung over…"

"Olivia…"

"I kissed Josh." Olivia whispered, her eyes low.

"You what?" Natalia looked like she had been slapped.

"Kissed Josh…"

"I heard that." Natalia was taken aback. She studied her plate for a moment before looking over at Olivia, who was studying Natalia's face intently. "Why?"

"I just wanted to feel something." Olivia replied. "I was feeling nothing but pain and booze sloshing around in my system…He was there and he…was comforting to me. You didn't want me and I just wanted to feel wanted…"

"Did you sleep with him?" Natalia's question sounded detached, cold.

"I was close to it." The stitches that mended Olivia's heart slowly came undone as she watched Natalia's expression shift into a hard stare. "I kissed him and…I stopped it. I. I couldn't do it, I wouldn't do it…it felt _wrong._ I asked him to stay the night because I just wanted someone to be near me. We spooned…then Reva called him and he was gone."

Natalia sat silently, registering everything Olivia had just said. Her hands sat palms down on the tabletop as her eyes flicked from Olivia to the table to the floor and then Olivia. She pushed herself up from the table, her arms automatically crossing at her chest, her back to Olivia. Natalia felt tears sting her eyes as she chose her words carefully. "When was this…?"

"Not long ago" Olivia bit her lip, knowing that honesty was the best policy but she was lacking the confidence in her conviction. She rested her elbows on the table, hands pressed together as she spoke. "…Natalia I thought you left me…"

"That makes it better." Natalia asked bitterly, still not turning around.

"I…I was a mess." Olivia whispered. "I had Josh trying to console me, Frank being an ass and Rafe…Jeffery died and Ava was here and I told her about us and you weren't there…" Olivia was on the edge of her seat, her voice cracking with emotion. "I was a mess so I sent Emma to stay with Ava because I was a mess. I hid in my room for days and when I got out and went to Company what did I get? I got Blake trying to play nice with me when I knew she helped you leave me and didn't say a word…I get Buzz telling me I'm the object of affection and adoration but that's not _love_. I leave and try to think outside on the steps of the boarding house no less and Frank…_Frank _tells me that you left because I'm difficult. That practically killed me. I leave, go to the park and I had a conversation with Philip about how no one could love me, how people like he and I are difficult to love… …I was so _alone_ Natalia…can you understand that for a brief moment I was weak? I have people telling me that I'm difficult and hard to deal with. The only people that I do love and love me unconditionally are my _kids._ I didn't know if that applied to you…that scared me. I wanted something someone to understand that and just…make me feel like a human being for once." Olivia's mouth snapped shut. She had gone into a tirade. Her eyes watered and her cheeks pinked in frustration, anger and embarrassment. She eyed Natalia's back, noticing the shift in her posture. "And even if I did sleep with him…it wouldn't have meant anything."

"And somehow that's supposed to make me feel better? I love you, Olivia." Natalia replied quietly, "I adore you, Olivia." She turned and stared at Olivia, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. "I have _never _loved someone or adored someone or felt so completely consumed by someone the way I do with you. Not even with Gus because I always thought a piece of his heart was always going to be with Harley…a piece was always mind but he was never really mine because he was split into so many little pieces but with you…with you…I have you. I don't know where or when or how or why but you are mine…and I know that I'm yours…" Natalia couldn't hold Olivia's gaze any longer, she averted her eyes, blinked and the tears fell, splashing on her cheeks and shirt. She automatically covered her face with her hands.

"You're the one who left _me _cold." Olivia said icily.

"You act like it was so _simple _for me to leave. I didn't know what else to do…" Natalia fired back, turning on her heel to star down Olivia. She hated sounding like a broken record. "It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wrestled with it, I prayed about it, I cried for hours on it and I tried to work through it but it got so hard and I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to leave you or Emma or Rafe but what else could I do?! You felt alone because you had no physical contact I felt alone _because I had no peace! _I don't have anyone just telling me that what I feel for you, that this, this is good and it's real and its okay! I just have people telling me I'm wrong for falling in love with you, that it's a sin and that God doesn't want me to be happy!" Natalia's breathing hitched, her hands covering her face.

Olivia stood up and hesitantly crossed towards Natalia, enveloping her in her arms. Natalia resisted, backing away for a moment before pressing her face into the crook of Olivia's neck, her arms looping around Olivia's waist. She breathed in deeply, letting Olivia's scent fill her lungs and cloud her senses. She felt her tears plop onto the front of Olivia's shirt but she didn't care. Natalia felt Olivia's lips press against the top of her head softly.

"I'm sorry…" Olivia whispered into Natalia's ear. "I didn't mean to hurt you…"

"I never wanted to hurt you." Natalia managed to say, her chin resting on Olivia's shoulder. "We're even I guess…"

"It shouldn't be about whom hurts who the most…"

"It's not…" Natalia replied, kissing Olivia's cheek softly. "It's about what we can do to make it better…"

They stood still, arms wrapped around each other, holding tight. Olivia could feel Natalia's heart fluttering against her chest, the rhythm matching her own. Olivia ran fingers of her right hand through the ends of Natalia's hair, holding her tighter than ever. She felt a teardrop slide down her cheek and her breathing hitched the realization of her tirade finally clicking in her head. She brought her lips to Natalia's ear, whispering softly. "I have never, _ever_ been this vulnerable with someone. It scares me."

"Imagine me…" Natalia whispered back. "It scares me so much that we just…"

"Click…" Olivia finished the sentence.

Natalia chuckled softly, the sound reverberating in Olivia's chest. She hadn't realized how much she missed that sound, how much she missed that laugh. "We're still so in tune to each other." Natalia rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, listening to her heartbeat. "Even while I was away…with all the fear and doubt I just couldn't stop loving you. I just needed to…"

Olivia nodded. Her stomach grumbled.

"That's nice…Maybe we should finish dinner…" Natalia replied, giving Olivia a lopsided grin.

"Maybe we should…" Olivia replied, sliding out of Natalia's arms. She cupped Natalia's face in her hands, kissing the tears that beaded on her cheeks softly, tasting the sadness on her lips. She slid her hands down from Natalia's face before reaching with her right hand for Natalia's.

"You don't have any more surprises do you? About your exes…?" Natalia asked, following Olivia as she tugged her back to the table.

"Not unless you have any about yours…" Olivia replied, sliding Natalia's chair and place setting closer to her own before holding the chair out for Natalia to sit.

"Funny."

"I try."

They ate in silence for a moment, Natalia smiling to herself as she watched Olivia eagerly stuff her face. "Didn't eat much while I was gone, did you?" she teased, nodding with her chin at the nearly empty plate.

"Microwave pizza, chips and wine. It's fairly balanced." Olivia replied.

"Hardly."

"It's got dairy, uhhh, carbohydrates and…fruit. Wine's made from grapes, which is a fruit. I was fine." Olivia reasoned, poking her fork at Natalia for emphasis.

"I don't like that you were so…"

"Messed up? I hated it too."

Natalia felt the hairs on her arms stand up; she was afraid of another fight. _This is expected, you knew she would still be hostile._ "You don't know how sorry I am…"

"I do."

"No you don't…"

Olivia eyed Natalia for a moment.

"You could've died because of me…" Natalia whispered.

"I thought about it. Just to see if it would bring you back…"

A shiver raced down Natalia's spine. She studied Olivia's features, her green eyes shining fiercely, mirroring her shockingly morbid determination. "Why would you have thought about that?"

"I thought about everything. I did everything…I scared Emma because I was just so…out of it." Natalia's right hand covered Olivia's hand on the table. Olivia watched Natalia's fingers wrap tightly around hers. "Sometimes I'm not even sure this is real."

"It is." Natalia replied, breaking her hold on Olivia's hand to take the empty plate. "I'm here…"

"You're not going anywhere right?" Olivia asked, standing up and taking the lemonade back to the fridge.

"Not unless you're coming with me…" Natalia replied, putting the plates into the sink and turning the tap on.

Olivia nodded absently to herself, crossing her arms in front of her chest and leaning on the fridge. "Ask me."

"Ask you what?"

"Why Josh."

Natalia snorted. "I know why Josh. He gets you. He's the only other person besides me that gets you."

"Does that bother you?" Olivia asked quietly, searching Natalia's face for any hint of discomfort.

"It does…but I get it." Natalia replied with a nod, sticking her hands in the water to start the dishes.

"Stop…" said Olivia, twisting the knobs of the faucet off. She took the dish towel that was draped on the counter in her left hand while reaching with her right hand for Natalia's wrists. She dried her hands in the towel, watching the way Natalia suppressed a smile. Her dimples embedded themselves into her cheeks. "I want to talk to you…"

"About…" Natalia's heart skipped.

"Us. This."

"What more do you want to talk about…?" Natalia asked, genuinely surprised with Olivia's sudden determination.

"Why do you love me?" Olivia asked, her fingers fidgeting with Natalia's.

Natalia shrugged.

"Good answer…" Olivia quipped, leaning against the counter, holding Natalia's gaze with her own. "Seriously…"

"Seriously? I don't know. I just do…I love the way you are with me, how…how you fight, how you just don't let things happen…I love how you make me strong when I want to give up and how…how you just…I love how you love me. That's why I love you."

"Better answer."

"What about you?"

"You're amazing. You're a freaking superhero."

"Good answer…" Natalia teased, grabbing the towel and swatting at Olivia with it.

"You've got a good heart. A beautiful soul…you're…nurturing you're kind and you're forgiving…you see the beauty in everything…even when it's nothing but terrible ugly things…You see me."

"Great answer…" said Natalia, sliding into Olivia's arms. "WAY better than calling me an amazing superhero…"

"Really? I thought it was kind of endearing…" _I also kind of like the idea of you in tights._

"You would." Natalia deadpanned. She smiled at Olivia before disengaging out of her grasp. "So."

"Mhm?"

"Is that all you wanted to talk about…?"

"No." Olivia fingers fidgeted in the belt loops of Natalia's jeans. "What are we to each other? Because I spent so much time trying to think about what to say to Emma and what to call you…Are we even together?"

Natalia nodded again, pressing her palms together. "We're just…two people who love each other."

"That's it?"

"Wow, way to downplay it…"

"I'm not downplaying it sweetie…I'm just…Do you remember when I was afraid Philip was going to take Emma? You calmed me down and told me nothing was going to happen to her. What did you tell me?"

Natalia thought about it for a moment, her eyes scanning the countertop as though she were flipping through the pages of her memory. "That if you wanted me, you just had to ask."

Olivia nodded. "I do want you, Natalia…but…I never actually said it…I just sort of assumed and when you left…I didn't know if we broke up or what happened. I don't even know what I'd call you…"

"There. That's fine. That works."

"What does?" Olivia asked baffled.

"Sweetie."

"Sweetie." Olivia repeated flatly. "Really."

"Sweetheart, sunshine, Natalia…whatever _you_ want to call me, as long as you call me, I don't care."

"See that's the thing…" Olivia began, swallowing hard. "I want to call you a lot of unsavory things. This…" she gestured between them with her hands, "is all nice, it's like we're trying to just reconnect on a friend level and I like that but you _hurt_ me and I don't think you get that. I don't think it's really sunk in for you that you were gone for a month, doing God literally knows what while I had to endure Rafe and…"

"What did Rafe tell you?"

"I deserved to be in pain." Olivia said flatly. "That's not the point…"

"Why would he say that?"

_Because your son is an ass._ "I have no idea…because I was…a zombie. I was dead, I was snapping at people, I was drinking I was crying I was a mess…Because I made his mother disregard everything she ever taught him as a kid…I have no idea. The point is Natalia…" Olivia looked up, her eyes hard, shining. "You don't get to comfort me after breaking my heart. I know that you love me, that's wonderful and I love you too but you were gone _gone _for a month without a word to me, or your kid and you think whisking me to the farmhouse and making dinner and apologizing is going to be enough. It's a lovely gesture but it's…not enough…it's just not going to make up for the heartache…it's not going to make up for the tears, it's not even close."

Natalia was crestfallen, her hands held at her sides as she studied Olivia's face. "There it is." She whispered.

"What?"

"The anger."

"I told you I wasn't going to _forget. _I can forgive you, I can accept your apology but it doesn't make it okay. It doesn't make it _right _because you know that I wouldn't ever DREAM of leaving you without telling you where I'm going or why I need to leave…" She avoided Natalia's eyes; they were filling with hurt and tears. "I'm so glad you're safe but I don't know…there are a lot of mixed emotions going on in my head and heart right now and they're fighting to get out of me."

Natalia nodded. She leaned against the rail of the sink and crossed her arms in front of her chest to shield her from the chill that was slowly radiating out of Olivia's person. "Let it out then." She breathed, hoping she was ready for the onslaught.

"I hate that I'm completely dependent on you. I hate that I can't sleep or eat when you're not around. I hate that you take up every inch of thinking space to the point where I wonder what you'd do in a situation or if you'd just consult God. I hate that when you left me, I felt my world crumble in a way that I never thought possible and I completely became unhinged. I was a shadow when you left me, Natalia. I hate being that weak because of one person."

Natalia's body shuttered as Olivia spoke. She disliked the word hate and when it was attached to her name while coming out of Olivia's mouth it scared her. She knew it was only an expression of anger but to know that she had caused so much of it in Olivia…She glanced over at Olivia who was staring at the floor with determined interest.

"I love that you came home…I'm glad you came home…I wanted you back the second I realized you were gone. I went everywhere in Springfield but all it did was remind me that you weren't here and I called Philip to get me and he dropped me off here and I just. I lost it. I. I camped out here practically every night hoping that you'd just come home. I thought maybe you were on an emergency trip but then what Blake said to me…at the barbeque…She said you didn't want to see me. I thought 'I pushed her too far. I pushed for too much too soon and she couldn't handle it' it never dawned on me that you were under so much pressure…that I was causing it." Olivia looked up at Natalia who was still watching her closely. "I hated myself for doing that to you. I hate knowing that I drove you away and that I'm glad you're home but I'm scared because I don't know what to do now…I feel like I'm walking on eggshells…"

Natalia nodded, holding Olivia's gaze. "We're on the same page. I know dinner won't make things better…I know that I'm sorry won't make you feel like you can trust me again…"

"That's what it is. I hate that I just…trust you."

Natalia bristled. "Why do you hate that…?"

"I don't trust anyone." Olivia replied simply. "I don't. I can't. I've been hurt so many times…" she let out a sardonic snort. "Comes with the territory of being desirable but not loveable."

"You trust me…or at least you did."

"I still do." Olivia replied quietly. "I don't know why, but I do."

"And I love you…that should count for something, right?"

Olivia nodded, brushing at her eyes, smearing some of her eyeliner. Natalia took the towel in her hand and dabbed at Olivia's eyes, her face inches from Olivia as she wiped the tears on her cheeks. Olivia studied Natalia's face as she worked, shivering at the feeling of her fingertips against her skin, watching her as she worked with love despite the near character assassination she had just performed on her. She reached out and cupped Natalia's cheek softly, rubbing her thumb along her jaw. "It counts for everything." Olivia whispered, melting as Natalia's gaze met hers. She dropped her hand from Natalia's face and wound her right arm around Natalia's waist, pulling her into her chest and kissing the top of her head softly. "Just please promise me that the next time you have a crisis of faith you'll tell me…and we'll work through it together."

Natalia nodded. "Only if you promise to stop hating the way you feel and just feel it…"

Olivia let a small smile tug at the corners of her lips as she thought it over. "I think I can manage it." She gave Natalia a squeeze and sighed. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

****************  
*****************

Olivia sat on the bench on the back porch, her hands pressed together between her knees. The summer heat had given way to a cool summer night and as Olivia looked up, she noticed that the sky was dotted with perfectly white stars in an inky blackness. She closed her eyes and made a wish even though she had told herself that she didn't need to make them anymore, old habits die hard. She heard the door open and her eyes flicked from the sky towards the sound. Natalia joined her on the porch, holding to mugs of coffee and a blanket draped over her left forearm. Olivia stood up and took her mug from Natalia's left hand, their fingertips brushing for a moment, shocks passing between them. Natalia blushed as she draped the blanket on the back of the bench and sat down closer to Olivia than either of them had anticipated.

"Hi." said Natalia, settling into the bench, her knees touching Olivia's.

"Hi." Olivia replied, leaning her knees on her elbows, closing the gap between herself and Natalia. In the moonlight, Natalia could see the mix of emotion still bubbling in Olivia's eyes. A slow smile crept across her features, a dimple embedding in her left cheek as she studied Olivia's face. "What're you thinking about?" Olivia asked, breaking into Natalia's thoughts.

"Nothing." Natalia replied, her own eyes mirroring hope.

"What do you see…?" asked Olivia, intently holding Natalia's gaze, her eyes smoldering in the moonlight.

"You…what do you see?"

A sly grin tugged at Olivia's mouth. "You…"

Natalia blushed and pressed her forehead against Olivia's, the tips of their noses touching. She smiled, the brilliance nearly blinding Olivia as she placed her mug underneath her seat and placed her hands on Natalia's cheeks, framing her face. She held her still, holding her face and staring into Natalia's deep brown eyes, drowning in them. The thumb of her right hand brushed against Natalia's full lips, causing shocks between the two of them. They shivered. "Cold…" Natalia murmured, reaching for the blanket just behind her. She put her mug on the floor, next to Olivia's and unfolded the blanket, draping it over their shoulders and snuggling closer to Olivia, her head automatically resting on Olivia's right shoulder.

They sat in silence, the blanket draped over their shoulders, hands clasped as they watched the moon hanging high in the inky sky. Natalia's breathing hitched, her eyes heavy with sleep and she nestled deeper into the crook of Olivia's arms, her nose buried into her neck. A small smile crept across her face as she snuggled against Natalia as best she could in the bench, her right cheek resting on top of Natalia's head. She sighed, her fingers brushing against Natalia's temple.

*******************

Olivia's back was stiff as the chirps of early morning bird calls roused her from sleep. She groaned and shifted in her upright position, grimacing as she felt a heavy weight across her lap. She looked down and found Natalia had sprawled across her lap, her arms folded under her head as a pillow. She softly cleared her throat and ran her fingers through Natalia's hair, delighting in the silky texture. She brushed the hair away from Natalia's face, her heart melting at how soundly she slept despite the awkward positioning they had on the wooden bench. Olivia stretched her left arm over her head, her head moving to the right and pressing against her right shoulder as she tried to work a kink out of her back. She tried to keep still and grimaced as Natalia shifted in her lap, letting out a small grunt. Olivia blushed as she felt Natalia's face and arms pressed heavily against her thighs. She sighed heavily, the early morning chill settling into her bones as she gently squeezed Natalia's shoulder to wake her.

"Natalia…" she whispered softly, leaning forward, her lips inches from Natalia's right ear. "Wake up…" she urged gently nudging the sleeping woman's shoulder, pressing her lips against her cheek softly, and shivering with the contact.

Natalia stirred briefly, a murmur escaping her lips.

"Natalia…" Olivia repeated, kissing Natalia's cheek again, brushing her lips against the soft skin. She felt electricity pass from Natalia's cheek to her lips.

"Mphm."

"Hey…wake up…" Olivia breathed into Natalia's ear again, her hand curving under Natalia's chin, turning her face up. Olivia shivered as Natalia's eyes opened, the deep brown orbs peering up groggily back at her. "There you are…"

"Mm? Hey…" Natalia mumbled, rolling onto her back, her feet planting on the bench as she lay across Olivia's lap, staring up at Olivia. "How long was I out…?"

"All night…" Olivia replied, brushing Natalia's bangs away from her forehead gently with her left hand.

"Oh God…I'm so sorry…." Natalia groaned, covering her face with her hands in embarrassment.

"Don't be…" Olivia replied, prying Natalia's hands away from her face and gently kissing her palms. "Made up for the nights I spent sleeping out here by myself…"

Natalia studied Olivia's face quietly, shivering with the dawn chill and the waves of sadness still surfacing in her eyes. She freed her right hand and reached up to stroke Olivia's cheek softly, her thumb gently rubbing circles against her skin. "I'm sorry…" she whispered, sitting up awkwardly. Olivia let out a yelp as Natalia's elbows dug into her thighs. "Oh God…" Natalia groaned, standing up in horror as Olivia winced with pain, rubbing her bruising thighs. "I am so so sorry…"

"Shut up with the 'I'm sorry's' already…" Olivia grumbled, grabbing Natalia's hand and pulling her to sit back on the bench.

"Sorry…" Natalia muttered, a small laugh escaping her lips. She blushed as she caught Olivia watching her intently. "Did you really sleep out here…?"

"Here or in the car…" Olivia replied, turning on the bench to face Natalia, raising her right leg to rest on the bench, bent at the knee. "I just…wanted to feel close to you even though I knew you weren't there…"

Natalia reached for Olivia's hand, grabbing it and squeezing it gently. "I'm ready for this. For us." Natalia vowed, her eyes catching Olivia's distracted gaze. "I want a life with you…a chance with you and I know that I screwed up royally this past month and that there's really nothing that I can do about the past but the future…the future I know I can deal with as long as I know you're willing to let me have that opportunity. I know we're going to fight and we're not going to agree and we'll probably even not speak to each other for hours but I know that a nice dinner, an I'm sorry and honesty will make up for it…"

Olivia held Natalia's gaze intently, she wanted to speak but couldn't come up with something to say.

"I know that you wished on stars when I was gone…I wished on them too…I wished for answers, for strength…I wished that you'd still have some love in there for me and I hope that I was right with that…I don't expect you to forgive me, I know you're going to be hostile sometimes with me…I don't want that but I expect it but I promise you, Olivia, I promise you that I will be so so careful with your heart, with your trust…you…you'll feel adored…admired… loved." Natalia pressed the back of Olivia's hand to her chest, squeezing hard, her eyes shining wet with tears. "Just please…let me have that chance."

Olivia blinked, tears falling soundlessly as she nodded and leaned forward and captured Natalia's lips with her own, kissing her hard. They were locked in a gentle give and take, Olivia allowing Natalia to take control of the kiss, her body arching heavily into the contact, their breath mingling. Natalia's hands framed Olivia's face, kissing her softly, her thumbs brushing away the tears that fell as Olivia pulled Natalia closer to her, her arms locking around her shoulders, fingers coursing through Natalia's hair. Natalia broke the kiss, taking small gulps of air as she licked her lips, tasting where Olivia had been. "Is that yes…?"

"It's a maybe…" Olivia replied, feeling slightly lightheaded, the color in her cheeks a deep flushed red.

"Just a maybe…?" Natalia repeated crestfallen. "Why just a maybe? Why not an enthusiastic resounding yes…?"

Olivia contemplated her answer, pouting her lips as she thought of a reason. "You've gotta earn it Rivera…I told you…"

Natalia grabbed a fistful of Olivia's shirt, tugging her roughly towards her, capturing Olivia's mouth, their lips locking in a searing kiss. Natalia's mouth expertly dismantled whatever false excuses Olivia was preparing as she gently nipped Olivia's top lip, the tip of her tongue flicking gently against the skin. Natalia shivered as Olivia deepened the kiss, allowing her more access, a moan escaping her lips. Fingers entwined in hair, pulling faces closer as mouths opened, tongues gently probing curiously tasting and feeling. When Olivia finally came up for air, she was certain she was going to die of a heart attack her heart was rattling in her chest. She caught the look in Natalia's eyes, a mixture of lust, desire, fierce determination and confidence. She shivered. "Still a maybe?" Natalia teased, her hands caressing Olivia's, a playful smile on her lips. They were slightly bruised and plumper than usual.

"I'm willing to work with you…" Olivia replied, biting her lower lip as her eyes trailed the edges of Natalia's lips slowly. "On the condition that you _never_ do what you did again…and that you let me take care of you…"

"Deal…"

It was entirely too optimistic to think that it would just work out so easily. It almost seemed to be cut and dry, a piece of perfection that Olivia had always wanted but hadn't been lucky enough to have. She watched Natalia busy herself in the kitchen making breakfast and a fresh pot of coffee. They had kicked off their shoes and padded around the house in socks and while it was comforting to know how easily they could fall into some semblance of routine, Olivia and Natalia knew that in the back of her head, there would always be doubts and worries and fears. _There will always be that little piece of me that will question what she's thinking and doing and what I'm thinking and doing…why I bothered to go this far down the line and why I let her back in so quickly and so easily. I was hurt. Badly. I just can't let her back into my world so easily but the simple truth is that she somehow became my world and when she left…it fell apart. I just have to learn how to be myself and be myself with her._ Olivia blushed as she watched Natalia slide across the kitchen floor in her socks towards her, a glass of orange juice in hand.

"Lucky you have a clean floor." Olivia joked, taking the glass from Natalia's hand.

"Wouldn't matter, I've got the washing machine…" Natalia replied, flicking her dishtowel at Olivia.

Olivia took a sip of orange juice, watching Natalia bounce and slide around from place to place in the kitchen. _I can do this…I'm going to try and be the little engine that could._


	13. Lost Year

**Lost Year**

Natalia has to make up for lost time, broken hearts and make amends. I'm sort of following the series, but as I hate the pregnancy twist, I'm deviating from the plan and creating a semi interesting universe. I'm going to incorporate some of the better thunked out scenarios thus far for the girls, but at this point I just make it up.

Sorry it took so long. Thanks for listening, thanks for caring.

Mute Math- Lost Year

********************************

Natalia sat across from Olivia as she watched her finish off her scrambled eggs. She suppressed a smile as Olivia scraped the plate with the side of her fork, dragging the left over eggs to the edge of the plate and using a piece of toast to shovel the remnants into her mouth. Natalia sipped her orange juice quietly as Olivia wiped the corners of her mouth with a napkin.

"Still better than the ones at the Beacon. How do you do it?" Olivia asked with a mouthful of toast and egg.

Natalia shrugged. "Practice?"

Olivia nodded absently, reaching for her own glass of juice and sipping slowly.

"Olivia…" Natalia began, biting her lower lip before she spoke. "I know that last night was…" she scanned the tabletop searching for words before her eyes met Olivia's. "Wonderful…and I know that it's going to be difficult the next few days…I just want you to know that I'm willing to do whatever I have to…to earn your trust and love. I'm ready to fight for us."

Olivia nodded, rubbing the tines of her fork against the plate absently. "I'm glad you realize that you're going to have to." Olivia replied quietly, her voice icy to Natalia's ears.

_She can be so hot and cold. _Natalia reached across the table for Olivia's hand, her fingertips brushing the back softly, the touch leaving trails of fire along Olivia's skin. "Whatever you want from me. I am willing to do it for you. I want this. I want us. I want you. Just tell me what you want me to do for you, to make you understand that I'm here and I want to make it right."

Olivia nodded again, feeling stupidly as she did it. She watched the way Natalia's fingers caressed her skin, her cheeks coloring as moistened her bottom lip with her tongue. She glanced up at Natalia who was studying her intently, her eyes flashing with conviction. "That's for you to decide…" Olivia managed, sliding her hand away from Natalia's touch. "I told you that I'm not sure I trust you. I don't want to get hurt again and I have this nagging feeling, dinner and breakfast and conversation aside, that I'm going to get hurt or you're going to…to…panic and back out again. I don't want to get hurt because I know I won't recover." The back of her hand tingled where Natalia's fingers had been; she wanted to feel her skin against her again but was afraid. "I'm glad we had our conversation but…"

"Your guard is up." Natalia added, leaning against the back of the chair, her bottom lip held between her teeth, causing a dimple to form in her chin and in her right cheek. Olivia melted at the sight. "I know it is…and I'm willing to work through it. I want this." Natalia squared her chin and shoulders, defiant of Olivia's attitude.

Olivia took in the sight of a newly confident Natalia, watching the way she held her gaze intently, challenging and brave, her eyes flickering with hope and determination. _And love._ Olivia thought as she finished off the rest of her orange juice, eyeing Natalia over the rim of her glass as Natalia finished her breakfast in silence. Olivia stood up and deposited her plates into the sink, twisting the knob and letting the water rush over the plates. She missed this kitchen, she missed the smell of a fresh homemade breakfast, she missed the smell of laundry and she especially missed the woman that was staring holes into her back as much as she hated to admit it. She hated that she had let someone in so readily and completely and had gotten the door slammed in her face for her trouble. Olivia scrubbed the plate with the sponge, watching the bubbles and suds slide down, slicking her fingers. She focused on the simplicity of the action instead of the heat that she felt boring into her back; Natalia was watching her as she did the dishes and those eyes on her back were roaming along her body. She shivered. _Don't let her get to you. She broke your heart, remember? She could've killed you. Well, you could've killed yourself but really she was aiding and abetting in your suicide._ She shifted on her feet, trying in vain to glance over her right shoulder casually and catch Natalia's gaze. Natalia was at her shoulder in a heartbeat, her own dirty dishes in hand. Olivia jumped and took the plates, feigning her fright as she slid them into the sink. Natalia gave her a lopsided smile before going to check on the laundry and Olivia felt her knees buckle slightly. She gave Natalia a tightlipped smile, turning to continue doing the dishes before feeling Natalia pass her and head towards the laundry room. Olivia glanced to her right and caught a glimpse of Natalia she exited. _DO NOT LET HER WIN SO EASILY._

**************************

Olivia gathered her purse and stood in the living room checking to make sure she had everything she'd come in with, sanity included. Natalia stood awkwardly a few paces away from Olivia, her hands crammed into the pockets of her jeans, watching Olivia double check for her car keys.

"Got everything?" Natalia asked, glancing around the living room.

"Think so." Olivia replied, running her right hand through her hair, trying to shake out the nerves that were building up. "Thanks for dinner…and breakfast…"

"Sure. Anytime…you know where I am…"

"Now I do."

Natalia winced at the barb. "Ouch."

"You asked for it." Olivia said, turning towards the door, her left hand resting on the knob. The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as she felt Natalia move closer to her, heat radiating from her body. She turned slightly, trying her best to maintain a comfortable distance, her back pressing against the door. "Sorry…"

"Don't be. I deserve it. I have to prove to you that I love you and that I choose you so if I have to put up with your comments then so be it. I'm used to you bullying me anyway."

"That's not fair, I never bullied you…"

Natalia raised an amused eyebrow. "You forgot the way we used to be…?"

_It was a lifetime ago…_ "I didn't forget…I…"

"Fell in love with me."

It was Olivia's turn to raise an amused eyebrow. "I did."

"So did I. A year changes everything doesn't it?"

"A month more so."

Natalia took a step backward, her bottom lip clenched between her teeth. She nodded absently, a slight tremble passing through her body. "I'm going to make up for it." Natalia muttered to the floor, avoiding Olivia's eyes.

Olivia's right hand burned to touch Natalia's cheek. She thought her touch would be ice cold and clenched the hand into a fist before resigning herself and reaching up, her knuckles brushing against Natalia's jaw before she hooked her fingers underneath her chin, turning her head up. She shivered as Natalia's apologetic gaze caught her own steely gaze. "You have your work cut out for you." She said, swallowing hard, resisting the urge to kiss her deeply, forgive her and spend the day wrapped around each other. _Don't make it easy. You can't make it easy. You can't let her know that you wanted her back bad enough to kill yourself._ She gently squeezed Natalia's chin. "I'll call you." She said before turning the doorknob and letting herself out.

*********************  
*********************

Natalia sat in the center of her couch, staring down at palms, studying the lines and creases in her skin as her mind replayed last night's events. She had fallen asleep in Olivia's arms, feeling her warm body pressed against hers on the bench, their bench, on the back porch under the stars. Why wasn't that enough? _Because you broke her heart, that's why. She told you dozens of times._ She pressed her palms together and exhaled through her nostrils, her mouth crooked as she thought of ways to get Olivia to give her a second chance.

**********************  
**********************

Olivia stood still in her doorway for a moment, double checking the number on the door to make sure she had walked into the right office. _This is my office…_ Olivia took a hesitant step forward, crossing the threshold into the office, warily eyeing the tall green vase filled with a large bouquet of flowers.

"Kyra?" Olivia called over her shoulder. "Who sent the flowers…?"

She ran her sweating palms against her white skirt, stepping towards her desk and reaching for the card that attached to the vase.

"I hope these flowers are as beautiful as you are. Love Natalia." Olivia read aloud, a smile creeping across her face. Her fingers and palms brushed against the petals of the flowers, the smile fading from her face. She knew what Natalia was trying to do. _One night isn't going to change everything. Okay maybe a little bit…_

She spent the rest of the day trying to find appropriate places to hide the flowers, grimacing at each new piece of advice shared with her from Blake and Vanessa, each of them never knowing just how close to home their words hit.

She wasn't ungrateful for the flowers, she just hated being reminded that Natalia was back and trying to make amends with simple gestures like flowers and dinners and breakfasts. She bristled as she sat in her office, watching the way the flowers stood prominently no matter how hard she tried to put them somewhere away from her line of view. _I know fighting it isn't going to work and she already won and knows it, without even my ever really saying it. I missed her so much but she hurt me badly. I was burned. Olivia Spencer, remember that, you were abandoned and left behind without so much as a word or a decent reason. Don't forget that. _She bit her lower lip, her still mending heart fighting with her logic as she tried not to happily anticipate the next act of kindness.

***************  
***************

Natalia knew the flowers weren't a peace offering but they were a start. As she fixed her hair in the mirror, she felt more confidence radiating from her and bouncing from the walls of the farmhouse. She shook out her shoulders, fixed the hem of her green dress and stepped out for her first day back in Springfield.

***************  
***************

She hadn't expected Buzz and Frank at the table and felt her feet carry her right back out the front door before they had acknowledged her. The Cooper men called for her swift return and she obliged, a smile stretching on her face. She wanted to make it quick but had completely forgotten what it was she was going to Company for. _Lunch. I was going for lunch for Olivia and I and I was going to ask her to come out to the park with me for a picnic. _

She grinned and bared Buzz's fawning and Frank's feigned indifference as Buzz made his way to the kitchen to prepare for the lunch rush.

"So. Does she know you're back?" Frank asked, bracing himself against the countertop, doing his best to act as casual as possible.

"Yes she does." Natalia beamed with a nod, the heels of her palms resting on the railing of the counter top.

"I bet she was happy to see you…" Frank tossed the rag under the counter.

"Yes." Natalia fibbed. _She's ecstatic Frank, she's happy to see me and she's trying to act like she isn't even though last night we slept on the back porch under the stars wrapped up under a blanket and each other._

"Does Rafe know you're home?" Frank asked, busying himself with a rag and wiping down the already clean countertop.

"No not yet. I haven't found him."

"Oh, you're looking for him…?" Frank asked, pausing mid-wipe to glance at Natalia curiously. "I think he's out with Daisy at the park..."

"Oh…How was he…?" Natalia asked, remembering what Olivia had told her about his attitude towards her.

"He was good. He's been going to work, we've been making his probation meetings…He's a good kid."

Natalia nodded, tapping her fingers against the counter absently. "Thanks for keeping an eye out on him…while I was gone…"

"Sure…sure…I care about him, you know that." Frank replied, downplaying his role.

Natalia gave him a tight lipped smile and a nod. "I know you do. I'm going go and find him…" She turned quickly and left Company, her mind formulating what she would tell her son.

***************  
***************

Olivia's stomach grumbled. She glanced at her watch. "Jeeze it's lunch already?" she leaned back in her chair and chewed the end of her pencil, eying the flowers as they sat on the edge of her desk, staring them down. She made a face. _They are beautiful._ She reached up and brushed the petals of a particularly wild colored flower, the smile touching the edge of her lips softly, tugging her mouth into a crooked smile. _Focus. Focus. One night isn't going to change one month of misery and pain._ She shook her head and ignored the pang in her chest as she stared at a piece of paper, the words blurring as her mind wandered off.

_Last night…She kissed me. She told me everything I wanted to hear…Exactly. Everything you _wanted _to hear. How much of it was from her heart? How much of it wasn't lip service…_ In her mind's eye, she could see Natalia's face…trace her lips with her fingertips. She stretched her back, bending her neck to the right, a small crick working itself out as she tried to remind herself that she wasn't going to be easily wooed and charmed back. _Not after the heartache and the…_ her mind searched for words, _abuse. She abused me, she beat me up with my own feelings and left me alone to pick up the pieces and I have the pieces in place, I'm just gluing them back together and the glue is drying, I know it's drying. I felt it drying. _

_When she kissed me._

_When she brushed my hair back._

_When she looked at me._

_God. I love her._

The knock on the door snapped her head up from the paper she had been pinching tightly between her fingers. She had no idea what the numbers or words meant. Her eyes focused on the figure in the doorway, dressed in a simple green dress, hair cascading down her shoulders and back, clutching Tupperware that was filled with...

_Cookies._ Olivia's stomach lurched.

It was Natalia.

"May I come in?" she asked, already steps away from Olivia, the desk the only barricade between them. Olivia chastised herself for leaving the door open.

"You're in." Olivia replied, sliding the paper into a black folder under her elbow, her heart rate picking up.

"I just baked these for you." Natalia answered innocently, holding out the Tupperware towards Olivia trying to ignore the sudden drop in temperature in the room. She put them on the desk, watching Olivia's hands fold inches away from the Tupperware. Olivia's eyes flicked from the Tupperware up towards Natalia, freezing the would be do-gooder in her tracks. Natalia swallowed hard.

Olivia took a deep breath, the left corner of her mouth twitching into a smile that melted Natalia's heart. "Got your flowers…"

"I see…" said Natalia, eyeing the flowers appreciatively, a smile on her face. She was glad that Olivia hadn't opted to toss her out on her ear. _Maybe it'll be easy; maybe it'll take two days instead of months…_ She kept the smile on as she turned her gaze to Olivia, who looked down, fidgeting with a pen she kept between her fingers.

"You shouldn't have." Olivia replied, returning Natalia's smile with a small one of her own.

"I wanted to. I want. I want you to know how I feel. I don't want a minute to go by without you knowing how much I love you…and how important you are to me."

Olivia felt her resolve slipping. She wanted to jump over the desk and pull Natalia back into her arms again. _One night doesn't make up for it…_ "Look. I…I wanna believe that. You have _no _idea how much I wanna believe that but I don't think I'll believe anything you say anymore…"

_But last night…_ "That's not fair…" Natalia began, feeling her optimism dampen and the temperature in the room sink lower.

"It's not." Olivia cut in. "Unfortunately it's how I feel. So I need you to just…" Olivia grabbed the Tupperware and held it up to Natalia, "Take your cookies and go home." She swallowed hard, holding the outstretched Tupperware to Natalia, her resolution shaking as Natalia took the Tupperware, their fingertips brushing.

Natalia's eyes watered as she took the Tupperware and held it to her chest, holding Olivia's steady gaze. They stood in silence for a moment. Olivia tried her best not to stand up and escort Natalia out of her office and slam the door in her face. She would've done it but she feared that the slightest contact would send her over the edge and she'd slam the door closed, press Natalia against the door and kiss her, taste her, touch her. She knew she couldn't have that. She didn't want it.

"Make sure you eat something…" Natalia muttered, managing a small smile. "It is lunch and all…"

"Yeah. I'll be fine." Olivia replied, returning to her work, keeping her eyes as wide as she could, fighting the tears that were threatening to spill.

"Ok…" said Natalia dejectedly, turning on her heel and leaving the office.

Olivia glanced up from the paperwork she pretended to look at. She sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping.

They were her favorite, chocolate chip peanut butter.

Olivia waited a few minutes before she reached over for her phone and dialed the kitchen for a hamburger.

********************  
********************

Natalia sat in the car, drumming her fingers against the steering wheel as she stared out of the windshield, trying to think of what her next move should be. _Dinner, breakfast, flowers and cookies didn't work. I have to think bigger…I have to think…something that would mean the world to her…_ She brought her bottom lip into her mouth and held the left corner of her lip between her teeth. She opened her door and exited the car. She leaned against her door and scanned the park across from The Beacon. She remembered the impromptu lunch they tried to have in the spring, a small smile creeping across her face. They had to sneak out from different entrances at different times just to spend a moment together.

Natalia crossed towards a bench and sat down, her mind tripping down memory lane. _She was so nervous about getting caught…but it was gone just as quickly as it came over us. She slid across to me, her eyes…_ Natalia shivered as she imagined Olivia's bench slide towards her, her body remembering the way she had managed to fit perfectly against her as they sat on the bench. _I completely forgot to pack lunch but she just wanted to be around me. _A light bulb went off in Natalia's head. _That's what we need, what I need, what she needs, to want to be around me again…to want to just forget the world and be together. Like we were last night._

"Olivia's stubborn but she'll come around…" Natalia said aloud to herself, oblivious to the fact that Frank was slowly ambling towards her, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. The sound of gravel crunching under shoes roused her from her daydream, she glanced up at Frank, slightly embarrassed. "Hi."

"Hi." Frank replied, sitting next to Natalia, resting his elbows on his knees, his fingers threading together. He took a deep breath and turned towards Natalia. "I just want you to know that whatever happens between you and Olivia…I'd just like you to know that we could work things out."

"I'm so glad to hear that Frank." Natalia replied, a smile brightening her features as she pat him genially on the back before allowing herself to be pulled into a hug.

"I just…I just want you to be happy." Frank managed to say, a deep sigh pulling the air out of his lungs.

"I know. I'm working on it." Natalia replied, reaching into her bag and pulling out the cookies she snuck from the Tupperware bin in the car. She held one out to Frank who smiled like a kid. "You'll be happy too Frank. You'll see. You're a good man."

"One of yours I'm sure…" he said, taking it happily. He leaned forward and gave Natalia an awkward peck on the cheek. "You call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Yes…" Natalia answered with a nod, watching as Frank stood up from the bench, eagerly breaking his cookie in half. She leaned back into the bench, biting into her own cookie and chewing thoughtfully. _Olivia really missed out on these._

*********************  
*********************

Olivia couldn't take it anymore. The thought that a spy cam was in the flowers was driving her mad and as soon as she finished lunch, she grabbed her keys, locked up the office and headed to the garage, the large vase in tow. She managed to stow it in the backseat behind her seat and thought of the first person they could cheer up.

Reva.

_I hope she's not allergic to exotic flowers._ She thought as she made her way to Cross Creek, the scent filling her lungs and interior of the car with a wild mix of pollen and Natalia. _She really can affect just about anything, can't she?_ She wound the road slowly, pulling in front of the house and shutting off the engine. She wanted the flowers gone, not because she didn't like them but because they were an empty gesture. _No they're not. You're just angry and hurt. You like them a lot but you're just not crazy about flowers that are watching your every move. Ok, flowers you think are watching your every move. _She heard the sound of the front door opening as she worked the vase out from behind the driver's seat.

"Uh…." Reva greeted, surprised that Olivia was on her front drive with a large green vase filled with a riot of colors.

"Hey, how are you? You hanging in there…?" Olivia asked, brushing her back hair away from her face.

"Yeah I'm me…well…no actually I'm not." Reva replied quickly. I'm not hanging in. It's just difficult you know when you find someone to love and they're not there to love anymore…"

"Yeah…" Olivia replied, patting the vase before shifting it's weight in her left arm. "Uhm, somebody gave me these and I…I can't keep them and I thought maybe you…they could cheer you up…" she chuckled as she pat the vase again, hoping Reva would take them off her hands quickly.

"They're beautiful, sure, yeah."

"Yeah?" Olivia couldn't get rid of them fast enough

"Thank you…" Reva replied, taking the vase.

"They're kinda heavy…"

"Oh…my goodness it's heavy…" Reva repeated, hefting the vase and gazing up at the flowers. "I'd ask you in but the place is really a...a…mess…"

"No it's okay." Olivia replied, waving off the offer. "I've gotta go back to work anyway, but enjoy the flowers." Olivia back peddled to the car, glad to have gotten rid of the flowers.

"Thanks." said Reva, watching as Olivia practically sprinted back into the car. She glanced down at the vase, noticing the card attached to it. _Love Natalia…? _She glanced up just as Olivia drove off like a race car down the road.

****

Olivia glanced up in her rear view mirror, the color draining from her face. She had forgotten the card Natalia had attached to the vase. _Crap._

"Guess that's what they mean when they say no good deed goes unpunished…or…something." She shook her head as she continued on the road, fearing that if she turned around and asked for the card, she would have to answer an onslaught of questions from Reva and she lacked the will power to withstand a Reva Shayne inquisition.

_It doesn't matter. We're over. Or. We're on hiatus or time out or on a break or something…But…last night. It shouldn't count. It shouldn't count but it does, it counts because she came to me, she let me be near her…_

It was as if the car had driven itself to the Beacon. She glanced up and found that she was in her parking space, the engine shut off and her knuckles white as she gripped the steering wheel. It felt like she was back in her old skin a month ago; she was on automatic, lost in her own thoughts all of them surrounding Natalia and her heart fluttering at the mere mention of her name. She hated it. She hated being vulnerable and exposed to someone who was so fully capable at dismantling her. She was certain that Natalia could see right through her tough exterior and right into her. _She already has._ She rubbed absently at her scar through her black t shirt, feeling the pain that seemed to radiate beneath her fingertips. She knew who could fix it and hated knowing that she was somewhere in town, planning something…but the fact that she was _in _town made the pain almost worth it.

Almost.

********************  
********************

Natalia used the service entrance and successfully avoided nearly all of the staff on her way up to Olivia's office. She glanced around the empty hall way, checking that the coast was clear and knocked on Olivia's office door. She paused, waiting for entry or Olivia herself to open the door. She knocked again and rested her right hand on the door knob, twisted it and let herself in. She peered around the edge of the door, letting out a breath she had been holding. She let herself in, frowning as she noticed the vase was gone from the corner of Olivia's desk. She rounded the right side of the desk and slid into Olivia's chair.

*****************  
*****************

_Of course you're going to have zero messages from her, why are you bothering to check? _Olivia frowned as she stared at her text message inbox and found that it was empty. She rounded the corner into her office, agitated that it was open yet again. _What is it now? More flowers? Candy? Love birds? _She slowed down at the sight of Natalia sitting in her chair, a small smile on her face.

_Is it possible that she's gotten more beautiful since I last saw her?_ "Look, whatever it is, Rice Krispie Treats, cake, tamale pie…it's not gonna help."

"I didn't bring any food this time." Natalia replied resolutely, squaring her jaw.

"What do you want?" Olivia whispered.

"I know what you need." Natalia declared confidently, her hands folded on the desktop, eyes shining brightly. Olivia looked down at her phone, trying to avoid Natalia's passionate gaze. "You need for me to prove to you that I love you. And I will. I will prove it."

Olivia wrinkled her nose. "Chocolate chip cookies are not gonna make me trust you again."

Natalia squared her gaze to meet Olivia's. "What will?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. She kept them closed as she spoke. "I don't know, Natalia. I don't know that anything ever will." She opened them and internally grimaced. Natalia still had that confident smirk on her lips. Olivia noticed she was wearing a deep red lipstick.

"Oh no, see, you're wrong." Natalia replied, standing up, her eyes shining brighter with triumph. "Something will. There is something. And I don't know what it is yet, but I will figure it out. What we have is good, this is really…good and things are gonna work out. 'Cause I think things are already starting to work out and you may not be able to see that yet but I _can _and I am gonna keep coming back here until you do too." She turned to grab her purse from the right arm rest, tossed Olivia another confident grin and left a shell shocked Olivia to contemplate her words. Olivia turned to glance over her shoulder, watching as Natalia left the office, her shoulders squared and her head held high.

Olivia replayed Natalia's challenge in her head, the sound of her voice reverberating in her skull as her left hand absently brushed against the scar. _She's willing to do it. She's willing to take on the challenge of winning you back. So what are you going to do? Keep pushing her away and see how many times she comes back? Keep telling her its over but in the back of your mind, last night just keeps playing over and over again…She told you everything she could, every reason why she left and whether they were understood or not…She deserves a chance. So do you._ Olivia chewed her bottom lip and stared at the floor, inhaling deeply, her lungs filling with faint traces of the flowers and Natalia. Her phone vibrated in her hand, startling her. She glanced down at the screen and blushed.

_From: Natalia You're worth waiting for._


	14. Almost Easy

**Almost Easy**

Natalia works hard to gain Olivia's trust in her again, even though it's not as easy as baking cookies, leaving flowers and sweet notes on her doorstep.

Following along with the mid/late August storyline where Operation Win Back Olivia was in full effect (flowers, cookies, dinner on rooftops etc) ignoring the Frankenbaby.

Sorry it's taken forever for updates, the real world doesn't care if you have fan fiction deadlines to meet. Thanks for listening thanks for caring.

Title: Avenged Sevenfold-Almost Easy *there is an acoustic version of this song floating around if the original is just too hard for you, I happen to love the album version but that's just me*

Natalia chewed on the end of her pencil until the gnarled rubber tip managed to make its way into her unsuspecting mouth. She sputtered and spat the rubber out, frowning at how distracted she had become while reviewing her finances again. Her mind veered in the total opposite direction from money woes to matters of her broken heart.

_Cookies haven't worked. Flowers she ignores just as easily as she ignores my phone calls and text messages. I know she got my last text, I know it made her smile in the way that I love; where she tries to hide her excitement but all it does is bring color to her cheeks and a flash in her eyes._ Natalia sat in the kitchen, chewing on the end of her thumbnail as she contemplated the many ways she could get Olivia back. _Maybe she's right. Maybe it's over. Maybe I was gone too long for her to even still care about me the way she once did. My biggest mistake was thinking that time would make it better and all time did was make it worse._ She let out a deep breath, her eyes closed as she debated what to do next.

Natalia shook out her shoulders, let out a deep breath from between her lips and hunkered down. She poured over her finances again with renewed vigor and let out a groan. She wasn't mistaken; she was running low on money and the mortgage was due. She knew that Blake wouldn't hold that position for long and it was her foolishness that led to her assuming that in the first place but…_Optimism and I just get along so well that it might have screwed any chance of keeping this place…but I'm still optimistic._ She looked around kitchen and felt a shutter pass through her body as the fear of losing her home entered her mind. She gnawed on the pencil's body for a moment and debated her options. _I could ask Blake for the job back, or at least rotate with Ashley or…_

She stood up suddenly, packed up her papers and headed upstairs to her bedroom to change.

*********

She knew that Natalia wasn't planning on giving up; all she did was flash that heart-melting smile of hers and say point blank that she was determined to win Olivia back. She couldn't concentrate on anything in front of her, her mind swimming as she tried to anticipate Natalia's next move. _Hiring Kyra was smart. She's good at what she does, stays out of the way and doesn't try to get too personal with me._

Olivia entered her office, nose buried in yet another portfolio with the Beacon's paperwork. The numbers and letters jumbled together, forcing Olivia to frown, roll her eyes and call out for Kyra. "I need the numbers for that catering job you booked yesterday!" she called over her shoulder, flipping through papers again, hoping they'd make some sort of sense. _If my head would just friggin clear up._ She chided herself for nearly barreling through her lamp and guest chair as she made her way towards her desk.

She sat in her chair, still pouring over the paperwork while grabbing hold of her computer mouse and shaking it to wake up the slumbering machine.

Natalia entered the office as though she had never left, strutting confidently to stand on the opposite end of Olivia's desk, leather bound Beacon logo emblazed portfolio clutched in her hands.

Olivia glanced from her computer monitor towards the new body in the room and gaped for a moment at the sight of Natalia, clad in a button down blue shirt and a black pencil skirt. She inhaled deeply and Natalia scent filled her lungs; vanilla, cinnamon and whatever fruit fragranced shampoo she was using._ I want to not want her but I can't. I can't help it._

Natalia beamed at Olivia, disarming whatever acidic comment was forming in her mind. "I have that file you wanted." She presented Olivia with the large portfolio, her smile never leaving her face as she placed it on the substantial stack already forming on Olivia's desk.

Olivia kept her hands in her lap, far out of Natalia's reach as she watched as the portfolio was placed with near reverence before her. "What're you doing here?" Olivia asked as delicately as she could manage given her increasing discomfort at Natalia's boldness and the effect she still had on her.

"I didn't bring any cookies I don't have any flowers…"

"What do you need?" Olivia interrupted, cutting to the chase.

"A job." Natalia replied, her confidence wavering under Olivia's scrutiny. "I need a job…" she repeated quietly, almost childlike. "And I realize that you filled my old position…and…Kyra seems nice." Natalia managed, holding Olivia's gaze intently. She smiled inwardly as Olivia suppressed a smirk, ducking her head to check an imaginary something underneath her desk. "But y'know I was hoping there was something else. I'll start from the beginning. Whatever you think, whatever you have available. Waitressing…I could be a maid again…" _Now you're just begging._

"I…know what you're doing and you know what Natalia…? It's not fair." Olivia replied, nodding her head no. Olivia felt a pang in her chest as she held Natalia's gaze with an icy stare. "I want you to leave." _There. I said it. No amount of sweet nothings and romantic evenings will ever let me fall back into that trap. _

Natalia cocked her head to the side, setting her jaw and fighting back tears. She nodded absently and struggled to keep her composure. _What happened?_ She pursed her lips momentarily, swallowed hard and gave Olivia a tight lipped smile. "I deserve that…I'm sorry I bothered you."

"It's not a bother it's…" Olivia scanned her desk for a decent excuse. She saw a time that was closest to the time on her watch, grabbed it and the portfolio and used it as her escape. "I've got a meeting and I've just gotta get to...so it's important so…" Olivia stood up suddenly and rounded the desk, hoping she could avoid contact with Natalia as much as possible. She tried to hide her disappointment as Natalia followed her out of the office, down the hall and towards the elevators.

"You know I'm a good worker…" said Natalia to Olivia's retreating form.

"You're a great worker okay? I'll write you another letter of recommendation but you cannot work here." Olivia pressed the elevator button and despite her lack of faith hoped to God it would show up quickly.

"You don't have _any_ openings." Natalia pressed, praying the elevator didn't show up too quickly. She knew she was wearing Olivia down.

"Oh stop it!" Olivia replied exasperated. "I. This. This isn't about a job. Ok? I know what you're thinking…if we work together I'm gonna be reminded of how much I love you when I don't need to be reminded. In fact, I don't _wanna_ be reminded."

"I. I need a job…" Natalia insisted.

"You're gonna find a job! You will. You're talented, okay? It's just…not here…it's too hard for me, okay? I need some distance." Olivia felt a fresh crack forming on her heart as she watched the realization and understanding wash across Natalia's face.

"I understand." Natalia replied with a shrug. "I just…I really like working here…" She shifted her weight from foot to foot tentatively, slowly inching her way closer to Olivia, her eyes holding Olivia's intently.

"You love everywhere that you work that's one of the amazing things about you, you just see things from a beautiful…place…" Olivia stared dreamily into Natalia's deep brown eyes, taking in the deep pink color that her cheeks were turning from the obvious compliment peppered with adoration. _Damnit. Fooled again._ The corners of Natalia's lips tugged into a small genial smile as she felt herself lulled into the calming depths of Olivia's eyes. She wanted to kiss her so badly it ached.

The elevator pinged its arrival on their floor, tugging them away from their shared reverie. "Which is why we can't do this." Olivia added, effectively cutting the sweetness short. "Good luck with your job search, I know you'll find something." She slid into the elevator, another crack forming in her heart as Natalia's face fell. Olivia pressed a button, keeping her back to Natalia as the door slid closed. Natalia watched Olivia enter the elevator and sighed as she realized Olivia wasn't planning on glancing over to her, the door sliding between them. She turned her gaze towards the ceiling, defeated, eyes filling with tears.

Olivia slid into the farthest corner of the elevator, clutching the file and let out a deep sigh. Her eyes welled with tears as she stared at the elevator door secretly willing for Natalia to stop the elevator and demand a better answer. _What the hell are you doing, Spencer?_

*********  
The meeting went by quickly and Olivia spent another ten minutes hiding in the conference room in the hopes that she would successfully avoid seeing Natalia again today. She made her way slowly towards the elevator, her right hand pinching the bridge of her nose as she walked. She felt the rumblings of a headache coming on. Olivia frowned when she closed her eyes and saw Natalia's face memorized perfectly from their encounter in the hallway. _She was beautiful, she glowed…she…still has a pull on me._ She stepped into the elevator and decided that it was high time for a girl's afternoon.

*******

Olivia sent Jane home for the rest of the afternoon and finished up the rest of her work on her laptop while Emma colored on her bed. She mentally congratulated herself for completing her tasks without once detracting from work to Natalia.

"Wow that is some really nice artwork!" Olivia complimented, tapping Emma's colored pages on the bedspread before crouching alongside the bed. Emma wordlessly shot out the backs of her hands for Olivia's critique. She had ink and doodles on her skin. "THAT'S even better but you know we're gonna have to wash that off so it doesn't get all over the place." Olivia pat Emma's back and sent her off to the bathroom to wash the ink off.

A gentle knock on the door brought Olivia back to her feet, around the bed and to the door. She opened it and was genuinely surprised to find Phillip standing casually on the other side of the doorway, leaning against the frame. "Hey!" Olivia squeaked. "C'mon in." she waved Phillip into the room.

"I'm…really glad I caught you I was hoping that maybe I could steal Em for a little one on one time today…" Phillip said, standing with his hands burrowed deep into his pockets.

_There was a time where you stealing Emma would've gotten you shot dead on the spot buster. _"OH…yeah…I think that'd be great…uhm…I'm glad you're here, I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Yeah…? What's up?"

"Uh. Natalia…is…is back." Olivia said, nervously shoving her own hands deep into her pockets.

"Oh well that's great…"

"Yeah…but we're not gonna be together…" Olivia paused and watched Philip's reaction to the news.

He glanced around the room, his mind ticking away and digesting the information. "Does…that mean she might be…going back to Frank…?"

The thought hadn't even occurred to her. "I dunno, either way, we're not gonna be a family so I think spending time with Emma is a _really_ good idea. The more time, the better." Olivia seemed pleased with her nearly flawless logic.

"Well. I'll certainly make today as fun as possible." Phillip offered with a small smile.

"Good. Thanks. Hey EM! Your daddy's here, he wants to take you out for a bit! C'mere." Olivia beckoned the freshly scrubbed girl over. She stepped back as Emma bounded around the bed and towards her father, hopping up into his outstretched arms.

"Hiya pumpkin! How's my girl?" Phillip asked, hoisting Emma up into a tight hug.

"Where are we gonna go?" Emma asked.

"I dunno, where do ya wanna go? We'll go anywhere you want, I just wanna spend some time with you."

Father and daughter stared at each other, expectant smiles on their faces before bursting to a giggle fit. Olivia was disappointed that she just couldn't share that much happiness in that moment and as they turned to share their twin smiles, she managed a tight-lipped one of her own and wrinkled her nose in response.

Phillip placed Emma back on the ground and tousled her hair. "Ready to go?"

"Yup!" came the reply. Olivia ducked down and gave her daughter a hug and a kiss before standing up again and mouthing thank you to Phillip. Emma reached up for Phillip's hand with her right while opening the door with her left and dragging her father out of the apartment behind her.

The idea of asking Alan Spaulding for anything caused Olivia such distress she pulled over twice on her way towards Spaulding Enterprises to make sure she didn't throw up all over herself in distaste. She sat in the company parking lot for ten minutes, hammering out every angle of her plan before Alan could shoot it down. She didn't want to ask him for anything but she didn't want Natalia constantly appearing on her doorstep with those big brown eyes of hers, that smile, her hair and of course, that gnawing reality that yes, she did in fact need a job and Olivia was in fact, the gatekeeper. She drummed her fingers against the steering wheel before sliding the car keys out of the ignition, opening the door and exiting the car.

_What the hell am I thinking? Alan? Alan freaking Spaulding. Really? I'm going to ask Alan to help me help Natalia…after everything that's happened between the three of us…? Really. _Olivia pressed her palms to her face. _I must seriously be going out of my freaking mind to think this is going to be helpful in any way shape or form. Here goes nothing. Or everything? Whatever._ She crossed the parking lot faster than she wanted to and entered the building.

Alan sat at his desk, flipping through pages, comparing numbers and figures to the paper he held in his right hand. He pressed for his secretary. "Kelly, would you bring me the Sabatino file please?" he barked unceremoniously.

Olivia entered the office as if it were her own. "Alan" she greeted, dismissing formalities and pleasantries in one fell swoop. _No wonder he respected me, I play his game better than he does._ "I need you to do something for me."

"Well Olivia…why would I do anything for you?" Alan fired back.

"Cause I asked so nicely?" _Maybe some of Natalia's charm rubbed off on me._

Alan blinked. "Well I'm not sure that's a good enough reason."

"Do it because it's something Gus would've wanted you to do…Natalia Rivera needs a job…"

Alan leaned back in his chair, his fingers steepled in thought and nodding. "Oh I see. I thought she worked for you."

"She did. But I had to replace her cause she wanted to pursue other interests…but the point is she's a good employee and she really needs the work." _Way to dodge that one there, Ollie. _

"And you expect me to give her a job."

"Gus woulda wanted you to." Olivia pressed, feeling the pressure the same way Natalia had been earlier. "Could you just do it?"

Alan weighed his options, pressing his fingertips together as he glanced around the room as though the answer or perhaps Gus' ghost would appear. He sighed. Olivia had a point and for some strange reason, the normally unapologetically calculating business man was feeling charitable, noble even. She squared his shoulders and nodded yes.

"Call her and make an official offer…" Olivia remarked, nodding with her chin towards his phone.

"Not only are you going to tell me who to hire, you're going to tell me how to hire them?" Alan asked, a bewildered look on his face.

"Alan, it's just good business sense, that's all. Besides we all know that I coulda had your company a long time ago…" Olivia smirked.

Alan didn't laugh. He placed his hand on the back of the receiver, eyeing Olivia' curiously. "And what am I telling her exactly? I'm assuming that you won't be acting as her generous benefactor."

Olivia bristled. "Just tell her something opened up. Be inventive, you're a smart man."

Alan pursed his lips and picked up the receiver, poising a finger over the number pad. "I'll need her cell phone number if I'm to make this offer…"

Olivia reached over and punched in the number from memory, surprised at how swiftly she could remember that number by heart.

Natalia needed comfort food and the batch of cookies sitting on the counter back home were ENTIRELY too far away for her comfort. Olivia's no wasn't just no to the chance to work at The Beacon but a no to a chance to be with her again. That one word completely shot holes into her optimism and her heart in one fell swoop. She was down but not out but desperation forced her to the Shop Mart for sugar and a job application.

She hadn't seen Frank standing off to the side with a magazine in his hand, flipping absently through the pages as she rushed in to ask for an application. She felt like she was sixteen all over again. Swallowing her pride, she made her way to one of the small booths while pulling the cap from the pen and sat down.

"Hey." Frank greeted awkwardly. He stooped to give Natalia a peck on the cheek. "Uhm are you thinking of working here…?" he asked.

"Why not?" Natalia replied with a shrug and a fake smile. She pulled the clipboard closer to her, eying the information and hoping Frank would go away. He stayed put.

"Well, you're gonna be on your feet all day…" Frank offered, the rolled up magazine waving around as he spoke.

"Yeah well you know…I have to work _somewhere._" Natalia replied, still clinging to the hope that Frank would get the hint and leave her with whatever scrap of dignity she had left to her. Her phone rang, effectively saving her from another Frank Cooper word of advice. She held up her right index finger, said excuse me and rooted through her purse to find her phone. "Hello?"

"Hello Natalia, its Alan." Alan replied, his voice practically booming in Natalia's ear.

"Alan." Natalia repeated, glancing up at Frank and banging her hand on the tabletop. "Hoooow are you.?"

"Well I'm well thank you but uhhh things are very busy at the moment."

"Well, I guess that's good right?" Natalia replied, fidgeting with the pen as it lay on the clipboard.

"Yes as a matter of fact it's very good. Spaulding Enterprises finds itself a little shorthanded these days and I thought possibly you'd like to be an executive assistant of mine. I hear you're no longer at The Beacon," he glanced up at Olivia, who stood stone silent, her hands in the pockets of her suit pants, "so I thought perhaps you'd like to work for me if you're available?"

Natalia's eyes went wide, the pen clutched in her left hand. "Why yes I'm available…"

"When could you start?" Alan asked.

"I will be right over, thank you." Natalia replied, cheerily.

Alan hung up the phone and shot Olivia a dirty look.

"Gus would be proud, Alan, thank you." said Olivia, her sincerity turned up to 11. Alan stared at her silently, his index finger pressed up against his lips as he watched Olivia exit his office as brashly as she had entered it.  
Meanwhile back at the mart, Natalia beamed up at Frank, suddenly happy that he was there to witness the saving of a sinking ship. "I think I just got a job."

Frank gaped at her in disbelief. "Well, congratulations!" he managed to say with a sideways smile. He stooped awkwardly to gather Natalia up into a hug before sliding into the bench opposite Natalia. "So, where are you going to be working?"

Natalia blushed. "Thank you…I'm going to be working with Alan…"

"Well I guess working here is out huh? Good break." Frank replied, trying to hide his disappointment as Natalia gathered up her things and slid out of the booth.

"Yeah, I have to go…" she gave Frank a tightlipped smile. "Thank you for being here Frank. I'll see you later…"

"Yeah…" Frank replied dejectedly, watching Natalia return the blank application and pen before exiting the store, a smile tugging on the corners of her mouth.

*****************

Olivia was glad Emma was spending the day with Philip but she was upset that she couldn't be a part of that, not when she felt like her world was spiraling out of control. She wanted Natalia back, obviously Natalia wanted to be back with her but something was holding her back; something kept Olivia from running headlong into her, kept reminding her of the pain that had dominated her life the month Natalia was gone. She made her way to her car, her mind swimming in thought as she pulled out her keys and opened the door. She slid into the driver's seat and sighed, drumming her fingers against the steering wheel.

She'd done her good deed for the day, hell for the rest of her life as far as she was concerned and she thought she deserved a reward for her efforts. _Natalia can take care of herself, why did I do all that for her? She's fully capable of getting employed on her own without my help and without my…empathy? Concern? Who am I kidding? I just want her to stay and if that means acting like her guardian angel for a bit then…I guess that's what I'll do. But I'm done. I did my good deed and that's all that really matters._ "Too bad I can't go drinking again…" she mused to herself, starting the engine and cracking her knuckles. She started the car and headed off to Company.

_It's good that I helped her._ Olivia thought as she drove across town towards Company. _I feel better, I feel relieved, the weight is off my shoulders, I don't have to worry about her anymore…That sounds harsh…I'm always going to worry about her I'm always going to think about what could've been and I'm always going to wonder if I did the right thing by saying no to a second chance…I did. I can't get hurt again, no matter how good she is to me…no matter how good that night was on the porch at the farmhouse. _Olivia pulled into the parking spot out front, determined to think of nothing else but shoving food into her mouth and picking up her daughter from her play day with Philip. _You did well today._

*******

Olivia eased herself into one of the taller seats by the counter and flipped through the menu. She hadn't noticed Lillian seated in one of the booths in the back of the restaurant until she spoke.

"Do NOT order anything hot cause that stove is still out." She warned as Olivia settled in her seat.

"Oh, well you know actually I was thinking of ordering a giant piece of chocolate cake." Olivia replied, glancing through the menu, skipping meals and going to the desert.

"Well, that sounds delicious." Lillian replied, ignoring her newspaper and contemplating Olivia's choice in meals. "What're you celebrating something?"

"I…helped a friend." Olivia replied, hoping the interrogation would stop soon.

"Really? What good deed was that?"

"Uhhh, just a job."

"Was it Natalia Rivera?"

"Yeah…She needed a job and…I kind of helped her out."

"You know I envy you."

Olivia made a face, closed the menu and turned in her chair to face Lillian. "Why?"

"Because of your convictions I suppose."

"My convictions?"

"You stand by them and you move people to do the right thing, even if they're not sure it's the right thing."

Olivia stared at Lillian quizzically.

"Your friend is lucky to have you, even if, as I understand it, she left on some interesting terms."

"I guess so."

"You guess so? You don't understand how much you mean to some people do you? I'm pretty sure that you guys will have plenty of time to catch up…"

Olivia turned in her seat again in the hopes that her sudden loss of color in her cheeks wasn't too obvious to Lillian. "Well you know the truth is is that I am so swamped at work that I probably won't be around that much." She fidgeted with the menu, aware of the fact that she was giving away more than she wanted to. _Maybe Lillian knows more than she's letting on._ "We're friends but I have a bit of an issue with…with the way she handles certain things…"

"Certain things?"

Olivia could feel Lillian's gaze boring holes into her back. She was on thin ice now. "Well, she left without saying anything to myself or to her son, Rafe…She worried a lot of people and she didn't think of the consequences of her actions. She thought she could just leave and come back and everything would be as she left it…A lot of people are upset with her, me included. I guess she has to learn the hard way that forgiveness is earned…"

"Well…well that's awful. That's a shame, I mean…she's gonna need you to help her get through this…She's gonna need you to hold her and tell her that everything's gonna be alright."

Olivia felt that good feeling she had been busily cultivating was completely fading away with Lillian's sage advice. She blinked back tears that were threatening to spill. "Well…I did my part…You know me and my convictions…"

"I know." Lillian shook out her paper and resumed reading for a moment, leaving Olivia to think about their double sided conversation. "But you know, forgiveness is a two way street…If you're not open to it, she can't know she's going to receive it."

Olivia turned in her seat again, gave Lillian a tight lipped smile, ordered a coffee to go and left.

Natalia found Alan standing in his office, reading through the same folder Olivia had interrupted him reading. He looked up and blinked curiously at Natalia. He hadn't been expecting her so soon, let alone ready to work a half hour after having spoken to her. _And she's so…chipper._

"Hi." She greeted.

"Natalia…" he replied as though seeing a ghost. "How are you…?"

"I'm fine…Why're you looking at me like that?"

"I…well…to be honest I didn't think you'd start so soon…" he bluffed.

"Oh well…you said you were needing extra hands so…Here I am."

Alan shifted his weight from foot to foot eying Natalia curiously. "That sneaky Olivia…" he muttered to himself. She'd backed him into a corner; he had to give Natalia the job or risk Olivia's wrath.

"What?" Natalia asked, cocking her head curiously at Alan.

"Well, Olivia, she's the one who pitched you for this job and she'd already filled your position at the Beacon I guess she didn't want to deal with your…"

Natalia cut him off, waving away the remainder of his sentence. "Alan if this is going to be a problem we'll just…"

"No no no…It's not going to be a problem. Natalia, you are practically family and I happen to know you are a very good worker."

"That I am…" Natalia replied with a small smile.

"When can you start?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Terrific. I'll alert human resources that you'll be on your way tomorrow."

"Thank you." Natalia replied, a grateful smile brightening her face. "Thanks…"

*****************

_Talk about double entendre._ Olivia thought as she climbed back into her car and replayed her conversation with Lillian in her mind. She _heard_ Lillian's advice about forgiveness and be there for people in times of need…but what she also heard was that Olivia should just throw her convictions out the window for the sake of a friendship. _Stop being a wuss and love her. _Olivia's hands gripped the steering wheel, her fingers flexing and unflexing around the wheel. She silently watched her muscles, tendons and bones move beneath her skin, as she tightened her grip, loosened it and repeated the action. _Why can't I do just do it? I could be in bed with her right now if I just let it go, accept that she's sorry and just be happy. I've been miserable for way too long and this is not the way I should be living…_She sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping with the exhalation as if she was deflating in the drivers seat of her car. She leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes.

_She was there in the office. Defiant. Confident. She wanted me to just say yes, come work for me, I'll fire Kyra in a no time flat and it'll be just like old times. She wanted me to just close the door behind her and kiss her._

_Did she want that? Or did I want that?_

Olivia chewed her bottom lip. _I like the chase. It's nice to be wanted._

*************************

Natalia celebrated her small victory with ice cream and a walk in the park. She was practically skipping down the lane and felt a boost after a quick conversation with Christina, she felt as if everything was finally starting to fall into place.

Everything but she and Olivia.

_I know she wants to wait. I know she's trying to take her time with this but…how can she when we spent such an amazing night together? Maybe she's right. Maybe my asking to come back to The Beacon was just way too much for her but it wasn't like I was expecting her to fire Kyra just like that. Maybe a little bit. Okay. A lot. I really wanted her to just say that she chooses me…she did once…_ Natalia paused and stared at the pond, watching the ducks for a moment as they skimmed along the water. _She still does. I can wait. I'm patient. I'm wearing her down._

*********************

Olivia's legs ached as she gave Philip and Rick a congratulatory hug following their prompt ass kicking. _Yes. I did that, in heels._ Phillip's neck was red with embarrassment as he hugged Emma while Rick chugged a bottle of water off to the side.

"That was embarrassing." Phillip groaned, rubbing his face with his palms.

"It was not, don't be so dramatic." Olivia teased, patting him on the arm.

"Well, I mean you're in heels…"

Olivia looked down at her feet, modeling off her designer stilettos a smirk on her face. "I am…"

Phillip narrowed his eyes and pouted. "I couldn't beat a woman and her daughter in heels…"

"Oh so it was a chivalrous loss…" Olivia replied with a mock serious nod, winking at Rick who finally came up for air from his water break. "That the word, Dr. Rick?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, totally. That's exactly what happened actually in my professional opinion." Rick smiled good naturedly. "Of course it wasn't a chivalrous game, we got had." He nodded towards Emma with his chin. "She's a hustler that one…"

"Well, I know where she got it from." Phillip remarked, glancing over at Emma as she drank water from the fountain.

"Hey…that's not all me…" Olivia said, playfully swatting at Phillip with the back of her hand.

"I wasn't blaming you…" Phillip joked. "How…uh…how are you doing…? I didn't get a chance to ask you…y'know with the whole Natalia thing…"

Olivia winced at the question. "Well…I…I'll live…"

Phillip's eyes narrowed. "Don't gimme that, Olivia. You don't give up that easily…you're a fighter…"

"Yeah well…sometimes you have to know when to pack up the gloves and leave."

"And sometimes you have to wait until someone rings the bell."

Olivia cocked her head at Philip, eyeing him as if seeing him for the first time. "Been reading a lot of inspirational stuff lately?"

"No…it's just…well…I know she makes you happy and seeing you happy makes me happy and…that's all I've ever wanted for you…for Emma…"

Olivia cleared her throat and slipped her hands into the pockets of her pants. "Phil…I know…I…haven't said…"

Emma skipped over to her mother, grabbing her hand and tugging lightly.

"Hey ready to go, Jellybean?" Olivia asked, changing the subject and tone quickly.

Emma nodded.

"Hey! How bout we get some ice cream? Celebrate beating the boys?"

"Yeah let's do it!"

"Uhhh, she already had ice cream…" Phillip warned.

"Yeah but it wasn't winners ice cream." Emma replied with a smile.

"Yeah, it wasn't winner's ice cream…" Olivia teased. "See you later boys."

***********************************

"Thanks for the popsicle." said Emma.

"Yeah well you deserved it, you _nailed _Uncle Rick." Olivia replied proudly.

"He fell hard…" Emma added with a smile.

"Yeah and he's old too and that's not good…" Olivia stopped mid-sentence as Natalia approached her._ It's a small town. That's all it is._ Olivia felt her breath catch in her throat as Natalia stopped in their path, a warm smile on her face.

"Natalia!" Emma greeted with genuine surprise. "How are you?"

"I'm doing well. How are you…?" Natalia replied, amazed at how poised Emma is.

"I'm good. We won at basketball." Emma said excitedly bobbing around in place.

"You did?" Natalia asked.

"Yeah…" came the reply in unison.

"Well, I won today too. I got a job." Natalia juggled her attention between Emma and Olivia, holding Olivia's gaze intently on the last word of her sentence.

"Oh, congratulations." Olivia said with a small smile.

"Yeah…you don't have to pretend to be surprised Olivia. I know that you spoke to Alan and I'm…I'm so grateful, thank you."

"Well…we want you to be ok."

"I know cause we just can't help caring about each other, can we, Em?"

"Nope! You wanna have dinner with us…?" Emma asked almost automatically, a huge toothy grin on her face.

Natalia hesitated, gauging Olivia's body language before answering. Something glinted in Olivia's eyes. _She wants me to say yes…_ "Well, not tonight I can't tonight…but we are going to have dinner together very soon…Ok?" Natalia replied nodding slowly. "Bye." She added, walking on. _Remind her you love her._ She walked past Olivia, extending her left hand out to grab Olivia's left hand, squeezing it gently as she left.

Olivia swore she had been hit with a bolt of electricity as their skin touched for the briefest of moments. She wanted more than that and she hated that she wanted it.

*********************

Natalia lit two candles and made the sign of the cross. She knew it was going to be difficult, she knew it was going to be a struggle but she had no idea that she would see Olivia fighting so hard to resist her. She wanted her to just come back and just work things out in person instead of…avoiding her.

_She's upset, I know she's upset and I know that it's hard for her but I just can't __**not**__ fight for her._ She left the church, feeling better than she had started her day. _I have to do more._

**************************

Olivia washed her face and watched the water drip from her cheeks. Emma was tucked into bed and she was glad to have gotten back into the safe routine with her daughter and her life. Some semblance of normalcy would help ease her out of her terrible need to text or call Natalia the way she used to. The drafts folder on her cell phone was almost filled to capacity with notes she desperately wanted to send but refused to, fearing weakness and vulnerability, things she didn't dare want to show again.

_Not that I don't want her back…I just can't have her. That makes sense. She's going to hurt me…or maybe I'm hurting her. _She rubbed at her face with a towel and switched off the light to the bathroom. She climbed into the middle of her bed and gathered a pillow into her arms. She suddenly wished she hadn't given away the flowers. She wished she hadn't given Natalia a job. She groaned as she felt the sensation of her hand brushing against her wrist, grasping it in a fleeting moment and making Olivia shiver the way she did. She slid underneath the covers, the pillow locked in her grasp, her cell phone well out of her own reach.

*****************************

Natalia climbed into bed and stared at the screen of her cell phone, upset that Olivia hadn't sent her a text message. _What was I expecting? She would forget and slip and send me a message?_ Natalia scrolled through her saved text messages, a small smile on her face as she read old messages from Olivia. I love you. I miss you.

She clutched the phone to her chest, sighing heavily. _Come back to me already. What're you fighting? Why are you fighting? You and I were together on the porch all night, you kissed me…we were fine. We were perfect. What else should I do? What else could I do?_ _She was right there, the door was open and she didn't walk through. I know it's because she's hurt and because she's afraid but I told her that I wouldn't leave, I won't hurt her. I'm here for good and I know that I've made mistakes and I know that I have to pay for them but she has to understand that life is short and nothing is guaranteed, just my love and just that I'm here for her. When I think of it that way, it's almost easy but it's her...it's all up to her. _She thought to herself before closing her eyes and thinking about her next romantic plan to win Olivia back.


	15. Only One

**Only One**

Natalia throws all her cards on the table, determined to get Olivia back, gain Rafe's blessing and start on the lives they put on hold.

I'm taking relevant dialogue/conversation/issues and twisting it to sound better than it really wound up being…which means I get to visit with Otalia online ALL THE TIME. Thanks for the patience and the feedback, it's quite appreciated.

The girls belong to P&G, CBS, Telenext and their respective creators. Just being formal I suppose.

Title: Yellowcard-Only One

*********************************************************

Sunlight barely filtered through the open curtains of Natalia's bedroom. She stood barefoot, wrapped in a towel at the foot of her bed, staring at the two outfits she had pulled out from her closet, chewing on her right thumbnail as she debated the merits of each option. She had to be at Spaulding at 9 and she had to have breakfast ready for Olivia on the Beacon rooftop before then and while her first day with Alan was important, leaving a lasting impression on Olivia was imperative.

She studied the pencil skirt and cream button down top carefully, deciding that it was both functional and professional but the black dress said 'I'm not taking no for an answer, Olivia.' She smiled to herself, slid the towel off and dressed.

***

_What am I going to say? What should I say? should I write it down? Maybe I should at least have an idea of what to say when I get a chance to speak to her…ok _IF _I get the chance to speak to her. She might even blow me off and ignore me…_ Natalia mulled over what she would say to Olivia on the rooftop the moment she saw her as she sipped some tea. _Maybe it's better not to think about it and just do it._

******************

No matter how many times she would wake up for the rest of her life, Olivia would always hate mornings. There was something unpleasant about the alarm going off right in the middle of a pleasant dream, having to make breakfast, drinking slightly bitter coffee and rushing Emma off to school that always made her miss Natalia's love of a good morning. Fine, she was grateful to be able to see them and it was because of Natalia that she could have them but the irritating buzz buzz buzz of the alarm clock always managed to piss her off.

She brushed her teeth, repeatedly calling Emma with a mouthful of toothpaste foam, her mind reeling from the dream she had been rudely awakened from. It was a wildly inappropriate dream to be having about Natalia considering their current situation but it was a _great_ dream. _It felt very real…which it shouldn't have considering…_ She smiled involuntarily at her reflection before splashing water on her face, reaching for her towel and heading out to find something to wear.

*************************

Natalia had grown accustomed to sneaking into The Beacon early in the morning. She always felt like a secret agent as she rounded the corner into the delivery area and towards the freighter elevator. She would talk to Henry in the kitchen first to arrange the breakfast, the meal already planned out in her head before heading to Olivia's office to leave the note asking her to come up to the rooftop. She checked her purse to make sure the note was there, her heartbeat picking up a bit in anticipation. She knew it was a huge risk and that she was setting herself up for the possibility of disaster but she just couldn't give up. She knew this was more a mea culpa than please take me back but she wanted Olivia to know how sorry she was for leaving the way she did, she just wasn't sorry that she loved her. _That's what's important. She has to know that I love her and nothing stopped that, that didn't change and I'm sorry that I do._ She squared her shoulders as the elevator stopped on her floor. _This is going to work._

**************************

Olivia yawned as she slid her feet into her pumps, watching the news. Her stomach rumbled angrily as she took a sip of coffee. _I know I have to have breakfast. I practically shoved Emma's down her throat this morning…_ She squinted at her stomach, finishing the rest of the coffee before stretching languidly in preparation for yet another long and boring day of work.

**************************

Natalia put the finishing touches of the breakfast spread, a small smile dancing across her lips. She carefully covered the table with a sheet before checking her time. Taking the note, Natalia made her way to the access door to complete the rest of her task.

She was surprised to find Olivia's office empty. Maybe she had gotten used to seeing her working, trying diligently to ignore her or avoid her altogether. She grabbed a yellow mailer envelope and slipped her note inside, leaving it on Olivia's desk in a way that was certain to get Olivia's attention once she came in. She exhaled and made a silent prayer for something good to come from this.

*****************************

Olivia strolled into her office fifteen minutes after Natalia left and for a moment, she thought her mind was playing tricks on her; her scent hung in the room delicately filling the corners and Olivia's lungs. _Stop it, you're making yourself crazy._ Olivia spied the envelope on her desk and glancing around the office as if someone in there put it on her desk, crossed the floor towards it, taking it gingerly in her hands. Much to her surprise it wasn't sealed. She peered inside and pulled out the white sheet, big black lettering across it.

**COME TO ROOF. **

**VERY IMPORTANT.**

Olivia blinked for a moment at the note before turning and looking for Kyra. She felt like an amateur detective, looking for clues and she was growing increasingly frustrated with the lack of answers from people. She made a face and headed towards the elevator, determined to find out who had left her the invitation even though she already had a good idea as to who had left it.

****************************

Natalia paced nervously around the rooftop, watching the sun slowly creeping higher into the sky. _She HAD to have gotten the note by now. Knowing Olivia, she's probably demanding to know who wanted her on the rooftop. _She bit her bottom lip, brushing her hair back behind her ear as she heard the sound of the access door open and Olivia stepped out. Natalia's heart stopped at the sight of her clad in a deep brown dress and heels, her fingers threaded in worry as she caught sight of the breakfast spread. The corners of her mouth tugged into a small smile. _We're dressed like this was planned._ Natalia watched as Olivia stood silently at the table, her head bowed as she looked at the mini breakfast buffet before her. Natalia took a deep breath and stepped out from behind a large ventilation duct.

"Hi…" she said, that same small smile still on her lips. Natalia's heart stuttered as Olivia turned around on her heel, caught off guard. "See, I know two things about you. One, that you never make time to have breakfast at home and two that you really love to eat outside." Natalia smiled again, her eyes darting from Olivia's gaze to her lips and back again. "Here you go…" she added, blushing as Olivia tried unsuccessfully to hide her smile.

Olivia's head cocked to the side and she sucked in her right cheek as she eyed Natalia, the confident sexy smile permanently stapled to her mouth. _She really is beautiful._ "Think breakfast is going to charm me?"

"No…but I can tell you're a little charmed…" Natalia teased, pointing at the smirk on Olivia's face.

"Just a little…" Olivia muttered, blushing. _You shouldn't have done this, you're making it worse for me and on top of it, you took the best chairs and table from the dining room. _

"What would you like?" Natalia asked, bolding reaching between them, taking Olivia's folded hands and pulling her towards the small table. She tried to hide her displeasure when Olivia worked her hand out of her grip, her back still towards her. "Would you like grapefruit or orange juice?"

Olivia took a deep breath, stopped leaning against her chair and turned to face Natalia as she continued playing romantic apologetic hostess. "Aren't you starting a new job today?"

_Way to kill the mood, Olivia._ "Yes but Spaulding offices don't open til 10. So I've got like, two hours." Natalia replied nonplussed by Olivia's sudden change. "Would you like to sit?" Natalia's hospitality deflated slightly with Olivia's barely noticeable nod of no. "Ok…" Natalia swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. _Seriously this is not easy. This is actually much harder than I thought it ever could be. Why does she keep saying no when she's really fighting saying yes? What would be so hard about saying yes to me? _"I did wanna maybe take a walk around the building and then go to the west side cause I know that there's that beautiful view of the lake…"

"You gotta stop. Please. Please. We can't go back."

"I don't wanna go back. I wanna go forward."

"That's what I'm trying to do. Honey. Its not gonna happen. I can't let it."

"I know you feel that way now. But you're gonna change your mind."

Olivia looked down at her hands as she braced them on the back of the chair. "Natalia…"

"I know it's probably going to take a while. I know that cause I am hearing what you're saying I am but I can wait. I can wait a really long time I'm patient. It's not like we haven't waited before. We waited forever to be honest with each other. We waited for Frank and Rafe to be okay. You waited for me to come back…" Natalia watched Olivia intently, her eyes still locked firmly on her face as Olivia turned her head, her eyes glassy with tears. "I took a little too long and I'm sorry. I really regret that. I know I hurt you but we love each other and we can work it out. I just…I have to stick through it and I will." Natalia gave Olivia a tightlipped smile, her dimples embedding themselves into her cheeks. She saw the ice that had been forming around Olivia's heart and eyes thawing just slightly. "So. I'm gonna leave you and let you have your breakfast. I'm gonna get ready and go to my new job...Eat because I have some raspberry preserves here and I know that they're your favorite." Natalia squeezed Olivia's hand again before leaving Olivia alone on the rooftop with her breakfast.

Natalia let out a sigh of relief as she made her way towards the access door, happy that Olivia hadn't dismissed her or left the rooftop altogether. _She's right. The way to her heart is through her stomach._ She hoped that Olivia would sit and think about what she had said; she meant it, every word came from her heart. She was glad that she hadn't practiced anything and was even more excited that she was finding flaws in Olivia's defenses, chipping away at them slowly but surely, taking in the sight of Olivia standing there defenseless and waiting for her. _She did wait. Even if she didn't want to and even if it was agony, she waited._ Natalia thanked her former co-workers on their diligence and headed towards the elevator, a smile etched onto her features.

****

Olivia sat for a moment, listening to the sounds of construction on the south end of the building. That had been a headache to arrange and she was glad that Josh's company had been willing to do it but it just reminded her of the fact that that was one of Natalia's last projects with her. She poured herself a glass of grapefruit juice and smirked at the karafe; Natalia told Henry that it was for a very important meeting, which explained why some of the best picks of the morning were sitting there on the table. _She's going the extra mile for you, Ollie. What're you doing? Making her work harder for something she already has…Keeping my heart safe. I'm making sure I don't get hurt again. I'm wiser. I'm always wise after heartbreak but I've never had my heart…shatter like this._ She sighed and finished the glass of juice before packing up the rest of the table and bringing it down to her room. She called Henry and asked that he bring the table and chairs back down to the dining room. _No sense in wasting a perfectly good breakfast. _

********************************

Natalia stared at her computer screen for more than two hours, upset that time was ticking so slowly. She hadn't received a message from Olivia and while that wasn't a surprise it was still a little hurtful considering all she had done for Olivia this morning. She frowned as she decided to look busy, opened up her web browser, typed in The Beacon's web address and read Olivia's biography. She knew it line for line, having done the copy for it once the deal with Galaxy had gone through but she loved the photo that was there. The photo of Olivia Spencer, hotelier in front of a deep mahogany wall her hair swept around her shoulders, a brilliant confident smile on her face, always managed to make her smile. She blushed as she remembered the day they were doing that photo shoot.

Olivia was fussy all morning as she tried on suit after suit, complaining that they all looked exactly the same and that she was probably going to look like she was running for office instead of running the hotel. She pouted and made faces as Natalia pulled together the outfit that met Olivia's standards and ultimately became the outfit she wore in the photo. She remembered how Olivia bumped her with her shoulder, a smirk on her face and said "I guess you're turning out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me after all…" The only thing that was foggy about that memory was whether it was before she realized she was attracted to Olivia or after; if it was when she was hiding her feelings by spending more time with Frank or if it was when she decided she would let Olivia come to her and kiss her again or if it was when they had officially decided they were a team, Frank or no Frank. She was bothered by the fact that she couldn't remember that tiny fact. She contemplated it for another moment before she remembered she was at work and clicked out of the website, her brows knit in thought. _For all I know, I've always loved her and just didn't have a word for it until the wedding was called off._

*****************

Olivia had had enough of the office, having already finished up most of what needed to be done in almost no time. She craved something sweet and wanted to get herself out of the nearly suffocating four walls of the hotel and decided she earned herself a trip somewhere the hell else.

She made a face at the sight of Frank storming from the register towards the beer fridge and back again, another six pack of beer in his hand. "Frank…you're babysitting your grandkid, don't you wanna set a better example…?"

"Knock it off Olivia." Frank grumbled, putting the case on the counter. "I'm really having a crappy day and I don't need any lip from you."

"No really I was trying to be funny…"

"Stuff it."

"Ooookayyy."

"How much?" Frank barked at the girl at the register.

Olivia moved around Frank the way one would move around a landmine and headed towards the coffee. "Cup of coffee?"

"Olivia…"

"No no, it wasn't a judgment. I was just pouring myself a cup and I wanted to know if you wanted any. And you know what a muffin, well…it's a muffin and the one that's left is really good here." Olivia rambled, pouring herself the tall cup of coffee while eyeing the pastry. She took a few packets of sugar, shaking them absently before dumping it into the cup.

"You know believe it or not this actually has nothing to do with you or Natalia okay but Marina and Mallet are breaking up." Frank said evenly, moving closer to Olivia.

"I'm sorry I had no idea…" Olivia replied.

"Yeah it came out of nowhere."

"Frank, I'm sorry…I thought they were happy."

"So did I." Frank reached over and grabbed his cup. "Thanks." he grunted going to pick up his beers before heading out.

_He's a good guy…_Olivia reminded herself, picking up a plastic lid for her cup of coffee and locking it on. She picked up the glass lid for the pastries and grabbing the last muffin.

************************************

Olivia could not believe her luck today. First she had been blindsided by Natalia and her breakfast, then Frank and his attitude now all she really needed was for Alan to find some sort of fault in Natalia's work ethic or a piece of ceiling to land on her head. The elevator door slid back and she was geninuely surprised to see Blake and Holly standing in the hallway, exiting Holly's room.

"Oh Holly!" Olivia greeted, immediately grabbing her old friend into a hug. "Oh my gosh."

"Hello Olivia." Holly replied.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh well, I came here because my little girl called me." Holly replied, pulling Blake into a one armed hug.

"Well, I needed my mommy." Blake quipped with a shrug.

"you have seldom if ever needed your mom." Holly jibbed.

"See, I'm writing this book about love and passion. Actually, lost love and I got all gooey and weepy and sentimental and I needed my mother. Called her." Blake answered.

"You called your mom to talk about lost love?" Olivia asked in almost disbelief.

"Well you know we're all on the same wavelength because I went to see Ed today…" Holly said to Blake, her arms folded across her chest.

"You did?" Blake asked, almost forgetting Olivia was still standing in the hallway with them.

"Ed. Ed Bauer?" Olivia gaped.

"She was married to Ed. One of her many loves."

Holly rolled her eyes and head back, letting out a heavy sigh as Blake spoke. "Yes, from way back…"

"Course then again, daddy that was…you were madly in love with daddy. I spent my entire life watching that turmoil, didn't I?" said Blake. "It's okay, Olivia can know all about this, she's in the middle of a love life turmoil herself."

Olivia blinked. "Th…that's true." she stammered with a nod.

"Why don't you join us for lunch? Tell me all about it." Holly offered.

"Yeah." Blake agreed, an expectant smile on her face.

"We can do it here, order room service, my treat." Olivia replied, scratching the upper part of the back of her arm nervously.

"Heh, you're on." Blake said, digging in her purse for her mother's room key.

_Okay about that whole this can't get any weirder thing…it just got weirder. When was the last time I was with Holly whining about my love life? Six years ago? We holed up in a spa and just complained about pined away for the men we loved…Time flies._ Olivia follwed Blake and Holly as they entered the hotelroom, her mind ticking away the number of reasons why this wasn't as bad as it could've been.

*****************

Natalia stared at her silent cell phone, wanting to text message Olivia to see if she was willing to make an attempt at a civil lunch. _I'm pretty sure she didn't even eat breakfast, just drank some juice, nibbled on half a bagel, packed it up and headed off to something else._ She shook her head as if the idea would shake out of her mind with the action. Sighing, she pocketed the phone and gathered her files to present to Alan before a meeting he had. _At least I can look busy with this, even if my mind is focused on something entirely different._

She hated that she wasn't focused on doing a good job. She hated the fact that her head was swimming with thoughts of Olivia and what her next move would be with the obviously stubborn woman. Natalia Rivera was a woman who worked with what she had and she worked well with what little it was but when it came to Olivia, she found herself at an almost unforgiveable loss for words and actions; a paralysis that seemed to glue her to her place and remind her that she wasn't totally in control of the situation and what little control she did have, she almost always lost that to Olivia. She returned to her corner office and slumped into her seat, tossing her sandwich on the blotter on her desk. She ran her fingers through her hair, trying to shake out the frustration and see the brightside of the situation; Olivia hadn't told her flat out no, just that she wanted to move forward and her answer seemed to infer that moving forward also included Natalia. A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. _She does want me around. It's only a matter of time then. She knows we belong together…which is funny considering how badly we couldn't stand each other. That's what they mean by opposites attract._

*****************

Olivia found it strange to be sitting a room bonding with two women that seemed to share a bizarre interest in drudging up the past to understand the future. Sure, she was comfortable with Holly, they had a history together, as for Blake, considering the role she played in Olivia's inability to find Natalia, she was rather impressed with her ability to not throw something at the redhead.

Olivia weighed the pros and cons of spending her afternoon with the obviously lovelorn mother daughter team; she didn't like to think that she was just as messed up as they seemed to be about the shape of their respective love lives. She sat on the edge of the bed, her back completely straight listening to Holly as paced around the room, offering her advice. She felt and looked like a school girl being lectured.

"Well one thing I have learned as time goes on," Holly said, sitting near Blake with some flourish onto the plush chair. "is sometimes you just have to let it go. I mean, relationships are good, they're bad but when they're over, you've got to move on. It's like you let yourself become whoever it is you're going to be next."

Olivia sat still, watching as Blake nodded her understanding.

"Then of course, don't listen to me." Holly hastily added, gazing off. "I know I know nothing about relationships." She chuckled nonchalantly at her company.

Olivia let out a breath she hadn't reazlised she was holding as she thought of creative ways to avoid being remembered in the room.

"Mom…I gotta go somewhere, why don't you uhhh carry on til I get back before the food gets cold." Blake blurted out, suddenly standing up, gathering her purse and exiting the room.

"She always was a strange child." Holly quipped, watching Blake as she raced off. Olivia chuckled at the casual jibe. "Your turn." Holly pressed suddenly, leaning forward in her seat towards Olivia, catching her off guard. "So tell me about this tumultuous love affair. Do I know him?"

The question hung in the hair between them. Olivia felt her heart kick up a notch as she searched Holly's face for a glimmer of understanding. She weighed her options, debating on whether she could get away with playing the every popular pronoun game; giving enough up about her situation without giving anything away, like Natalia's name. Holly held Olivia's gaze intently, awaiting her reply. _We've known each other for a very long time and I'll lose nothing if I'm just honest. _"Her." Olivia said, a small smile on her lips. _What can I say, she still gets me._

"Her?" Holly breathed in disbelief. "Oh…oh well…So so what's turmultous about it?"

"I thought I meat the love of my life and then she left me, which seems to happen quite a bit…but then she came back. And…I was all ready to just pretend it never happened and move on but…"

"Are you still in love with her?" Holly asked, genui'nely engaged in Olivia's story.

"I've never loved anyone like this." Olivia replied, a faded smile on her face. _I feel like a teenager around her, silly and made of goo or something. _

"Oh my. It's amazing when that happens. Of course it doesn't make it any easier knowing what to do." Holly said, leaning forward on her knees. Olivia gave her a tight lipped nod. "The heart says one thing and the mind another…classic case of heartache versus headache because one wants to heal, the other wants to deal."

"I'm considered the walking wounded then…" Olivia quipped, brushing her hair back behind her head.

"What started this romance? If you don't mind my asking?"

"No, I don't mind, ask away." Olivia leaned back on the bed, bracing her weight on her palms on the bedspread, the springs squeaking under the shift in weight. "I don't know. It just…it just sort of happened…it caught us both off guard and once it was out in the open between us it…it felt good but all it did was cause problems because she's incredibly religious…she's such an amazing soul and it was just too much for her between her faith and something as…as…as _new_ and different as this I dunno I guess it scared her and she left me without a word and that's why it's been so difficult for me. I went through hell without her after the heaven of just having her around…Holly, I just can't get hurt again."

"Olivia." Holly pat Olivia's knee tenderly. "That's what it's about unfortunately. It's about getting hurt and getting back up and trying again, even if we know at some point there could be an end…"

"That's the thing, I don't think we ever started just to stop." Olivia bit her lip. "We never formally…announced it I suppose is the right way to put it. It was a secret an open secret…"

Holly nodded, leaning back into the chair again, folding her legs underneath her rear. "Who needs to formally announce something between two consenting adults?"

Olivia blushed. "When you live in a town this small and tight knit, everyone tends to know everyone's business…Not to mention, half the town is made up of my exes."

"That's not what I mean. And stop that, you sound like the village bicycle, which we both know you're not."

Olivia chuckled.

"What has she done for you…besides leaving you for whatever reason she needed to leave you…? I can imagine that she's left quite the impression on you."

Olivia blushed. "She's just been her. She was…is," Olivia suddenly felt self conscious about this revalation. "Everything to me. I had a heart transplant about a year ago and she was the only one putting up with me and trust me, I wasn't the most pleasant person at that point. I guess that's when we fell…"

"For each other?"

"In love."

"Ah." Holly nodded. "So you're in love with your total opposite."

"They attract right?"

"Naturally."

Olivia bit her lower lip again. "She's been very persistent lately. Since she got back from her retreat…"

"How so?"

"Well, she's not boiling my pet rabbit in the kitchen…she…Well…She's been trying to woo me with flowers and cookies and food…"

"You're still a sucker for a good meal. Is she wearing you down?"

"I didn't stand a chance."

"Then why are you still so lovelorn about the whole thing? This woman sounds like a perfect match for you, soulmate material even. What's the real _issue?_"

"I don't want to get hurt again."

"Nobody does Olivia. Why do you think they call it _falling_ in love? You fall, you get hurt, you dust yourself off and try again. You learn from the mistakes and you work on it."

Olivia shook her head as if trying to shake the logic in Holly's words. "It's no that simple. I'm done getting hurt. I want to be strong not just for myself but for Emma, I don't want her to think you _need_ to have someone with you at all times just to live. I don't want her to think it's okay to…"

"Olivia, you're making excuses. You're going around in circles. Answer my question, what has she done to make you feel special?"

Olivia flashed a roguish grin. "This morning she had breakfast set up on the roof of the Beacon. She had my favorite things out."

Holly smiled. "You have a smile a mile wide, she's doing everything to atone and you're the one being stubborn?"

"I'm not being stubborn! I'm being cautious."

"Throw caution to the wind, Olivia. It sounds as if you have someone whose willing to endure the slings and arrows of the legendarily unattainable Olivia Spencer and male or female, those are extraordinary traits."

Olivia narrowed her eyes at Holly. "Think you know it all?"

"Honey, I've been where you are and I don't want you to let someone who could be your greatest love slip away because you're afraid of the unknown. Just trust that it won't end badly and it'll be the greatest thing you've ever done. Asides from your kids of course."

Olivia was warmed by this advice. There was no judging or questions about the technicalities that arise in relationships like these; Holly just approached the situation the way a friend would, regardless of who was involved. A lopsided smile appeared on Olivia's face. "I'm really glad that you're here…"

"So am I." Holly replied, returning the smile. She slid from the chair in an easy motion and gave Olivia a tight hug. "You know as much as I do that you deserve happiness. We can't always wallow in our wounded heroine state forever, as sexy as it can be."

**************************

Natalia finished her first day at Spaulding the same way she started it; thinking about Olivia. She said good night to her co-workers, many of whom she was already familiar with and said good night to Alan, who blinked once or twice at the act of kindness. _Maybe people just don't say anything to Alan unless it's business related._ He returned the act in kind and Natalia was off.

She debated whether she should stop by the Beacon but decided against it, knowing that Olivia would probably not be as accomodating this evening as she was this morning. _Her eyes were saying yes._ Natalia reminded herself as she drove towards Company to pick up dinner.

_I know it's going to take more than food and flowers to get Olivia back on my side but I don't know what else to do. I tried logic and she's very good at ignoring that altogether. Her eyes though. She wanted to stay. She wanted me to stay. How long is she going to fight this?_

***************************

Olivia let Emma spend a night with Philip and Lizzie, the rationale being that it would give her time alone to think but all she did was sit and stare at old photos from the farmhouse. She paused at one photo, the one Emma had taken with her camera of herself and Natalia in the back of the house filling the bird feeder. Natalia was resting her back against the tree, Olivia next to her, making faces at the camera. Even with her mouth open and a goofy expression on her face, Natalia still managed to look beautiful. She chuckled to herself and thought about Holly's advice and Lillian's comments. They were both right; all this waiting was wasting valuable time between them but Olivia felt was right in protecting her heart. She was making sure that she wasn't hurt again and the only way to keep herself from being hurt was to keep away from the thing that hurt. Natalia was the bright flame in Olivia's life and despite her best efforts, Olivia herself was the moth drawn into her. All she really wanted, with every fiber of her being, was to be near the flame and get burned.

Natalia finished shut off the big lights in the house, leaving only the night lights on in their place. She hated the big creaky house creeped her out and now more than ever she missed Olivia because she knew that if she was scared, she could always convince her to stay on the phone with her until she fell asleep. She missed her in person because she could've convinced her to stay up in the living room with her, drinking tea or wine and talking. She decided that tomorrow was another day and her optimism wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, detractors or not.

**********************

Olivia rolled onto her side, punching her pillow into a fluffier shape in frustration. She glared at her cell phone as it sat defenseless on the night table next to the New Years' Eve photo. She wanted to call Natalia, her iron will slowly being worked into aluminum foil; easily moldable, foldable, bent and discarded. She wanted to hear her voice, the resolve, the sheer stubborness and determination coated Natalia's already rich voice like honey and made Olivia feel just a little bit weaker at the knees.

Olivia let out a heavy sigh and rolled onto her back, staring up at the shadowy ceiling, watching the way the blue light from the TV danced above her. She thought about the night she agreed to meet Natalia for dinner and how she vented her frustration right then and there. _I think I was still hung over. That's the only reason I went so willingly. No it's not, I'm kidding myself. I went because I wanted to. I needed to see her. Sleeping on the porch was just a bonus._ She let out another lung draining sigh and closed her eyes. _Great._

All she could think about now was how Natalia's felt pressed against hers on the bench. She could smell her hair, felt her skin underneath her fingertips, could hear her heartbeat in her ear. She imagined the way Natalia felt in bed the day she called her to ask her to come over. _Before she decided to leave me._ She could feel the way Natalia buried her face into the crook of her neck innocently as she slept, the light tickle from when she breathed on her skin. She remembered leaving feather light kisses on her eyelids and cheeks, testing her personal boundaries and tasting the soft skin that was pressed so intimately against her own. She pressed her palms against her face, squeezing her eyes tightly in a vain attempt to chase away the thoughts. _I can't want her like that anymore. I can't. We can be friends because that's all she'll let me be to her. That's all I'll let myself be to her._ _But I don't want that. _

Olivia finally fell into a fitful sleep filled with dozens of dreams about Natalia.

She could hear the phone ringing somewhere in the distance and the sound of it startled her but not enough to stop what she was doing. Olivia smirked before ducking her head in to steal another kiss from a distracted Natalia. She shot Olivia a dirty look before grabbing a nearby pillow and thwaking Olivia in the face with it, effectively wiping the smirk from her face. The pillow disappeared and Natalia found herself buried underneath the covers of her bedspread, her head resting on the bend of Olivia's arm.

"Do you think you're going to get that?"

"I guess."

"That's responsible."

"What? I'm very comfortable right now, I see no reason to move."

"What if I told you that was a very important call?"

"They can leave a message."

"What if I told you I was losing complete feeling in my elbow?"

"My head isn't that heavy."

"Fine. But if I get a cramp, I'm holding you responsible."

"You won't get a cramp."

"Seriously, honey, get the phone."

Natalia's eyes snapped open. She reached for her cell phone as it rang and vibrated violently on the night table. She didn't bother to look at the name or number on the screen.

"Hello?" she muttered groggily into the mouthpiece.

"Ma? Ma, I've been calling for fifteen minutes." Rafe replied.

"Rafe?!" Natalia blurted out, struggling to sit up in bed. "What time is it?"

"11."

Natalia rubbed her eyes with the backs of her hands. "What's going on? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Ma I'm fine, I should be asking you the same thing. I've been calling."

"I know, I'm sorry…I overslept." Natalia sat with her legs dangling over the edge of the bed, her toes pointed towards the floor as she swung them.

"Can I stop by?"

"Of course you can sweetie, this is your house."

"I…yeah…"

"What's going on? Rafe? Are you in trouble…?"

"No, I'm not. Listen, I'm gonna be there at noon okay? I'll explain then."

"Okay. Just be careful."

Natalia was in the kitchen when Rafe bussled in as if he had been living there longer than he had been living with Frank.

"Hey ma."

"Hey honey!" Natalia replied, pulling him into a tight hug. "How are you?"

"I'm okay." Rafe replied, blushing at his mother's over attetion. "I'm good, actually."

"Oh good. I hope you're hungry." Natalia said. "I'm glad you're home." She added, watching as Rafe grabbed their lunch plates.

"I know ma, but I can't come back." Rafe said as he slid into his seat and slid his mother's plate towards her.

"I know. It's not pressure. I understand, I'm not pressuring you. I was just saying…"

"No I can't come back. Not anymore. It's kinda what I came here to talk to you about." He said, setting the juice on the table and looking his mother in the eye. "I enlisted."

"Enlisted?"

"In the Army. According to the admissions officer I leave in two weeks."

Natalia stared at Rafe as he sat in his seat, playing with the napkin that he had wadded up into his hand. "Ma would you just eat your food it's getting cold."

"I don't understand. Are you telling me that you're going _away_?"

"Ma it's not like this just came out of nowhere. I've been thinking about it for awhile. I feel like I need some direction, I need some discipline or some focus. I wanted to be a cop and that didn't work out and with my record the only jobs available are the jobs I already have and I'm not gonna stay in the back of a hardware store for the rest of my life."

"You know what your problem is?!" Natalia interjected. "Your problem is you are impatient. Something will happen for you eventually."

"Mom, that's the thing. I don't want to wait. I want it to happen now. Why is this such a bad thing? I mean I can do it get back, come back out and even go back to school."

"When did you decide this and _why_ didn't you talk to me about it?"

"Ma, you weren't here for me to talk to you about it."

"Who did you talk to?" Natalia fired back incredulously.

"Nobody! I'm a grown man alright? I can do whatever I want. I made this decision on my own."

"Alright then go ahead and _un_make it because you're not going."

"Mom."

"No."

"Come on. Look, I already signed the paperwork…"

"I don't care about what you're _signing_ I'm your mother I should have to sign something. You're too young." Natalia snapped, clutching the toast she had plucked out of the toaster.

"Mom. Mom. I'm 18 years old. I sign everything now. Not you. "

Natalia let his words sink in. She stared at an invisible stain on the tabletop, avoiding his gaze, finding her words. "I don't think that you really understand what you're doing." She said quietly, turning to face Rafe. "Because you could get killed."

"Mom…I could get killed right here. Being a cop in Springfield. You were fine with that."

"That is _completely different_, Rafe_. _You were gonna serve and protect this sm-small town it's not the same."

"Ma, look I'm gonna serve and I'm gonna protect. I'm just not gonna be here."

"No, No. Absolutely not. Oh no no no no." Natalia replied resolutely, brushing her hair out of her face.

"Look at me…Look…" Rafe pressed.

"No."

"If you cannot respect me making my decisions, why should I respect you making yours? Right? You have to understand where I'm coming from. I'm sorry, alright?" Rafe stood up and cupped Natalia's face with his right hand, tilting her head up to give her a kiss on her forehead. He stopped midway. "Mom." He leaned forward a kissed her forehead before leaving Natalia alone in the kitchen to digest his decision. "I love you."

"I love you too…" she managed, her reply choked with emotion. Natalia brushed away tears from the corners of her eyes with her fingertips, completely at loss.

****

She couldn't think straight and was fearing a complete loss in logic as she gathered her things and left the farmhouse. As she walked to the car, her hands trembled, the keys jangling in her less than perfect grip. It took Natalia three tries to get the key into the lock and four to actually turn it before she toppled into the driver's seat, the keys tumbling from her grip to the floor of the front seat. Mumbling thinly veiled obscenities, Natalia fumbled around blindly along the floor and under her seat to find the elusive keys, her eyes stinging with fresh tears. She found the keys under the gas pedal, straightened up and slumped back _How could he just do that without speaking to anyone? He had to have spoken to Frank about what he was thinking._ She sniffled a bit and wiped at the tears that slid down her cheeks with the back of her hand. She slid the key into the ignition, determined to get answers.

She parked and paced for ten minutes, debating on how best to approach the situation. She chewed on her right thumbnail, her cell phone clutched in her left hand. She sighed and decided that the time for waiting for answers was over.

She dialed Frank.

"Cooper here." Frank answered gruffly.

"Hi Frank, it's Natalia." Natalia replied, her phone pressed to her right ear, the fingers of her left hand tapping nervously against her chin.

"Uhhh, hi are you okay?" Frank replied.

"No, not really."

"Where are you?"

"Across from the post office…"

"Okay, you stay put, I'll be right there."

They hung up the phone. Natalia wasn't sure why she had bothered to call Frank, she didn't think he would have any better an answer but it kept her from running straight for the person she wanted to run to the most.

********************************

Olivia slowed her pace at the sight of Josh as he walked the hallway towards her. "Yay! Glad I ran into you. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to say I'm sorry for the other day for jumping on you and saying let's have sex NOW...just to get over Natalia…"

Josh held up his right hand, waving off her rambling apology. "It's okay, it's fine. I haven't really thought much about it. Y'know, like the image of you with another woman. It really hasn't crossed my mind."

Olivia let out a laugh. "I shouldn't have said anything about that."

"Seriously. Seriously. I hope things work out for you and Natalia. Or don't work out. Whatever makes you happy. To be honest, that whole thing with you on top of me, that was kinda the highlight of my day. Things kinda went downhill from there."

Olivia cocked her head to the side. "Besides me wanting to use your body, there were worse things that happened?"

"Well. I ran into Reva right after that at the job site, she was crying, wearing the dress she was wearing when she married Jeffery and kinda…"

"Oh, that was the highlight."

"Yes." Josh replied grimly.

"In fact, between the two of you, I think I may have pretty much sworn off women."

"Right there with ya." Olivia replied, fidgeting with her fingers.

"Yeah."

"Anyway, thank you for understanding and I owe you." Olivia said, turning to head towards the elevators.

"Yes you do." Josh replied, causing Olivia to check her step. "And you can pay me back right now." A mischivious smile crossed Josh's face. The smile leapt from his face to Olivia's.

"What do you mean…?" Olivia asked, a hint of concern in her voice.

"It's for Bill."

"What about Bill?"

"He's trying to get Vanessa to re-marry him."

"And how has that been going?"

"Ever heard of a Syssiphean task?"

"You mean the one with the guy pushing a rock up a hill and the rock keeps coming down just as the guy gets to the top of the hill?"

"That's the one."

"Jeeze. What happened now?"

"So, we finally got Vanessa to Towers and then she said no, she would not marry Billy, something about a pillowcase over her head and that she wanted to be courted. So. Billy came up with this idea of fifty two dates. One a week for a year. But. Here's the thing. I ran into Vanessa earlier just a little while ago and she changed her mind and she wants marry Billy as soon as possible."

"Oh." Came Olivia's reply.

"So. That's the deal. They kinda you know…"

"Yeah yeah, they crossed…That happens. So. What can I do to help?"

"Well. They're about to _have_ a date. I mean like now at the gazebo on the grounds. So I was thinking if I can get the engagement rings from Billy's room and then take it there and hide it some place so Vanessa will find it _then_ Billy will be forced to pop the question and they both get what they want." Josh threaded his fingers together, satisfied with his brilliant idea.

"Wow." Olivia mused. "You are quite the matchmaker."

"Yeah and we can sing the song later." Josh remarked. "But right now I was wondering if your passkey."

"Psst." Olivia held up her passkey, a look of 'of course I do' on her face.

Olivia was glad to have something to distract her from her current situation but she felt a little foolish considering the type of distraction; a romantic set up for Billy and Vanessa. _Who knows, maybe it'll be good for me._

Natalia had already paced the concrete into a rut by the time Frank arrived. He seemed alarmed by her state.

"Hey." He said, his hands held out to catch her.

"Hi." Natalia replied as sheleaned in awkwardly for a cheek to cheek kiss.

"Are you okay?" Frank asked. "Is everything okay?"

"No, it's Rafe. He enlisted in the Army." Natalia replied, her fists balled together in frustration. Frank blinked for a moment at Natalia's statement. "So he's gonna go away and he's gonna die. He wants to go off to war and get killed. So you have to talk to him. You have to stop him."

"Whoa whoa whoa, when did he do this? When did he sign up?" Frank blurted out in surprise. "He never said a word."

"I don't know. He said he's leaving in two weeks. So you have to talk to him because he listens to you and you have make not go." Natalia said, her tone reaching near frantic levels.

"Natalia. If he's already enlisted I mean, there's nothing we can do. He's an adult now."

"No no, Frank he doesn't understand." Natalia argued in disbelief.

"He understands more than you give him credit for." Frank answered curtly, his jaw setting. "He's not a little boy anymore. You raised a young man, a _good_ man and he's able to make his own choices now."

"But I don't want him to go."

"This isn't about what you want. This is about what Rafe wants now." Frank replied, his voice low. "You have to trust that he's made the right decision."

Natalia blinked at Frank for a moment, watching the way the muscles in his jaw twitched with tention. _I don't know what I was thinking when I called him._ _I was hoping that he would be the voice of reason that he would talk to Rafe._ "You don't think it's dangerous? Aren't you a little concerned?"

"Well of course I am Natalia but he's an adult and he can make his own decisions. I know you're worried but…you have to trust that he'll be okay." Frank rubbed Natalia's shoulders gently.

"Can't you…do something? Talk to him at least…"

"Supporting his decision is all I can do Natalia. It's all you can do." He gave her a tight lipped smile. "I'm sorry."

Natalia nodded absently, shrugging out from underneath Frank's grasp. "Thank you." She managed to say before turning on her heel and walking back to her car. She decided that she would go to The Beacon. _Maybe I'll get a better answer there._

***************************************

It was stunning outside as Josh and Olivia worked on the gazebo, dressing up the table and setting up the chairs in the center. Olivia was grateful for the distraction but the act of making sure the details were absolutely perfect only reminded her of the work Natalia had to have put in for her breakfast the day before. She swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. _Don't get sentimental._

"Wow. Look at you!" she exclaimed watching Josh as he to figure out where best to hide the ring.

"Well we Lewis men are full of surprises."

"Seems like that." Olivia replied with an impressed nod. "So the ring…"

"I don't know." Josh answered, scanning the table for a place to hide the rings. "Uhm…"

"OOO the glass. Drop it in the glass." Olivia offered enthusiastically.

"Oh that's a lovely idea. But. What if she drinks from the glass and swallows the ring or worse, what if Billy sits here and you know he doesn't look at anything he eats and drinks, he'll just throw it down and the ring will be gone forever." Josh answered.

Olivia blinked at Josh for a moment. "Okay. Well you know what we'll do? We just take one of these flowers and we put it on her plate and then she knows to sit there." Olivia placed the rose on the plate and stepped back to admire her handiwork.

"You're really good at this you know." Josh said, giving Olivia the side eye.

"I know what women want." Olivia replied cheekily. "So what now?"

"Well. First we drop the ring." Josh dropped the ring into the pink lemonade, the jewlery clinking against the glass. "Then we hide and we wait." He smiled.

"What?"

"You wanna watch, don't you?" Josh asked, a satisfied smile on his face.

"Well I do, I didn't think you would." Olivia beamed. "Like I said. Lewis men. Full of surprises." He

grinned and headed off, Olivia leading the way to hide in the bushes in the hopes of making the afternoon something to remember.

**********************

Natalia found herself at wits end. She didn't want to go to The Beacon, despite the almost automatic way she drove towards it. She decided to veer off and away from the building instead driving across towards the market. She needed to clear her head before she spoke to Olivia.

She sat outside, sniffling on the bench, the top of The Beacon visible over the smaller buildings that surrounded it. She wondered if Olivia could see her outside of them, lurking and debating whether or not she could come over and ask for a shoulder to lean on. She hated the fact that she was so close and so far with Olivia and hated the fact that Rafe was doing something that so obviously put him in danger. _Everything I wanted to happen, hasn't and it only seems to get worse._ Natalia's eyes began to water and she found herself crying quietly on the bench. She sniffled again as Remy exited the store, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. Natalia's hands immediately flew up to wipe at her eyes, sniffling as she did it.

"Natalia…?" Remy asked, pausing mid-step to gaze at the woman seated at the bench.

Natalia looked up with watery eyes. "Hi Remy…"

"Are you alright…?" he asked with concern, moving closer towards Natalia.

"Oh yeah mhm. I'm fine. I'm good." Natalia replied attempting to wave Remy off.

"You don't look so good. Do you mind if I sit with you for awhile…?" Remy offered, nudging Natalia over on the bench. She slid over, still wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

"Don't you have somewhere to go?" she asked, glancing over to her left, noticing the flowers in his hand.

"Yeah, I…the wife's mad and I just thought I'd get some flowers." Remy replied, looking at the flowers as if seeing them for the first time.

Another sob wretched from Natalia's throat. She wasn't sure if it was the distress over Rafe's decision or the fact that flowers were the first thing she thought of when trying to make up with Olivia. "Awwww, that's really nice. She's gonna love them. They're so pretty." Her face scrunched up as she leaned towards Remy and buried her congested nose into the bouquet.

"Uh. Okay. Natalia?" Remy said cautiously. "I know you. I know that this is more than just…"

"Rafe enlisted." Natalia blurted out, sniffling. Remy blinked in shock. "Yeah. I'm trying to really grasp it but I'm really _really_ scared." Her face scrunched up again and she felt self conscious about crying in public.

"Wow. That's a really big move." Remy replied, still watching Natalia as she tried to make herself a little more presentable. "I get it though."

Natalia sniffed. "You do?"

"Yeah. Yeah. When I was his age I thought about joining up all the time. You wanna prove to yourself that you're brave and strong. It's a guy thing we have, this need to protect…"

"Isn't there some other way he can do it?" Natalia pleaded.

"Yeah. Yeah. But there's something about it, y'know? When you're a kid always searching for answers. There's something about the dicipline in the Army that makes sense. You know it's going to be hard but you'll be so proud of what you've done."

Natalia thought about it for a moment. "That's why he said he wanted to serve."

"That's good…" Remy whispered. Natalia felt a fresh wave of tears coming on. She closed her eyes in an attempt to fight them back. "That's something to be proud of."

Natalia let out a shakey exalation of air. "Okay." she whispered. "Thanks." She pat the back of Remy's hand.

"I better get going before the wife changes the locks on the doors." Remy quipped, standing up. "It's happened before. Feel better."

"Oh…thank you." Natalia gave him a small smile as he nodded and headed back towards Company, flowers in hand.

Natalia brushed at her cheeks with the backs of her hands, composing herself. It was nice to have Remy and Frank's 'advice' but theirs were decidedly biased; they had no idea the fears that were taking hold of her. She sniffled again and leaned back into the bench, her gaze cast on the Beacon. She stood up, rubbed her palms against the thighs of her black skirt and crossed towards the building.

*******************************

Josh poked his head out from behind the tree, his shades on, watching his brother and Vanessa as they sat for their lunch. Olivia stood on her tip toes trying to see over his broad shoulder. She tapped his shoulder animatedly.

"I can't see."

Josh whirled on Olivia. "Will you stop, they'll hear you."

"Well I can't see." Olivia countered. "Shh. Shh." She mimicked Josh's tone with mock condesention. He curled his lip in mock distaste before turning his attention back to Billy and Vanessa.

Olivia's mind was in overdrive. She wondered if she could do something like this for Natalia or if Natalia would do something like this for her. _That's dangerous thinking_ She rested her chin on Josh's shoulder asshe watched Vanessa fishing out the ring from the champaign flute and smiled as Billy slid the ring onto her finger. Josh glanced over his shoulder. _Did a good thing today._

***

Josh and Olivia had parted ways, smiles all around. Her phone vibrated in her purse and looked at the screen_. _A text message had come in from Natalia and she felt her heart skip. She apologized to Josh and made her way back to The Beacon, her phone clutched in her right hand.

She leaned against the back wall of the elevator, her eyes watching the digital numbers as they slid up towards her floor. _I miss her. I shouldn't but I do and I miss her and I think of her and I wouldn't even know what to do to make it better. I doubt a gazebo picnic would even make a dent in the wall. That's not stopping her is it?_ She rolled her head around on her shoulders, shaking away some of the icy chill and stress that threatened to take over her body.

The elevator stopped on her floor, the door sliding back to reveal a heartstopping sight; Natalia on the floor, propped up against the door to the apartment.

"Natalia…" she cleared the distance between them in four quick strides and was crouching near Natalia in an instant. "Wha…"

Natalia automatically put up her left hand, grasping Olivia's right hand. "It's not me. It's Rafe."

Olivia's hammering heart steadied as she brushed back a lock of her hair. "Okay. What happened?"

"He joined the Army and he's going to go away." Natalia replied, her voice childlike. "I can't stop him cause he's old enough to go and I'm supposed to be letting him make his own decisions but I'm so scared." She adjusted her sitting position, holding Olivia's intense gaze. "I'm not asking you to fix it, I'm just asking you…I…I really need someone." She swallowed her pride. "I really need you."

Olivia studied Natalia intently, hoping she was successful in hiding the war going on in her head. _Just grab her and tell her what she wants to hear. No you can't. Don't do that. You're just her friend now. That's it._ _But look at her. She's hurting._

"I feel really alone and I feel really helpless and I need you to…to…hold me and lie to me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. And I need you to look into my eyes and tell me that I've been a good mom." Natalia continued, her tone pleading and her eyes begging.

Olivia kept her face stone still. _Done. I'll do whatever you ask of me._

"Just…" Natalia slipped her hand ontop of Olivia's threaded fingers. "I need you." she whispered, watching Olivia's eyes drop to look at the way Natalia's right hand sat posessively onto her locked hands.

Olivia instictively held Natalia's hand in her own, lifting her eyes to catch Natalia's gaze. She had almost forgotten how soft and warm her skin felt. "Sweetie. I can't even imagine what you're going through and I want to help you, I really do. Oh God…I want to…" she muttered to herself, avoiding Natalia's intense gaze and looking down at their hands. "But, if you need me to write a letter for someone, to a Congressman I can call a Congressman…" Natalia pulled her hand out of Olivia's grip. "I can give you money for the plane. I can uhmm" _Stop lying to you and give us both what we want._ "I can do a lot of things for you, but I can't, I can't hold you and I can't stroke your hair and I can't tell you that I love you because you need me now but what if something goes wrong and you leave me again…?"

"No…" Natalia whined, smearing her tears from her face with her fingers.

"I would do anything in the world for you. As a friend." _There I said it. I hate this._ Olivia swallowed hard, watching Natalia's demeanor change as subtly as her own had. "I would do anything. For you. As a friend." She felt deep fractures forming in her heart the longer she looked at Natalia and spoke. "I would do anything for you but I can't. I can't do anything more than that, okay? I can't. I can't do anything more for you than that." The lump in her throat cut off any other things she wanted to stay. She studied Natalia's profile as she leaned against the frame of the apartment, staring off into space, her eyes rimmed red and cheeks wet with tears.

Natalia shifted her position and blinked a few times, re-focusing her eyes. She cleared her throat and hazarded a glance towards Olivia who was still crouched next to her by the door, her sea green eyes glassy with tears she wouldn't shed. _She's so damned stubborn._ She nodded absently and sniffled as she stood up on shaky legs. She resisted the childish urge to shove Olivia and tip her flat onto her back. She wiped at her cheeks again, making sure they were dry as Olivia straightened up and slid her hands into her pockets. "I'm sorry I bothered you." Natalia said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm sorry I can't do more for you…" Olivia apologized, brushing back a lock of her hair. Her hand leapt back from Natalia's reach as if she had touched fire.

"I'm gonna go." Natalia said flatly, walking off.

Olivia waited fifteen minutes in the hallway before pressing for the elevator and going onto the grounds. She wanted to be left alone until she heard Josh call out for her. He jogged alongside her for a moment.

"Whoa whoa, wait a minute."

"Hey." Olivia greeted.

"Too bad you had to go because I talked to Billy and he's very happy." Josh beamed. "Everything worked out great. We did a good thing today."

"Good."

"So thank you. We're good friends."

"Well, I wanna be…I wanna be a good friend." Olivia replied, half-heartedly.

"You okay?"

"Not so much." Olivia replied, hating being so transparent.

"Something you wanna talk about?" Josh asked.

"Not so much. But you are a good friend too." She reached up and squeezed his right shoulder. He in turn slung his arm around Olivia and pulled her close. They walked along with their arms looped around each other's shoulders.

**************************

Natalia lit a candle and watched the little flame flutter on the wick. "Okay. I'm trying. I'm really trying to understand and to make it through this next challenge. But this one is not about me. It's about my son. I just…I don't know how to let him go. What if something happens to him? What if he gets hurt? Or he doesn't come back? I can't. It's just too much. I can't even. It's too much to ask of a mother." Natalia took a deep breath. "He's a grown man and I can't stop him and he wants to make his own decisions but I'm scared that I haven't taught him enough because I feel like there hasn't been enough time. So. If he's gonna go and I can't be with him, please, please promise to watch over him every day and to teach him all the things that I didn't. And to keep him safe. Amen."

Olivia didn't think it was possible for her to cry herself to sleep the way she had. It seemed like it was the first time she had done it since Natalia left; same tears, new reason. She woke up two hours after she remembered climbing into bed and felt a wet spot on the pillow near her cheek. She grimaced and pulled the same pillow over her face, stifling the string of curses that came out at a mile a minute. She felt like a terrible person having looked into Natalia's eyes the way she wanted to and telling her what SHE _needed_ to say. She growled into the pillow before pulling it off her face and staring up at the ceiling. _I only wanted to do what I thought was right and instead all I did was remind myself that I love her and she loves me and…_ She sighed and double checked her cell phone messages, Natalia's the most recent one.

_From Natalia- I need you. I'm at The Beacon._

She closed her eyes and tried to chase the image of Natalia's face from her mind. All she could see was her big brown eyes, her tear streaked face and the helplessness. _Great. My first girlfriend and I'm a sucker for a damsel in distress._ She groaned and put the phone on the nightstand, staring at the framed photo. "OH shut up." She grumbled, rolling out of bed to change and go for a mind clearing run.

***********************

The park seemed to be a blur on her right and left side as she jogged, her mind autimatically feeling clearer than it had been in awhile. As she jooogged she saw Matt sitting on the bench, slouched and eating from a can of Pringles. Olivia slowed her pace down, a smirk on her face.

"C'mon! I'll race ya to the bridge!" she hopped from foot to foot, keeping her pace as she spoke.

"If you wanna race to the Mini Mart for ice cream, you're on." Matt replied, waggling the can of Pringles at Olivia, who declined the offer before sticking his hand into the can and pulling out chips.

"Whoa. What happened to Mr. Healthy and his bicycle?" Olivia asked, her hopping slowing down.

"Not in a bicycle kinda mood right now." He chewed his chips thoughtfully.

"Oh. Okay." Olivia cooled off and sat down on the bench next to Matt. He held out the can again. "No, thank you. What's wrong?" She watched as he fished out another batch of chips. "C'mon you always talk to me when I'm feeling crappy."

"My ex-wife just told me that she's marrying her ex-husband, Billy." Matt replied glumly.

Olivia let out an oh sound while catching her breath. "Yeah, no, I heard." she said with a nod. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well it's not like I didn't see it coming. I'm the one who messed up, so uh…" he shrugged and fidgeted with the can of Pringles.

"Oh. Well…I mean…not that this is…anyway. I've been there, done that."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Well I'm okay you know? You just caught me in one of my moments." Matt gave Olivia a tightlipped smile.

"Well I'm glad we got a chance to talk."

Matt chuckled. "Well, I think I'm gonna go for a ride on my bike." He pat Olivia' on the thigh before walking off.

Olivia leaned back against the bench, clutching her phone between her palms as she watched Matt walk off. _No good dead goes unpunished I suppose._ Her phone ran suddenly, eliminating any other thoughts she had about the part she played in Matt's misery. She swallowed hard; it was Natalia. "Hello." Olivia answered as cheerily as possible.

Natalia's back stiffened as she sat on the couch in the farmhouse, her right hand buried in a pile of laundry. "Hi." she managed to hide her surprise.

"Hi. How are ya?" Olivia replied, shifting around on the bench.

"Uhhhh, I'm better." Natalia answered, pulling a pink shirt out of the basket with one hand before putting it on her lap to fold. "Kind of you know? Calmer anyway."

"Look, you have every right to be upset. You son enlisted, it's a big deal."

"I know. I'm trying not to dwell on it though. So." Natalia took a deep breath and let her words out in the gust of air she exhaled. "I'm actually trying to tackle a more immediate problem."

"What's that?"

"Uhm, shopping. I need to get more business appropriate clothes for work…"

"Well, you should get out there. There some great sales happening."

Natalia waited a moment before going in for the kill. "I was wondering if maybe you would come with me. You know, we could go shopping…maybe stop for some ice cream or something." Natalia's face scrunched up in worry; she felt stupid asking for a favor from Olivia.

"Oh." Olivia answered, searching the ground for an answer.

"It's what friends do." Natalia offered nervously, her fingertips near her mouth. "Right? Shop and eat?"

"Uhhh well yeah I suppose." Olivia's left hand pressed against her face.

"I need a second opinion anyway you know cause I've never had to buy a whole new wardrobe before…"

"Yeah." Olivia leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. She let out two quick gasps before answering. "Okay. You know, why not. Let's…we'll do that."

"Really?!" Natalia sprang up from the couch, a smile brightening her face. "Okay, great!"

"Yeah I can't let you go to the office wearing crappy clothes."

"Yeah and you have much better taste in clothes than me anywa." Natalia replied, her cheeks pinking in embarrassment, a smile on her face.

"That is so true."

"I can pick you up in twenty minutes." Natalia replied.

"Thirty. I have to change." Olivia said quickly.

"Okay. We'll have fun…" Natalia's hand rubbed against the back of the armchair nervously. They hung up the phone, both of them fighting the urge to add I love you.

************************

Natalia wound up going back to the market to pick up something to keep her occupied before her day with Olivia. She was glad that Remy wasn't around to see her sudden change in personality. She made her way towards the back of the store with the goal of buying orange juice and was surprised to find Matt standing in front of the beer, surverying his options.

"Ooohhh that looks good." Natalia daid, nodding towards his choice of ice cream.

Matt held the carton and plastic spoon like a man who just shot down a prized buck while hunting, a smile on his face. "Well," he let the door to the fridge close, "it's either this or," he crossed towards the shelves holding liquor and picked up a bottle of tequila. "Bottle of tequila." He stared at the label for a moment, debating the question himself. Natalia stepped forward and tapped the lid to the carton of ice cream. "Uhm, I think that is the wise choice." Matt nodded and returned the tequila to the shelf. "What's the occasion?" she asked, watching Matt.

"Wallowing in self pity." He replied simply, tugging at the lid of the ice cream carton.

"Why?" Natalia asked, watching as Matt tore the protective plastic keeping him away from his ice cream.

"Welp, my ex-wife has just informed me that she is getting re-married." He dug his spoon into the ice cream.

"I'm sorry." Natalia replied.

"Ah, it's okay. It's my fault. I screwed up." he had a spoonful of ice cream.

"Did you try to fix it?"

"Welp, I didn't know I wanted to until it was too late." He held out a spoonful of ice cream towards Natalia. "Want some?"

"No thanks…" she replied. "It's never too late."

"Aw well for Vanessa and me, it is."

"I'm just, you know, trying to stick with the whole can't ever give up thing. If you find something you really want you have to keep believing in it."

Matt nodded thoughtfully, taking a look at the ice cream in his hand. "Right now the only thing I believe in is Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream." He gave Natalia a tight lipped grin.

"Mint Chocolate Chip and I have had many a late night together so, carry on." Natalia playfully joked, patting Matt on the hand before walking off to pay for her water.

"Thank you." he replied, digging into the ice cream.

*********************************

_What the hell were you thinking? Saying yes after only a few hours before you were crying your eyes out over her? Wait wait. Let's be reasonable about this for a second. We're friends, just friends, only going out on this shopping trip because we're friends and friends go out shopping and eating and hanging out, this is fine, it's normal, you can handle this. Seriously. You can. You're a tough girl, a big girl you can hang out with someone you were madly inexplicably in love with like nothing._ Olivia coached herself as she jogged to a stop by a rock, bracing her hands against it to stretch out her hamstrings. _This is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and Natalia going out on a shopping trip. It's not a date. It's not a date. _Olivia focused on streching that she didn't hear or see Josh strolling along towards her, staring at her ass.

"There is my good friend Olivia…" he drawled.

"Y'know my friends don't usually look at my ass like that." Olivia remarked, shifting her weight to the other leg, still keeping her rear jutting out. _Who says I can't have a little fun? _

"Yeah, well, we're close friends." Josh replied, taking his shades off in order to appreciate the view.

"That is so true." Olivia reached up for her sweatshirt and bunched it up into her arms. "You know, speaking of friends, I'm still trying to figure the whole thing out."

"The friend thing?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you helped me with Billy and Vanessa for instance, so that makes us good friends." Josh explained matter of factly.

"Right. Natalia y'know asked me to help her with something and I _wanna_ do it. As a friend." Olivia absently scratched at the back of her head.

"Easier said than done?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Cause I wanna be her friend it's just…you know…I'm still in love with her."

"Yeah, I feel I've experienced something like that in my life."

"Ya think?" Olivia teased.

"Yeah…and it's very difficult. I'll never stop loving Reva and I'll never stop being her friend. So sometimes the lines get…y'know…"

"A little blurry…?"

"Yeah…" Josh deadpanned.

"Okay. Well…" Olivia shook her head. "What she wants me to do is take her shopping. That should be easy, right?"

"See. Now I have this image of you and Natalia and a changing room together and that's gonna be with me all day so thank you for that." Josh remarked.

"I'm glad I could give you that." Olivia replied with a chuckle, patting the left side of Josh's face. "I'm glad I could help. See ya." She trotted off to prepare herself for her friendly duties, reminding herself that she could be friends with Natalia.

Now all she had to do was figure out what to wear.

**************************

Natalia's stomach rumbled. She remembered she had had brunch with Rafe and for some reason, that felt like lightyears away. She stopped by Company and strolled in, unaware of the random conversation between James, Daisy and Buzz.

"Oh thank goodness you're here. You just saved me from a horrible conversation." Daisy greeted thankfully.

"I did?"

"Yes."

"Good good, does that get me a free grilled cheese sandwich?" Natalia asked, feeling a little bit of Olivia's charm in her.

"No because we don't have a stove." Daisy answered apologetically. "Tuna salad?"

Natalia made a face that defined revulsion.

"Okay uh just a plain cheese sandwich, not grilled." Daisy offered, thinking she might've hit a home run with her suggestion.

"Perfect." Natalia replied blissfully. "On white bread, little extra mayo…" she grinned in appreciation, her fingers threaded together in anticipation as Daisy left to the kitchen.

"You're smiling." Buzz observered, eyeing Natalia as though she was an escaped mental patient.

"Yeah." Natalia replied, her tone still blissful as she pulled Buzz into a sideways hug. "I'm going shopping with a friend. That always makes a girl happy." she rested her head on Buzz's shoulder, the smile never leaving her face.

************************************

Olivia frowned as she raised her arm up, trying to get a good whiff of her armpit. "Great." _It's not terrible but you don't want to make that kind of impression. I mean, if I cared about making an impression. Which I don't. Because friends care about each other no matter what._ She made her way over to the mini mart, her mind still repeating the mantra _She's just a friend. You're just friends. _She made her way over to the toiletries and eyed them as Lillian walked over, an expectant expression on her face.

"I am a powder fresh kind of girl." Lillian quipped, a box of sugar in her hand.

"Oh I like that but today's more of a clinical strength kinda day." Olivia replied, leaning against the shelf, a look of guilt on her face. She swallowed her nerves down. "Natalia and I are gonna go shopping together."

"That's so nice." Lillian replied.

"Yeah."

"I'm getting sugar for Buzz because he ran out. We're making cakes because Vanessa and Billy are getting married!" Lillian said excitedly, waving the box of sugar in the air as she spoke.

"I know…" Olivia replied as enthusiastically as she could. _See that, no good deed kiddo. _

"Isn't it wonderful?"

"Yeah."

"They're just so in love, they're just _seeing_ them makes you happy, doesn't it?" Lillian continued.

"Yeah, love is a great thing." Olivia offered, trying to get Lillian to get the hint and drop the subject.

"You just don't want any sadness at a time like this…Everybody should be happy. See you later!" Lillian turned to walk the opposite way, leaving Olivia to once again analyze the message.

****

Olivia arrived at The Beacon a mess. She showered quickly, sprayed herself with perfume and dressed hastily in jeans and a white spaghetti tank top before realizing that she was entirely too casual for a trip that felt entirely too date like for her liking. She tore into her closet and pulled out a green button down top and a black overshirt. "Okay, this is just _stupid_." she barked. "It's just a couple of friends shopping." she unhooked the green top, tossing the hanger onto her bed and slipping the shirt on. "C'mon…" she looked at her reflection and caught a flicker of doubt in her own eyes. _It's not just a couple of friends shopping, Olivia, it's you and Natalia, someone you're still in love with going out together pretending that they're still not attracted to each other. Pretending they're still not in love with each other. This is not going to work. _She put her hands on her hips. "Gosh, I can't do this. I can't I can't I can't, Natalia, I'm sorry."

Olivia turned to her bed and rummaged through the pile of discarded outfits to find her phone. She hit two buttons and was on the phone in an instant. "HI. It's Olivia, you busy?"

Matt paused in Josh's doorway, a look of surprize on his face. "Uhm, right now?"

"Yeah. Uhm. You know, I know it's a little early for dinner but I have some time and I know you were having a rough day so I thought maybe if you weren't doing anything we could get together and cheer each other up…?" _What are you doing?_

Matt paused and turned to glance at Josh, who was busy working. "Well, no I don't have anything going on." he replied, leaning confidently against the doorframe of Josh's office, his mood changing.

_Oh crap._ "Great! Towers in ten minutes?"

"Ten minutes." Matt repeated, a smile on his face. He hung up.

Olivia hung up the phone and tossed it onto the bedspread and covered her face with her hands in defeat. _I can do it. Just not right now._ She slid out of the jeans and tank top and pulled a black dress out of her closet. She dressed quickly and did her hair in the mirror, sweeping it back, clipping it and letting it fall towards the back. She stared at her reflection as she absently stroked her hair. _It's just dinner. Just dinner. Just dinner between friends._ A knock at the door drew her attention from her reflection.

_AH crap._ Olivia opened the door and stopped in surprize at Natalia who was on the other side.

"Wow. You look great…" Natalia greeted appreciatively.

"Thanks…" Olivia blushed as she squeezed her clutch purse tightly. "Listen. I can't go shopping with you. I have dinner plans." _I think she can tell I'm lying._

Natalia eyed Olivia, sadness overtaking her demeanor. _She's lying to me. _"Dinner plans."

"It just came up…" Olivia fidgeted with her clutch, moving it from hand to hand, avoiding Natalia's gaze.

"Okay, well we can just go some other time."

"Yeah…" Olivia replied, her heart thudding against her chest. _She knows I'm lying._ _Might as well fix a lie with the truth._ "I. I can't. I changed my plans because I can't do this I can't just hang out with you like…we're friends. I can't. It's too hard." Olivia made the move to close the door behind her to head off to Towers. "I have to go. Good night." She could feel Natalia's eyes on her back as she made her way towards the elevator. _Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Don't turn around._

Natalia watched as Olivia got onto the elevator, purposely hiding in the farthest end of the cab. _Turn around, turn around. IF she turns around, you'll be okay._ Natalia let out a sigh as the door closed with no eye contact from Olivia. _Fortune favors the brave._ She waited for a few minutes before taking the stairs and heading off to Towers.

******************************

Olivia let out a deep breath as she met Matt at Towers. They walked in an almost awkward silence until they reached their table where Olivia sat and Matt scooted her into the table, chair and all. She giggled awkwardly as Matt sat down. "Hey nobody's done that for me in a long time…" she said, looking through the menu despite knowing what was already on the menu.

"You've been dating the wrong people." Matt replied, taking his menu.

"So, thank you for showing up on such short notice." Olivia said cordially, feeling more like it was a work related dinner than actual date.

"Well thank you for saving me from my horrible day." Matt replied.

"Oh no, I needed this. I really needed this. I needed to get out. It's been a long time since I've had dinner with a grown up."

"Same here." Matt answered.

"And it's good to check out the competition's menu…" Olivia joked.

"Oh that's right. Well, hey, I'll let you pick out the wine. Takes the pressure off of me." Matt said, handing Olivia his menu.

"Oh. I can do that. Do you like red wine or white wine?"

"I'm a red guy."

"I'm red too, so we're in good shape." _Rick might kill me if he found out I'm drinking again._ _Or Natalia. Or both._

"Kay." Matt said, studying Olivia for a moment as she parused the menu. "This is nice. It is nice, being out you know? Just relaxed having a good time."

Olivia nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Me too."

****

Natalia watched quietly, watching as Olivia and Matt spoke to each other, pleasant smiles on their faces. She thought she saw Olivia wince her way through their conversation. _She's lying to me and she's lying to Matt, all because she wants to prove she can just move on without thinking about it but she's hurting. _Natalia took a deep breath and crossed from her hiding space towards Olivia and Matt's table.

"Hello Olivia. Hi Matt. I'm soo to interrupt." Natalia said, missing the sincerity in her apology. "Olivia, we need to talk."

Olivia's eyes went wide in surprise, her gaze darting between Natalia and Matt in embarassment. "Uhm…"

"It's very important…" Natalia insisted, watching Matt shift uncomfortably in his seat.

"Oh well…if it's important…" Matt stood up from his seat, leaving it out for Natalia to take it. "Olivia, maybe we can try this another evening. Thanks for thinking of me…" He gave Natalia a courteous nod. "Hope everything's okay." He excused himself and left Olivia and Natalia alone at the table.

Natalia slid into Matt's vacant seat and stared Olivia down, delighting in how nervous she suddenly became.

"You can't do this. I made plans." Olivia argued, keeping her voice low and her eyes locked on Natalia's, matching her intensity.

"Yes. With me." Natalia replied evenly.

"I can't do it right now. I can't. I can't spend one on one time with you, okay? It's just too hard. Maybe one day we can casual friends but I can't do it right now."

"Yeah. You can't do it because you're in love with me." Natalia replied matter of factly. "We are not casual friends and that's not what I'm looking for from you."

"I need to move on."

Natalia rolled her eyes at Olivia. "No. We need to be together. And you can't fool me by going on dates with other people. I know how you feel, I know how I feel. I can see it in your eyes right now. I know I hurt you and I know it's going to take awhile and it's gonna take a lot of hard work for me to _remind _you how good what we have is. I'm a patient woman. And I can do it." Natalia slid out of the seat, taking her purse and walked off. She felt Olivia's eyes on her back and could feel the bricks that made up walls she had built around herself start to crumble.

*************************************

Natalia sat in bed, watching the last few minutes of "The Notebook", the blankets pooled around her hips as she watched Noah and Allie reunite in their old age. _God I hope I don't have to wait that long to get Olivia back to me._ She let out a sigh and turned off the TV, annoyed that she had fallen into the trap that romantic movies always set. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy looses girl, boy makes up with something grand, girl forgives him, happy ending, roll credits. _Why can't life work out that way? I don't even know what kind of happy ending we would get…I just want to know what kind of now we could have. _

Natalia sat in the near darkness of her living room, her head propped up against the back of the couch, eyes staring up at the ceiling. She rubbed at her eyes, feeling the strains of exhaustion slowly settling into her body. She turned off the last of the lights, leaving the usual array of lights still on before padding upstairs to her bedroom. She sat on the edge of her bed, her pillows bunched up on top of one another under the sheets; she hadn't made the bed yet again. She reached for her phone and scanned for Olivia's number.

_From Natalia: Good night, Olivia. Sweetest of dreams._


	16. Everlong

**Everlong**

Olivia and Natalia slowly find their way back to each other. I'm following along as I can with the series leading to the finale complete with an honest to goodness happy ending. It's devoid of the Frankenbaby storyline because I don't think kids make good plot devices. Once again, thanks for the feedback and support.

Guiding Light, the girls, the names, the places, the town belong to CBS, Telenext, Proctor and Gamble so…I'll put em back when I'm done. Just being formal.

Yes, I'm completely making it up as I go along, taking bits and pieces that work and moving along. Hope it makes sense.

Title: Foo Fighters-Everlong (either the acoustic version or the album version. It's a personal favorite)

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Natalia wasn't surprised that Olivia hadn't answered her rather bold text message. It stung a bit to know that the feeling wasn't totally reciprocated but she but she knew that it was something that would make Olivia smile, something that would remind her of how much she still loved her. All she really needed was time and as long as Olivia kept pushing her away, she would push right back.

Natalia combed out her hair, watching the way her hair tumbled over her shoulders in the mirror. She thought about when she had been doing this months ago, her hair felt dull and the light in her eyes seemed dim and now weeks later she felt like a brand new person. She finished with her hair and shook her shoulders out, shaking out the nerves that were building up in her neck. She was going to go to the office again and politely ask Olivia if she was interested in going on their shopping trip again. She felt confident after the previous evening's conversation; Olivia knew everything she needed to know and whatever excuses she came up with were shot down.

_It's only a matter of time until she understands that this is real, this is good, I'm here and we're going to be together._

Natalia picked up her cell phone and headed downstairs to pick up her car keys and try her luck with Olivia.

*************************************

Olivia yawned as she entered her office, covering her wide open mouth with the back of her hand. She left the door open out of habit and in case Kyra needed her but lately she was thinking keeping it closed who prevent a certain someone from barging in.

Olivia rounded the corner to her desk and slid into her seat, rubbing her palms together. She had been rattled by Natalia's candor last night, to the point that she had a difficult time falling asleep. Everytime she closed her eyes in an attempt to sleep, she saw Natalia's face. She saw the fierce determination in her deep brown eyes, the confidence in her squared shoulders and tone, the way she refused to let her bullshit excuses deter her from saying what she needed to say; Natalia saw right through Olivia's defenses, knocking them down one by one until it left her exposed.

Olivia hated being that exposed after all the hard work she put into building that wall.

_That determination was pretty sexy._

She grabbed her pen and began making notations on the paperwork left on her desk. She worked dilligently for a moment, her mind slowly clearing until she caught an error. "Great. I did it again." she grumbled, circling around the mistake and scribbling new information.

Natalia waited a moment, watching as Olivia angrily dug her pen into the paper, grumbling to herself. _She looks so good in that white suit of hers. She'd look good in a burlap sack._ She knocked softly and waited. "Hey." Natalia greeted, holding her purse as if her life depended on it.

Olivia blinked for a moment, slightly embarrassed. "Hi." she managed to say.

"I just uhm…I didn't mean to disturb you while you're working but…" Natalia took a hestitant step into the office.

"It's okay." Olivia replied.

"I just uhm…wanted to know if maybe you wanted to try that shopping thing again…and I know you're thinking about saying no but…just hear me out first…"

Olivia swallowed hard, eyeing Natalia as though she had just cursed her out. "I can't go shoppiing with you. I don't understand why you won't just let it go."

Natalia dropped her purse onto the chair next to her. "Because we're meant to be together."

Olivia raked her fingers through her hair before resting her elbows on her desktop, her fingers threaded together. "That's not gonna happen."

"You're really gonna have to just get over this fear." Natalia replied.

"Do I look frightened to you?" Olivia challenged, the muscles in her jaw flexing in frustration.

"You're worried." Natalia countered.

"I'm busy."

Natalia rolled her eyes. "I don't want you to miss out on the time we have together because you're too stubborn to admit that you're making up excuses to not be around me but if we're going to make this 'friend' thing work, you're going to deal with me. So. Just, come out with me."

"Thanks. But no." Olivia replied with a shake of her head.

Natalia stood her ground, bracing herself against the backs of the two chairs that sat in front of Olivia's desk. She held Olivia's unflinching gaze, determined to get her to crack. "You're very stubborn." she said, watching the way Olivia's eyes darted from her desk, to Natalia's eyes before flicking to her clevage and back to Natalia's eyes. "Which is sometimes a good thing, sexy even because you stick to your guns but when you're spending so much time avoiding me and this. It doesn't work as well."

"Natalia." Olivia replied with an audible groan of frustration. "I don't…"

"I know, you're busy…" Natalia breathed dejectedly picking up her purse from the chair. "I get it. Just. Think about it, please?"

Olivia folded her hands on top of her desk, taking a deep breath before answering. "Natalia, I know you're still clinging to this…hope that we can work through this but I need time, okay? I need distance. I need space. I need you…to leave me alone for awhile. Okay?" As she spoke, she avoided Natalia's gaze until the last second when she hazarded a glance and saw Natalia staring at her with mild interest. "Please." she pleaded.

"Alright." Natalia replied simply. "I just wanted you to know that whenever you're ready, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." She turned and headed out of the office. She stopped in the doorway and turned again, a warm smile on her face. "Have a nice day."

Olivia's face fell as she watched Natalia leave the office, her perfume hanging in the air.

********************************

_That was not what I expected. At. All. _Natalia thought as she waited for the elevator, her car keys in her left hand. She couldn't help but laugh to herself; she no longer worked in The Beacon but she spent most of her free time there, chasing after Olivia. _It's not a chase if she's only a few paces ahead of me, just a game of catch up. _

********************************

Olivia chewed on her the plastic cap of her pen, Natalia's scent clinging to the corners of the office. _Natalia's right. There's nothing stopping me. Except being hurt and having a serious and respectable case of trust issues. _She ran her fingers through her hair, attempting to shake out the frustration building in her body. _She had no business showing up like that._ Olivia stood up from her desk and began to pace nervously. _How much longer can I shove her away? How much longer can I just deny the time we spent together, however short it was didn't happen? Doesn't mean the world to me? I can't. I just can't. I make up excuses to avoid being around her because I just feel myself wanting to just crawl into her arms and stay there because the truth is I forgave her the moment she showed up on my doorstep. _She rubbed her palms together, upset that she had been so badly rattled by the past two days and it wasn't a terrible thing, she just hated feeling so exposed.

_Lillian and Holly are right and only one of them actually had an idea of what's been going on between Natalia and me. So is that a sign? Is that divine intervention or just a coincedence? Blind luck? A random occurance that only happens when someone finally stops looking and starts seeing? _Olivia let out a frustrated groan and searched for her purse. She had to get air and get lunch. _Maybe avoid Natalia. _

*****

She thought about going to Company for lunch but realized that if she did that, she ran a strong shot at running into Frank and that was just as bad as running into a very persistant and determined Natalia. _Did she really need to wear _**that **_top?_ She ferretted through her purse for her cell phone, chewing on her bottom lip as she dug through it. She had no idea that Frank had seen her from Company and was making his way across the street to speak to her.

"Hey there." he greeted casually, his hands burrowing into the pockets of his trousers.

"Hey." Olivia replied, still digging around her purse.

"So…Natalia tells me that you're avoiding her?"

_What the hell?_ "No…I'm…not avoiding her I'm just busy. Work…" she returned her attention to the purse, hoping Frank would get the hint and leave her alone. _Is she telling everyone our business now? _

"You sure?"

"No. I'm really swamped with everything going on and y'know there's really no time…" Olivia continued rumaging through her purse and let out a frustrated noise.

"Well you know Olivia, who knows when you'll have the time anymore you know? I mean, I don't even know the difference between right and wrong anymore I mean, I thought I did last week but…Anyway uh…"

Olivia dug out her cell phone, shouldered her purse and busied herself with her phone, hoping Frank's rambling would come to an end and she'd be left alone to wallow in her own indecision. No luck.

"With Mallet and Marina splitting up finding out that Shayne is Henry's dad, the restaurant's failing and it's failing miserably right now and Cyrus, I mean Cyrus is Jenna's son. Did you know that?" Frank asked.

Olivia turned and shook her head no. _As facinating as the sordid details of the Cooper family can be, Frankie, I just. Don't. Care. _She continued to go through her cell phone, Frank's awkward stream of consciousness choice of conversation starter still going strong. She saw him looking around in her peripheral vision, trying to find the right way to phrase his next topic of one-sided conversation. _Frankie, please…_

"I know Natalia loves you. And she's having a really tough time with Rafe leaving and everything…So, you know right now the whole world is just upside down. Who knows what's going on right now but you know what? In the big picture, the whole scheme of things things aren't…things really aren't so bad. So. Don't beat yourself up anymore. Don't over think things just," Frank took a step towards Olivia, bumping the side of his left fist awkwardly against Olivia's elbow in a show of support. "do what you need to do." When she didn't turn he nodded to himself. "Okay. I'll see you." He walked back towards Company, unaware with how close to home he had really hit with his rambling.

Olivia sat in her car debating what to do next. She didn't want to go to Towers for lunch where she would undoubtly run into the happily reunited Billy and Vanessa; the last thing she needed to be reminded of was her part in bringing them together in a thinly veiled attempt to distract herself from the pressing matter of her relationship with Natalia. Or lack there of.

Besides, her appitite was gone.

She ran her palms against the steering wheel as she scanned the town that surrounded her, watching the occassional car drive down, the way the wind moved through the trees, the occassional birdsong. She let out a deep breath and moved her head to the right, her spine cracking back into alignment. It was impossible to feel as glum as she was feeling at this very moment, thinking about how she was in fact wasting time and how she should just stop what she was doing, find Natalia and apologize. _I can't do that either. I already said no enough times to convince myself of it. _Olivia leaned back into the seat of the driver's seat, her eyes closed. "I can't do this. This is stupid already." She said aloud, her hands gripping the steering wheel in frustration. _I was a complete and total Webster's Dictionary definition of bitch to her and I just can't manage to do this. I don't need to be mean or distant with her, I just need to…just…stay away. I just need to keep out of this._

She decided her best bet was to just go to the park, eat a hot dog and find some way to clear her already cluttered mind.

Alan was surprised to see Natalia in the pharmacy, waiting patiently for something. He hesitated for a moment, debating whether or not he wanted to talk to his latest employee but it perturbed him to see her there. _All I need to know is that there's something wrong with her too._ He walked over towards Natalia, concern etched into his features. "Natalia, what're you doing here?" he asked.

"Just picking up a few perscriptions. Nothing serious." Natalia replied with a simple smile.

"Oh…" the rest of his answer drifted off into oblivion. "I'm here for a routine check up. Tell me, how are you liking your new job at Spaulding?"

"Oh, I love it." Natalia replied. "I really really love it, thank you so much."

Alan's hands moved nervously about as he spoke. He was visibly shaken and for some reason, he felt the need to tell someone his bad news. "I was here for my routine check up and I got pulled into a very serious family meeting. Some very sad news. Philip announced to the family that he is dying and I think that you should know that because Rafael is a member of the family and he should know it too."

"Alan. Are you okay?" Natalia asked.

"We're fine we're fine…it's going to take some time…" Alan replied, trying his best to maintain his stoic demenor. "Speaking of Rafael, how is he doing?"

"Uhm. He enlisted."

"Enlisted?"

"Army. He was going to call you and tell you of course but since we're talking right now…"

"Enlisted in the Army?" Alan repeated in disbelief. "Wow. What a brave young man he is. You must tell him to call me before he goes, will you?"

"Of course."

"Good." Alan nodded.

A nurse appeared with Natalia's perscriptions, holding them out. "Here you go. This should keep you going for a bit." she said with a smile. Natalia thanked her an glanced back at Alan, who studied her in concern.

"What's wrong?" Natalia asked, slipping the medication into her purse.

Alan pursed his lips as he debated the right way to answer the question. He rapped his fingers against the top of the table they were standing by. "Are things with yourself and Rafael strained?" he asked, his tone low.

"Just your typical mother son disagreement about the right way to do things for yourself." Natalia replied, uncertain of Alan's intentions with his line of questioning. "I don't agree with his decision in joining the Army but there's not a lot I can do besides make sure I did the best I could for him…"

Alan nodded, his gaze distant as he listened to Natalia. "Well, I may not have been much of a father to my children, but I do know that all we really can do for them is hope we did what we could for them, as best we could and trust they'll learn from our mistakes."

"That's very true." Natalia agreed, watching Alan, his face a shifting storm of emotion. "I'm here if you need to talk to someone…I know if Gus were here, he'd say the same…"

"Thank you Natalia." he patted the Natalia's hand gently. "You're too kind. Make sure Rafael calls me as soon as he can. Take care now." Alan walked off, his hands in the pockets of his tailored suit, head bowed in thought.

Olivia picked up Emma from camp, deciding that their girls day out was long overdue. She knew she could've taken her to a movie or the mall and should've offered those options instead of the park, but when it came to Emma, she just couldn't say no. She let her run off to the park with her classmate Emily, giving her the opportunity to breathe and think.

She wanted peace and quiet and what she found instead was Philip walking in her direction, a grim look of concern on his face as he approached her.

"Hi." he said simply, his lips drawn into a thin line, hands in his pockets. "How are you?"

"Hey…" Olivia replied, the lack of enthusiasm not lost on Philip. "I'm fine."

"You don't look it. How's Emma?"

"She's good, she's in the park with a friend, I just came over here to just kinda…think."

"Ah." Philip nodded, glancing over towards the lake, watching it for a moment. "So it wouldn't be a good time to talk to you about something would it…?"

"What is it that you need to talk to me about?" Olivia asked, folding her arms across her chest, watching Philip closely.

"Olivia." He shifted his gaze from the lake towards Olivia. "I'm not sure how to tell you this…"

"Tell me what Philip?"

Philip turned his body to face Olivia, his eyes glassy with tears. "I'm dying."

Olivia gaped at Philip, her heart sinking like a stone, ice water pumping in her veins sending shivers down her spine. "What."

"I'm dying."

Olivia's eyes began to water. She closed them to fight back the oncoming tears, her voice shakey as she spoke. "How long have you known?"

"Couple of months."

"Well…h-how long do you have?"

"Not long."

Olivia felt a large lump forming her throat. _How is it possible that this day went from weird to worse?_ She was close to asking Philip another question when she heard Emma dashing down the path.

"Daddy!" she exclaimed, leaping into Philip's arms, a huge smile on her face as he swung her up. "I'm so glad to see you! I knew you'd come today!"

"You did?" he asked, a big smile lighting up his own face.

"Mommy, you're crying." Emma observed, her joy immediately replaced with concern. Olivia quickly wiped at her cheeks, hoping to erase the traces faster. "What's wrong?"

"Sweetie." Philip said, changing the subject and buying Olivia time to pull herself together. "Why don't you let your daddy take you for a walk?" Emma nodded as Philip let Emma down to the ground. He took her hand and they walked together father down the path, Olivia eying them as the walked.

Olivia watched as Philip paused in the path and knelt down to be at eye level with Emma, his hands placed gently on her shoulders as he spoke gently to her. Olivia suddenly wished she could hear what he was saying, hoping that he was explaining it right and wasn't scaring or upsetting Emma. She watched as Emma leaned forward, wrapping her arms around his neck, crying as he stroked her back and hair. She felt a fresh rush of tears streak down her face and this time, she didn't care.

_Am I crying because Philip is dying or because everyone leaves? What am I going to do now?_

Doris grit her teeth as she left Blake's makeshift office. Ashley, Cyrus and Blake were busy working on Cooper's book, leaving her to feel as though she were the third wheel. Ashley's barb about not knowing her simply re-enforced the fact that she wasn't wanted in the room or even in Ashley's life. She headed towards the market, figuring that a bit of indulgent shopping would make her feel a little bit better.

She entered and saw Natalia trying to fish out something from a jar to accompany the sandwich she had ordered. "Natalia, hi." Doris greeted, a small smile on her face.

"Hi Doris." Natalia replied, putting the jar back down.

"Wow. I haven't seen you in awhile. How are you doing?"

"Great, great."

"You look fantastic…How are things going with you and Olivia?"

Natalia gave a tight lipped smile, glancing down in mild embarrassment. "They're not going on at the moment."

"What? What happened? I thought you two were so in love and…Did she say no?"

"Well, she did. She means too much to me."

"Wow. So, you're just gonna hold on like that huh?"

Natalia nodded. "She's the love of my life."

They stood in silence for a moment, the weight and meaning of Natalia's words hanging between them. Natalia had a smile on her face, the honesty radiating out of her as she resumed making her lunch.

"You really mean that." Doris whispered after a moment. "Even after the men you've been with…?"

"I haven't had a lot of relationships but I can tell you that I haven't felt this strong about someone in a very long time." Natalia replied with a small shrug. "I just can't not be without her and I see that now. I'm just waiting for her to get it and then…well…we'll see."

Doris nodded. "I hope it works…" she offered simply, a small smile on tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Everyone deserves to be happy."

"Thanks…"

*****************************

"I guess you'll need time to uh adjust." Philip said quietly, watching Emma as she braced herself against the railing of the small footbridge over a creek. "I'm not going to start planning anything until I'm good and ready to, I'm still going to fight this."

"Do you know what it is?" Olivia asked, eyeing Emma.

"Well. It's serious enough to concern Ed so…he's working on it. It's rare but…it's not uncommon to beat it." He pulled Olivia into a hug. "Don't worry, just, be with Emma. It's going to be okay."

"Let's hope so."

Philip gave Olivia a nod, squeezed her right shoudler gently and walked off, leaving her to talk to an obviously distraught Emma. Olivia quietly walked towards Emma, placing her left hand on her daughter's cheek, while bracing herself against the railing.

"Is daddy gonna come back?" Emma asked.

"No, baby, he won't."

"Can we say good bye to him again?"

"Sure. You wanna do that right now?"

Emma shook her head no, a small no sound coming from her pouted lips.

"Okay, want to do something else? Something that'll make you feel better?" Olivia asked, hoping that there was something well within her means of achieving.

"Can we go to Natalia's and bake cookies for daddy?" Emma asked, optimism brightening her features. "Maybe they'll make him feel better."

_I'll do anything but that. _"Well. I don't even know if Natalia's available right now."

"Can you call her?" Emma pressed innocently, turning on that old Spencer charm.

"Yeah." Olivia replied, automatically dialing Natalia's number without second thought. Olivia reached out her left hand and stroked Emma's hair as she waited for Natalia to pick up.

Natalia let out a small squeak as a thick chunk of turkey fell from back end of the sandwich she was eating, plopping on the wax paper. She reached for her cell phone, licking her fingers clean from mayo. Her heart skipped a beat at the name that appeared on her screen.

"Hi you." She greeted, the smile that brightened her face warming Olivia's heart.

"Hey." Olivia replied, feeling a bit awkward. "Uh, I…we…Emma was wondering if she could come over and bake some cookies with you."

"Well of course she can…" Natalia replied, the smile seemingly stapled to her face.

"Great. We'll be there soon."

"Ok. Olivia?"

"Yeah."

Natalia chewed her bottom lip before continuing. "Is everything okay?"

Olivia let out a sigh. "Philip is dying and Emma is upset. She thinks the cookies are going to help him…"

"Oh. Well, whatever I can do to help, I'll help, you know that."

"Thank you. I'll drop her off in a bit."

Olivia hung up unceremoniously. The last thing she needed to be reminded of was the fact all she really wanted was to have Natalia tell her it was going to be okay; she knew it would be and the fact that it would be okay with her made her uncomfortable.

Somewhere in the back of her mind with every time Olivia said no emphatically, she was really truly from the bottom of her heart with every fiber of her being saying yes. She always knew that every time she gave a faulty reason, a weak excuse or an air-tight reason for saying no to Natalia, for rejecting her, she was only opening the door wider and wider for Natalia to walk in; she was only denying herself because she thought that was the right thing to do to keep herself sane and to maintain her almost impenetrable façade. She had a reputation to maintain, in love with a woman or not, she had to make sure everyone knew that nobody broke Olivia Spencer's heart. She slid the phone into her pocket and held out her right hand to Emma, a forced smile on her face. "We're in luck honey, Natalia is home." she said as cheerily as she could as she lead Emma towards the parking lot, quietly dreading the few moments she would spend in Natalia's prescence, her body screaming at her to just pull her close, kiss her deep and forget the entire hellish ordeal. _I can't do that. I told her it was going to be a helluva fight to get my trust back. I told her it wasn't going to be easy and she had to properly earn her way back into my heart. I might also have still been drunk._

Olivia watched Emma in the rear view mirror as she drove across town towards the farmhouse, taking the longest route she could think of to get there. She didn't see herself going into the house, anticipating the offer before it was formally made. She couldn't see herself walking back in there after the night they'd spent together, making amends and trying to start over. She knew that Emma wouldn't care if she was in the house or not, she only wanted to spend time with the obviously more stable Natalia than she did with herself or her dying father. _Jesus, what the hell have I done to this kid that she's surrounded by nothing but death, mayhem and destruction?_ Olivia gripped the steering wheel a little tighter as she turned onto the road leading towards the farmhouse, alarmed with how easily she remembered the way back, despite her current distraction. _The only good thing in her life is Natalia and I'm keeping her away from that._ She watched Emma's eyes eagerly light up as they bumped along towards the farmhouse, it's familiar green and white greeting frame them in a way that always made them feel like it was more home than The Beacon ever could be. Olivia's heart hurt when she remembered their first Christmas together, the way Emma had grown attached to the house and Natalia; the tradition of playing spanish christmas carols and cooking traditional Puerto Rican dishes always made Olivia a bit envious that she couldn't give Emma everything the way Natalia had. _I suppose that's where we balance each other out. She couldn't give Rafe the home that Emma has and I couldn't give Emma the home Natalia has given her. Give the both of us._

Olivia eased the car into it's usual spot alongside the house, watching Emma as she quickly unbuckled herself and opened the door. Olivia cut the engine, opened her own door and pocketed her keys. She watched Emma boucing on her heels as she rounded the car and grabbed Emma's hand, the both of them making their way up the walkway towards the front door.

Emma cleared the steps quickly, pressing the doorbell before stepping back towards a hestitant Olivia, who rubbed at her face absently, hoping that her own eagerness wasn't showing. She rested her left hand on Emma's shoulder as her daughter nestled against her, waiting for Natalia to open the door.

Natalia knew that Olivia would probably never set foot into the house but she still made sure it was clean and and tidy as the sound of Olivia's Nissan rolling to a stop outside made her rush the rest of her last minute tasks. She rubbed her palms together before rubbing them against her jean skirt, hoping they wouldn't be too sweaty as she made her way to the front door, a smile already on her face. _My two favorite girls._ She thought fondly as she opened the door.

Natalia braced the door open with her body. "Let's make some cookies." she said to Emma, who immediately walked into the house and headed straight for the kitchen. She watched lovingly as Emma entered before turning her attention towards Olivia. "Come in." she mouthed expectantly, nodding her head towards the living room, hopeful smile on her face. Olivia mouthed no, returning the small smile before turning and leaving the porch. Natalia's face fell, her disappointment impossible to hide as she watched Olivia leave the porch. She frowned and entered the house, determined to make this a fun day for Emma anyway.

Olivia paced around the car for a few moments, debating whether she wanted to sit in the car and bake in the heat or drive off to kill time while Emma baked. _I'm not rude._ Olivia's right hand managed to find it's way to her mouth and she bit the end of her thumb thoughtfully. She caught herself admiring the exterior of the house, watching the sturdiness of it's foundation, the warmth in it's windows, the shade offered by it's surrounding trees and the wide expanse of the grounds it sat on. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, it was home and the heart of it was inside with her daughter, baking cookies.

****

Emma expertly cracked an egg against the bowl, her fingers slick with raw egg yolk. Natalia passed her another egg, stiring the rest of the ingredients. She smiled as Emma held up her yolked up hands, a big grin on her face. "You're such a mess." Natalia said, handing Emma a napikin and wiping her hands. She handed her a large whisk. "Mix this." she said, watching as Emma worked. "Good job." She giggled as Emma continued mixing the batter with the large whisk. Natalia rubbed her palms together, her smile fading as she thought about how much better this would be if Olivia had just come in. _Olivia, why are you letting pride decide what you do?_ She let Emma continue mixing, gently flipping the little girl's ponytail as she walked towards the window, glancing out and seeing Olivia standing out on the grass, a pained look on her face. _She wants to come in and she won't. _

Natalia watched as Olivia studied the house silently, her hands fidgeting with her cell phone, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. _You could just come in and just sit here, the way you had before. I wouldn't even say anything to you, just let you be there in the kitchen or the living room…Somewhere near me._ She sighed as Olivia slid her sunglasses over her eyes. _She's probably going to cry._ Natalia's own eyes stung slightly with saline, the tears coming easily to her eyes now. She blinked quickly, pressing under her eyes to squeeze out the tears that were on the cusp of falling, wiped at her cheeks and turned towards Emma to do the hard part of scooping out the batter, putting them onto the cookie tray and then into the oven.

Together, they cleaned up the table and bowls together, splashing each other with the soapy water. Emma cleaned the table free from crumbs as Natalia checked on the cookies. "Alright, we've got about ten minutes still." she said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Natalia, are you and mommy still mad at each other?" Emma asked bluntly, crumpling a paper towel in her hand.

"Well, no honey, mommy is really stressed out about a lot of things and I'm just letting her have her time." Natalia replied as gently as she could, watching the girl for a reaction.

"Do you think she'll be better soon?" Emma asked, leaning against the chair fidgeting with her quietly.

"Of course I do honey. Your mommy is a very strong person, the strongest person I know." Natalia cupped Emma's chin, gently squeezing it. "She's going to be okay." She glanced out of the window again, hoping to catch a glimpse of Olivia. She felt a pang of disappointment when she realized Olivia was nowhere to be found.

*******

Enough was enough. Olivia quietly snuck back to the car, slid the key into the ignition and drove off. Her eyes were puffy from the silent tears she allowed to fall. She had no idea where to go and the only place she could think of was the park. She slid her jacket off, trying to find some comfort in the warmth the summer sun offered on her bare shoulders but finding that she was upset by the sensation. She wanted the warmth to be another body and the comfort of knowing that everything would be okay.

The crunch of heels on the gravel path behind her turned her attention from her quiet ruminations towards the sound. Doris cleared the space between them quickly, a smile on her face.

"Olivia." Doris greeted. "Hey…"

"Hi." Olivia replied, turning to face Doris as she bashfully spoke.

"I just saw Natalia. She looks beautiful. Wow. Lots of new life." Doris fawned, folding her arms across her chest.

"Yeah, new life begins, old life ends…" Olivia nodded with a nod and a shrug.

"I heard about what you're going through…"

"Yeah…" Olivia replied, glancing down at the ground to avoid Doris' gaze. "I guess life is full of choices and what happens after you make them…"

"What choice do you mean?" Doris pressed, her arms still crossed.

"I dunno." Olivia replied with a small chuckle. "I guess I mean choosing between what you _want _and what's realistic." she shrugged.

"Oh. I've had to make that one more than once."

"I mean, Philip didn't choose to get sick, I get that but I'm worried about Emma, she's gonna grow up without a father."

"And you know Ashley has grown up without knowing who her mother truly is so…" Doris let out an exasperated sigh, embarrassed with her own faults as a parent. "You know, I really wish I'd made more risks in my life."

"Risk, well, I've taken a few of those thought I haven't always liked the way they've turned out." Olivia admitted.

"Well. I haven't taken any risks." Doris replied. "Maybe now it's…maybe now is the time risk everything. To reach out for what's really important." She flashed Olivia a hopeful smile before squeezing Olivia's hands before walking down the path, leaving Olivia to contemplate Doris' words.

_What is it with this town and this park and people giving free advice?_

****

Olivia knocked on the door with her right hand, her left crammed into her suit pocket. She slipped her jacket back on as she waited for Natalia to answer. Her heart fluttered when Natalia opened the door, the ghost of a smile on her face.

"Hi…" Olivia breathed, noticing that Natalia was breathtaking in summer twilight. "How was everything…?"

"Fine. Cookies are done, I packed them up into Tupperware and Emma is out back feeding the ducks." Natalia used her body to prop open the screen door, the smell of sugary confections wafting out of the kitchen and teasing Olivia's nose. She watched as Olivia shifted from foot to foot, debating if she wanted to come in or not. "Sure you don't want to come in?" Natalia asked softly, already knowing the answer.

"You know I can't." Olivia whispered quietly.

"You can, you just don't want to." Natalia replied, stepping out of the doorway, the screen door closing silently behind her. "You did before."

"I was a little hungover…?" Olivia quipped, a crooked smile on her face.

"That's nice." Natalia said, standing nearly toe to tow with Olivia. She shivered, Olivia was wearing the perfume that always made her smell irresistable. "I like knowing that you can come to me drunk, makes a girl feel wanted."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know." Natalia gently bumped her fist against Olivia's right arm. "Don't be so glum. I'm the one dealing with near constant rejection."

"You make it sound like it's so easy."

"You make it look easy."

They stared each other down; Olivia's gaze intense while Natalia's eyes were filled with love, wreckless and defiant despite the aforementioned near constant rejection. Olivia wanted to break the eye contact but to be honest, it was the most contact she'd had, non-confrontational to boot, with the brunette in a long time. She felt a shiver pass through her body as she watched the tip of Natalia's tongue moist her dry bottom lip; Olivia wanted it to be her tongue.

"I don't mean to…" Olivia whispered, glancing down at her hands. "I don't really want to talk about it right now."

"I saw you, you know. Out on the lawn, watching the house…"

"I kinda figured you did." Olivia admitted nervously, her heart rate kicking up as she glanced around the porch for any sign of Emma. _C'mon Em, I need an escape here._ "I left because I didn't want to take away from your time with Emma…"

"You wouldn't have taken away anytime from us, you know that." Natalia replied, shooting down yet another one of Olivia's excuses. "You know she means the world to me. You both do."

Olivia's heart fluttered. "Thanks…"

Emma appeared from around the house, a huge smile on her face. "Mommy!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Olivia's waist. "We finished the cookies for daddy in record time, right Natalia?"

Natalia nodded, a Crest kid smile across her face. "We sure did. We make a good team, Em."

"That's great!" Olivia said, stooping to plant a kiss on Emma's head. "How bout you get your stuff and we head on home?"

"Okay!" Emma darted into the house, running upstairs to wash her hands in the bathroom sink.

"Thanks for taking care of her." Olivia said the moment Emma was out of earshot.

"You know I'd do anything for her. I'm just sorry the cookies won't really help Philip."

"You and me both…" Olivia replied with a sad nod. "I just hope that I can handle whatever comes next…"

"Well, just so you know, you're not alone. If you need me for anything…I'm here." Natalia offered, her right hand automatically reaching for Olivia's. Olivia let herself have the contact, indulging in the softness of the other woman's touch. "For you or Emma."

"Thanks." Olivia answered, slightly disappointed when Natalia took her hand away.

Emma emerged from the house, a Tupperware loaded with cookies held loftily in her hands. "Ready!" she said, a toothy grin on her face.

"Alright Jellybean! To the car." Olivia replied, patting Emma on the back as she skipped off to the car. She turned towards Natalia, her own heart skipping again as Natalia wound her hair up into a bun, exposing her neck. "Thanks again…"

"Stop thanking me." Natalia answered, her hands sitting on her hips. "Just promise me at some point, you'll come by and stay."

Olivia gave a silent nod and headed off towards the car, Natalia's offer still floating around in her head.

*****************

Natalia slid her legs under the covers, determined not to think about text messaging Olivia. _Let's be honest here, she left the door open.  
_

_FROM NATALIA: I like knowing that I can still make you nervous._

Olivia bristled at the message, her fingertips tingling to send a reply message. _Don't do that. She already knows she has you, don't let her think it's for good. At least not yet._ She sighed and placed her cell phone back onto the nightstand, next to the New Years photo because she was secretly a glutton for punishment. She curled up under the covers, the gentle humming from central air taking the place of her usual television with the volume low; she'd made the mistake of watching "Poltergeist" alone and couldn't sleep with the television on. _Natalia would get a kick out of that. She won't watch "Signs" because it's in farmhouse._  
She sighed and closed her eyes, her mind automatically wandering sleepily, building on the notion of climbing into Natalia's bed.

***

The house creaked as old houses do. The sound of nails rubbing against wood purturbed Natalia and despite always checking the house twice and knowing the town was the safest place in the world, she still slept with a baseball bat next to the bed. You can take the girl out of Chicago but you can't take the Chicago out of the girl. She wondered if Olivia would find that funny. She rolled onto her back, imaging that Olivia was in the next room, waiting to sneak down the hallway and sneak into her bedroom in an lame attempt to scare her.

*******

Dreams are a strange thing because they can not only give our brains a chance to purge some of the stress of the day, but can also show us the things we need to see plainly, stripped of the gloss and vanity of other people's opinion. This is your conscious speaking, some would even say your soul. As Olivia slept, her mind unwrapped her deepest fears and her wildest hopes and despite being in the deepest sleep she's ever been in, she hoped Natalia was dreaming the same thing.

The farmhouse is dark, Olivia rolls out of bed and grabs her sweatshirt from its place on the back of the door. She slips her arms into the garment silently, tying her hair up into a messy ponytail before zipping it and leaving her bedroom. She steps quietly down the hall, tiptoeing to Emma's bedroom, peering inside to check that she was sound asleep. She continues on down the hall towards Natalia's bedroom. She checks the doorknob, it twists easily and she grants herself entry. She stands in the doorway, peering inside. The moonlight filters into the bedroom, casting pale white light across the hardwood floor. Olivia steps in quietly, her eyes on Natalia's sleeping form. She stops mid-step as Natalia rolls onto her back, a sleepy sigh escaping her lips.

Natalia thought she heard the door creak down the hall. She knew it was an old house and that the sounds were bound to happen but it always made her a little anxious, especially since she was there alone. She lay still, wondering why it was that after nearly two years of living in this house, the only time it felt like home was when Emma and Olivia were banging around inside. She heard the sound of footfalls down the hall and finally the creak of her own door. She waited for another sound, a sign that someone was in the room with her. She felt her heart kick up in anticipation as she rolled onto her back, a sigh escaping her lips.

Olivia stood stock still for a moment before clearing the space between herself and Natalia's right side of the bed. She unzipped her hoodie, tossing it to the floor before slipping underneath the covers, keeping a safe distance between herself and Natalia. She rolled onto her right side, propping herself up on her elbow to watch Natalia as she slept. She reached out with her left hand to stroke Natalia's cheek softly, her fingertips brushing against Natalia's skin leaving a trail of fire in their wake. She let her fingertips brush against the outline of Natalia's lips, shivering at their warmth and supple texture. Olivia scooted closer, careful not to wake Natalia and draped her left arm across the sleeping woman's torso, watching the way her chest rose and fell.

Natalia purred in her sleep, the feeling of fingertips brushing against her skin and lips causing a tingling sensation in the pit of her stomach. She almost frowned when the caressing stopped, replaced with the gentle weight of an arm across her torso, the hand cupping her just below her ribcage and pulling her closer towards a warm body. She felt herself automatically notching against the body, the warmth of their breathing against her cheek, the gentle brush of lips against the shell of her ear. She shifted slightly, startling her gentle intruder, to move closer to them.

Olivia blushed as Natalia rolled onto her right side, the back of her body molding against Olivia's front. She blushed as Natalia backed her rear end against her before settling into her sleeping position. Natalia kissed the exposed patch of skin on Natalia's shoulder softly before resting her head on the pillow, falling back to sleep.

*************************

Emma was up and dressed while Olivia puzzled over the dream in bed. She tried to hide her growing embarassment as her daughter climbed into bed, calling good morning louder than the alarm clock Olivia had ignored twice.

"Jellybean! Did you have coffee instead of chocolate milk this morning?" Olivia jibbed, poking the hyperactive girl in the ribs playfully, pulling her into her lap.

"No! Mommy you said you'd take me to see daddy today to give him his cookies remember?" Emma replied, letting Olivia give her a kiss on her cheek before rolling out from her mother's grasp. She tugged the covers off and tugged at Olivia's hands.

"I know I did sweetheart! Can I atleast look decent first?" Olivia replied, mussing up Emma's hair as she slid out of bed to shower and dress.

"Hurry up! I'm going to make him a card!" Emma called as she ran back into her bedroom to fish out her art supplies.

Olivia was freshly dressed and found Emma perched on the edge of her bed, writing on the inside of her art project for Philip. "C'mon Em, let's go." Olivia said, grabbing her car keys.

"I have to finish my card for daddy." Emma replied, holding up the construction paper she had been working on.

Olivia thought for a moment. "C'mon." Olivia said, putting her hand on Emma's shoulder to guide her back towards the bed. "These cookies." she began, taking the Tupperware and holding them up to Emma. "Are gonna make your daddy feel better cause you made them for him."

"And they're delicious." Emma chimed in with a smile.

"And they're delicious." Olivia agreed, returning her daughter's smile. "But I don't want you to feel bad if they don't make your daddy not sick anymore 'cause…" The sound of her cell phone ringing interrupting her train of thought. She glanced at the table, held up a one minute finger and got the phone.

"It's Natalia?" Emma asked as Olivia answered the phone.

Olivia glanced at the phone and made an oh sound. It was Natalia. "Hi."

"Hi. I was just checking up on my two favorite girls…" Natalia said, closing the refridgerator door as she spoke.

"We're okay. I'm about to take Emma over to see Philip." Olivia answered, cramming an anxious hand into the pocket of her pants.

"Oh, don't forget the cookies." Natalia advised as she worked on the kitchen table.

"They're right here." Olivia replied in a sing songy voice a grin on her face.

"I'm really sorry that Philip is sick. He's a really nice man and I know that Emma adores him."

"She just got him back and I really don't know what to do for her."

"Well if there's anything I can do for her…"

"You helped make the cookies…"

"I would do anything, you know. I would do anything I could. For either one of you."

"You just take care of yourself okay? You've got a lot going on…"

"Yeah I know…but I still worry about you."

"Well thanks…but…I know that everything's going to be fine."

"Sure." Natalia replied, fidgeting with the plastic bag on the table.

"I should really get her over there so…bye." Olivia hung up, trying to shake the remains of the conversation and the dust from the dream out of her head. "Okay Em, grab the cookies and let's skedadle." Olivia grabbed her car keys, purse and followed Emma out of the apartment.

*************************

The Spencer girls made their way through Spaulding mansion, looking to find Philip in the family room. Olivia bristled with the memory of times past in the house, fighting with someone, nearly being shoved down a flight of stairs by Lizzie. _I'm starting to think that some houses are best not lived in._ They found Philip in the family room and Emma greeted him instantly.

"Daddy, we made you some cookies." she said, presenting Philip with the Tupperware. "They'll make you feel better."

"Aw." Philip replied, kneeling before Emma, the Tupperware in his hands. "C'mere." he pulled Emma in for a hug and kiss. "I feel better looking at your pretty face. Thank you."

"Hey Em, why don't you get the cookies, and go ask cook for some milk and a plate. How's that?" Olivia offered, flicking Emma's braid.

"That's a good idea." Philip agreed, standing up again and watching Emma disappear towards the kitchen.

"She made those for you, because she thinks that they'll heal you. That it'll prevent you from actually dying and I think we need to make her understand without giving her false hope." said Olivia, her hands buried deep into her pockets.

"Well," Philip replied, his own hands bunched into the pockets of his pants. "I'll tell her that they're delicious but uhm…I won't be able to make it unless I get some special medicine that hasn't been invented yet. Does that make any sense?"

Olivia let out a sigh of frustration. "Yeah but this is so unfair."

Philip nodded in agreement. "Yeah, it is."

Emma returned with a tray loaded with cookies and a milk. Olivia and Philip sat on the couch, allowing their daughter to play a full scale version of tea time.

"Look at you." Olivia said, watching Philip help Emma put the milk on the table while balancing the plate of cookies. She took the plate and handed it to Philip.

"Can I go upstairs and play with Peyton?" Emma asked.

"Sure, why don't you take her a cookie." Olivia replied, watching as Emma reached for the plate of cookies at the same time Philip reached for his.

"No, not that one…okay maybe that one." He joked as he moved the cookies around the plate. Emma took one and headed upstairs to find Peyton.

"So, when do you have to check into the hospital?" Olivia asked when Emma was out of earshot.

"I'm not checking into a hospital." Philip replied.

"You're not? You're just gonna…die in your own bed. That it?"

"Something like that. Or maybe over there. I've always loved that chair." Philip deadpanned.

"You'd look good in that chair." Olivia quipped.

"I really hate this, you know."

"What the dead guy humor?"

"Yeah, the dead guy humor."

Philip nodded, gazing at the chair as though the idea of dying in it was getting better and better.

"And the fact that you're actually…"

"The dead guy." Philip added.

"Stop it. There's nothing. That they can do for you at the hospital?"

Philip inhaled deeply, leaning back in the couch. "They said they can make me more comfortable…but I don't want to spend my last days with my family standing around my bed waiting for me to die."

"Kinda like what I'm doing right now." Olivia answered.

"Is that what you're doing?" Philip asked quizzically.

"No. Although, okay, there was a time when I could've danced at your funer…I might've…shoot did you hear about that?"

Philip chuckled. "Oh yeah."

"Stop it!" Olivia warned, a smile on her face. "Now it just makes me sad."

"Good. I'm glad."

"Me too." Olivia replied, giving Philip a small smile before leaning in for a hug.

"I'm glad we can get to this point now…You know even if I'm dying." Philip said, leaning his elbows on his knees as he reached for a cookie. "Did Natalia bake these?"

"Of course she did."

"Do you mind if I keep Em for the day?"

"Not at all. I'm glad you turned out to be a better father than everyone thought you'd be."

"I'm glad you've always been a good mother. Emma's a great kid."

Olivia blushed. "I'll let you have your daddy daughter time. You'll have your hands full with Peyton and Em, so, good luck." She pat his knee and stood up, leaving Philip to deal with two sugared up little girls.

She slipped into Company unnoticed and hid in the farthest booth. She was sipping a mug of hot coffee when Buzz left the kitchen, wiping his hands into a towel.

"Hey! I didn't hear you come in!" he greeted, leaning across the table to kiss Olivia on the cheek. He plopped onto the bench.

"Are you all by yourself?" Olivia asked.

"Well, yeah you know, until we get the stove in. No stove no food no food no customers and Frank can go back to being a cop. Doing the things he loves, being a cop, being a dad." Buzz replied, shifting around in his seat.

"He's a wonderful father." Olivia agreed with a tight lipped smile.

"Would you tell him that the next time you see him?" Buzz exclaimed.

"Sure."

"No, he's feeling lousy cause Mallet and Marina broke up and he thinks he set a bad example."

"Oh, you can't do that. We all set bad examples for our kids occassionally. I mean they're supposed to be better people than us."

"Mine certainly are."

"Mine **definitely **are_**.**_"

"You know he'll get another shot in the future."

"Who knows."

"Either way, the kid's gonna be in great shape. I mean Frank is a good guy and whoever he meets…it wouldn't get much better than that, does it?"

"Nope." Olivia agreed with a stiff nod. Buzz leaned forward again, planted another kiss on Olivia's cheek before sliding off to continue his rounds. She chewed on her bottom lip thoughtfully, dissecting Buzz's ruminations. _What do I care? She's not my girlfriend anymore._

Natalia sat in the booth at the mini market, eating an ice cream, indulging in it's vanilla center and the crunch of the chocolate shell when Blake spied her sitting alone.

"That looks yummy." Blake said conversationally, leaning against the back of a chair.

"It is." Natalia said indulgently. "I think I need to slow down with all the ice cream I've been having."

"Oh, so you're stress eating are you?" Blake asked, slowly making her way to sit. "What's been going on with you?" Eagerly, Blake took the empty seat across from Natalia.

"Just starting a new job and Rafe is going into the Army soon…sometimes I just want a little comfort food, you know?"

"I hear you there." Blake said with a chuckle. "Have you spoken to Frank lately…?"

"About…?"

"Well…" Blake floundered for words. "What you're going to do now that you're not…well…with Olivia."

"I never thought to ask."

"Well…just…" Blake fidgeted with her fingers as she spoke, feeling stupid for broaching the subject. "Just don't count Frank out, okay? He's a good guy and deserves a chance…"

Natalia's brows knit together in confusion. She watched Blake as she fidgeted nervously in her seat. "I'll keep that in mind but…to be honest, I really only want to get things going with Olivia…I think Frank understands that now."

"You're really serious about the two of you working out…"

"Very." Natalia replied. "I wanted to thank you for that, because you really helped me see what it is that I want with my life when you drove me up to the retreat. I couldn't have done it without you."

Blake blushed and brushed her hair back from her face, a tight lipped smile on her face. "Well I'm glad that it was of use to you. I just hope that it all works out." She tapped her palms on the top of the table and pushed herself up. "I'll see you, I've got to run a few more errands before the day's out."

Natalia bit into the ice cream bar, frowning because the sweetness was lost on her.

Natalia made her way along the path in the park, her mind lingering on the odd conversation she had with Blake. _Maybe that was her way of saying she wanted to have Frank for herself but she wanted to know if I was really over him. I don't know if I was ever into him in the first place. That sounds terrible._ She saw Philip seated on the bench, fidgeting with his hands. "Hi Philip." She said, sitting next to him.

"Hey Natalia." he greeted quietly.

"You know Olivia told me and I'm so sorry…"

"Hm, thank you. Yes. I'm the dying guy. I think I'm gonna get t-shirts made with that saying on it." Philip said morbidly.

"I'm so sorry…I'm gonna…go." Natalia stammered, clearly embarassed with herself.

"No, its okay." Philip chuckled, patting Natalia's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"No no no, you are going through a lot right now and I just…I'm sorry." She made the move to get up again against Philip's protests.

"Hey, Natalia." Philip said, turning on the bench to follow her. "Listen. This may not be my place to say this but dying does have it's perks. I know that Olivia is trying to push you away right now. Don't be fooled. She needs you. And Emma, really needs you. And they're gonna need you a whole lot more once I'm gone so, don't let her keep you out."

"Oh I won't." Natalia said, a faint smile crossing her lips. "I won't. I know what I want."

"Good." Philip said with a nod.

Natalia nodded back and resumed walking, her mind in the clouds as she floated along, everyone's words battling for a piece of her mental real estate.

_Maybe this is good. Everyone is fine with us being together and if that's the case, why isn't Olivia seeing it that way? _She slowed down at the sigh of Frank with a small brown bag, a smile on his face.

"Hey Natalia." He greeted, a simple grin on his face.

"Hi Frank." Natalia replied. "I was thinking about you today."

"Oh? Good things I hope…" he blushed moving towards a nearby bench and sitting down. Natalia joined him. "I was on my way to the house, just to see if maybe you'd like to do something…I have a few snacks here if you're interested."

"Thank you…" Natalia replied, tucking her hair behind her ears. "Speaking of which, I made some cookies with Emma yesterday so I brought you some. They're in the car."

"Oh." said, glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Thank you…"

"She was really sad you know? Emma. For her dad being sick."

"Mhm. Philip."

"There she is, she's making him these cookies y'know because she wants him to feel better and she's thinking they're gonna cure him."

"Wow and I thought my family had a lot going on." Frank murmured, shaking his head in disbelief.

"That's what makes you think. You know about how important family is and honestly Frank that's really why I want things between Olivia and I to work out. I want Emma and Rafe to have all the family around them. I want them to be surrounded by love."

Frank nodded quietly for a moment, a bit confused by Natalia's sudden admission. "So, you're trying to work things out with Olivia?" he asked, the thumb and forefinger of his right hand pressing the webbing of his left hand. "Do you think you're…"

"Ready? Yes. Is Rafe? I don't know. I know that Emma is and that she is and the only thing keeping us apart is Olivia. I know that we're ready and that this is real and it's good." Natalia replied, her eyes flashing fierce determination.

Frank nodded again, his eyes on the dirt beneath their feet. "If it makes you happy then…go for it." he said finally, bringing his gaze up from the ground towards Natalia. "You should be happy. I'm sorry that uhm, that that couldn't be me."

The corner of Natalia's mouth twitched. "Frank. You're a great man. You're kind and sweet and funny…you know that there's someone waiting for you to find them." She reached out with her right hand and cuppsed his cheek tenderly. "You'll see."

"I hope you're right." Frank replied with an optimistic smile.

Olivia left Company a bit more broken up than when she had entered. Buzz's mention of Frank made her unconsciously twitch. _If Frank was such a great match for her, why wasn't she fighting to get back to him instead of me?_ She walked along the path, following along the lake, watching her footsteps instead of what was going on in front of her. _She loves me and I just don't get why. I do. I just don't get why she would leave and I don't think I can handle us being together knowing that the possibility of her leaving, or being scared is hanging over both our heads._ Olivia's vision blurred as tears welled up in her eyes. _The only way to make her stay is to be there to keep her but…I can't. I'm not ready for it…I am ready…she's ready. I'm the only one keeping us apart…Frank doesn't even care at this point but…everyone else does. Or do they? I'm just finding excuses now. I can't not love her, I do love her and I don't know how to just be with her. On top of that, Philip is dying and how am I supposed to deal with that when she just got him back? How is she going to understand family when everyone she loves leaves or just…How can I tell her everything is going to be okay and Philip isn't here and I don't have something for her to feel safe in, someone to feel safe with?_ She blinked and felt them track down her cheeks. She didn't see Philip step into her path, watching her intently.

"Hey." Philip said. Olivia checked her step and spun automatically wiping at her eyes. "you don't have to run, I'm not contageous." He stood with his hands on his hips, watching Olivia as she tried to regain her composure. "What's going on?"

"Uhm." Olivia wiped at her cheeks again, a twinge of embarassment in her features. "Nothing." Olivia replied innocently, crossing her hands at the beltline.

"This like a routine for you? Come to the park and walk around crying? Is it like going for a jog" Philip quipped.

Olivia chuckled. "I'm embarrassed okay. I don't want to talk about it." She sniffed for emphasis.  
"Wanna talk about it?" Philip asked, a wide smile on his face. Olivia pouted at Philip's candor. "It would seem a little odd at this point in our relationship to be hiding things from each other. I don't have a lot of time to be telling anybody anything."

Olivia swallowed the knot that formed in her throat."I was…" she searched for words. "feeling sorry for myself…which is a really _crappy_ thing to say to somebody who actually has something to worry about." She sniffed again, shifting her weight anxiously from foot to foot. "I shouldn't feel worse for myself than for you."

"Why? When I go, I'm gone. I don't have anything to worry about at that point. Sometimes I think it's a lot harder for the people that're left behind." Philip replied nonchalantely.

Olivia blinked at Philip for a moment, shaking her head in disbelief. "You are being awfully grown up about this."

Philip shook his head no. "I just had awhile to get used to the idea."

"Are you used to it?"

"Well I'm not happy about it. But I had some time to work through the ups and downs and there have been plenty of both. I've been up on that hill many an afternoon talking to my headstone, so, we all get our dark moments."

Olivia studied Philip quietly. "I was thinking about Emma." she said quietly, her voice shaky with emotion. "She's not gonna have you…Ava doesn't have Jeffery…Rafe is going off to fight some war. People leave and they die." She shook her head as if the action could erase some of the doubt and fear that was coursing through her body and mind.

"They don't all leave." Philip said, holding Olivia's unsteady gaze with his. "Some of them keep living. Those are the ones that'll give you your happiness. If you let them."

"I just feel like we've lost so much." Olivia said, her voice raw with emotion now. "We lost so many people…" Her face scrunched up with the effort of holding composure together.

"So don't lose anymore." Philip said sternly. "You have somebody. You have somebody that loves you. And wants you in her life. Don't lose Natalia by pushing her away."

Olivia contemplated Philip's words, her eyes glassy with fresh tears. He cut the gap between them, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and squeezing her tightly. "Don't let this slip away becaue you'll have so much more regret than you'll ever know. You can't doubt it or think about it, just get it. Think you can do that for me?"

Olivia nodded, breaking out of the hug and wiping the tears from her eyes. "Dying man's last wish?" she asked, using the back of her hands to wipe her tears.

"Something like that. Go. I've gotta pick up Emma from Lizzie's house. I'll keep her overnight. I don't think she'll mind."

Olivia nodded, squeezing his shoulders in gratitude. "Thank you."

***********************************

The ride to the farmhouse felt the like longest trip she'd ever taken. She knew the road back was going to difficult and she even anticipated traffic but what she hadn't anticipated was the wise words she would've received from unlikely places. Most of it was things she needed to hear outloud, things she had already voiced for herself internally.

The house loomed in the distance, the familiar green shutters and white frame welcoming her back. She eased the car into it's familiar space alongside the house, jumped out of the car and cleared the distance between herself and the front door. She smoothed out her hair and checked her breath before knocking, hoping that Natalia was home.

***

Natalia came down the stairs having finished depositing fresh linen in the closet. She saw a figure standing at the door, shifting nervously from foot to foot. Natalia cocked her head to the side, squinting as she crossed from the stairs towards the door. She opened the door and paused in surprise, her eyes lighting up at the sight of Olivia standing on the front porch, her hands shoved deep into her pockets.

"Hi…" Natalia breathed, opening the screen door slowly. She studied Olivia quietly for a moment before letting the door close behind her. She tried in vain to hide the smile behind her left hand, her eyes sparkling with joy.

"Hi." Olivia replied, a smile of her own on her face. "You're here." Natalia said, her smile dazzling Olivia.

"I had to be. Couldn't waste anymore time." Olivia replied, her hands framing Natalia's face. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead close to Natalia's, her right thumb gently stroking Natalia's cheek. Natalia tilted her chin up, her lips brushing against Olivia's bottom lip softly.

"Done pushing me away…?" Natalia whispered studying Olivia's features as she looped her arms around Olivia's neck, a small smile on her face.

"I wasn't pushing…"

"You were running…"  
"Which isn't pushing technically…"

"You were avoiding me." Natalia replied sternly pouting. "You pushed me away. You deliberately told me to stay away from you and leave you alone…You kinda strung me along."

Olivia sighed and brushed a lock of hair behind her ear, her jaw muscles flexing as she thought of a way to respond to Natalia. "I'm sorry." She held Natalia's gaze intently, her eyes glassy with tears.

"So am I." Natalia replied, letting Olivia stroke her hair softly, feeling herself melting at the touch. She leaned forward and pressed her nose into Olivia's neck, breathing her in deeply. "Would you like to come in ?" she asked her question muffled against the collar of Olivia's shirt.

"I thought you'd never ask." Olivia replied, squeezing Natalia at the torso tightly.

Olivia sat on the couch quietly, listening to the sounds of Natalia bustling in the kitchen. She leaned into the couch, the sound of the springs creaking under her weight drawing a smile from her. She looked around the living room, studying the way that room still felt homey but it was missing a few touches. _It's missing you and it's missing Emma and it's missing Rafe._ She rubbed her palms against her knees as she noticed the framed photos of herself with Emma and Natalia from New Years on the mantle. She remembered having been in Natalia's room and seeing the same photo on her nightstand along with the one she had taken at Henry's baptism.

"Sorry for the wait…" Natalia said coming in with two mugs of coffee. She held out a mug to Olivia who took it in both hands and grinned. "It's got cinnamon in it."

Olivia returned the smile. "Been experimenting?"

"Here and there." Natalia replied, standing by the couch awkwardly. "This is weird."

"Just a little bit." Olivia agreed with a nod, putting the mug on the coffee table and pressing her palms together between her knees. "Why is that?"

"Because we've been fighting a long time."

"_You've_ been fighting a long time." Natalia countered. She sat down on the edge of the couch, holding her mug between her palms, staring into the liquid. "I don't want to fight anymore. I'm over it. The past is the past and we both have to deal with the things that went wrong and work on the things that went right, the things that could go right. I just want to move forward. I just want to move forward with you." She looked up from the coffee and towards Olivia. "I hope you want the same thing…"

"I do." Olivia answered simply. She scooted closer to Natalia, their knees touching, sending jolts of electricity between them. "I guess I'm not used to having someone like you…want something from me. No strings, no ultimatums…Just…"

"Love." Natalia filled in. "It's all I have." She smiled, bumping Olivia's shoulder. "Remember when you asked me what it was I have? When we thought I was going to lose the house…"

"I remember." Olivia blushed, buring her face in her hands in embarrassment. "I'm an ass."

"If you can admit it, you're not a total ass." Natalia replied simply. "It's the first step."

Olivia scowled.. "Thanks."

"It's what I do." She moved closer to Olivia, feeling the warmth of her body. "I'm being serious. It's what I have. Almost all that I have really. Just me. Just love."

"I'm not asking for anything more than that." Olivia watched Natalia quietly. They studied each other's faces intently, the silence between them deafening. Olivia shivered as she felt Natalia's right hand, still warm from the mug pulled her left hand towards her, cradling it softly in her lap. "I really missed you."

"I missed you too." Natalia breathed, kissing the back of Olivia's hand softly. "The house is so empty without you or Emma and Rafe…" She let out a heavy sigh, her fingertips trailing lazy circles against the back of Olivia's hand. She watched Olivia's eyelids flutter as she drew the lazy patterns on the back of her hand, moving further and further up towards Olivia's inner wrist. A small smile formed across Olivia's lips, her head tilted towards Natalia, watching the way she studied her fingers on the back of her hand as she spoke. "I know I hurt you badly, I hurt you worse than I ever meant to…I was trying to…make things better and I made things worse and I…really the only thing I have are genuine apologies, hope and love. I don't know if that's enough…" Natalia looked up from her lap, her eyes glassy with tears. "I hope it's enough because I mean it. I want to spend every day proving to you how much you mean to me, how much I love you…how much I want an us to happen. If you want an us to happen…"

Olivia cupped Natalia's chin, tilting her head up, her thumb brushing her bottom lip gently. "I do want an us to happen." She watched as Natalia rested her chin in Olivia's palm, her cheeks scrunching up her features. "You said that it's in the past so it's in the past. I just…I just want to go slowly…" Natalia nodded her head in Olivia's hand, fresh tears sliding from her eyes and tracking down her cheeks.

"I think I can handle that." Natalia replied softly, reaching up to wipe her cheeks. She was met half way by Olivia who used her thumbs to wipe the tears away, she blushed at the intimacy. "Just don't make me wait too long…"

"Why not?" Olivia asked softly, inching closer to Natalia, resting her right arm along the back of the couch.

"I'm tired of waiting." Natalia replied, curling her body into Olivia's, tucking her legs underneath her rear. "Even if you said I was worth the wait." She studied Olivia's features intently, memorizing them again. "I really like what you did with your hair. I kept meaning to tell you that but…it never seemed appropriate."

Olivia blushed and raked her left hand self consciously through her hair. "Thanks…I needed a change…"

"To feel like a different person." Natalia added. "Sorry."

"I thought we agreed no more apologies…"

"We did. It's just something I feel that needs to be said."

"It doesn't, sweetheart." Olivia leaned forward and softly pressed her lips against Natalia's forehead. "I'm just glad you're here…" She kissed Natalia's forehead again, her hands sliding behind Natalia's head, fingers threading through her hair, pulling her closer. She brought her mouth down to meet Natalia's, kissing her slowly, tasting the saline of her tears and sweetness of her skin. Natalia automatically leaned into the kiss, her lips parting slightly to allow Olivia better access her arms wrapping around Olivia's neck.

A barely audible moan escaped their mouths as they kissed deeply, tugging at shirts and shoulders to keep the other closer, their body heat rising as they let their mouths make the apologies and forgivness that they wouldn't speak of.

Natalia shivered as she felt Olivia's hands slowly slide along her shoulders, along her ribcage before resting at the small of her back, pulling her body closer. She tried to keep up with the passion in Olivia's mouth, the way her tongue stroked against her top lip softly before being claimed by her lips confidently. She realized it was silly to try and keep up with Olivia, instead she let herself be explored and explore; her hands roamed slowly along Olivia's back, feeling the strong muscles that moved beneath her button down shirt. A purr issued from her throat as she mimicked Olivia's kiss, her tongue flicking against Olivia's full bottom lip before gently pulling it with her teeth.

Olivia pulled away first, gasping slightly as she pressed her forehead against Natalia's forehead, her tongue tasting Natalia on her bottom lip. Natalia became dimly aware of the fact that it was nightfall and they were sitting in the dark of the living room like a pair of horny teenagers, their lips pink and skin flushed from contact. She ran her fingers through Olivia's hair, feeling slightly lightheaded from the kiss. She chuckled to herself, pressing her forehead against Olivia's shoulder.

"I like your hair wavy." Olivia commented, watching her own fingers winding through Natalia's hair. "What's so funny…?"

"The last time we kissed in the living room…" Natalia giggled. "It was practically in this exact spot."

"Was it?" Olivia asked looking around the dimly lit living room, an amused smirk on her face. "Returned to the scene of the crime…"

Natalia nodded, blush pinking her cheeks. She leaned forward, gently kissing Olivia's lips again, her mouth lingering inches away from Olivia's. Olivia licked her lips, aware of Natalia's proximity and the intensity burning in her deep brown eyes. "I liked it." Natalia murmured, a slow smile crossing her lips. "This one has to be my favorite so far…"

"Thank God." Olivia retorted with a grin. "I was kinda worried."

"No you weren't." Natalia answered back with a purr.

Olivia smiled, relieved that the awkwardness of the situation had given way to something far more promising."Does that mean that you're going to have a top ten list that I have to keep up with?"

"No…I'm just…it's better than fighting and staying away from each other, don't you think?"

Olivia nodded. "I owe Philip." she said quietly, wrapping her arm around Natalia's shoulder.

"Why?"

"He…he told me to stop…running."

"Really? He told me to stop you. So we both owe him."

Olivia nodded, suddenly saddened by the reality that faced her ex. "I can't believe he's…dying. Not long ago I would've been thrilled, probably really dance on his grave drunk…but now…now I…I just feel so empty. I feel so sad and scared for him and for Emma…" Natalia watched Olivia's face shift, her brows knit in worry as she spoke.

"I don't think he's going to go without a fight…" Natalia whispered, stroking Olivia's hair. "He's a fighter, you above everyone else should know that."

"I know…"

Natalia leaned on Olivia's shoulder. "We bonded over Philip you know."

"I know…full circle."

"That's life…"

Olivia nodded, kissing the top of Natlia's head again softly. "It's pretty interesting." She nestled deeper into the couch, tucking her legs underneath her as Natalia curled against her right side, draping her right arm across Olivia's stomach. Natalia's head rested against Olivia's chest, listening to her heartbeat. Olivia automatically began to stroke Natalia's hair softly, her fingers threading through the jet black satin of her girlfriend as they lay draped in the couch. She let out a sigh of contentment, feeling Natalia's body grow heavy against her chest, sleep slowly taking over. Olivia stifled a yawn with the back of her hand before she gave up her own fight against sleep. She leaned her head against the back of the couch and fell asleep, Natalia's body tucked tightly against her on the couch in the dark living room of the farmhouse.

Home.


End file.
